Control & low mood

[when.will.it.end]

I will probably delete this but let's see how it goes.

I feel constantly out of control and unsafe. My hypervigilance is through the roof; everyone is a threat to my safety and nothing/nowhere/nobody is safe. I feel like I'm going to be attacked, ridiculed, mocked, judged, killed. It's exhausting. Even with friends I'm terrified. I've come to the conclusion that I don't actually sleep I just shut my eyes, dissociate and spend all night having flashbacks which turn into nightmares and vice versa. I try and control this through restricting but it's not going to plan, I'm more or less maintaining my weight which just adds to the distress because I can't cope with being this size anymore. It's disgusting. I have a degree to do, which is another way of trying to feel in control but I'm not on top of my work which is adding to everything.

I don't know what to do. I'm suicidal. I don't see the point in life, in this life, why suffer when it could be over? Yes, it would hurt people around me but I'm hurting too. I know it's selfish. But after years of living for other people don't I deserve this? Don't I deserve to actually do something for myself? Normally I would just focus on self harm but I don't want to self harm, I just want it to be over. I have meds (they were meant to be taken off my repeat list but for some reason it's apparently not been done) & I can't bare to get rid of them. They could be lethal. I've only just been discharged from acute services last week, I don't want to go back.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

[sherlock holmes]

Hi Katie. I recognise myself in what you've written, about the need to control things/your life.

It's incredibly exhausting trying to have so much control all the time, and it just fuels into itself. The more you try to control the more you feel out of control.

I think if you were to try loosening that grip on some aspects of your life you'd feel a lot more relaxed. It can be hard letting go a bit, so you could start slowly? Maybe go to a coffee shop you'd normally avoid if you were being really hypervigilant and tell yourself it doesn't matter what people think of you, if they are thinking of you at all.

Have you tried relaxation techniques? Guided meditation is very helpful I find, especially before bed as it helps me to relax.

I think you want the pain and suffering you experience to end, but suicide is a very permanent end. The other way of ending that pain is to work through it bit by bit and rediscover yourself. Re-learn how to enjoy life and how to cope.

Are you receiving any therapy at the moment? It would be very useful I think to work through some of the things you struggle with in therapy.

Don't give up, it will get better.

[when.will.it.end]

Thank you <3

It is hard trying to be in control of everything all the time. I've got it in my head that that's the only way to feel safe but maybe I'd actually feel safe if I cared less. It's the food and my work that is overwhelming me. I'm trying to lighten up about both. I'm not overweight and I am working a bit. Just not as much as I think I should be.

I've started trying to meditate morning and night. It's very hard but I think it'll help a lot. I did a meditation retreat in Thailand a few years ago so I'm doing what I learnt there.

I am in therapy, yes. I see my therapist Tuesday. I don't have long left with her though, only a month or so. We're starting EMDR when I see her. I'm hoping it will help with flashbacks which in turn will make me feel safer. I've heard good things about it but I don't know much about what's involved, it's a bit nerve-wracking.

I'm feeling a tiny bit better today & I didn't overdose or anything last night so I suppose that's good. I really do think I'll feel better when I'm thinner and I've got more work done but I suppose in some ways it's never ending; I'll only want yet more control, both through work and weight. I don't really have anyone to talk to about food because I don't want to talk to friends and family in case they get worried and interfere with me trying to lose weight and professionals don't care because I'm not underweight. I feel like I'm walking around with this huge secret and it's grating on me.

Sorry that was really long again! Thanks for the reply xx

[Ballerina123]

Just want to leave a hug and say I know exactly how you felt as I feel the same atm.
Sorry you feel this way too. X

[when.will.it.end]

Thanks.

I'm feeling completely out of control today. Even though I've lost weight. I don't know what's wrong with me. I felt very unsafe at home around all the guys so I'm going to the library to work instead. My friend wants to meet but I don't have time, I've got too much to do. I feel like someone is going to kill me. I cannot hack this. :crying:

[sherlock holmes]

I know it feels like you'll be happier and more in control if you lose weight but you know it doesn't work that way. You might lose weight but you'll then tell yourself it wasn't enough, and you'll set a new goal and convince yourself you'll only be happy then. I've also been through that way of thinking and my perfectionist mind was never happy at anything and kept setting stricter targets. I think the key is to learn to be happy with who you are right now.

Why do you feel like someone is going to kill you?

[when.will.it.end]

Yeah i can't deny that. It doesn't change the fact I'm huge though. I hope I'll be able to lose a bit and then stop. I don't know if that will actually happen or not.

I don't know. Just a very strong feeling. Feel very exposed and vulnerable and at risk. And stuff like that has happened before. I'm sure it'll happen again. And Im the only girl living with four guys which doesn't help.