Feeling out of control

[sherlock holmes]

Just need a bit of support really. Things have been going well for a while now, I've been seeing my psychologist and I've been feeling positive that things can change.

I didn't have therapy last week because of the bank holiday. Because it was a bit of a break, last session my psychologist gave me the challenge of not doing any of my sabotaging behaviours (basically binging, self harming and so on) as a kind of little test (as I'm going on holiday to New York in 3 months and can't do any of that there).

And things were going quite well until yesterday when I binged really badly. It was stupid because I had a good day doing my OU work and then going for a long walk taking photos in the sunshine. And out of nowhere that evening I just snapped and binged and I felt completely out of control. Like I couldn't control my arms they were just shovelling food in my mouth and it's continued today.

I did start the progesterone only pill a week ago so I know the change in hormones is probably making me feel a bit unbalanced, so that might be part of the reason.

I know the binge was mainly fuelled by my anxiety over meeting the dietitian again soon, and I have been trying to rapidly implement what she said but it just keeps triggering binges (because I'm not 'allowed' certain foods).

I don't know. Times like this I feel I'll never change. I don't have the self control not to binge it seems. Or to lose weight to become healthy.

How do I start to move forward again?

[Serendipity.]

I'm sorry that you had a slip with binging, I can understand that it's added to the stress you're feeling at the moment and it can be difficult to take control of things again.

BUT remember that you have been doing so well. A slip does not change that; instead of feeling like you've messed things up, can you try to remind yourself that the progress you've made shows that you can do it - it's just that it takes time for things to fully improve. You said that at times like this you feel you'll never change, and I can understand those feelings, but think about where you were a few years back - like when you were in hospital, or when you weren't able to do a lot of the things that you do now. You have changed! And you will continue to make progress and develop.

Is there anything that you've found helpful up until now? Has your therapist helped you to find any techniques that help you avoid these behaviours? Maybe now would be a good time to remind yourself of some of the skills that have been useful in the past.

Take care, I really hope you feel a bit better really soon x

[Snow White.]

Hi lovely, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling and it's something I can relate to a great deal. The feeling of hopelessness will pass - you might have to just stare it in the face for a while and talk back to it, literally, with counter arguments. When the automatic thoughts come in that "I can't do this" tell them "no! Im Sarah and I've done amazing things and I can do this too". Or whatever dialogue works for you.

No recovery, or wellness, or behaviour change is always smooth sailing. Could you look at this as a learning experience and think about why you began binging and what could be done differently next time? Many situations and feelings and genuine hunger can trigger a binge and it sounds like youve found ways to cope with some of those, because you had that period of success, but one situation or two needs some more strategies in place.

I think the most important thing you can do to move forward is forgive yourself. Don't dwell on the one experience of binging. You've gone a long time without it so try and focus on that! But I think forgiveness is key, else you can move quickly into a shame or guilt space, depression, more anxiety and compound your already difficult feelings.

So maybe today is a pamper day? Really treat yourself and your body. Do things you enjoy and be mindful in those moments. Maybe it will help offset the negative thoughts or reset your focus.

You can do this, but go gently on yourself xx

[sherlock holmes]

Thanks Hannah.

That's true, I have made changes over the years and made progress. It can be easy to forget that. I guess I just really wanted to be able to have something great to tell my psychologist this week by saying I'd not binged etc. And now I've got say actually I wasn't able to do it.

Though I can also see that the past two weeks haven't been awful and there have been other situations I've successfully used my skills in.

We've discussed a few techniques and I've got a list of distractions. I will do some of them now (though sometimes I just dont want to do them!)

My anxiety is quite high, and I'm worried I've messed things up, but trying to be rational and see that a couple of binges haven't ruined my life.

[sherlock holmes]

Sorry didn't see your reply Aimee! I feel really awful and hate sitting with my feelings. I still want to keep binging, or do something else like spend a lot of money just to get rid of these emotions.

I know a big trigger for the binge was the fact I had a dietitian appointment through for three weeks time, and I'd not really tried that hard to change my diet like I said I would. So I desperately wanted to implement those changes and give it a go so that in 3 weeks time I could say to the dietitian I'd had a wobble, but was still committed. So I started off well, and eating healthily and actually dealing with a little hunger. And it felt really good because I was making good choices. But then Easter happened and chocolate is a huge trigger for me and basically I started eating and couldn't stop. Chocolate is on the "no" list from the dietitian (for health reasons) so it was a forbidden thing and I craved it so badly.

I'm trying to forgive myself. It's hard. And it doesn't help that my binging is tied up with my health issues (which is why I see the dietitian) and since the colonoscopy things have got worse and all of it is making me so stressed and fed up.

I'm going to go gentle on myself today.

[sherlock holmes]

I think the guilt and shame I was finding difficult to process.

I don't really know what emotions triggered the binge! It was strange because yesterday I had a great day, felt positive and managed to finish my essay. And yet I binged. It just felt like my self control ran out.

[Arienette]

Stopping binging is hard.

The thing is that it is easy to lose sight of progress especially when you have relapses but it's a long road with a lot of hiccups and relapses. It's ok to have relapses, even if you manage to not do it for a year and relapse that's ok because it's still progress.

It's a long journey and you can do it with the right support.

Have you been able to cope with you stressors lately? Often something stressing without you realising can trigger a binge.

X

[Epicene]

I will reply properly later, but I just wanted to drop by and leave some hugs. You seem to get a lot from your psychologist, and I wonder if the break from seeing her made things harder. That's not a bad thing per se; I mean it in a reassuring way. I'm sure she'll give you some renewed faith in your next appointment. You are really good at analysing past events and in time I do think you will learn to put it in practice before behaviours take over.

[sherlock holmes]

Yes I do think the week break from therapy was harder than I anticipated. My therapy sessions go well and give me a boost for the week, so I was lacking that last week!