Seeing your support team when you are not ready for recovery?

[LittleCloud]

I've been seeing my counsellor and dietitian for around a year now and see my doctor as needed. I've had blood tests to check my bloods for nutrients while I've been restricting and done all that jazz but stopped that because they were just coming back ok.
I got a new referral to see my counsellor again this year but I don't really know what to do. I am desperate to lose at least a few more kg and know noone in my support team supports this. I feel pathetic because of the rate at which I'm losing weight but have also struggled a lot with depression and anxiety. I guess the point and the question is do I keep seeing my counsellor and dietitian?
I feel like they must see me as a waste of time as no matter what we talk about and however many small tweeks I make to my meal plan I am not ready to recover and flatly refuse to gain weight when I am not technically underweight. Has anyone else been in this situation with an ED or otherwise?
I hope it's ok to post in MH as I just wanted a wider perspective

[m.allen]

I know from personal experience that sometimes you just have to make that leap of faith and trust these professionals, I think you should consider doing that.
If they think you should gain more weight, then I think you should do it.

As a side note - I'm not sure what you are struggling with, but it sounds like an eating disorder. Again, if this is the case, I'm not sure what your disorder could be emanating from, but IF it is because you want to be attractive, I can assure you from a male perspective that I am attracted to healthy girls, NOT really skinny girls (and I bet a lot of guys would agree with me). Eating well and working out is the best thing you could do for your body & mind, and ultimately, the best way you can look too. I would trust the dietician in this, that they know what they are talking about. And please IF this is why you are having issues, please trust me in that you will look better and feel better by eating a lot of healthy food and working out, not by starving yourself.

sorry if that isn't what youre actually concerned about or if I'm way out of line, but that is my 2 cents.
All the best, hope you feel better!

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

Alanna, If you're not willing to cooperate with your MH team, what more do you want from them? They aren't going to support destructive behavior, no matter how you dress it up. They are there to help you heal, not dive further into your ED.

In my experience, when I wasn't ready to even manage my medication properly, my CPN sat me down & said quite frankly to me 'If you aren't willing to even take your medication as it should be taken, what more can we do? We can't force you to take better care for yourself. You have to meet us halfway.' She then explained to me that the CMHT are a resource many don't have the opportunity to use & if I wasn't willing to meet them halfway, they'd have to either section or discharge me.

Have you thought of ways you could use your team more appropriately, rather than just bashing against them?, Do you think therapy is useful in helping you explore different ways of coping? & the dietician, is she helpful in anyway?, only you can decide whether you want to continue seeing them but is there someway you can meet them halfway?

x x x

[Cryptic.]

I agree 100% with Hel, rather than bashing against your team, it would be much better to try and meet them halfway.

To be frank with you, there are some people who don't even have help or support, or people who have no hope of getting better because there is no recovery, but you could take control back of your life and recover but only if you cooperate with your team.

Over the years, my own team have said there is nothing they can do for me if I don't cooperate, as Hel said, they either section you or discharge you if you refuse to cooperate with them, it is actually amazing you have support and a team, some people don't, try and work with them, what have you got to lose, really?

You either try and work with them, or they'll discharge you eventually... which is something you don't want, because it'll be then when you realize how lucky you were to have such support in place, and you'll have no support at all if you continue refusing help and not even meeting halfway to get help you need.

xx

[ParanormalChickenGeek]

Even those who aren't sure they want to recover deserve support. Obviously they won't be happy for you to continue losing weight, but they can support you in exploring why you want to continue restricting, and hopefully help you to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
You deserve support and you deserve to be kinder to yourself.
Please get help. X

[Cryptic.]

Me and Helen never once said she doesn't deserve support. Simply trying to encourage her to at least meet her team halfway rather than continue to fight against them actually.

[sherlock holmes]

I know what it's like to not want to recover, but to have CMHT (and hospital) input. It's like a continual battle, they tell you what to do and you refuse and it goes around and around in circles.

It's draining for everyone. And personally, after a few years of this dancing about, I was fed up of it. My CMHT were telling me to engage or I'd be discharged if they couldn't help me. And I realised that I did want their help, but that it felt really scary to recover.

I guess you've got to decide what you want- to be discharged and left, or to actually work with your team and not against them? You wont be expected to change overnight. But you could pick one aspect of your care, even if a really small thing, and co-operate with it. Small, baby steps.

[ParanormalChickenGeek]

Me and Helen never once said she doesn't deserve support. Simply trying to encourage her to at least meet her team halfway rather than continue to fight against them actually.

Oh no I'm not saying anyone has, I'm trying to explain to Alanna that she deserves support even if she doesn't want to recover right now, which I don't think she believes. My post was directed at her entirely.

[LittleCloud]

Thanks guys. M.allen- I am trying to trust my dietitain, but struggle terribly with days I don't trust myself. It's not at all about looking attractive for me but thanks. I'm trying so hard with the trust.
Cryptic, Helen. I get you and I talked to my dietitian about this last visit because I said I felt I was wasting her time. We agreed I have come a long way in the last year- I eat more regularly, small meals and a lot more variety. I'm even tackling some major fears- I had doughnuts for the first time in two years- and while she's not happy with the calorie count I keep which I never used to, I'm using it also to make sure I eat the minimum of what my body needs in a day. There are benefits I've made and I do try to take on suggestions to balance my diet so I am doing something.
My counsellor I am less sure with. We've worked through a lot, but the eating thing just seems to sit there. I really can't handle having my control taken away and I'm really too fat to have these thoughts and problems anyway. I feel hopeless- I've been dealing with these problems near 16 years now and it makes it worse that I know I'm not really sick so I think I shouldn't get the support. I don't really know. I have a referral for 6 appointments
I finished at the end of last year the sessions I'd gained for an assault and while I do find appointments helpful with anxiety and depression I'm also afraid that this will last longer than I have support as well as that my counsellor and others will be disappointed if I keep losing which I need to do. I'm thinking (because I start study again soon) to take appointment back to monthly and top these up with appointments with the uni counsellor if I need. I just feel like such a hopeless waste of space and I should be able to cope like everyone else

[Unbreakable.]

Have you considered this from the point of view that professional input might increase your chances to get to the point of feeling ready for recovery?
Maybe you need to focus on finding things that would make recovery easier rather than harder.

From the people I've seen completely recover from their ED most of them didn't feel ready for recovery until they were at a certain point in recovery. For example they gained weight way before they felt comfortable with it, but gaining that weight was all they could do to stop being scared of it. Undereating damages your self image and affects your cognition. Only when the damage is repaired your brain manages to start healing.

So, if you would wait until you're ready to recover chances are you will never get there and always be unwell.
If you are willing to take a chance and push yourself past what you are comfortable with your chances to get well are really good.

[LittleCloud]

Thanks- I think that's what's kept me going to appointments and I know for me my work and the guys I work with are so important that I need to keep going to be able to work with them. I do still want to lose, and I know how wrong that . I wish I could get to my real goal- I can't describe how deeply it feels I am a fraud for never having got there but I can't lose my partner and my guys. How can I say that to my counsellor that I won't stop losing and I feel like lately I am doing more and more to lose? I feel like they won't want to see me because I just keep going with this stuff I shouldn't despite the changes I have made

[LittleCloud]

Ok so I think I have a plan. I don't feel great about it because I hate failing people and I feel like by not being able to maintain my weight I am failing but I am going to make an appointment to see my psychologist once a month. I am going to back this up with once a month (so one a fortnight) visits to a counsellor at the university to spread my appointments out but use them as needed. I have no idea where I'll be in 6months time when I run out of psychologist appointments but I'll see then. I also see my dietitian once a month. We talked last appointment about the fact that I am still actively trying to lose weight and agreed to disagree for now and instead focus on getting my intake of particular food groups- protein and carbohydrates- higher. I also have a minimum calories for the day and am trying my hardest not to go below as I know my body needs this fuel to run.
I kind of feel ok with this plan. I'm also going to try get my running in the mornings happening and maybe a walk in the afternoons when I don't have other sports/activities on because my mood has dropped so much and my anxiety has been so much higher not doing them. I'm very much not ready for recovery but I am trying to get my mind ready to up my calories to maintain when I reach my goal as I know I need to maintain at that weight to be functional for my partner, my work and all the things I love best. I know there are some big faults here- namely that I am still trying to lose weight but I've made this plan for damage control. Do others do this when they want to set a limit on harmful behaviours?
I'm sorry to ramble but am trying so hard to find my feet again after a few weeks feeling very lost.