Keeping safe when there really is no more support for me so it seems

[LittleCloud]

I saw the Community Health Psychiatrist today. I was referred last week by my doctor and my mental health has really deteriorated since this time. My mood has been so low I often think about just wanting to stop breathing and living; anxiety has been awful and has kept me up late into most nights and what sleep I get doesn't feel enough; I've been losing weight and noone is keeping tabs on this- I saw the scales in the psychiatrist's room today but noone even brought it up. Probably because they saw my fat and were surprised that someone like me really has any problem with food.
I am really feeling in crisis at the moment- I'm barely getting through most days and there is no more support. I can't afford to see the psychologist I was seeing as often because the cost is no longer covered by healthcare; I can't see the counsellor with the uni for another two weeks as she's on leave; I can't even get in to see my doctor for over two weeks to hear what the psychiatrist said. It was only because I pushed at the last minute that he upped my meds. He wanted to leave it to my doctor but my doctor had told me he wanted a psychiatrist to do it as they could help with the mental health side. I was told today the appointment was a one off. I called the Butterfly Foundation but they can only offer online counselling when all I really want is to see the people I know and trust more often. It's just not possible and even if I did feel bad enough, I know how abysmal the psych ward here is. I don't know what to do anymore.
I have supplement drinks coming, but no meal plan and all I can think about is how to cut down what I'm eating all ready so that the supplements don't make me gain. I'm losing, which is what I want but at the same time I feel horribly unsafe because I think I can stop when I'm ready but I don't know and noone is checking. Is it because they think I'm too big for this?
I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

[ParanormalChickenGeek]

Big hugs.

You know what I think already but just to reiterate they would NOT have thought you were big in any way, because quite simply you're not and anyone can see that. Unfortunately due to budget cuts to MH services etc a lot of people are going untreated and I'm really sorry that you're one of them.

Please try stick to the meal plan I showed you, maybe no professionals are watching what happens with your weight right now but your friends and family will be watching and they'll be concerned about you.

You need to keep using your job as motivation not to continue losing. It'd be so sad if your guys lost out on you caring for them.

Keep your head held high and ignore those horrible voices. X

[LittleCloud]

I can't thank you enough lovely, but I can't maintain yet. I can barely survive this insane shrieking in my head; the anxiety..... I can't live like this. I have the supplement drinks and I will do my best with them but the fear I feel with them.... when I last had them all I remember is the horrible full feeling. Being forced to drink them; forced to eat the toast... the horrible full shame.... the tears.... every day and noone ever spoke to me about what it was. In a way they still don't. No diagnosis fits. I'm barely making it through the thoughts. I had a cup of tea with a friend and we both talked some. That helped but the trauma is eating.... eating anything and I can't avoid it. I will take the supplements though and will start to use the plan a couple of days a week. So far as I know I'm safe but the doctor didn't check anything and noone but me checks my weight. I don't think they believe me and I don't blame them

[Epicene]

It sounds like there's a real lack of communication between everyone involved in your care. I can understand how that would make you feel desperate and left wanting further support.

It sounds like the key issue is managing your eating. Do you think you could share this in more detail the next time you see a doctor? Your uni support might also be able to help you feel a bit more contained. It just sounds like there's a lot going on in your head that you're sealing off, particularly about your thoughts to lose weight.

[Uglyducklin]

Hugs I'm low on words but agre with Epicene. I can so relate to how traumatic itis and how nothing feels ok . Did those thing with being forced to eat the toast happen in hospital? I'm sorry I'm not making much sense but thinking of you x

[LittleCloud]

Thanks to you both. No Jessie, the toast was at home though my parents swore I just forgot to eat. Epicene I'm trying hard to let others in but it's often hard to find words to describe what is so often just smash of shame, fear and screaming so loud I'll do anything to escape. How an I show them? My doctor says there is communication but the wait between the doctor and psychiatrist seems desperately long. It's harder still that noone seems to get it so I have to explain everything. Every time I open my mouth it fills with fear and I'm drowning

[Epicene]

It does seem a long time to hear back from the psychiatrist which is why it sounded like communication wasn't great. Could you maybe have a telephone consultation with your doctor so you're not waiting so long?

I can appreciate how hard it is to open up. Have you ever tried writing things down? You seem to be quite articulate in your posts on here. Even if you just wrote about feelings of shame and anxiety, it might help them see what you're going through nd how it ties into your eating disorder. I know its scary to raise the ED because there's probably a part of you that wants to lose weight without anyone intervening, but its so much easier to try and address these urges at the outset.

[LittleCloud]

It isn't- but I'm blaming the psychiatrist who didn't really seem that bothered about me- not necessarily my doctor and not my counsellor and psychologist. It's a smallish city though and not much help is available that is specialised. I should try writing things down, but even then its nothing compared to how it actually feels inside

[LittleCloud]

Often I wonder if I show others the bad inside me than they will agree because it is true. I worry what will happen if I say it. I should because they shouldn't be around me. But if I let the bad out, bad things will happen. I get what you say Epicene- but what if they use it to hurt me and then go?

[Epicene]

I can completely understand how you feel; its taken me years to express certain things to the professionals involved in my care for fear of them seeing me negatively or bad things happening. I think the thing that helped me was to acknowledge that, actually, bad things were more likely to happen if I didn't talk and continued to harm myself. I also had to take a leap of faith that information would be used to help rather than hurt me. A lot of it felt like taking a risk but sharing little bits ag a time made it easier to build up trust.

In terms of sharing how awful you feel, maybe experiment with writing different things to convey your current emotions. I once told my psychiatrist that it felt like the awful emotions I had would kill me, even if I didn't kill myself. It was hard to say and felt a bit daft, but it showed where I was coming from. Maybe imagine you're writing to someone who has no idea about mental health issues and you're trying to help them know what its like. It might be easier than picturing your actual mental health team.

[LittleCloud]

What if I hurt more people with what I say?
Not that I've got anyone professional to tell. I feel like I can't be real. Like this isn't a problem, I'm not underweight yet. I don't purge. I've eaten so much today and feel so frightened of the scary things I've eaten today. I'm hideous and awful. A fake. A terrible lier. How can I be ill when I've eaten all day? When I've stuffed it up and probably gained what I'd lost today plus some??? I can't let these thoughts out to hurt my friends

[Epicene]

The fact that you are so extremely worried about what you have/haven't eaten is a sign that you have an eating disorder. It doesn't matter what your weight is or what you consume; that eating disorder mindset means you are not well and you do need support. If it was someone else on this board experiencing this, I'm sure you wouldn't see them as a liar or fake.

You can't hurt professionals with what you want to say - promise! They are trained, and have experience and systems in place to enable them to manage with whatever their clients may say or do. And although your friends might worry for you, chances are they would also rather cope with that than have you suffering in silence. Can you maybe try opening up more here about the things which are hard to say?

[LittleCloud]

I'll try. It's just the incessant screaming in my head. It tells me I'm dirty; bad; that I could have done it better; that I don't need- that I shouldn't. I feel vulnerable; like people can see how disgusting I am; that they know that I'm not enough. I know that others know they can get to me because I am honest and because I care. But I don't want to give these things up because they are all that I am... but with my eating I am not honest and that hurts

[LittleCloud]

I feel so foggy and numb with the meds change the psychiatrist reluctantly gave me at the hospital. My doctor sent me there because they know medication and they tried to send me back to my doctor... after pressing them they eventually doubled my aeropax but it feels awful. A week of feeling numb and dead. I feel more empty than before. I feel drugged. The other suggestion with Prozac but my next doctors appointment is two weeks away... that's the closest I could getn and I have to be smaller by then. The scales sat in the room the whole time while the psychiatrist asked me questions he may as well have read off a form. He didn't weigh me because I'm obviously not ill at all or small. Really small is what I want to be. I'm sorry. The thoughts and screaming inside are unbearable

[Epicene]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much, it sounds like you really need support right now. It's frustrating feeling passed around between professionals, especially when you have issues to clear up with them.

You did a really good job of explaining how you feel. It's understandable that it's hard to speak out when you have such low self worth. But it really is worth exploring, because you do not deserve to feel so badly about yourself. All those beliefs about you keep you trapped, but they are likely to be based on your life experiences rather than any kind of truth. Talking is the first step but it does sound like you could do with more therapeutic input to help change things.

Please try not to read too much into the doctor either. He sounds really unempathic and not too clued up on EDs. It is no reflection of your illness or whether you do/dont deserve help.

[LittleCloud]

I'm nothing though; nothing but fat and I can't lose at the moment. I called the doctors today to try move the appointment- they corrected me- the 13th so I only have to get through to Monday. Monday..... I dropped my aeropax back to the dose it was before the psychiatric worker at the hospital changed it. I couldn't sleep to 3:30 again this morning; woke at 12.... this is not living. I try to get the house clean then go to work, come home, try to catch up on the uni course I will fail because I haven't gotten any of the work in though it's done now. I feel sick- hot and cold, lightheaded; got through work but no run. I'm thinking about asking the doctor to change meds because my anxiety plagues me all day now and I want to die. They don't believe me. I know they don't

[LittleCloud]

I'm exhausted and terrified. If my doctor doesn't understand on Monday I don't know what I can do and my stupid body is exhausted constantly. I'm not me. I can't live like this. I want to die

[LittleCloud]

Tired. Dizzy.Scared. Fat. Fat. Fat. Doctors tomorrow