Need some helpful advise on starting a family.

[I am a cat]

I have ALWAYS wanted to have a child, and I am 27 now, so I am wanting to get a move on.
I have a few problems with this, and that is I cant handle any intimacy at all due to being raped, and so I have decided that I will get a sperm donor and have artificial insemination.
The questions I have are:
How do you know when its the right time to have a baby, I use to suffer with very severe mental health problems, and have slowly got better, and now I rarely have many problems to do with my mental health, so is it ok to have a child now?
I have been told by a friend that maybe I should wait until I meet someone, because it would be akward if you had a baby already and then met someone, as I said above its highly unlikely I will ever be intimate, but what if one day that changed? Should I just wait and risk it as my age goes up? I personally dont see any relationships happening. But if I did have a baby, partners would be ok with taking on another child, right?
What about social services, would they have to be involved due to my mental health?
How do you know if your ready? I believe I am ready, but I just want your thoughts.
if you could help that would be great and if you could offer any further info that would also be great :)

[whirlpools]

Hi there

How long have you been seriously considering having a baby? If you're young then it might be worth waiting a little, spending time finding out about the process, solidifying support from trusted people in your life who could offer a hand when you're pregnant and have had the baby, and that you know you've been stable for a while.

Some potential partners may not want to be with someone with a child but others will. In relationships there's no right or wrong, really - people just have preferences. So whilst it may(or may not) reduce the number of potential partners, it's certainly not a case of 'forever alone' (sorry, I couldn't think of a better way of putting that).

I became pregnant whilst still under mental health services and social service involvement was a concern of mine. I didn't end up having the baby, but my psychiatrist said there was nothing she could see in my history that presented a risk/needed social services involved at that time. She said it would only be necessary if that changed and there was a risk to my unborn/born baby but that would be the same with any mum. So it's not really a case of everyone who has a history/current mental health issues will require a referral.

[talaiporia]

One concern I would have is that, especially given your history, if you aren't with a partner, there would be noone to care for the child if you were unwell. You mention social service and I know there's a lot of mum's on here who've had issues, especially when they were not with the father; being in a stable relationship makes it much more viable.

[MissAnonymous]

I would say given your young age, give yourself more time to consolidate recovery. It will be less stressful to you if you have several years of recovery behind you and more life experience in the world of functioning as a well person than if you have a couple of years or so.

Perhaps you could think about other social supports around having a child so that the child itself has plenty of caregivers, family friends and groups.

I'm not sure if you would be referred to social services should you become pregnant at this stage, but due to your history the person looking after you would have to assess the likelihood of you needing extra help to care for your baby and being a lone parent would count as a risk factor.

[Sunshine]

Hiya :)

Firstly, 27 definitely isn't that young I met quiet a few 40+ parents in hospital when having my last son and while that age can cause problems potentially for both you and the baby I don't think that starts becoming a worry until mid 30s, so i don't think your clock is running out as fast as you think.

Secondly, being a single parent is tough. Even with my husband and knowing that he will be home from work later in the day I can find some thing challenging. More to do with my 4 year old then baby. Babies are relatively easy it's toddlers, children, teenagers that are the problem when they can answer back, hit, spit and say hurtful things. Are you wanting a baby for a particular reason? I have heard people say they want to feel loved and needed in the past and while yes I get gliders of that from my 4 year old it took a long long time until I ever felt loved by him, this may be to slight postnatal depression as my bond with my second is stronger and I defiantly feel closer at this stage then I ever did. I wanted a baby because I was broody and I didn't know the reality of parenthood having never even held a baby so there is nothing wrong if that is the reason why.

Do you have support from friends and family? If so how much? Do they know this plan? Have you spoken to the fertility clinic or any mental health professional yet? (I never told my psych I was planning my 1st and they thought all along he wasn't planned because I was so nervous what they would think so if you do talk to th your definitely more mature then I was when I got pregnant)

You say you will never have a relationship with anyone so how do you see your self coping with the birth or any interventions that might be needed before labour (induction involves a pesary, you might need a sweep to induce labour, internal exams during labour, internal ultrasounds (not routine but could happen as it did to me). There is obviously no intamicy during these processes but I have found them to be scary and not pleasent and I've never experienced any abuse.

Social services were informed when I was pregnant with my first and they assess me said I had a lot of support (my husband and family) but might get isolated due to not knowing anyone with a baby so I was not taken on by social services but a team call "early intervention" which helped families with all sorts of problems. I have been referred twice since by silly gps but each time they have never even come to see me because my early intervention worker or health care assistant said there was no issue.
My fear for you is that you will not have the support of a partner and they may think you would need help. How long have you been stable? I very highly doubt they would take your child but they may offer you support......being a parent with mh problems is not nice, every time I feel unwell and I tell anyone there is always the fear of social services so it doesn't go away after pregnancy.

When I was pregnant I had a specialist midwife (that deals with mh problems), a perinatal psychiatrist, I met my midwife before I gave birth (this is quiet rare), I was given a befriender to keep me company and take me to baby groups, my midwife set up a plan that when in hospital I could stay longer to get help with the basics of having a baby (this didn't help in the end but was a nice idea) and I got extended midwife visits at home. I had so much support that 2nd time round I never got so you will have a lot of support when you do have a baby

I never knew when to have a baby I wanted one until I was pregnant then i freaked out that my life would change and then again with baby no.2. I don't think anyone knows and if they do then I don't think they can say they weren't fearful about the future at least once.

You have thought about this a lot, I know and I admire single parents so much I couldn't do it and the thought scares me to death so knowing from the outset and still wanting to makes you the bravest parent I will know! The kid will be very lucky to have you as mum and if you ever did meet anyone (and I know lots of people who have been with women with children that arnt there's) they would be lucky too!!

Sorry it's all jumbled
X

[Chia.]

This is going to be a long post.

Without knowing the specifics of your MH history such as if you have ever been sectioned, previous suicide attempts, self harm, diagnoses and the area you are in I can't say for certain how your history will effect you when having your first child. I can only give you a rough idea. Some parts of the country have better social services than others, and this also plays a factor.

If your mental health history includes things like sections, suicide attempts, self harm, harm to others and/or a personality disorder then you will be flagged to social services. I know that this sounds scary and threatening, but please bare with me and try and look at this in a more positive light.

This is a matter of protecting a new born baby: your child.
Going through a pregnancy and giving birth is an extremely stressful process and it's something that you can't fully appreciate until you actually go through it. It involves a cascade of hormones that send your body and mind out of sync and can even result in people with the most stable mental health histories developing mental health problems for the first time in their life. Having present mental health problems can effect your ability to look after your child, and the first few years of a child's life are the most important.

If social services get flagged and/or involved then it should be in order to assess whether you are fit enough to have responsibility of a child on your own. If they decide that you aren't, then their next response, unless there is something very bad in your history like murder, is to assess what you don't have in terms of support that they will need to put in place for you. This might include things like counselling, having a weekly support worker visit you and/or sending you on parenting courses. This is meant to support you in order for you and your child to be able to stay together. They will do what they can to give you what you need.

If you have involvement with social services you need to be open, honest and co-operative with them. If you are aggressive and defensive with them this will go against you: it is the worst thing you can do. If you are aggressive and evasive then it will make them think you have something to hide, they will wonder what you are trying to hide and that may lead them to reconsider whether you are a risk to your child.
Mental health problems are very common and stigma is reducing more and more. Experiencing mental health problems yourself and coming through the other end of this can actually put you in a better position to be there for your child as they get older.

Some people with mental health histories do have their children taken from them. However, children and babies are not taken for no reason. You would have to be in an acute mental health crisis, have no support and be deemed of being at risk of harming your child. Social services would need a very good reason to take your first child from you. Unless they have a very good reason not to give you that first chance with your first child, their involvement with you will be to give you every kind of support possible to make sure it works out. It's important to see them as a positive resource and don't fight them.

However, as a cautionary note i'd like to add that if for whatever reason your first child is taken from you, it is highly unlikely you will be given a second chance to be a parent. Further pregnancies will almost always result in social services taking your new baby at birth. I'm not saying this to turn you against social services, but to highlight the utmost importance of getting it right with your first child, if you are going to go ahead with this. People rarely, if ever, get second chances when it comes to a baby. If you definitely want a family one day and have hesitations about whether or not you are ready then don't do it. Wait. You have many more years of being fertile left.

It is better to be in a relationship when having children.

If you are very worried about how your MH history will effect you then you can talk to a solicitor and/or citizens advice.
If you are seeing a counsellor they may be able to write some kind of statement for you about how long you have been stable for.

Ultimately this is your choice. Do you really feel ready for this responsibility? Getting up several times in the night, surviving on a couple of hours sleep etc.? Your life will never ever be your own again for at least 18 years, probably closer to 25 years. Have you done everything that you want to do in life? Have you seen and been to different parts of the world?

When I considered having a child when I was younger I thought about how fantastic it would be. I was younger than 27, but looking back now I am very glad that this didn't happen. Looking back on it now I can see that I was bored. I didn't know what I wanted from life. There was an empty void that I wanted to fill. If I had had a child I wouldn't be able to do all the things I am doing and will do in the future now that I have sorted out the majority of my own MH difficulties.

[whirlpools]

sections, suicide attempts, self harm, harm to others and/or a personality disorder

Just wanted to say all those are in my history (except harm to others) and I was told there was no plan to talk to/refer to social services.

[Chia.]

Just wanted to say all those are in my history (except harm to others) and I was told there was no plan to talk to/refer to social services.

Is your midwife aware of those things in your history?

Maybe I am wrong and there is more understanding than I have come across. I have come across some quite harsh midwives and professionals regarding this issue (Mental health and new mums) and maybe that is why it comes across so firm in my post.

I think if you are fully recovered and have a support network then it's different to if you are still having problems and are on your own as well.

[I am a cat]

Thank you for your very detailed replies, they are all really helpful. I dont want a baby for the feeling of needed to be loved, because I know I am already loved by so many people in my life. I want a baby, so that I can have a child, and start a family, and I know its not easy bringing a child into the world as a single parent, I have looked after a baby for several months last year. So I am aware of what its like.
I am very concerned about fertility as you get older, and I dont want to have to severely risk my chances.
but there is a slight twist at the moment, and I have no idea what to do. Because I know I said I would never be intimate with anyone, or have a relationship, but their is this guy who has been messaging me, and he really likes me, and he wants a family and a life too.
so now Im torturing myself about what to do. because Im scared of men, I always think they have an aterior motive, and the thought of having sex is just making me want to throw up. he doesnt know this side to me, how would I even get with a guy? and then explain? and I bet once he was to find out about my self harm he would soon change his mind. I dont know Im so confused.

[~AngelofLove~]

I'm also 27 and want a baby. I am currently pregnant, but I have a wonderful supportive fiance. I totally understand how it is.

Being a single parent will be really hard and challenging. If you have support from friends and family I say go for it!

I also have mental health issues (I guess if I didn't I wouldnt be on this site lol). However, mine are controlled by medication.

If you feel stable, and are financially able to support a child. Go for it. You will have my support!

[Margo]

I don't care if a child has one parent or two or three or four or what sexual orientation they happen to be as long as the Child is loved and safe and happy. However, before embarking on a family I would strongly advise getting more help with your intimacy issues from the abuse. I know you say you don't want a child to feel loved or whatever but I'm not sure you are ready to cope with that when you are struggling so much with the concept of a relationship. It would worry me that your issues may manifest and affect you later on.

27 is young, many women are waiting till their thirties now. Make a real effort to sort you first and then have a rethink maybe.