Life is ****ing Stupid

[effervescence]

So. After years of stress and agony I finally went to my manager and disclosed a small part of the trouble I am having at work, in terms of some of the necessities of my job.

She sent me to occupational health and the doctor there basically tore me to shreds, but I must have shown enough of a problem because she has taken me off some duties for 3 months, and I am to see her monthly during that time to monitor progress.

It took me a LONG time to get to this point because my whole life I have downplayed my problems. I hate labels, I don't want to be "that person with such and such problems" - I don't want things on my medical or employment record that may limit me in the future. Now I know that there is no shame in having a mental health problem and that employers should not discriminate etc but the fact is, having these limitations put on my job and duties WILL affect my future employment. Who would an employer choose someone who cannot do the whole job?

ANYWAY my question is - I told a little bit, but did not disclose a large portion of my problems. To be fair, she didn't really ask, just assumed I was being honest. And I was - I didn't lie, but there is a lot more that she doesn't know about. The whole history. She just thinks I'm having mood trouble which is new.

I am tempted to just break down and confess everything, but terrified of the consequences. But it's just so hard to pretend all the time. Particularly at the moment, I am finding it really difficult to control my self harm urges, more than usual. My mood is much worse than usual. I just don't know what to do??

[Margo]

Firstly, well done for saying something. It must have been really hard. Secondly I think that not disclosing the whole thing was the right thing initially. Maybe you've disclosed enough to. Take away enough pressure to help you continue? See how it goes perhaps?

You can't discriminate a mental illness from a physical one. So if you went to OH with a physical ailment you'd be treated the same.

As for disclosing more - I guess you have to ask if you need more help? Has the amount you've disclosed eased enough tension and stress to help you continue and recuperate? Or do you feel that what you've been offered isn't enough?

hugs and monkies

Matthew x

[effervescence]

You can't discriminate a mental illness from a physical one. So if you went to OH with a physical ailment you'd be treated the same.

See, that's the whole problem. As much as we know that's true, I got the whole spiel of "if you had a clear medical problem like a broken leg then I would have a reason to blah blah blah.... but you don't".

Thank you for reassuring me on the rest of it though - I think you're right, I've said enough for the time being and I should just see how it goes.

[Margo]

OH will probably have a strict set of criteria to assess staffs needs. I'd be pretty positive your needs don't fit nicely into their questionnaire and they are a little stuck where to place you.

I hope things look up for you. You've done the right thing.

[effervescence]

You may be right.
I'd assumed that since mental health problems are so prevalent, they would be more accepting/more used to it.

[dragon uk]

like mentioned above OH have a set of criteria that the person presenting to them needs to neatly fit into, with someone who presents with mental health issues that can be rather difficult for a OH practitioner to do but not impossible. I would say see how the next meeting goes with them and if you feel comfortable to after that, disclose the rest of what has happened/ is going on for you.

[effervescence]

What happens if I don't fit into their criteria and they won't help me?

I am really worried that I will end up incapable of holding down a job, in a career that I have worked hard for.

I am really struggling right now, my mood has been getting lower and lower and I worry endlessly about the occ health situation as well. Getting lots and lots of urges to hurt myself and finding it hard to resist.

[effervescence]

I have to go to meetings with my manager and stuff :crying:

[Eir]

I hope it works out. I feel for you, at my two year appraisal for work my boss let me know that if wasn't for the deputy DON, they wouldn't have hired my, cos I was upfront about my bipolar. Now im nearly finished my degree and am having freak outs over my history in relation to my registration and future employment as a nurse. Especially since I'm struggling now.
I hope your manager is understanding. Hopefully my story gives you hope that you can make it, that not every manager is unsympathetic, and you don't necessarily need to give up hope on maintaining work in a career that you have worked hard for.
Take care, have hope
Annie

[effervescence]

Thank you Annie.

I am going to counselling through work, I get 3 sessions. Which feels like nothing really, but I guess anything is better than literally nothing. First appointment is tomorrow. Really scared!

[Eir]

We get a call centre counselling at work. Never used it, because I avoid ththerapists in general. Is there something similar aswell?

[effervescence]

I don't think so, just the 3 face to face sessions.
I had my first appointment today and I don't think it made any difference, you can't really talk about much when you've literally just met someone.

[Margo]

3 isn't much but it shows you've been recognised and they are starting to help. No one with any sense will expect you to be healed after 3 sessions. If this were true the world of psychs would suddenly dissapear and they'd all be eating from waste bins and sleeping rough on the street.



I went to OH with my breakdown. Many OH are ex nurses so should have a pretty good idea. They will now put you in a process of gradual assessment. Check on you and see if there is anything else that can help such as shared responsibility, working for home, etc etc.

MH is an area that is terrifying employers right now due to all the current legislation changes and high profile court cases. They will tread lightly I'm sure.

My advice would be to keep the communication up. Make a diary of mood etc and also what affects you most at work. This can help when discussing in therapy or with your OT. Openness and honesty is totally the way. It shows a sense of control and willingness which can seem counter intuitive but is the right way.

Takes guts to do what you've done. Most don't.

Talk to your gp and see if there is anything they can do. They may refer you to MHT and perhaps you can get a little assistance and be offered a few courses like mindfulness or something.

They key is not to give up and. ALWAYS ALWAYS be honest and open.

We all struggle. We all pretend we're great in front of others and then go eat a tub of ice cream and cry under the duvet.

Let us know how the sessions go.

As for worrying about the future, worry about now. Because right now you are contemplating the future with a poorly and disfunctioning brain. Not one that has rational thought as is more willing and capabl of chance and acceptance of what will be will be.

Love

Matthew xxx

[Eir]

*hugs*

[effervescence]

It just seems like no matter what I try or what I tell myself, I can never move to a "happier" way of thinking. I just can't get out of this hole that my brain is in. It's so exhausting.

I just wish the world would just go away.

[Margo]

It just seems like no matter what I try or what I tell myself, I can never move to a "happier" way of thinking. I just can't get out of this hole that my brain is in. It's so exhausting.

I just wish the world would just go away.



I can relate totally. It's a horrid feeling. What happening with work? How's the one to ones?

Big hugs xx

[effervescence]

I have a meeting next monday with the occ health doctor, from there she wants to arrange a meeting with my managers to decide where to from here.
I am really scared about what she will say, and about having to face up to my managers and be honest about my situation.
I am not sure what is going to happen.

In general my mental health is diabolical right now. The lose hold I had over it has totally gone. I am making strange decisions, going from depressed to manic and back again. Ruined the one good relationship I had in my life. Contemplating harming myself in ways I have not considered for a good few years. Feel like everything is spiralling out of control.