When?

[Sketchy]

When do you feel like a proper adult? I should probably point out that I'm 33.

I can't tell if I'm being unreasonable or just not coping.
Mum died last month. She had pancreatic cancer that caused her to deteriorate very quickly. My sister, dad and I cared for her when she came home from hospital. It was hard and I am devastated. We all are. Mum was only 58 and she was the best.

Here comes the unreasonable bit. Dad wants to go on a family holiday this summer. I don't. I can't. He won't let it go. I can't be around him for too long. With mum dying and then arranging the funeral, we have all been around each other too much and have been clashing. I want space. He tells me mum wouldn't want me to cry and my sister tries to be the constant voice of reason, which grates on my nerves. I know we all grieve differently. I need space. I cry and I need silence. I want to hide alone in my flat. Dad can be be too much, going on and on, never listening. He won't let it go and I feel like an evil bitch, but my mental health is bad too. I missed a lot of meds when caring for mum and afterwards so i know I'm not good. I can barely get through a day. He expects us to grieve the same way as him and makes a point of telling me how to grieve.

Even if mum was here I still know I wouldn't be well enough to go away. It's only a holiday in Scotland, so it's not exactly traveling far, but I can't do it. They are making me so angry and feel guilty. Sister also wants to go away for her birthday and parents anniversary which is this summer too. I can't. I'd ruin it and I have let them down. I don't have the energy. And I'm far too upset and angry. Even if mum was here I doubt I'd cope with a holiday. I know I wouldn't.
They don't listen, especially dad. He doesn't understand other others who are different to him, and we are opposite. He talks over me and I hate it. I am horrible and ungrateful. I do appreciate they may need a holiday, but if ruin it for them with the way I am.

I am very low. And anxious. My neighbour says she can hear my hot water when it's pouring and won't leave me alone, so I've contacted landlord who will come out. If something is wrong I'll likely have a plumber out. I get highly anxious if strangers come to my door, it really affects me. Is that immature too? I really am a moaning idiot. I would normally ask my mum to come over in these situations.

I feel so under pressure and lonely, but then I don't want to be around people, so again I'm being an unreasonable idiot. Having very bad thoughts and overwhelmed at even the thought of tidying. I feel like such a bad person who shouldn't be here. A waste of space.

I'm really not coping and have no one to talk to. I skipped a lot of appointments with a new keyworker at the cmht, because I was scared to leave mum. I saw her a few days after the funeral and just didn't like the meeting. She irritated me and I was so angry at everything. I don't know who to contact, what to say or do. I do have a psych app next month.

I want my mum back so much and I can't cope with my mh problems.

Please, am I unreasonable?

[Jaxxie]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm also in my 30s and have oft-asked the same question about being an adult. I don't think it's unreasonable to not want to go on holiday, or that strangers make you anxious. I wish I could offer some really stellar advice, but I'm not in a good head space right now. But I do want to offer up my sympathies and (((((((((hugs))))))))

[Sketchy]

Thank you Jaxxie.

[Margo]

I don't think this is about being adult at all. It's about grief and loss on top of your own health.

People grieve differently. Your father is trying to keep his family together the best way he knows. His world, as yours, has been shattered and he's trying to put it back. Maybe he's a little in denial and can't see past his own loss?

I know in difficult times getting across our feelings can be hard and lead to arguments or things being said wrong.

I wonder if you could write your father a letter? A heartfelt gentle letter but also one which lets him know how you feel and how you're struggling too. Let him know you care and love him but things are different for you?

I wrote my dad a letter once. After 30 years of pent up ****. It wasn't attacking and it was carefully worded and he recieved it alone so he could take it all in with no conflict. It helped a lot. Helped clear the air.

I'm considerably older than you and I don't feel grown up at all.

Take care x

[Sketchy]

Thank you Matthew, that was good advice. I'll have a think about the letter. I'm glad it helped you. I met him and my sister for coffee yesterday and nothing was mentioned about holidays, so maybe he's realising it isn't possible for me. Although I do worry I'm horrible and selfish and that they think so too.

Thank you for reassuring me about the whole adult thing. Maybe no one really ever feels grown up.

[Patch.]

I am so, so sorry about your mum Lorraine, and for not being around to be a friend to you. I had no idea things were so shitty for you. I have no good advice but I just wanted to tell you that I am here, my phone is on and my hugs are free. x

[Sketchy]

Thank Taylor. You're really kind. X

[griddlebone]

I agree that this isn't about you being an adult, it's about grief and dealing with loss. I also think that when you lose a parent you do regress slightly sometimes, my dad lost his mum recently, he's 52 and he has found it difficult to do all the normal adult things.

I think that in times like this there are some people whos coping mechanism is to pull the family in tighter and then there are some people (I'm in this camp) who need space and time to grieve alone, and to seek comfort when needed. There's nothing wrong with that, you're not horrible for needing space. I find my family suffocating a lot of the time and I feel bad for feeling that way, but, and this is especially true if you're all adults in the unit, everyone needs to have their own space and be able to make their own choices.

Maybe there could be a holiday arranged for later in the year or something, I think your dad maybe wants to do it because it's such a 'normal' thing to do and he wants to have some sort of normal in his life. Everyones emotions are always up in the air when there is grief and there isn't a proper or normal way to handle these things.

I think a letter would be good, or to sit down with just him and talk it through.

I'm the same with strange people being in the house so it's not weird, I find just leaving them to get on with it and sit in another room and watch tv or something till they leave.

It sounds like your mum was a massive support to you when she was alive so of course it feels like you're spinning out of control, but you are in control and there are people who love you and want to support you, everyone just has to adjust to their new family positions.x

[Sketchy]

Thank you Liv. That was helpful and reassuring. Since I started this thread there has been no mention of holidays. I think they should go on holiday if that's what they want though.

I'm still waiting to hear from landlord about him coming over, but I'll try what you suggested.


Mum was a massive support. I miss her so much and I think now it's starting to sink in, because the dreams are getting worse. I dream about her a lot and some are disturbing, about her being ill and how she died. It was awful watching her die. Sometimes I dream she has come back and it's so awful waking up to the truth. I'm considering quitting meds just to reduce the dreams. But I know I probably shouldn't. I'm seeing psych in a couple of weeks, so I'll discuss it with her, but I know there's nothing I can do. I should be able to deal with it. Sorry. Just needed to type that.

I'm so tearful, but I've got dressed and I'm going out for a coffee with my sketchbook.

[Patch.]

well done for getting dressed and going out.
Try & discuss things with your psych before making any decision lovely as quitting meds now may make things worse for you.

I know how hard watching someone you love die is. I can't imagine how it feels for that person to be a parent. Your mum will have slipped away knowing you were there and that she is loved. I don't know how helpful that is but a lot of people take some comfort from that <3

[Sketchy]

Thanks Taylor. Mum was a popular lady. I had a friend who used to threaten to steal her as her own mum which was funny and sweet. I got a phone call from one of her close friends from work and she's very much missed there. I hope she saw how loved she was. I was always a mummy's girl so she hopefully saw how much I loved her. I still do.