RElapsing vs. REcovering *suicide

[bitomato]

The last few months I whittled down my health care to minimum appointments and tried to manage on minimum medication dosage. My main source of support was my BF then he dumped me but we were still together. He had his own issues, but I thought we were going through a rough patch. I hit rock bottom and he was there to support me. And then he was gone. He died.

My world came crashing down around me and for weeks I wanted to kill myself. I went to weekly appointments and used every form of support I could to survive. Then after the funeral all the support disappeared and I stopped services again. My family were the worst in terms of offering little to no support. It seemed like they were vultures circling for the kill.

Because I can see my bipolar flaws making me do things incorrectly.
And I know that the mistakes will bite me on my a**.
I could not keep up with work and I keep falling more and more behind rather than moving forward. I keep feeling really vulnerable.
I hate feeling bullied, but that is exactly what is happening to me.

[Pi.R^2]

It sounds like you've been through an awful lot recently, and I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend.

How come your professional support has disappeared? Could you be referred back?

Would taking some time off work to process things and rest be helpful at the moment?

Who do you feel is bullying you?

[bitomato]

Hey,
I had to withdraw from a lot of my professional support because of lack of money. I found one recently that was cheaper but there are a lot of potential red flags that I an tempted to ignore because I need the help.

The bullying is mainly from my family. There are various forms of exploitation and I find only when I am away from them can I truly feel safe. Unfortunately that is not a realistic long term option.

I definitely need time off work. I am on a travel/ work experience, and even then I found it stressful to know I do not have family support and that I am returning home soon. I would still be on vacation, but I don't know how to enforce my boundaries.

[Pi.R^2]

What sort of red flags?

Do you mean how to enforce boundaries with your family when you get back home?

[bitomato]

Hi,
Well it was also highlighted by my shrink. The therapy was not offered in an appropriate setting- I could get it cheaper if I would meet the counsellor in a secluded setting as opposed to an office- but the concern was that it was neither official or safe. Like more meeting as colleagues or even friends rather than patient/ counsellor relationship.

I was supposed to still be on vacation when I returned but that evaporated so I in essence quit- so I am working until the details get sorted. It ultimately means there is no money for my meds, so I am looking to discharge from services and meds by the end of September. It is not worth it.

I feel like if I am talking to myself chasing my tail. When others do the bare minimum they seem to go around sniffing each others butts and congratulating each other on a great job.

I tried to get respite- but my doctor said that I would experience discrimination- the hospital would not be able to manage me.

I am trying not to jump off- but everyone keeps pushing!!!

[bitomato]

I couldn't move today because I felt so unwell. I know I am going to relapse or worse. This is the end for me. Nothing is going to get better.

[Pi.R^2]

Sorry you're feeling so unwell. It sounds like things are deteriorating for you- could you access some kind of crisis support? Are there any charities or state support services that could help you manage financially? Discharging from all services doesn't sound ideal!

[bitomato]

No charities. I am currently talking to a friend but they leave next week.
I am having these ups and downs of severe desperation and acute feelings of being overwhelmed. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to give up. But I'm really afraid.

[Pi.R^2]

It's sounds like a really difficult situation and like a bad time to be withdrawing from support, though I do understand your reasoning. I know you mentioned quitting your job- will you be entitled to any sort of income support until you get a new job to fund your mental health support?

[bitomato]

If you are working for yourself, there is no support. Lots of conflicting info. Right now I am just trying to completely cut myself off- but in doing so, it is a combination of being expected to work for free- and decisions being made that really mess with my peace of mind. I am really angry, and I find my blood boils everyday. I've lost my inheritance. I've been conned- it's gone.

I am trying to put stuff in place so that when I feel better I can move ahead, but the simplest things are really difficult because there is a lot of corruption.

I am trying to deal with my partner's death in my way now. And that leaves me with even less support. Like really- I can't. I can try to get treatment in the public system, but I get really angry. I don't tolerate **** well.

[bitomato]

HAving issues with school. Started having seizures now- possibly psychic seizures.....very afraid. Cannot get a handle on what is happening to me

[Pi.R^2]

Sorry you are struggling so much. Is there any support you can access through school- an advice and counselling service or something?

Are you receiving treatment for the psychic seizures?

Do you have any friends who could support you at the moment? Perhaps you could look into a grief helpline to give you someone to talk to about the loss of your partner.

[bitomato]

Not really. Alot of the models I am experiencing are in isolation or taboo/ novel to my care team. They keep breaching boundaries or not really helping.
Contacted course facilitators about my difficulties. Decided not to pay for classes until I am sure that I am well enough to proceed.

The idea of "psychic seizures" got scoffed at- because my sugars are so out of whack. Currently petrified of my family trying to control my movements. I was looking at getting support, but I find it difficult to trust people when I have had previous bad experiences. Hospital and home care meant that I was at the behest of others who did not see you as suffering.

My current PTSD and inability to be hospitalised again is largely because I do not see myself tolerating being around family/ hospital very well. Prior to my sugars going irregular, I was asking for MH support. However, I was denied it because it was something that wasn't visible.

Now I am being forced into situations which I believe will crush the fragile state of my MH condition and ultimately land me permanently in a state of care and incompetence. It is a legal matter- and being paranoid has served me until now.

I feel unsafe. Things are going bad on all fronts. I am actively suicidal- but you cannot deny me assistance and then push me into a scenario which will push me over the edge.

[Pi.R^2]

Sorry I didn't reply to this sooner. How are things going?

[bitomato]

My diabetic meds got changed as the levels are thought to be the reasons for the seizures. However, still have bad sugar levels- so if I don't get stuff sorted on my own I will be hospitalised. My GP did not want me living on my own (also told them I was suicidal)- so breached confidentiality and called my family to take me in. However, I am proper afraid of that because there are serious boundary issues.

It is horrible to think that I would rather die than be dependant on my family- but it is the same thing in my mind. Quite a few things are starting to pile up re: work, where I am getting all of these offers, but I am struggling to be motivated and I am trying to not let people bully me because I am not moving at their pace. I am still deeply depressed and just going to my psychiatrist at the moment bimonthly. However, I am trying to ride things out.

I relapsed a bit, but I am also trying to put things in perspective- that I am going through a lot and I do not have any reliable support, or positive means of coping. I am just trying to survive. Because I don't have a reason to live at the moment- so hoping to hang on until I do.