Asking for help with addiction and overdosing. My psych was a bastard.

[Margo]

I made a thread about overdosing that many of you kindly read and replied to.

I started buying drugs from an online pharmacy and overdosing on them. The amounts rose quickly and so did my tolerance. The overdosing replaced the cutting. It also made days dissapear so I could just stay in bed and not have to go outside and face the world.

I knew and I know what I was doing was dangerous and the amounts I had reached were quite serious.

Last week I decided I would try and ween myself of off the drugs. I managed to almost half the dose. I was still over the RDA but I was doing my best.

I also bought a large amount of sleeping pills too. The intent was a more final one. It was veryy hard but yesterday I went to the psychiatrist and handed over all the sleepers with the intent of them being destroyed.

At no point was this acknowledged as a positive thing and immediately I was asked where the other pills were. I said I wasn't ready to give them up but explained I am weening mys of off and I need their help to get myself off them.

Again there was no positive reaction to this. I was spoken to like a child. I'm 44 and quite highly educated. I was given a lecture on the dangers I face whilst on these drugs and that I can not b given help while I refuse to give them up.

The irony of this is that he then said the best way to ween myself off them is to reduce th dose by 5 mg. every 4 days until I get to 10/15 mg per day and then they can review my ADS and take further action. However, without the drugs how could I ween myself from them? This after warning me of the high risk of seizure if I stop cold turkey.

I was 100% sincere and honest. I was coherent and calm. I was told the fact that once off the drugs I would never be prescribed them again as this would go against their ethics. The problem is these drugs have been the most successful way of controlling my anxiety if and when needed (I only take them when needed and not in a daily basis).

I asked what the risks of me cutting r the dose too quickly and he told me I was a well read man and I could look it up for myself.

At this point the interview was terminated and I was told I'd be reviewed in a few months.

I took 10 mg less last night and went to bed. I spent an hour wrapped up tight trying to not go and cut. The urge to harm is massive. The urge the harm badly is great.

I feel I did everything I could. I handed over pills, made a vow to help and follow instruction, told them I've signed for three courses to help my mood etc and I came away feeling like a chastised child.

I've been left feeling the need to harm myself and I'm so tempted to take all the remaining pills just to say **** you.

I've met many psychs and I can honestly say two have been nice with any semblance of a bedside manner, the rest, including this one, have just left me feeling a failure, a bad person and feeling worse.

I'm sorry for taking up another thread space, but I'm so upset. A well done would have been enough. Not a lecture on how can we help you unless you refuse to help yourself, when I actually went I and told them I was trying maybes to help myself and asking them to augment that help.

*cries*

[Arienette]

i don't really know what to say, but i'll leave you a *hug*

This sounds like a really difficult situations but i think you did well with handing them over. xx

[Ktulu]

That's so lousy. Your courage, honesty and desire to help yourself should have been acknowledged. It sounds like this doctor is devoid of empathy and bedside manner. You know that you did the right thing and how much strength it took to do that, please hold on to that. It can be such a let down when people fail to recognise the steps we take to help ourselves but don't let that put you in reverse. Is there any other professionals that you have a better relationship with, GP, nurse etc? Would it be possible to speak to them and tell them what support you see yourself needing to get over this? Or would it be possible to ask to be referred to a substance misuse service who would be better set up to support you and recognise the steps you've already take to help yourself? I think you've been incredibly brave to get yourself this far and you deserve to get all the support you need to get where you want to be, please don't give up now due to the bad attitude of one person.

[Snow White.]

You have done so bloody well to reduce your doses, hand over the pills and be honest. I'm appalled at how you were treated but that doesn't take away your achievements. We know how much you've been struggling and so these are huge steps - I wish he has acknowledged that but we can do it here. You have been making huge steps. What are these courses you signed up for?

You're doing the right things. We're here for you to help you keep going.
xx

[sherlock holmes]

You have done something that took an awful lot of courage, and it wasn't recognised. I'd be incredibly upset too. But please don't retaliate and undo your hard work. Now and then some poor psychiatrists come around and really it's best to ignore his rudeness and just concentrate on the medical advice he gave. You're entitled to a second opinion from another psychiatrist so maybe it would be helpful to do that. Or to see your GP to have more support on reducing the dose.

[Margo]

Thank you. Thankfully I'm away with Chelsea for the next two weeks so should be pretty safe. I'm still angry and I feel like a child but everyone's reaction has been the same.

I am proud of what I did. As many will know holding and stashing is a control thing and it took a lot for me to hand them over and relinquish some of that control. My care worker did not advocate or help at all and I am going o ask if she can be changed.

I spoke to a girl who goes to the same meetings at MIND with me who had her as her care worker. My friend suffers from Ana and this woman told
Her to just nip out and have a mars bar and she'll soon feel better.

But for now I'm ok. Train leaves at 7 and then I'll be looked after by my little nurse.

Thank you for listening and replying. It really means a lot

Love to all

Matthew xxx

[sherlock holmes]

Sorry I've only just realised who you are! (it's Control Freak here if you remember me).

Have a lovely time with Chelsea. I hope you have better luck changing your care worker!

[Margo]

Yes sarah its me. We used to chat a lot just as you were leaving for uni. Seems so long ago now. But yes it is the penguin

[sherlock holmes]

Yes I remember! Hope you're having a lovey time x