SO...27.8 years.

[finding.my.wings]

When i was younger like 19... when i was first diagnosed they said to me that with time and age ill learn the necessary skills and recover. that was almost 8 years ago. I still self harm... still overdose.... still have highs and lows.... still have emotions i cant control.....still feel numb and empty and worthless alot of the time.

theres a girl in my therapy group whos a year or so younger then me with the same disorder....shes getting better.

i dont know why im not there yet, i dont know if ill ever get there (better/ recovered).... maybe just maybe ill live in recovery for the rest of my life and ill have an Achilles heel of self destruction... and maybe i wont.

thats what concerns me... the maybe i wont part- theres no guarantee that life will get better, that ill finish my degree and move on with life, that ill marry and have a family, a home, a career...... its all unknown.

Currently im not living.... ive been fooling myself for a while now but ive realized that im barely existing.

maybe lifes not for me, maybe all this fighting isnt worth it because me recovering is a joke. Its highly possible that this is as good as it will ever get. Ill remain worthless, hopeless, lonely, sad, self destructive.

my options are fight what seems a never ending battle and hold on to those glimmers of hope or take the cowards way out.

[Pi.R^2]

Sorry you're feeing demotivated about recovery. Try not to compare yourself to other people in your therapy group though- people recover in different ways at different rates. Do you find the therapy group helpful at all? It could be that you need a little more time with this therapy or it could be that you finish this one and find that actually it wasn't what you needed and try something else.

Do you think you could raise these concerns at your group therapy? The facilitators or whoever is involved in running the group will be able to reassure and advise you.

[finding.my.wings]

Thank you..
I have found this group helpful.
one of the staff talked with me before i left on Friday which helped as i was very up-regulated and intent on seriously hurting myself.
I will go back in this week and bring it up again and hopefully it doenst blow up in my face. I would very much like to write the other person a mean letter or yell at them and point out how easy her life compared to mine has been but i know logically that wont help or solve anything really so i will not yell at this other person.

Part of why this has been so upsetting is that i am really worried that i will not ever get any better then i am and this other person confirmed that for me.

[Pi.R^2]

I'm glad taking to the staff member was helpful.

I agree that yelling at this person won't help. What is it about her getting better that confirms to you that you won't? If no one in your group was getting any better would that not be more demotivating for you?