Could I please just have a bit of support?

[Bear.]

Im completely falling apart, and my attempt to cover up the cracks is quickly failing.
I work full time, my manager is aware that I'm having a rough patch, but work is so stressful for me at the minute. It's always been my one escape from things but now it's just adding to everything, but equally if I'm off work then that makes it worse. I hate being there but I hate my days off.
I'm constantly in a battle with myself to not do something irrational, and to keep thinking straight, but sometimes the lines get blurred and that's so hard.
I have a cpn, and I can be open with her. But because of parasuicidal/failed attempts at things before, I can understand why she's not quick to jump to do anything. She's told me previously that even if I call her and say "I am going to do x y z " - she will not act on it, as it is my decision. Which yes, I agree it is.. But obviously if I am asking for help its because ultimately I don't want things to go that way.
My anxiety is so much worse recently, whether that's due to stress at work, or a combination of that plus feeling worse in general, I don't know. I just feel so on edge, and I can work myself into a panic attack so easily.

I don't really know what I'm asking for, I'm just at breaking point and I really don't know where to turn. I can't think straight, I really don't see any way out of it all. It's like my heads all twisted and however hard I try, I can't see in a straight line. I have awful thoughts, and I fear I am so close to acting on them. I physically and mentally cannot cope any more.

I feel like I'm asking for help when there is none, I just don't know what to do. But I'm scared im going to do something permanent.

[OrchestraSystem]

I'm low on words, but I'm sending you a load of safe and happy thoughts. I hope things improve for you soon and you begin to feel more supported.

Nik.

[Bear.]

Thank you x x

[Bear.]

Sorry to bump.. But please could I have a bit of advice/support? Things are just getting worse.. I called 111 on Saturday night as I was struggling badly, they said that there's a note in my file to tell me if I call, to contact the crisis team. So I did and they literally told me they don't know what to suggest.. Yesterday I rang them again, and the same response. I don't expect them to have a magic wand or to instantly make things better, but the fact that the people trained to help are telling me there is nothing.. Makes me feel so much more hopeless about things.
I rang my cpn today in tears and I'm seeing her tomorrow at 9am but I know it won't be of any use. I'm so, so lost and I just don't know what to do. I also have an appointment tomorrow with my dr for psychodynamic therapy, it'll be my second session, and my first was absolutely awful so I'm dreading that and my anxiety is so high.
I also have work tomorrow and I just can't cope. I'm at absolute breaking point and I just don't want to be here anymore. :crying:

[Bear.]

Maybe not...

[eye]

Sorry this is quite late bear but i have seen you in chat a couple of times. Keep your chin up and you might not be living but you are alive right now and you are doing ok....no matter what your head tells you. You can do this. If you do need to sound off or anything do feel free to drop me a pm and I will try to respond asap. Keep strong.

Do something good for yourself right now. Even if its just something small like looking in the mirror and telling yourself I am here and I am strong its still something.

*hugs*

[Snow White.]

Things sound so overwhelming for you right now, I'm sorry to hear crisis were not supportive. What do you think needs to happen for you to be able to stay safe?

You did a great thing calling 111 when you needed help, well done.

[Epicene]

Well done for reaching out for help and sticking to all your appointments. That can be hard to do, especially when feeling so hopeless. But keep talking to your team, things may not feel different right away but given a bit of time to settle into therapy things may begin to improve.

[Bear.]

I didn't end up going to the therapy on Thursday.. I saw my cpn at 9am and she said she thought it may be a good idea to cancel this week as I wasn't coping. I saw my cpn again yesterday and just broke down.. I was just honest with her and said I'm at breaking point, I am so lost as to what to do and I just can't cope. I'm on the verge of ending up because I just can't do this.
I'm just so tired of trying to be okay and pretending I'm alright. I can't keep it up any more..

Thankyou for your kind words.. Xx

[Aardbei]

Psychodynamic therapy is really hard, and things get worse before they get better - but they do get better. Things sound really difficult right now and I'm so proud of you for trying. Would it be possible to go to some sort of crisis house or hospital whilst you're trying the therapy, to support you through the initial tricky stages?

Love you x

[Bear.]

When I saw Julie (cpn) yesterday, I told her how bad things are and her words were "I could just put you back in hospital but I'd rather take the risk, I'd feel guilty if you ended your life but I'd rather risk it"

She's away for 2 weeks from the 28th and has said she is going to put me on the crisis teams contingency, which basically means I can call them if I need to.. But as proven last weekend, they don't know what to say to me. They literally told me they had no advice.

I'm meant to be seeing my psych on Monday for a review so right now I'm just holding onto that. Hopefully it'll be of some help.

I just don't know what else to do. For once I'm sticking with seeing my cpn weekly, going to all my appointments, I know I cancelled this weeks therapy but I discussed it with Julie first. I've called the CT twice when I've needed them.. I'm going to a self harm help group. I'm trying to keep busy with work, I'm trying to stay positive..but nothing's working. I feel like I'm doing all I can but things are still spiralling.

I'm just feeling worse and worse, courts next month.. I just don't know what to do. I'm in a battle with myself and I'm losing fast. I really don't think I can carry this on much longer. I don't know what I expect them to do.. But they're the professionals. surely they should be able to do something? Or maybe I'm just a completely lost cause. I can only see one way out of it all.

[eye]

try and keep staying positive. You are doing ok your managing to get through the day through this difficult time. Keep strong and drop me a pm if you need to talk or vent or anything.
Stay strong lovely. :)

[Bear.]

Really not sure I can do this much longer.

[~SuNsHiNe~]

Sorry I don't have the right words but want you to know that I read your post and you are not alone - sending you positive thoughts, please take care of yourself *hugs*

[Bear.]

Thanks sunshine and auror.

I completely understand what you mean, that's pretty much what my cpn has told me. I get that they can't just make things better.. I guess it's just because I feel like I am doing all I can, but yet things are still getting worse. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle no matter how hard I try, and things are spiralling. I mentally can't cope with feeling this bad, I have a lot of stress at work at the minute and a court case is coming up at the end of next month which I'm not dealing with well.. (It was the guilt about that, that landed me back in hospital in January) - I really don't feel like I can face the therapy at the minute, but then I'm questioning if there will ever "be the right time" - im meant to have another appointment on Thursday but I'm already panicking about it.

I guess I'm just aware that with how im feeling, im in the edge of doing something bad. I'm trying to do all I can to stop myself, to keep myself safe and distracted but I know I'm only holding on by a thin thread. I guess I'm scared, is the bottom line.

I'm trying to function and be normal, work full time and appear like everything's okay, but its so so difficult to keep covering up the cracks.

What do I do if I get to the point of not being able to cope anymore, all I can think about is ending things and I'm trying so hard to push it to the back of my mind.. But what if I snap and I can't?

[Aardbei]

I don't think there ever will be a right time for therapy, but maybe once the court case is over you might have a bit more headspace for it.

Can you try aiming towards things like that? Break it down into small stages so it doesn't feel so overwhelming. Day by day, even hour by hour. It's just this one horrible but necessary thing you have to get through and then you can focus again. x