Dissociative Identity Disorder

[Epicene]

Hi guys

I don't really know what I'm asking and I'll probably wind up deleting this because I'm so all over the place with this and don't know where to begin. It's looking like I've a possible DID diagnosis in addition to the joys of borderline, PTSD etc. It's a lot to take in and I guess I'm looking for support. I feel very alone with it. I'm sort of scared but at the same time trying to feel hopeful that this will help me move forwards. I don't know.

Thanks to anyone who reads

[Pi.R^2]

If you've been struggling with dissociative symptoms for some time, it may well prove helpful both in your treatment and in your own understanding to have a name for what has been troubling you, though I can understand it's a lot to take in.

Have the people suggesting the diagnosis also suggested what the best treatment and support might be?

[Arienette]

This is a difficult diagnosis to swallow but with the right support and treatment you can become more integrated and your symptoms more manageable. I originally received this diagnosis and I underwent schema therapy to help with my symptoms and although it didn't cure everything I stopped switching so much. Now my alter is a part of my full identity and psyche that has made me who I am and it can be hard work to contain and soothe but I've learnt to contain and soothe which helps prevent switching and crises.

So it can get better.

X

[sherlock holmes]

I'm sorry I don't have any experience in this area, just wanted to offer some hugs. My inbox is always open if you want to talk, Jay.

[Cedrus]

Am thinking of you also. Hopefully with the diagnosis they can make sure you get the right help. I know you can stay strong :)

[Horizon]

DID can be a lot to take in. I was diagnosed in late 2007, and even now I still have a difficult time with the reality of it. I am now seeing a specialist in the field and the work of therapy is difficult, intense, and can take a long time, but certain symptoms can improve.

Anyway, you're not alone, even though it certainly must feel like it. If you have questions or feel like talking, you are more than welcome to PM me.

[Epicene]

Thank you all so so much for the support and sharing of experiences. I will reply properly later as I'm having a respite admission so only got mobile. Hoping admission will help give me a safe space to process some of all this.

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

Sending you lots of love J <3

[Absynnthe]

Also sending you love. ^-^ You can handle this!

[Pi.R^2]

I hope the respite admission is helpful for you and that it helps you process this.

[Epicene]

Thank you so much everyone, I appreciate your support so much.

I'm tapped in with the local personality disorder service and am having therapy that should, in theory anyway, enable me to work on the DID stuff. Particularly helping me to understand things and accept them, even if that doesn't translate as action right away.

The respite admission was quite helpful at the time, gave me a chance to gather my thoughts and kept me safe. I'm struggling a lot with urges to self-harm severely now though. I'm trying so very hard not to because I want to remain safe enough for therapy. It's so frustrating because I want to move forwards and the DID diagnosis is a way of making sense of things and paving that way forward...but it also comes with so many triggers and confusion. I don't want to hurt myself for so many reasons and yet something keeps compelling me to and I genuinely have NO idea what needs to change or what that thing is. Having the urges is actually making me feel totally desperate and suicidal, I just want functionality (not even normality) and the diagnoses just keep on coming.

Sorry for the rant.

[Aubergine]

Hey there. *hug*


I'm really glad that the respite admission was helpful for you, but I am sorry that you're still struggling with self-harm urges.


I don't have any experience of DID, so can't really offer any insight there, but I do understand how upsetting it can be to receive a diagnosis when you so want things to be functional.

I guess, for me, though my diagnosis (schizoaffective) felt like a massive blow at the time (and still does at times), it did go some way to explaining what was happening with me and enabled me to access the right therapy/medication to help me to move forward. It sounds like you're getting some decent therapy, and that's great, but now perhaps they'll be able to tailor it to suit your needs a bit better.


Self-harm urges sound incredibly intense and difficult to deal with. Would it help to write down the reasons not to? It's good to have the reasons in your head, but it can be more helpful to have them in black and white. You could talk about them here, if that would help?


I don't know how long you've been struggling with this, but with me, time has been a great healer (such a cliche, I know...) I mean that, though things are still sometimes really hard, I've learnt to manage the condition a lot more successfully that I have done in the past. An example being that before August last year, I'd been out of hospital for three years after a time of being in and out quite frequently. I'm able to work, socialise and be happy. I'm not saying that it's easy, and I guess (but please forgive me if I'm wrong because I'm not an expert on these things) that with personality difficulties and things that are more ingrained and trauma based, it's a different road to recovery, but the potential for a positive outcome is there.


You're a great person, Epicene. Friendly, personable, lovely to be around. I really hope that you find some peace with all of this. Keep talking. *hug*

[Arienette]

I don't want to hurt myself for so many reasons and yet something keeps compelling me to

I get this. I've been through this a lot. And it's horrrible but eventually when you learn to listen to your inner self and nurture them you can work together on functioning more. Feel free to pm me if you like. X

[Aardbei]

How are you doing today J? I'm thinking of you. I don't have any experience of DID myself but I do hope it will begin to pave the way towards a more maintainable recovery. Like Aubergine said, would writing things down help clarify things and reduce the urges? Can you get yourself out of the house or immerse yourself in a film/game/book?

[Epicene]

Thank you for your kind words Aubergine. It is reassuring too to hear that the frightening impact of diagnosis can ease over time. I guess at the moment I feel like I'm still reeling from it all. I am trying to see it as a vehicle for understanding things better but it's hard at the moment, partly made more difficult by my psychologist being on leave.

Arienette, thank you for sharing your experience and offer of PMing. How did you learn to listen and nurture yourself, if you don't mind me asking? I just have so much self blame and hatred that nurturing sounds really tough.

Aardbei, thanks for the suggestions. I did spend some time writing out reasons not to self harm, but unfortunately yesterday I did wind up doing it. Very frustrated and still experiencing urges, so I'm going to do the brave thing and reach out for help. Don't want a repeat of yesterday! I can't even describe how I feel, just quite lost and conflicted.

[Arienette]

I managed it through using the therapy they offered me. Prior to therapy it was impossible but through therapy and the care shown by my therapist I managed to learn that I'm valuable and I have a voice and not to ignore any parts.

My little used to be very hostile and angry and suicidal but since addressing that now a lot of the time she just wants to play and it's my job to not neglect that part of me further because I have to nurture myself so I will invest some time in playing for example whereas before there had been little kindness and care in my life so I had no one to learn from but my therapist taught me a lot.

X

[Charmed]

Hi J, I'm glad you reached out for help and I hope the respite admission helps you deal with some of the things you are experiencing. How are you feeling at the moment?

I'm not sure of how much use I can be, as I'm not sure DID quite fits with me, but I can understand how incredibly scary and daunting this can be. When DID was discussed with me, it really through me off and I did find it quite difficult to process. But I agree with others that having space o be open and talk about this with your therapist can be really helpful. Is there anything you are struggling with in particular with the diagnosis?

I can imagine your psychologist being on leave is quite difficult, do you think when they are back being able to discuss everything with them would help? Going slowly and being gentle with yourself is really important.

Take care of yourself.

[OrchestraSystem]

Hiya.

DID is pretty hard to wrap ur head around n it's a lot to take in at first but if u have the right support n info then it gets way easier n u will be able to manage it better

We were diagnosed in 2011 and are functioning much better since learning more about it, talking to people who have it too n having a good support system of friends (some with DID themselves).

If u ever need or want to talk u can drop us a message and we will always reply as soon as we can

U can do this! Keep ur head up n u will get thru it.

Fox.

[Epicene]

Arienette, thank you for sharing more about your experience, that's really helpful to hear. I think at the moment I have a pretty limited understanding of how I would nurture different parts but I'm hopeful that therapy will help.

Charmed, thanks for your reply. I'm feeling pretty exhausted at the moment. I do think once my psychologist is back and I have an appointment it will help clear my head a bit. I know my CMHT is there if I need it but it's hard to explore things with anyone else because I feel like they don't know the full story. I'm not sure what it is about the diagnosis that's so overwhelming. Part of it is feeling deflated that I have potentially yet another diagnosis, and worrying about how that reflects on me (i.e. being even 'crazier'). Part of it is not knowing exactly how I can act on the information. For example, how do I integrate parts and memories? Do I even want to do that? How do I present my 'main' identity? It feels like I need to make decisions and everyone says to take it slowly and that it's a process but it does feel like there's pressure to understand it and make decisions.

Thank you also Sparklenoot for your support and being available to PM. I felt quite lonely with this before posting and although it's sad to hear others also struggle with it, I do feel less alone knowing there are others out there going through the same.

[Arienette]

Have there been discussion of treatment and therapy? Have they discussed what type or what might be on offer and helpful to you?

Are you NHS or private? I have had a few difficulties with the nhs in regards to understanding dissociation and dissociative episodes, but I have found support workers especially, in college and through one housing to be extremely helpful in talking, listening and trying to help me understand my experiences.

For example, I had a few episodes of drawing on the walls a lot when I was dissociated. I didn't understand it, but it was at a time when I had a strong little voice going on, crying, screaming, being angry and volatile and I was finding her hard to contain.

When I spoke with my support worker, she pointed out that children often draw on the walls, especially when they're acting out. From that I felt less scared and was able to allow her to vent, and do activities that help me channel that energy such as exercise.

I'm not sure if it goes away, but it is possible to manage better.

xx

[Charmed]

I can understand you not wishing to talk to anyone besides your therapist, it can be difficult to have to re explain things. Do you know how long you will need to wait to see your therapist?

It's understandable you wouldn't want 'another' diagnosis. But the number of diagnosis you have shouldn't define you. It's incredible how far you have come and how strong you are considering what you have been through, and often diagnosis are highly intertwined and related (as you know!). Perhaps try not to look at it as a 'number', numbers are irrelevant, labeling can making everything much more difficult.

There is absolutely no pressure, you need to take this as fast or slow as you want and take as much time as you need. No one would expect you to go through this quickly. How do you feel about taking it slowly?

[I'm sorry I'm not much more help, but I'm always here if you want to talk/rant].

Take care.

[Epicene]

Sorry its taken me so long to reply. I've been majorly struggling to get my head around all this which has made it hard to reply.

Arienette, your example fits quite a lot with my experience particularly regarding voices. I am in NHS services, a specialist PD service. I think that's the most suitable place anyway as DID can be seen as an offshoot of BPD. Unfortunately my psychiatrist is off though and so far have only seen locums that don't get it. My therapist is more validating though.

Thank you for your kind words Charmed. I guess I have to accept all this is a slow process but it is hard. I'm beginning to feel quite trapped with it and its contributing to making me feel quite suicidal. I guess that's for a different thread though, if I can get my head together enough to make one.

[Charmed]

I'm sorry you're struggling at the moment J, it sounds like things are quite difficult. I'm glad your therapist is a little better, are they helping you to come to terms with everything?

Can you reach out to anyone regarding your suicidal thoughts? Are there ways to keep yourself safe? For example talking to your therapist, or those around you. And you can post wherever you want to, it doesn't matter whether it's in this thread or another.

Sorry I'm a little low on words and advice, but I'm here (literally) if you ever want to talk or take your mind off things xx

[Absynnthe]

Low on words but sending as much love and support as we can muster from here. <3

[strawberry-fox]

Apologies for not being able to properly read through all the replies you made because of dissociation but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I to have DID, BPD, and PTSD and know how hard it can be. If you need anyone to talk to we are here and always open. DID especially can be a really difficult disorder to take in as yourself having. I wish you the best.

[Epicene]

I just wanted to bump this and update.

I've been talking quite openly with my therapist about how bad I feel, but also taking steps to make me safer (like getting rid of stashes of pills etc). So I've been feeling a bit more supported in that regard.

I was feeling quite frustrated though as DID hasn't been the priority in therapy but I've only recently had locum psychiatrists that I can't properly open up to about this. But today I saw my GP and he's writing to the consultant at my CMHT to take me on whilst mine is away, and for them to do a diagnostic assessment where the DID is concerned. so that's scary, but good.

[Aubergine]

I'm glad you bumped and updated. :)


Really well done on talking to your therapist about how unsafe you're feeling, and for taking pro-active steps to keep yourself safe. That's a really, really positive thing to be doing and you deserve to be very proud of yourself. :)


That is scary but good. Sometimes those things can go hand in hand! Having come continuity with psychiatrist could be really positive, and getting formal assessment should go some way to getting you the correct support with regards to the DID.


You're doing so, so well.

[Arienette]

I think you did the right thing in raising the issue, because it won't heal itself and needs to be addressed. Although it isn't really the area of psychiatry - it is a psychological issue, and a psychiatrist can't do very much about a dissociative disorder with medications. It is out of their field of expertise you could say.

Ideally, long term therapy with a trusted therapist is where the healing can be done.

xx

[Epicene]

Thank you very much both. It's reassuring to hear that people think I'm doing well/doing the right thing.

Arienette, I know that there isn't psychiatric treatment per se, it's more that I want to talk it over someone diagnostically in the first instance. I am having therapy where identity issues can be raised, it's more that I'd like to get a diagnosis if possible as I think it would help me make sense of things differently.

[sherlock holmes]

I thought you already had the diagnosis of DID? Or was it raised as a possibility and you'd like to get clarification?

[Epicene]

Raised as a likelihood by my psychologist (and confirmed by my camhs psychologist), but not formally noted alongside my other diagnoses where psychiatry is concerned. if that makes sense.

[Arienette]

An official diagnosis of DID can be very unhelpful due to a lot of misunderstanding, and stigma and a lot of mental health professionals not believing it even exists.

When diagnosing me they were very careful and tried to keep me contained within specific professionals because of the above, however, that didn't happen and getting other doctors to understand and not be a*holes to me, and about my difficulties.

It can also cause difficulties with funding for treatment, etc. better to go with symptoms than a diagnosis like DID because of that stuff. X

[Epicene]

I have a good team around me and I have faith that all involved would come to a useful and shared understanding about any of my difficulties. I do see your point though, although it's similar for BPD and that's been contained well for me.

Maybe I'm not explaining my rationale very well for wanting to speak to someone about it specifically. It's basically just that it's a lot to handle and there are so many issues tied up in it, I want a chance to straighten my head out by having a proper dialogue about it.

[sherlock holmes]

I understand you now J, and the rationale behind it. I would be the same in your situation. I hope you get the see the new consultant soon!

[Arienette]

Does your therapist not let you have a proper dialogue about it?

Have you heard of schema therapy? That's where I managed to address issues and have an open discussion about it in order to understand it. Has that therapy ever been mentioned for you? X

[Epicene]

My therapist and I have had brief discussions about it, mostly in relation to other identity problems. Part of the reason for that is that there have always been bigger priorities to address like me going back to work or self harm. Though now its becoming an increasingly large issue so I will raise it again.

I have heard of schema therapy and like the sound of it. Unfortunately my therapist doesn't do it, and I have such a good relationship with her I'd rather keep her and do other therapy.