What to do :/

[Albus Dumbledore]

Hi,
I've been struggling with being suicidal for about 10 years now. I do not want to be alive. I would love to be able to just end it all. I'm miserable, I can barely cope with work and keeping my flat clean, I'm stuck in a dead end job, and I just generally do not want to live in this world.
Unfortunately, I can't do that to my mum and younger brother. So until they're both dead, I have to suck it up and just live.
My question is, how the hell do I keep going when all I want is to die? I have overdosed more times than I can even count. My self harm, whilst decreasing in frequency, is increasing in severity. I just want to give up, quit my job, go on ESA and just drink until the day I can die. How do I find the motivation to live?

[Chia.]

It's hard for me to read that you have been struggling with these feelings for 10 years. 10 years? That's a long time to want to be dead and to be fantasising over dying.

It doesn't sound like you are living to me. It sounds like you are merely surviving, existing.

In answer to your question, you won't live when all you want to do is die. If the only thing that you want for yourself to to fantasise about dying and to accept the misery that you feel day in, day out, straining to even find the energy and positivity to clean your flat, then that this what you will continue to do for another 10 years and maybe more.

You're existing for your mother and your brother. It's wonderful that you love them that much, I wish you had that same love for yourself and maybe you'd see that there is much more that you can have for yourself.

You find the motivation in you. It's fine if you are feeling this way and there is nothing wrong with how you are feeling. They are your feelings, how could they possibly be wrong?

What to do?
I guess you're going to have to continue feeling this way for another 10 years.

You'll live when you're ready to and when you decide to. It doesn't sound like you want to or are ready to yet.

When you know that you are ready and want to live then that is the time when you will also choose to live. You will find your inner resources to discover what you need to make things better e.g. go back to college to get qualifications for a different job.

You're a beautiful human being and you can choose anything you want, even misery. It breaks my heart to read that that is all that you want for yourself.

[Albus Dumbledore]

Thank you so much for your reply, and thank you to everyone for your hugs.

You're right, I'm not really living, just existing. There have been brief periods during this time that I have really felt alive, and been able to plan for the future and feel happy, but they are short lived and always followed by a horrible crash. The last 6 months or so, I've managed to remain fairly stable mood-wise, but it has been a low mood, with no motivation, and no energy. I'm not sure what's worse really.

I've been having a lot of intrusive thoughts, mostly related to hurting/killing myself lately and took last week off work as the thoughts are so loud. I went back this morning, but only managed 4 hours, and even then didn't do much. I'm home now, and the thoughts have only slowed done/been more quiet because I've had a couple of beers. I know not a good idea as alcohol is a depressant, but it makes the thoughts so much more able to cope with, and quiets the anxiety.

My manager has been very nice, but I think it is difficult for him to understand (particularly since the inner working of my mind are so illogical). I also feel very frustrated with myself as me being off puts a lot of strain on my co-workers.

I just don't know how to like myself.

[Bear]

Can I ask if you have or have had any kind of support network? A doctor, counsellor? Have you tried therapy or medication?
There is hope. And there's help out there for you x

[Albus Dumbledore]

I have a CPN, and am on a lot of meds. My psychiatrist said I'm on the maximum dose of everything and therefore won't change my meds. He wants to discharge me after he sees me one more time. I've also done a course of DBT, but found it very difficult and most of the time was focussing more on just staying in the room rather than what we were being taught.

[Chia.]

Have you thought about having some psychotherapy that isn't DBT or CBT based?

[Albus Dumbledore]

I was told by my previous care coordinator that DBT works and that is all that they would offer me. I might speak to my new one though.

[Epicene]

There are definitely other options in terms of treatment. You've felt this way a long time but it doesn't mean things can't get better.

Does your psych know how desperate you feel? It sounds like you're quite depressed and there is a chance he might not want to discharge you if he knew just how bad things are. Could you ask about changing medication as opposed to increasing the dosage?

I'm impressed that you have been able to keep fighting and stay alive after such a long time of feeling suicidal. What factors have helped you keep fighting? I know you feel like you're just passively surviving, but I think you're being hard on yourself because it's actually a real achievement to keep living when you don't want to.

[Albus Dumbledore]

Last time I saw my psych, I was fairly stable. My mood was low, but it wasn't this bad. I've got another appointment with him at the end of this month, so will ask about changing meds then.
The reason I'm still alive is because I don't want to cause anyone else (particularly my younger brother and mum) pain by killing myself. I don't want them to be left with all the questions about why, and whether they could have done something to stop it.