I feel like I'm slipping.

[lord of luck]

So many things are going wrong right now. If my meds are helping at all i cant tell. i'm starting to get depressed on and off again whereas before they had evened me out a bit. my anxiety is still high (ill get attacks where im stuck in whatever position im in because i'm literally scared out of my mind of moving for some reason) and I'm still getting panic attacks about showering, etc that i had before. new symptoms/issues would be stopping eating due to stress followed by one of the positive mood swings bringing on a binge and then flip flopping. my weight due to that has sort of been all over the place.
I saw a hallucination this past week, for the first time since may when i saw a demon (still not quite believing that was a hallucination). my boss found out that i sh and knows about the hallucination as well as a dissociative episode i had at work last week that was so bad i had to go to the back and recover before i could act "normal" again.
i dont know what to do, i have a meeting on friday with my boss and he knows i showed up late for work yesterday and got written up for it and i know there'll be disciplinary action come friday. im scared of being demoted as what im making right now barely covers bills and i was negative last month. i dont know how to continue like this. my mental health is going down and i cant fully do my job. not to the requirement it needs. im applying for other positions elsewhere but im scared that my mh will get in the way there too. i cant tell my mom more than i have as shes not supportive of even my antidepressants let alone seeing that my mh is actually effecting my productivity. i promise im not just lazy. something else is going on. i dont know what to do. any advice?

[keep_it_together]

What country are you in?

In the UK I think employers are required to make accommodations for those with disabilities which includes mental illness.

Maybe check out the local employment law where you are and see if you can arm yourself for a defence on Friday.

It might also be worth telling your doctor about your anxiety, panic attacks and hallucinations to see if they recommend any further medication to help. Your mum doesn't really have to know if you don't think she'll be receptive to the idea of further medication. Don't let her prejudices stop you from getting help!

[lord of luck]

I'm in the US and there's a lot less in the way of help with med care and i'm not sure who i should really talk to about friday. today work went ok but it had undertones of people just hating working with me and i couldnt tell whether it was in my head or actually happening. its so pathetic that its this hard to go to work and get paid, etc. its annoying.
thats all :/

[crazykat]

I agree with talking to someone like your GP about what your experiencing. It sounds like it is having a significant effect on your life right now and could do with the extra support.

[lord of luck]

seeing psych tomorrow for the first time. scared. last night i realized that eating is actually an issue after a major breakdown from doing it. i remembered something from childhood i had blocked. im scared.

[crazykat]

Good luck with seeing the psych. Let us know how you go.

[lord of luck]

she says i have a mood disorder and an anxiety disorder
and wants to draw blood in two weeks when i see her which is sort of a trigger thing but ill make it. mebe shell let me prick cuz that parts always the worst.

im a bit scared of the whole thing, i told my mom a LOT about my mental health today and im really scared of all the questions she ahs . afraid she'll be upset or scared or both. idk. sorry for wasting space on a thread.

[crazykat]

Your not wasting space, this place is here for you to use and come for support when you need it. How do you feel about the diagnosis?

Your mum may be upset or scared but try and remember that is likely just to be her way of being able to process it all.

[lord of luck]

thanks for the support, its incredibly helpful right now <3

im a bit scared because theres no further label yet besides mood disorder... i want to know what type etc now that i know she actually believes theres something wrong. then there's the part of me thats second guessing and assuming that i didnt give her enough/the right information or didnt make enough sense. i did sort of jump all over the place while talking to her. i do that when nervous i guess, lol. the anxiety disorder i didnt mind. knowing that i have a valid reason to be scared a lot of the time is helpful, as well as knowing that she gave me meds to help with it (although i'm looking to start that tomorrow, not today.)

sorry. once again this is sort of random and has no reason. i guess just an update. im scared of her drawing blood in two weeks. dont know what she'll do with it/what it'll come up with.

[lord of luck]

yeh i might mention it. i need to email her, i keep coming up with excuses to not.

[Kamic]

Hi,
I'm sorry to hear things are tough for you, I hope your psych can help with some ideas for support and treatment that can keep you on track at work. It must be very scary to think you might not be able to keep your position. I can't imagine what I would do if I was in your shoes. I know having blood taken can be scary, and obviously as you said it is difficult for you, but I'm sure its for a good reason.
I'll be thinking of you.

[edwardcejka]

I agree with above suggestion. You are passing through a hard time of life but don't be scared and don't lose hope. It is difficult but you have to do it for better future. Take care.

[lord of luck]

i changed my profile name and have distanced myself from a lot of people both on here and in real life. the feelings i was finding inside htem all were just proving to be too much and making me into a ghost. im seeing the psych tomorrow.