Do I tell the psych?

[Margo]

I have an appointment in Monday. I haven't seen the psych for 4 or so years. Things aren't as bad as they were in January/February and it's taken till now to get an appointment.

I stopped my medication and I don't feel any worse or any better. I'm just ok, you know?

But I've been od'ing on one of my meds. Not my Ad but something else. Not massive overdoses. Just enough to knock me out and make days and nights go faster.

I've found a place online that sells them now and my first batch arrived and they work.

I kind of want to tell the psych because I know that what I'm doing isn't right and dangerous. But I don't want to tell because I don't want to be told to stop and I don't want to be forced to do something I don't want. I'm fantasising 100% of the time about taking them all. I've done it before. Lost a week but was ok.

I just don't want to feel. I don't want to be me. They take away the fear of dying and it's comforting.

I don't feel ill. That's the weirdest thing.

[sherlock holmes]

You don't sound okay- you're overdosing on medication in order to cope and you're thinking about making your ODs more serious.

I really think you need to tell your psychiatrist. I expect stopping your meds has probably at least been partly the trigger for you feeling this way. Your psychiatrist may explore other medication options or see if there's any therapy you can have to help you manage how you are feeling.

You can't carry on as you are because you are doing your body damage from overdosing, and either intentionally or by accident you could end up killing yourself.

[Ballerina123]

I think you should tell your psych so you can get a medical check up and make sure everything is ok physically with you.
Even if you feel well it can damage your heart, kidneys and liver.

[Snow White.]

Please please do tell the psych, they can work through all these feelings with you and help you to get to a place where you won't need this, but for now you really do need and deserve this help.

[Margo]

They aren't big overdoses. I'm quite measured and calculated. I'm an idiot, I know but I'm so sad and scared of the world and I'm so tired of everything being uphil.

I'm sorry. I know I should know better

[Margo]

Thanks. im sorry to have posted. I'm just scared. I know I could take 10 times the amount I am with little major risk. Day after is the worst when I stumble and I have to wait till people have left the house so they don't think I'm drunk.

i find it harder to pretend I'm ok. Peoples kids are asking if I'm sad. It's heart breaking.

I'm sorry to have written this post. I know everything I'm saying is stupid and frustrating and contradictory.

I. Sorry

[Margo]

Thank you.

Im usually 100% honest in assessments and meetings. It's like a compulsion to tell the truth. I e been seeing them in and off for 10 years and I don't know why I'm so scared.

I'm so tired. I took more pills but only enough to make me a little sleepy and not drowsy today. Now I have to get up and eat. Get the energy to cut myself and go to my appointment.

I know I don't need to cut. They never ask to see them but it's something I've always done. I guess it validates it in my head and makes me feel less guilty.

I feel so stupid for making all these posts. I really do know better. I ,just, seem incapable of doing anything about it.

Thank you again and sorry.x

[Too Shy]

There's no need to apologise for posting - it's not stupid at all, if it's helping you to get this out of your head then it's a positive thing.

Do you know what it is about cutting yourself before appointments that makes it seem 'validated' in your head? Is the guilt you feel guilt for having the appointments? If it is, then - although I know it's not as easy to believe it as it is to say it - you don't need to feel guilty. Your problems are just as validated if you don't cut yourself, it is ok to struggle. (Apologies if this sounds patronising, it isn't intended to!)

Please please do try to tell them about the overdoses. However 'minor' they seem to you, the effects can be cumulative and anything over the recommended dose is dangerous. It could still be doing harm to you, and it is a sign that you're not ok. They need to know what's going on for you so that they can help you the best way they can and check you out if necessary.

Take care x

[Margo]

I told them everything. They were nice but tricky. I'm getting hop with medication, help with therapy and help with other kinds of rehab too. There was concern over the overdosing and I told them I didn't have as many left as I have. They assured me they re not small overdoses.

I have to have bloods and an ecg. I go back in 3 weeks and we discuss my meds and further action.

Thnk you for listening and reading.

[Snow White.]

I'm proud of you for telling them, and I hope it leads to more support that ultimately makes life feel better for you so you don't need to be taking the pills x

[Margo]

I feel ashamed. Starting meds again and my eggs ar going like mad. Up at 3. Head all over. I took more pills. I have more on order. I cut over the mornings cuts till they looked like "my cuts". I'm sorry.

I promised them I'd try. All I've thought about since is making things worse.

I'm a bad person

[sherlock holmes]

What do you feel ashamed about? You did really well telling them what had been going on, and you deserve to be helped.

You were told your ODs are not minor and that you need the ECG and bloods. Since you OD'd again last night/today I really think you need to get to A&E/ER and get checked out.

It doesn't make you a bad person. You're struggling right now, please reach out and get help and take what they offer you.

[Margo]

Thanks. I'll try and go tomorrow. Going to try and not take any pills today and stay clean. I feel ashamed because they have referred me back to the same team where it all started.

I honestly don't know why I had to SH like I did. I really don't know why.

I'm so tired right now. Adds are tiring me out and well I'm shattered.

Thank you for reading sarah.

Penguin hugs to all xxx

[Margo]

I always feel like I need to self harm before appointments, medical or psych, just to justify being there. Like if I am not actively harming, then I don't deserve to be there or something. I don't know if that is similar to how you feel, but I thought I would throw that out there.

100%

I know I also feel like when I say I won't do x,y,z that it almost makes me want to do so more. Just because then I feel pressured.

This too. I promised I'd try and in lol the years of treatment I've adhered to everything they have said. However the urge is massive. Was huge struggle not to od but I stayed clean. All I been thinking is that I can do it tonight .

Again, I don't know if you can relate to any of this and if it's different for you that is obviously totally fine. I don't think you have anything to apologize for.

I hope you managed to not od and let your body get some well deserved rest. Do you have a friend or anyone you can ask to go with you to get the ekg and bloods done? Or at the very least a friend who might be willing to gently prod you to at least go? I know for me I find it helpful to have someone check up on me with stuff like that, or even do something nice with me after.

Thinking of you. <3


Thank you. I don't have anyone to go with. My dad knows I'm going but never offered. I've done most of this by myself over the years. I don't have friends up here really. Bit isolated.

I'll go to the hospital about 2. Should be quieter then after the morning rush and lunchtimers.

Will they need to put patches on both arms? My right upper is a bit of a mess.

[Margo]

Thank you. I made it to hospital. Got totally lost and a bit panicked but the nurses were lovely. Bloods taken and Ecg done.

I felt so low when I got back so I went to teach and bought sushi and looked around tkmaxx.

Then stupidly I went and took Valium. Then even more stupidly I cut over a Bad cut. Whole arm is throbbing. half a loo roll strapped to my arm and feel a bit sick.

Silly me.

Odd being referred to as Margo.

Thank you for the support

[sherlock holmes]

Are you able to get back to the hospital for the cut to be looked at?

[Margo]

I'm sat in a&e now. Thy stemmed the bleed finally. Just waiting for stitches I think

[Margo]

Home now. Totally exhausted. Felt so sorry for my dad. Felt so ashamed. stiched and bandaged and cleaned and secure.

Tomorrow I'm wrapping myself in bubble wrap amd styling fear of all sharp objects.

[Margo]

That should say staying clear of all sharp objects. Oddly my iPad has dyslexic auto correct.

[Margo]

Thank you. Means a lot. Yeah tough day. Head feels like I'm in a fish tank today. Thank you so,u have for listening and identifying. Was so assuring to know someone does the same things as me.

[Snow White.]

It's great you got the help you needed, I know it wouldn't have been easy. Keep posting tomorrow if you think it'll help keep you safe x

[Margo]

Aimee you are so sweet and beautiful. Ruffle ruffle xxx

[Too Shy]

I'm really glad to hear you got the help you needed, that was a really brave thing to do. Staying clear of sharp objects definitely sounds like a good plan today! It can feel very surreal and overwhelming after experiences like that, and quite exhausting, so do try to rest today and be gentle with yourself.

How are you doing now? x