Dissociation

[Charmed]

Hello.. I've been struggling quite a bit recently and I was just wondering if I could possibly have some support/kind words or any advice from anyone who has experienced similar. I'm not sure what to do at the moment.

I've been dissociating a lot recently, and it's become more severe, more frequent and for longer periods of time. I've experienced dissociate for a few years, but not this bad. I'm losing quite extended period of time, becoming aware in places I don't recognize, not really understanding who I am let alone where I am. It's quite scary and I'm not sure if I can keep myself safe. Most of the time I am cycling which is worrying because frankly it's a miracle I haven't been run over or anything yet! I've been self harming while dissociated and I have also overdosed. Sometimes I become aware during the self harm/OD but often not until much later. It's happened at work, at home, with friends etc. Often I will not remember a large part of the day, even when I am at work, where I must have done something, but have no recollection.

I don't feel safe, and I don't know how to keep myself safe. I'm finding it difficult to keep a grasp on reality, where I'm not sure if I'm in the past, or if what is happening is real. Sometimes things feel kind of like a dream, like I'm floating between reality and another world/plane (I know this sounds totally ridiculous) and I often can't bring myself back. I'm struggling to make myself whole and to decipher between the past and present. I've become quite suicidal to the point where I have a plan and although unsure if I will act on it, I always know it's there. So nothing would really stop me especially when I'm dissociating.

I'm also struggling with some of the things my therapist has said. She has mentioned DID a couple of times now, I was just wondering, is it possible to dissociate without dissociating into a different personality? I always thought it was, I don't feel that I have a separate identity. But at the same time, how do I know that when I am dissociating I'm not dissociating into someone else? I'm struggling with this quite a lot and it's becoming quite confusing. I don't remember what happens and don't know what I do, so is it possible I have a separate identity?

I'm sorry this is quite long and thank you for anyone who has read this. I'm not really sure what I'm asking for, maybe just some support or hugs and advice from anyone who has any. Thank you everyone so much, I really appreciate any replies. Take care.

[Bellatrix]

I experience the same and just wanted you to know you're not alone.
Sorry I don't have much advice x

[Epicene]

I am low on words right now but I will reply to this as soon as I can. Thinking of you x

[OrchestraSystem]

First of all, well done for seeking out support, that's hard to do and we are very proud of you for doing so. We also send many hugs in your direction.

We are highly dissociative, or at least quite a high number of us are. So we do understand very much what it feels like to experience all of these unfortunately. It can be very scary and I imagine for you it must be much scarier while you're unsure of why it's happening.

DID could certainly be a possibility. If you don't remember a lot and you feel unsure of your own identity then it could be that there's an alter taking over during that time and you're just unaware of it. If that is the case then I'd look out for any comments from the people around you about the times you don't remember. They may say you acted differently or will bring up things you said/did that were out of character for you. Though even if this doesn't happen it doesn't rule out DID, alters are often extremely skilled at hiding themselves and acting like the host because it keeps them safe and doesn't draw any attention to them.

OSDD/DDNOS is also a possibility. It can present in many different ways. You can still have alters but not one/some of the other major dissociative symptoms or you might not have any alters at all.

I'd say that working on grounding techniques would be a good idea for you. Bring familiar things with you, things like small teddy bears, little sketch books or colouring books, familiar items (necklace, photograph etc). Things that are from the present are better if you struggle to know whether you're in the past or the present. For being at home, make a grounding box full of things that will touch your senses, positive things and other things that will keep you in the moment. Ours has things like hot chocolate sachets, art supplies, positive quotes, a list of good things in our life, some incense, some bells and we plan to fill it up with more things too. That's a good thing to keep at home in the room you're in most often and maybe something similar near your bed but with more comforting items in case of nightmares or flashbacks while trying to sleep.

Keep a journal (preferably offline, if DID is a possibility then alters can be more comfortable writing rather than using technology). Jot down memories and what you remember from before you dissociated, what you remember while dissociated and how you feel about it. Keep track of your moods and events, even very small details could be helpful because even a certain smell, sound or brief visual image can trigger off extreme dissociative episodes. Figuring out what triggers it will be a huge help to you as you can begin to avoid problems until you're able to cope with them or recognise them and practice mindfulness to keep yourself grounded.

If you think DID is a big possibility or even any possibility at all then we would highly recommend a book called Amongst Ourselves. It's a self-help book for DID and helps you indicate how likely DID seems and how to cope with it and gain communication with your system and so on. It's very helpful and one of the best things we've ever read regarding DID.

If you ever would like to talk to someone then you're always welcome to send us a PM. We have been working on dissociative problems for the last 5 years and even though we still aren't functioning fantastically, we are doing considerably better and have made a lot of progress just by ourselves in the last 2 years. We're happy to give any advice we possibly can or just lend a listening ear when or if you need to vent about any of the things going on in your life.

Stay safe. I hope this helps you a little bit.

Good luck,
Aimee.

[Charmed]

Thank you J and J for your support, it means a lot x

Aimee, thank you so much for your detailed reply, I really appreciate you replying and offering advice and support. I'm sorry to hear you are experiencing similar but I'm also slightly glad I'm not alone in this. Thank you for the advice on DID. I have asked those around me if they think I change personality, they said they don't think I do, that I just become spaced out and quite unresponsive... So I guess this reassured me. I just feel quite confused at the moment, I always thought I dissociated without changing personalities... but what my therapist said is really concerning and worrying me. I also wasn't aware alters could attempt to act similar to the host. Having no memory or understanding of myself is making me feel really unsettled.

Thank you for the suggestions. I have used grounding techniques in the past, but recently they seem to be failing, sometimes I can't notice that things are going hazy so it's hard to implement the techniques. Having something from the present is a really good idea thank you. I shall try writing a journal as well to see if there is a pattern or if it helps me remember what I am doing while dissociated. It would be so helpful to understand my triggers, at the moment a lot of things come as a surprise so i'm totally unprepared and have a slight breakdown! It's also makes avoiding triggers really hard, especially at work when I need to try and act normal.

Thank you so much for the suggestions and advice I really appreciate. I'm sorry to hear you have been struggling with DID for a while, but I'm really glad things seem to be getting a little better. Thank you.

[OrchestraSystem]

I'm very glad her reply was helpful to you, Charmed.

It's hopefully a good sign that you don't seem to change when you're dissociated and can't remember what happened. Maybe talk with your therapist as well, see if they've noticed any changes. When we were in therapy I know that we spoke through Kimi a lot and our therapist could tell when different opinions and feelings were showing through even when we couldn't. So it may be worth finding out if anything like that is happening just to double check. Hopefully it's not as complex as DID for you, we know it can be extremely scary and hard for some to manage, so I hope it's a less extreme dissociation for you.

I hope grounding with something from the present works for you, it can be very helpful for us and I know it helps other people too. Another cool thing for grounding is something called a Tangle. It's actually a stim toy for people with autism but we've also noticed it's very good for grounding when we're dissociated and it can help a lot with anxiety, too. They're fairly cheap and you can get them on Amazon and Ebay really easily.

Ugh, triggers coming out of no where absolutely sucks. Hopefully if you begin to identify them you can start working with your therapist on desensitising you to them more and learning to cope with them. Triggers are probably one of the things we struggle the most with and we're still fairly bad at grounding afterwards in most cases and we're fantastic at forgetting our grounding things when we're out of the house. I hope figuring things out n getting grounding objects will work out for you and hopefull you won't forget as often as we do haha.

Also thank you for the kind comments. I'd say we're coping fairly well with DID stuff, the trauma stuff is generally the worst part that we struggle a lot with sadly, but we're getting there slowly. We switch a lot and lose a lot of time but we're coping and it seems to be one of the easier things to deal with in some ways.

Good luck to you! Keep us updated and take care.

Nik.

[Charmed]

I'm sorry it's taken me a while to reply and I'm really sorry for bumping this again... I'm kind of struggling and I don't know where else to go... I'm sorry.

Thank you for your reply Nik, it was really helpful and I really appreciate it. My therapist said she didn't notice any changes and I explained my views on dissociation and DID and she did some research and she no longer things I have DID. Although she said it could develop over time. But I guess I'm relieved a little at the moment.

The tangle sounds brilliant I'm glad it was helpful for you. A friend bought me a kind of toy puzzzle thing which helps keep me distracted from various thoughts and memories which is helpful. Grounding techniques I've figured seem to be working less and less, they never worked particularly well in the first place, but now everything has fallen apart.

My therapist no longer thinks I'm safe. I don't think I'm safe either but I can't let her think that. I very nearly attempted suicide on Wednesday while dissociated, I don't know how I came aware or why, and I wish I hadn't. It would have been easier. I'm struggling to keep my thoughts together and everything is a big mess, I don't know how to convince my therapist and others that I'm safe. I can't go back to where I was. I need everyone to think I'm fine. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry this is awful. I'm really sorry.

[Epicene]

Sorry if this message is a bit disjointed, I wanted to reply to you properly but head is a bit all over the place. It sounds like you're struggling with a couple of main things; understanding the dissociation and keeping safe.

In terms of understanding the dissociation, I know how hard it can be. As you're the type of person that likes to make sense of things it can be really frightening to feel out of control. I have experienced very similar things to you in terms of losing time, memories and staying connected to things. It's probably not very reassuring, but travel whilst dissociated is quite a common presentation. It isn't necessarily a sign of DID, and I'm pleased that your therapist has got back to you about this. You can absolutely have dissociative symptoms without having DID so I hope you can stop worrying about that quite so much.

From the pieces I've gathered from here and your R/V, it sounds like past trauma is causing you a lot of difficulty and reliving those things are likely to increase your dissociative symptoms. If trauma is something you are working on in therapy, it may be that this is just not the right time to safely do that sort of work. It would be very challenging to focus on those kind of things until you have learned to effectively use grounding techniques or feel a bit more contained.

Right now it sounds like you are at real risk of hurting yourself seriously or ending you life. I for one am very relieved that you have so far come round from dissociating and noticed when these things are happening. I don't think you need to convince others you are safe; I think you need to reach out and admit that you are struggling with your safety. If you are becoming increasingly suicidal at times when you are not dissociated, you need to let people be there for you and help. As your therapist already thinks you are at risk, could you get in touch with her and tell her that she is right?

In the meantime, do what you can to safeguard yourself. If you ride your bike to places where you'll be unsafe, maybe get a combination lock and set the numbers to something hard to remember by heart (so you'd have to look on your phone or something to find it). If you have medication you don't need, or anything you use just to self-harm, get rid of it. Basically try to make it hard for your dissociated self to hurt yourself. It is also important to try and set up safe spaces too, somewhere that you can go when you're feeling disconnected that is associated with compassion and warmth and coziness. Even if it's literally one square of your room that has lots of cushions or beanbags or fairy lights, giving yourself somewhere safe can take some of the pressure off knowing what to do, because all you literally need is to go there and stay put.

If you want to PM me or text you are welcome to. I do know what you're going through and hear to listen.

[Charmed]

Thank you so much for your reply J, you really didn't need to, but I really appreciate it, I hope you're okay xx

Thank you, that was really reassuring, I'm sorry to hear you have experiences similar though, but it's really helpful to hear that I'm not totally alone and others experience this too. And thank you for the reassurance regarding DID.

I feel like I need to work on the trauma in order to be a 'normal' human. But honestly we haven't even really talked about the trauma, at the moment it's more just managing the consequences which isn't going too well either.

I'm scared about what will happen if I tell her I'm not safe. I can't go back into hospital again, and my mother doesn't really know what's going on at the moment. And I don't want to let anymore people down. And I guess part of me doesn't really want to be safe anyway. I'm sorry to be so depressing and unhelpful. I've removed all the things from my room and given them to a friend to help keep myself safe, which I think is positive. I've bought stuff while dissociated but I don't really know how to stop that right now.

I'm trying to reach out to a friend and tell her I feel quite suicidal, but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to worry her and I already take up all her effort and time. I need to learn to cope by myself. I'm sorry this all probably doesn't make much sense. I'm just struggling quite a lot.

Thank you so much for your replies I'm sorry.

[OrchestraSystem]

I'm sorry ur struggling so much right now, try to keep urself as safe as u can and focus on taking care of urself if u can do. I know ur scared and ur at risk right now but I hope things will turn out ok for u if u keep fighting on =]

I also wanted to add that ur therapist saying u could develop DID later on is wrong. U need to develop DID before the age of 10 according to all of the research. If u experienced further trauma it could develop into DDNOS/OSDD at the most but I don't think DID would be possible by this point. Hopefully that will help take some stress off ur shoulders. Unless u already have DID there's pretty much no chance of u having it later on in life. So try not to worry about that, ok? =]

Offering u hugs and happy thoughts if u want them.

Will keep u in my thoughts.

Josh.