Am I doing the right thing?

[Chris197440]

Hi, I'm new to this, and wondered if there was anyone here who would like to share an opinion or advise on this....

Last June a separated from my partner of ten years. Partly because there was a lot of things that weren't right in the relationship, and partly because I met and fell in Love with someone else. I have been with this other person since then, love her completely, and want to spend the rest of my life with her...

My ex partner had a son who was nearly two when I met her, and, after ten years, I am his dad and he my son as a result. When I left, I swore that he would come first, and I would be committed to co parenting him outside of the relationship. I have rented a house near to where he lives, and see him once every week and every other weekend. I have always kept him separate from my new partner, don't mention her, and they have never met.

When I am not seeing my son at my rented house, I live with my new partner at her house. I only spend days at my rented house with my son. This has worked until now.

The problem is, I feel like spending these blocks of time away from my partner, in an attempt to keep her and he separate, so as not to upset him, is getting increasingly difficult, and this is stopping us from planning a future together. We cannot get a house together as I cannot afford to do both. Time spent apart, feeling as though I have two lives is becoming impossible.

Im scared of losing the woman I love over this, but don't want to cause any more upset with my ex or step son by telling them I will not keep renting the house and he will have to accept that I am with someone else, and he needs to be part of this. Leaving my ex was , understandably, extremely upsetting for my step son, who's own dad left when he was nearly one and has not seen him or been in contact since.

I don't know where to go from here, and it's making me so unhappy...any advice would be so welcome.

thank you for taking the time to read this.

[Unbreakable.]

I think you need to try letting your son know.

Are there any family counselling services where you live? They might be able to provide some advice and support.
Maybe consider discussing this with your ex partner too.

[Chris197440]

Thank you for your advice.

I feel like any decisions that are made between me and my son have to be made through my ex. I think this is part of the problem. My current partner feels like I make decisions based on what my ex says regardless of what she thinks and what we discuss. We discuss one thing with regards to my son, and then I then act based on what my ex feels is best.

I don't feel like I can talk to my son without getting permission and running by what I'm going to talk about with my ex first.

[Chris197440]

I'm so scared of being seen to be doing the worng thing by my son, in my ex's eyes, that everything is done based on that....

[leanne-k]

Maybe when you have been with your partner for a year you could tell your son? It may be best to tell your ex that you intend to do this in June and that you want to come up with a plan together on how you are going to tell him. I do think that your new partner and son need to build a relationship (if possible) before you move in with her to prevent your son from feeling left out and confused. I hope everything works out for the best x

[Chris197440]

Thank you for the advice. Yes that does sound reasonable. I didn't know whether it was best for him to meet her before something like that though, maybe at my families house, where he is also with people he knows, including my nephew of a similar age?

[leanne-k]

I guess it would be better for your son to meet your partner somewhere where he knows other people. I would just let your ex know that they will be meeting too.

[Margo]

Chris,

Bit late to this but I thought I'd give my opinion.

Reading between the lines I feel you are making decisions based equally between not upsetting your son and not pissing off your ex for fear she will stop you seeing him.

My mother married 3 times so I know what it's like when someone new appears. I was 5 and 11 when new "dads" appeared.

If your ex has your sons best in mind then she will see how important it is for him to see and have his dad. She will also see that you have to move on and get on with your life as much as she does.

My advice would be to tell your son there is a friend you would like him to meet. I would arrange to go somewhere neautral with him and have her meet you there. This will be a little less stressful for him than the two of you meeting him. It will also make him feel like you are still putting him first. Introduce her as your friend and have a nice time and let her meet him. Don't do the relationship thing, just be friends.

I am sure he will love the you and him times like I used to when I saw my dad and so introducing someone new into the equation is going to be odd for you all.

Mix it up a little at first having your partner there on some but not all the visits. Still have the son and dad thing you have and take it from there. If he asks is she your girlfriend then maybe you could say you're not sure. Ask him if he likes her. You could just say yes and see what happens. Kids are pretty matter of fact about a lot of things.

Just don't lie to him. Don't hide her. Don't live your life in fear because ultimately it will affect you and your happiness will go and kids pick up on that.

It's not easy.

Good luck

Matthew