*TRIGGER SI/Suicide*Not Doing Well

[Jaxxie]

I feel horrible. I'm 34-years-old and I still can't get life right. I feel like I'm standing outside of my body watching everything from the outside and I'm thinking,this isn't really my life. It's like I was dropped into the wrong family. My family is very fundamentalist Christian, I'm not religious at all. My parents will express opinions and viewpoints and in my mind I'm thinking, there's no way the two people who gave me life really think this way. Just hearing them speak or seeing things they post on FB makes me feel like I want to claw my way out of my own skin. They don't do it on purpose to aggravate me, it's just who they are and it clashes with who I am. So I spend a lot of time with my head down, trying to tune it out, or sitting on my hands whilst browsing social media.

My marriage is in the toilet, so I had an online affair for a few months, but I felt so guilty and ashamed I ended it. My almost-teenage son is a constant reminder of what a lousy parent I am. I'm stuck, because I can't work and make enough to support myself. I feel like such a failure, all the way around. My mother said recently that the family is worried about me. That it seems like even when I'm around, I'm not really present. That no one knows quite what to say to me or around me.

I haven't cut in years. I mean, almost a decade, but lately I've been missing it. Isn't that sad? To be clean for so long, yet miss it? Most days I just want to disappear forever. Then no one would be inconvenienced by my weird moods or inability to cope with sitting in the same room with relatives I can't carry on a decent conversation with. Every time I try and talk to my mom about it, she just tells me I need to have faith.

I want to give up. It just doesn't seem worth all this BS. Never getting better. Ever.

[Sketchy]

I don't know what I can say to help, but I want to reassure you it's ok and probably very common to feel so different from family. You would never believe my dad and I are related. We are nothing alike and often I have to bite my lip when he speaks. But hey, how boring would it be if we were all the same. Sorry, that was rather flippant. It can be lonely and frustrating feeling different from family.

Do you have any professional support?

You have done so well in not self harming. It's understandable that you miss it since it can be a coping mechanism. What has helped you not sh in the past?

Since your mum doesn't seem able to give you the answers you need, is there someone else you can speak to?

you can always post here. Many people here will understand.
Take care,
Lorraine.

[kelz1983]

I felt like I was reading about myself just now. I've been pretty down in the dumps myself.. questioning if it's all worth it. My kids are the only thing that has kept me Going thing long. I don't know that I can offer any comfort, but you're not alone in how you feel.

[Margo]

I don't think it's sad to miss SH. When something is a massive part of your life and coping mechanism then it's bound to hold memories and temptation. If Sh is used as a coping mechanism then it's not surprising that I hard times the brain can dig it up as a possibility.

I think the longer we are free of SH the more we feel we will fail if we slip up. It's easy to forget the hundreds and thousands of days free and only remember the few days of slips.

You're struggling and you're hurting. Give yourself some slack. You've done so well for so long. No one but you would berate you for how you feel.
A bad parent wouldn't feel guilty. They'd probably not have a clue.

Take care x

[michael james]

Hi
So sorry to hear that you feel horrible. And that you are obviously struggling to cope. Please never give up, things will get better. Often in our darkest moments, something happens that brings us into the light. I know this only to well, as my life has mostly been horrendous, but I always believed it would get better one day. You have to believe, what else is there?
I wish you all the best.
From Michael