Ihavetobelieve33
17-06-2015, 04:09 PM
Right now I am like jamming to some music right now, sitting in my room... & like I just woke up about, at 10:30 am. I usually have to will myself to drag myself out of bed & I want to cry. I just want to throw myself onto the floor & disappear. Because there's no point, in my mind, anymore on so many days... like everyday. But the past week or so, I've been able to get up with less struggle & at an earlier time. 10:30 may seem late to some, but it's earlier than 1 pm. You know? My sleeping schedule is messed up still, so one of the few explanations I have is that perhaps it's because I took a few accidental naps so it threw things off, but actually back into a more preferable more schedule at least. It's affecting my mood I think. I struggle with major depression, I don't have bi polar disorder, but I do have mood swings. Sometimes it get's very frightening & upsetting.
I have talked to my psychiatrist about it & that's how we know that I am not bi polar. I don't fit into it, but I still have similar swings. They've gotten better, a lot better. Instead of me being extraordinarily depressed, thinking only morbid things then bouncing around baking a cake or not being able to stop some activity that I was doing because I was so hyped (couldn't think of a better word, I apologize) & not being to sleep at all... It's more my depression being under better control, drops not being so bad, & the other side is under better control too. I'm actually uhm able to do positive things more genuinely, too. Like help my friends. I always help them from my heart, but now I feel like I believe some of what I telling them for myself too. Like if I say, "It's gonna be okay." Before I would say that to them, only believe it & mean it toward them, them then it'd sadden me when I realized it never would for me (in my opinion). Now something weird is like going on & I just it's I don't know. It's like I actually see hope.
That freaks me out because it's been dark for SO long. I'm scared & I don't understand it. Especially because something traumatizing happened to me just this past weekend so how can I be "okay" enough to even speak so positively about life. I think I owe it to the friends I'm really learning aren't gonna leave. I just feel like I'm making changes within myself. My friends have been the same, but me trusting them with that piece of my brain, me trusting they won't abandon me, has been vital to me not feeling so burdened anymore. They feel better too. I also talked to my mom about some super personal things, including what happened this weekend. I haven't talked to her like that in a long time. Not like that. And she actually was so understanding & calm & didn't frustrate me! We didn't get into a fight. Sorry that this post is all over the place. I haven't posted in the RYL Forums in so long. :/
I guess what I'm trying to say is that my life isn't fixed. It's not "turning around" necessarily but, I thank God that whatever's happening is happening because it's like I'm getting that little bit of sunshine from behind the clouds. Crippling anxiety has been able to be managed a little better at least & panic attacks haven't been as frequent. I'm suspicious a little of this all because what goes up must come down, especially with me & something like this... So I'm very nervous. It's just odd. I feel stronger? My medications have not been changed or anything. Sorry... I typed so much. I don't even know if anyone will read all of this.
I love you guys.
Stay strong. x
I have talked to my psychiatrist about it & that's how we know that I am not bi polar. I don't fit into it, but I still have similar swings. They've gotten better, a lot better. Instead of me being extraordinarily depressed, thinking only morbid things then bouncing around baking a cake or not being able to stop some activity that I was doing because I was so hyped (couldn't think of a better word, I apologize) & not being to sleep at all... It's more my depression being under better control, drops not being so bad, & the other side is under better control too. I'm actually uhm able to do positive things more genuinely, too. Like help my friends. I always help them from my heart, but now I feel like I believe some of what I telling them for myself too. Like if I say, "It's gonna be okay." Before I would say that to them, only believe it & mean it toward them, them then it'd sadden me when I realized it never would for me (in my opinion). Now something weird is like going on & I just it's I don't know. It's like I actually see hope.
That freaks me out because it's been dark for SO long. I'm scared & I don't understand it. Especially because something traumatizing happened to me just this past weekend so how can I be "okay" enough to even speak so positively about life. I think I owe it to the friends I'm really learning aren't gonna leave. I just feel like I'm making changes within myself. My friends have been the same, but me trusting them with that piece of my brain, me trusting they won't abandon me, has been vital to me not feeling so burdened anymore. They feel better too. I also talked to my mom about some super personal things, including what happened this weekend. I haven't talked to her like that in a long time. Not like that. And she actually was so understanding & calm & didn't frustrate me! We didn't get into a fight. Sorry that this post is all over the place. I haven't posted in the RYL Forums in so long. :/
I guess what I'm trying to say is that my life isn't fixed. It's not "turning around" necessarily but, I thank God that whatever's happening is happening because it's like I'm getting that little bit of sunshine from behind the clouds. Crippling anxiety has been able to be managed a little better at least & panic attacks haven't been as frequent. I'm suspicious a little of this all because what goes up must come down, especially with me & something like this... So I'm very nervous. It's just odd. I feel stronger? My medications have not been changed or anything. Sorry... I typed so much. I don't even know if anyone will read all of this.
I love you guys.
Stay strong. x