The Black Bag

[CasperTheGhost]

So I have this black 'pouch' like bag which contains all documentation from when I was going through a rough patch. When I wanted to kill myself, when I was self-harming and just generally being in a dark period I used to write in a diary or just some paper and I kept most of it and now it is all in this black bag and I just found it today when cleaning my room ready to move house. I mean I knew it was always there and I could never throw it away. It's weird. I burnt some when I was recovering as I just wanted to forget it but I am (in a weird sort of way) glad I kept it. I would never show it anyone and I haven't read it for years (well what seems) and I've just read a few pages and it is so sad. The hurt and pain you can see in these pages. It is really sad. I was just a child and I had emotions I couldn't handle. My suicide notes are also in the bag, letters from the hospital and it is somewhat very heart breaking. I'm not really sure why I have written this, maybe just to get it off my chest. This is the only place where people know about my self harm, suicidal feelings, etc. as no one in the real word actually knows.

[sherlock holmes]

I had a similar thing. I kept all of my old journals in a box under my bed. They documented my life throughout my hospitalisations, suicide attempt, self harming etc. Every now and then I'd read some and it was hugely sad and hopeless. I decided by keeping them I was holding onto my past, so I shredded them all up and threw it away. Since then I've felt a lot more free and have been able to move on with my recovery.

[CasperTheGhost]

I just feel like they are my "evidence" that what I went through was real. Like obviously I went through it and of course it was and very much is real but I just feel like that proves that it is real even no one will see it. I'm not sure if that makes sense. I'm still up and down and that's probably why I'm not ready to let go yet.

[sherlock holmes]

It makes perfect sense! My diaries were also my proof of what I'd been through. I remember asking for a copy of my section and the nurse told me no because she knew I wanted it as a 'trophy' of how unwell I was.

Can it be enough that you know it's real and you have the memories of what you've gone through?

[CasperTheGhost]

Honestly, I'm not sure. I don't really have memories of it. Like obviously I can remember what I went through and what happened but it's a haze. It's kind of all jumbled up, it's weird. I don't think I'll keep the notes forever, at some point I will burn them but for now I'm just not quite ready.

[ajrocks]

yeah I have a big box at the top of my wardrobe with all my old diaries i don't really look at them they are just there.I don't think I would throw them away because that was part of my life I am the person I am today because of my past and I thinK I would feel like I'm trying to run again so i just keep them there but everyones different sometimes its necessary to throw them sometimes not depands on you reaally :)