pacoparrot
04-05-2015, 02:32 AM
I hate the feeling of being drained and unfulfilled. There is nothing that bothers me more than feeling like something could have been more than it is. It's like the magic is gone from my life. I have tried so hard to change my route in life so I can be happy again. But all I've done is give myself a bunch of unavoidable responsibilities that are making me more misurable than I started out being. Now I am starting a job and taking driving lessons as well. The scary part is I can no longer afford to go to the hospital because of mental illness. I can't lose it anymore. I'm stuck bottling up my feelings. I feel like the lowest form of a person. I wouldn't say an animal, because some people see the beauty in animals. I have always felt infereor. People don't value me. Like I am not worth their time. I was treated terribly in high school because of my emotionalness. Eventually the general assumption was that I was special needs so people let up on the picking a little but it feels terrible to be treated that way as well. People telling each other to not pick on me because I'm "special". I'm not "special" I may have bipolar disorder or possibly high functioning autism but that does not affect my intellegence or my ability to understand things. I see how they treat people that they value and I long for that feeling of being included and looked out for. The people that call me their "friend" are just users. They only think of me when they are in need of something. When something is going that is better they don't invite me. I watch their kids, buy them food, and give them advice and support when they are hurt or feeling down. But no I don't consider myself to have any friends. I had friends when I was younger. It was a give and take relationship. We looked out for each other and were always trying to hang out and keep in contact. It wasn't one sided. Sure I have this picture perfect vision of meeting someone and settling down one day but how could that ever happpen if I don't have friends or supportive family. And don't tell me that "I have to love myself first" because I did that for a long time and it doesn't help. Making yourself fake happy and only focusing on the positive only can get you so far. If people don't care still then you haven't made any progress. I live with my mom. She is pretty much getting to the point that she is done with me. I have treated her poorly since she is the only person that I can vent to. She can't stand me anymore. She blames me for her not having a life. She resents how needy I am and just seems to make me feel even worse anymore. I don't know where to turn. I'm trapped in this. I just want to enjoy my life and I can't. My birthday is in a few weeks and I don't have any plans. My birthday used to mean something to me. Now I just feel like I wasted another year.