So

[Margo]

So let's just say I took an overdose. Then I self harmed. The. I did it some more and now in back at the level I was 7 years ago.

I'm being assessed by the access team tomorrow. I feel a fake and a fraud. I'm so much better than I was.

I told them I have more drugs and intend to use them with alcohol. Who knows if I actually have the guts to do it.

IVe failed. I've failed everyone. Tomorrow they either put me in crisis , send me to a ward or send me home with a few leaflets.

I'm a total failure. I am so ashamed

[Eir]

You haven't failed, you've stumbled. You did well to make 7 years. And you were honest with them so you are letting them help, which is a huge deal, not many people can do that.
*hugs* I hope whatever drove you back to this brink eases off and you feel better soon.

[Margo]

Thanks. My mood is low. I can't stop cutting. It's only a few cuts a day but they are getting deeper and deeper, just like the old days.

I sat on the kitchen floor last night at 1 am with a large ****** tracing my veins over and over again. I didn't do anything. Was more a lovely daydream I guess.

My Gf is scared because she says I make it sound like there is nothing wrong.

I get told I'm a good person and I know deep down I am. but you know what, right now I don't give a **** about anyone.

I'm grinding to a halt again. Worst I've felt for years.

I wish my old friends were here.

[Eir]

I know what you mean. I'm on the verge of relapse myself and I feel as though I know basically no one, and no one knows me. And it sucks.
Was it just low mood that triggered everything? Hope things have gone well with the access team.
*hugs if you need them*

[Margo]

Ive made a promise to both my gf and the People at MIND that I will not take another overdose until I have at least been seen tomorrow.

I've tried to cut as deep as I can. My skin, being one that enjoys healing, keeps closing and making what I have done seems trivial.

Cutting is exhausting. For me it's calculated and controlled. It Feels the only thing I have left in control of my life right now.

I haven't a ****ing clue why I'm writing again.

I'm going to be sober. My heart is heavy and I feel little or no love.

There is a terrible storm ahead. Apparently drowning is quite beautiful.

[Eir]

*hugs*
Try to make it to tomorrow hun. Its a struggle, yes, but you can beat this back till then. Youve done it before.

[Margo]

Thank you. I made it to Monday.

I found out today that whilst off my face i text someone for 4 hours telling them I was going to kill myself. I also found out that I had a similar conversation with a friend about arranging a week in Dorset.

Ok so the Dorset thing is hilarious. The other thing has left me mortified. We spoke about it over coffee today and she was ok about it but I was totally distraught. I had no recollection at all. She's training to be a therapist so dealt with it well and we've moved on. It's left me in a panic all afternoon.

This isn't the first time I've overdosed and left someone upset and had no recollection.

Today I cut myself badly too.

I'm actually scaring myself.

[Eir]

Oh hun, I know finding out that sort of stuff is scary. Stuff you do where you aren't quite there. It's frightening not knowing how much is missing.
It's fortunate that your friend is a trainee therapist. For both of you. She has or is learning the skills to cope with what you said, so i imagine she was the safest personnel for to talk to in that state. And because you seemed to know that, despite the lack of recollection, you can take comfort in the fact that even when you aren't 'there', something in you recognises boundaries and safety
Keep moving forward with this. Get the help you need. I'll keep floating by ryl as much as posdible, you can have a yarn with me, either post or pm me
Others here care for you, despite this being a slow board. Your gf, your friends, they care. I hope things improve for you

[Margo]

I want to write thank you but I can't lift my fingers to type.

I can break make it to the kettle. I've not taken anything. I've not cut. I've not done anything hd t all today. Yet I can barely move.

Still waiting for the access tem to call. It's been a week now. Supposed to go to therapy tomorrow too but I simply can't drive. Told my dad, he shrugged and walked off.

im sorry I haven't thanked you properly

[Eir]

It's all good. The people here have done the same for me in the past, and I'm pretty sure you may be one of the ones who helped me then. Not that that matters. It feels a bit selfish but supporting you is helping me work thru my s*** right now.
Sounds like the MH team is being a bit slack. Is it possible for you to call them again or get someone to call on your behalf? And maybe call your therapist, maybe they will have ideas who might be able to give you a hand getting to and from your appointment, or even organise a phone appointment. I don't know what's available where you are.
I know how exhausting fighting ddepression can be. And dealing with the after effects of 'breaks'. Take care of yourself today, do what you can, do what you need. Very little cannot be put off until tomorrow If need be.
Your dad doesn't sound particularly supportive, but then he may not understand much about mental healt, or the current issue. But you have done well in not being self destructive today. You should be proud of yourselF especially considering recent history
Take care hun and I'll post either later or tomorrow

[Margo]

They called me yesterday evening. Asked me how I was and it all went a bit wrong. I mentioned I dropped some mens and we never got past that even though I tried to explain I'd been on a lower dose for over a year. Oh well.

So I see these people at the local psych ward on Sunday at 10:30. Great ****ing time.

The access team are who came and rescued me the last time and were amazing. I doubt they can help this time as im so much better than I used to be. Pre christmas and I was really fight functioning. Now ive managed to shower today for the second day on the trot. Go me!

One of the reasons I wanted help is because I'm scared of the feelings I have. I'm scared of the cutting im doing. I'm back to past superficial level (in medical terms) and it is getting worse.

I feel ive got to harm badly enough for the people I see sunday. I feel ive got to have cuts that mean I'm poorly. I know there's no correlation between depth and severity and mental pain but to me it does.

I'm scared they will laugh at me. I'm scared I'll have to go through the same **** ive been through all before. I ****ing hate being spoken to about self harm like I'm a teenager. I'm past 40 now. I'm sick of being told about distraction methods. When I want to cut I want to cut. Simples.

Im scared. I just need some extra help. I'm bright. I'm a model patient. I'm never any trouble. I'm never a burden. I just need some extra help. I'm so scared they won't give it to me cus im making it all up.

I sit on a board that talks about collaborative workings with the local MHT. I know there are no beds. I know the staffing levels are dreadful. I know therapists are virtually non existent. I know there are people in a million times worse position than me.

They are going to laugh at me.

[Sefka]

But you're not making it up. There's nothing you have to prove, especially not by harming to an extent that you think is 'bad enough' to show you're ill. But having said that, I understand the feeling. Like if only you could just show a doctor your cuts and yell 'THIS!!!' and they'd understand.

And unless you have some weird manifestation of depression where you constantly make puns (or you have a really **** access team) I can't imagine anyone's going to laugh at you. You expressed it pretty clearly in your post above - you're scared and you need help. I hope you can get that accross as clearly to the people you're seeing and get the help you need.

In the meantime, keep posting here. PM if you want and if I can help, I will.

Thinking of you
S

[Margo]

Thank you hedgehog face ;)

[Eir]

I get that Matthew. Totally. And sadly it's true sometimes, you won't always get the help you need until you hit crisis point. Unfortunately Mh often doesn't have enough primary health care measures. Invisible disease and all that.
Hopefully they will be more helpful in person.
Thinking of you
Annie

[Sefka]

Penguin butt

[Margo]

Heh, it never even occurred to me that there's a really high chance they won't even ask about my self harm let alone see it. I've only ever had to show one psych in the past.

Yet I'm still obsessed that I should have something "worth" showing.

Im still going to cut more though.

Holy ****ign brain. I know I know I know. It know it's all wrong and messed up.

I sound like a attention whore now.

****. Idiot. **** **** ****

[Eir]

*hugs* it's not attention seeking. Brains do crap things be safe and good luck today. Hopefully they are helpful

[Margo]

So I cut some more and well I guess it's never enough but it's enough.

I know it's stupid wht ive done.

I'm in bed and I have just over 12 hours to see them. I've been interviewed by them in the past. I've been interviewed by a dozen psychs and a few ologists and a few different 'teams'.

I know no one is going to make me do anything. I know no one is going to be dreadful. I know there aren't going to be a full restraint team pinning me down and forcing me with tranquillisers.

I know that what will probably happen is nothing..

But I'm terrified. I have to go alone.

I've permanently marked myself 'again' fo no reason what so ever.

Oh ****.

[Margo]

So it was actually the crisis team that i saw. They've changed their name and no one told me, mostly because of my known dislike of crisis teams.

The appointment went well I think. I cried when filling in yet another 'mood' and anxiety sheet. It was the same old set of questions. I tried to explain im scared of my actions and kept mentioning the self harm but she didn't get it. Because I told her I don't cut to bleed she assumed I don't bleed when I cut. Of course I bleed. I bleed ****ing loads at times but I don't do it to watch the blood, I hate blood - I do it to punish. So she made up her mind that I didn't bleed when I self harmed and therefore it must have been extremely mild.

But aside from that it was ok. I'm getting a referral to the psychiatrist for a medication review and to also talk about my self harm. I'm getting referred to the intervention team who are lovely and a possible referral back to the OT team that I did the peer support work with.

She also told me to go and see my friends (as im supposed to be going to dorset with them this week).

So I'm tired. I feel justified in m y had for now that I'm not making things up. I'm angry I cut so badly. Looking today it's worse than I thought. I feel the need to cut to punish what I've done just before I leave for tomorrow.

Yeah I know I have a ****ed up thought pattern.

Thank you for reading xxx

[Eir]

*hugs*
Hate it when they're like that, hearing but not listening. But it sounds like they have set you up with the help you need regardless. And that's great.
There is no need for you to punish yourself, but I know telling someone that never works. Hell, telling myself that never works. Just be safe hun. And be honest with the intervention team and psych, but I think your pretty good at that :-)
Good luck hun
Annie

[Margo]

Thanks. I'm at a friends now. We're going away for a few days with the children. I'm exhausted though. I feel so poorly. Not sure how I'm going to cope. First thing the kids Sid to me when I walked through the door is " are you sad uncle Matthew?"

What do you say to that?

My mate took me for a curry and said he knew this would happen. He said he told his wife and one of my best mates at christmas that Matthew will implode after christmas.

That made me feel more of a **** than I already do.

Therapist keeps writing about this circle of hate I have for myself and punishment I give out. That I need to learn compassion.

I honestly don't know how to forgive myself. I've tried. I am compassionate. Ask any one who's spent an hour with me and they will tell you. But it doesn't work with myself. Yeah I can come out with all the **** but ultimately im sat thinking this is ****. Go **** yourself.

I have two very bouncy 9 and 11 year old boys to babysit tomorrow so I better got to sleep. A day of running them. To lessons and friends houses and being shown infinite you tube videos of mine craft I have no interest in and. The weirdest freaky surreal cartoons ive ever seen.

[Eir]

Sorry for not replying sooner. Wasn't in a head space where I could say anything useful.
Matthew, we're so hard on ourselves. We need to cut ourselves some slack. If I knew how I would share but I don't. Can repeat all the things the therapists say that I've tried but they don't change the way I see myself, and I figure your could repeat them verbatim anyway.

Children seem to pick up on these things better, perhaps because as we get older we learn to hide what we feel and tend to enforce the don't ask don't tell thing to the point we become willingly blind to these cues. Nothing of importance emotionally seems to be aallowed, not from expression and goodness forbid we actually notice unless someone says they want to talk about it.Or maybe that was just the way I grew up.

Your friend noticing your impending breakdown says to me a couple of things, and none of them are that you are a ****. It says to me;
1) he is a decent friend who has been there thru good times and bad
2) you may have a trend, one that seems fairly predictable, with some behaviours that seriously indicate you are nearing breaking point
3) he is either a bit daft in not encouraging you to get serious help sooner when he noticed, ignorant that it could be lessened with timely intervention, aware that sometimes difficult to get the help you need prior to crisis point, too subtle in his encouragement to get you to seek help or uncomfortable with approaching the subject in general. or it may be a case of historically speaking speaking, early intervention hasn't worked in the past.

See? None of that adds up to you being a ****.

I hope the kids behave for you. I hope they can in their rambunctiousness cheer you up A bit.

*hugs*
Take care Matthew
Annie

[Margo]

Few days away and I feel a little better. But the thoughts are coming again.

Got that have I made it all up thing going on.


Sausages
Sausages
Sausages
.

[Eir]

You didn't Matthew. You have the proof here. Your writing style changes when you are down. Ever so slightly, even in your supportive posts.
And here's a thing to think on, if you are messed up enough to make such stuff up, surely you are in as much need for help as someone who lived it? But that's only a Back up thought proces. I believe these posts, you are struggling, your friends can see it too.
Take care Matthew

[Zurg]

You said it so well to me a little while back: A little bit of forgiveness, one step at a time. See, i pay attention :P

Anyways Matthew, i don't know what it is that you have done that is so terrible that you don't deserve forgiveness or compassion. I know it's hard to be kind towards yourself and like you, i often find myself thinking it's bullshit but there's got to be something to it seeing as everyone won't shut up about it.

The thing is that i can easily grant you forgiveness and so can the entire world if needs be but that isn't what you need. You needto find a way to make peace with yourself. To allow yourself to heal wihtout the need to pay it off with impossible achievements. Do you believe me when i say you are a good person?? Or do you think i am lying or somehow have gotten it all wrong??

Thinking patterns can be changed. It takes a looooong time and sometimes one life isn't nearly enough but even if you only made it a quarter of the way you'd still have progressed. And that's the important thing. The attempt to change that which doesn't work. Because beating yourself up and cutting yourself to shreds is not really a viable option and it sure as hell doesn't count as progress or does anything good for you. And i'm a ****ing hypocrite here but i am trying to make a point. And my point is that you know this won't work and you know what you have to do and i believe you need a friendly push in the right direction because right now you're too caught up in this game and too scared to let go of the only thing that seems to work.

You haven't failed. And you can get back to where you were and we can help you. A little bit of forgiveness, one step at a time.....

[Margo]

Kat, do I win hypocrite of the year?

Sorry

Don't stop emailing. You're never ever a pest xxx

[Eir]

*hugs* hope you're ok.
Can we be co- recipients of that award?

[Margo]

Annie thank you for all the support and thank you Kat for yours and your email. I feel I've given nothing in return and indeed I haven't. Depression is such a selfish illness. A dear friend text saying she was thinking of me. Her third text since I said i was being assessed. I never replied once.

I'm really trying to hold things together. I have the most horrific thoughts. They are frightening me. Like really scary. I know it's not right to think what I do for so long for so much if th day.

I've put on half a stone in weight in 4 weeks. Nothing like a massive weight gain over the past two months of so to destroy the self confidence.

I am really and truly grateful for the time and support you've given. I am so sorry I don't have enough to give back. I'm so wrapped up in myself.

[Eir]

*hugs*
I get it. It winds you all back into yourself and isolated you. It's horrible like.that. But I understand
I was starting to worry bout you tho.
Hope the assessment went well enough that you can get the help you are.after/in need of
*hugs*
Thinking of.you

[raining_inmyhead]

And a hug for you too x

[Margo]

So low can barely lift my limbs. I don't think I had nightmares but my first thoughts awakening were bad. Reay bad. Constant unrelenting suicidal thoughts. Places times and methods.

[Eir]

*huggles*
I don't know what to say but I'm thinking of you

[Margo]

I'm being sent a letter for my first appointment with some team. Not sure who they are but the lady sounded nice and mentioned something about skills. She said I meet all their criteria and its to help me cope better.

14 February was the last time I harmed. Ive been away since the 15th. I return home this tuesday.

My head is playing chess with me and I can't win. I feel ok today. Bit flat but ok. So now I feel a fraud and that im a pussy because I haven't hurt myself. It's madness as on Thursday I could barely move and was slurring my speech in therapy, had anxiety attacks and got paranoia.

I'm scared about going home.

my therapist keeps coming out with cliches. I told her every time she tells me it's a defence mechanism and im reverting to old ways and its more comfortable to attack myself all I hear is its all my fault.

I tried to watch self help vids on ted. Again I know most, if not all of this stuff and yet again all I could hear was its my fault.

Ive been offered a trip to Australia. All paid for. All I have to do is look up flights for July and August. I see no point
There is just no ****ing point

[Eir]

*hugs*

[Margo]

Cut today. Epic fail. Went into shock and wasn't that bad. Intended much worse. Stayed another day but home tomorrow. Dreading it. I'm not safe there. I'm sorry to keep writing. Thank you for looking.

[Aurora1]

Sending hugs your way Matthew :) try not to beat yourself up xx

[scarlettcat]

Hey Matthew, It's been a very, very long time since I've been here. I still think of you frequently and hope you're doing OK. Sorry today was a bad one. So glad to know that you're still posting and getting support from RYL.xxx from down under .

[Margo]

Thank you Scarlett. Yeah I don't post much here anymore. Feel guilty and odd for being back. Tried other forums but It just doesn't feel right.

Back home tonight. Maybe a little too many pills and a little too much alcohol but it's numbing the fact im home. Cut again. Failed at cutting deep. Can't understand it.

Is it possible To fail at harming yourself?

[Eir]

Yeah but it's a case of failure being a good thing.
I feel for you. It sucks that things have been hard.
can you get someone to stay with you?
About the posting.posting, last time I checked checked, ryl was here To get support From people who actually get it. Get the need/want to harm yourself, and you do deserve that.
Take care Matthew

[Margo]

a) Go through phone looking at contacts.
b) Select person.
c) Type "I'm struggling"
d) Delete before sending.
e) Repeat b,c and d


Run out of contacts

Cry at loneliness

Get angry at self

Spend the next hour calling yourself the worst things imaginable.

Repeat

[Eir]

Hey.
Hope things are improving, did you manage to text someone?
do you know why you were having trouble sending that text?
I hope you are alright Matthew. Sorry for Not replying sooner.
Annie

[leanne-k]

Hi, I've just seen that no one has commented for a couple of days and just wanting to make sure your okay and to let you know you are not alone.

*hugs*

[Margo]

Thanks.

I'm ok. Low.. Very low. Alone this weekend.

[Margo]

Therapy consists of my therapist literally telling me what I know I'm doing. Self attacking, self sabotaging, self hating. Going back to hurting myself as its a safer place than facing the world.

It doesn't help. Why keep reminding me what I know. I just makes me more aware of the total flick up I am.

Can't stop thinking about death. Who to give what to whom. I made a promise not to die.

People don't understand

[Pomegranate]

What would you rather happen in therapy? Have you told the therapist that isn't helpful?

[Margo]

Some ideas how to think differently. Instead of just telling me why over and over and over.


When she says im doing it because of x,y and z I feel like screaming and saying i ****ing know. Yeah i know it's cus I wasn't taught self nurturing as a kid, yeah I know it's because of all the other ****.

Okay so I know why. Now change tac and tell me something I don't know.

I have told her this. She said she would change. Nothing changed.

I asked her why she always asks to see my cuts. I'd never show anyone. She said because she feels I want people to see my pain. We duh. Don't we all kinda want that secretly? To be able to show people what we do that we keep hidden from the world so that they can perhaps begin to see the ****ing mess that's inside us?

Besides, ive seen the look on someone's face when they saw. It's happened twice and i spent hours calming them down. Counselling and comforting them. It ain't happening again.

I start this new team in two weeks. Maybe they can help? Who knows?

I used to spend so much time on this forum. Ive spoken to hundreds of people. Hopefully helped a lot too. So why the **** do I feel I know nothing again?

I'm so angry with myself. I hate myself so much. No one who knows me gets it cus im so lovely and smart and capable and funny and wonderful and kind and lalalalalalalalalalalalalala. **** that.

Sorry
Sorry
Sorry
Sorry

[Eir]

It sounds as though your counsellor is stuck with the old way / easy way of thinking when it comes to self harm. Doesn't seem a good fit for you. Looking at part of the picture, focusing on the bit where hat is common. Ignoring the fact that that isn't a helpful approach for you despite evidence that highlights that fact. Sounds like CBT isn't therapy for you. Some therapists don't seem to get the fact that Unless you are a moron (and you're not) you dont self harm for years and endure therapy for years without learning why you are doing it. Knowing why doesn't fix it, just like knowing why you don't produce insulin doesn't fix diabetes.
I don't know if there are any approaches that may help. I don't know how to make your therapist realise that them pointing out why you are self hating makes you hate yourself more. And I definitly don't know how to make you feel ok enough to not want to die.
But I can tell you you aren't alone. I can read your posts and offer my take on things. Or give you digital hugs when I'm wordless. Ryl lets you vent in a safe space.
*hugs*
Take care Matthew

[Margo]

I don't have cbt. I have psychodynamic therapy. I pay privately for my sessions and take a 250 mile round trip fortnightly to do so. I pay for it all from my ste benefit.

Don't get me wrong I have a good therapist. The best I've had. We've been together a long time nd she's smart, very smart and that is something I need cus I can be relatively smart too when my brain actually functions.

Getting to core issues and deep dark places as to why when and where my various thought patterns have stemmed has been hugely helpful. IM a different and better person for it.

Ironically, it is a more cbt type approach im missing. Perhaps when I meet with the intensive therpies team next week this can change?

Ive felt less in danger recently. I'm not actively suicidal now, I just think about it a lot rather than plan it and search relentlessly for the right moment. I guess it's like a dull headache that's always in the background. I know this isn't healthy and I know it's a bad sign. But I guess I'm saying I'm a lot more stable than when I first made this thread. I'm also a lot fatter, craggy and hairy.

im tired. I sit in silence a lot and I sit alone for the majority of the time. Huge empty voids with little or no productivity of any kind.

Ramble ramble. Feel sorry for self. La la la

[Eir]

*hugs* sorry, didn't understand, my own bias crept in, despite trying to leave it out of the conversation.
It's good you are more stable. And you are aware enough to know where youre at.
Good luck with the team. I hope they give you the portion of therapy that you need

[d.rocky]

I don't think I can offer any words of advice that will be of any use but I just wanted to say its good to hear you're feeling more stable.

[Margo]

Thanks.

Amazing how quickly you get used to pain isn't it. A quick nip in, do the deed and back out smiling and saying hi to those who walk past. We have a joke, mention the rugby quickly and no one has a clue.

[Margo]

I feel fine. I mean I feel fine. No excuses now. Nothing to hide behind, All ok. So now it's just plain old laziness.

Don't even know why I cut. No need. No reason.

Worlds champion bullshitter, fraud and fake. Ho hum.

Sorry

[Pomegranate]

So if you feel fine then what's the plan moving forwards?

[Margo]

Gonna cover myself in cheese and skateboard over an eel.

[Pomegranate]

That sounds awesome! What kind of cheese? :-p

[Margo]

I'd advocate Tom my ine to talk bout how they feel with friends and family.

Funny how when youre asked how you feel and you tell them you feel dreadful and are struggling they all disappear.

Funny how when drunk or high friends sit and tell you how much you mean to them and if there is anything they can do then just ask. Then they disappear.

So ive decided to tell everyone I'm fine. Instant replies to messages.

Why do we see denial and lies about how we feel as a strength? Friends with cancer telling the world they are fine and in no pain and it's all ok are seen as heroes. Oh they're so brave. Put in a pedestal and we sit and wish we had their strength. They are both dead now. Few people know how much they suffered. I was one.

So taking that on board I guess I'm just seen as that miserable **** who brings us all down. But yeah he's ok when he's being silly and happy cus happy is cool and we can deal with that cus when we said we'd be there to listen we just said it cus it's the done thing. Heaven forbid you'd actually tell us and expect us to help or even listen.

Sound like an angry post? Yeah it is. I don't go around asking for help. I hide it 90% of the time.

But what's the ****ing point. Today my head is mush. Slow motion and slurred speech.

Therapy tomorrow and I'm considering telling her it's time to end it as im getting no where.

[effervescence]

Hey dude,

I'm sorry to see this thread and see where you are at right now. The following quote I can really identify with:

Cutting is exhausting. For me it's calculated and controlled. It Feels the only thing I have left in control of my life right now.

As well as this:


I ****ing hate being spoken to about self harm like I'm a teenager. I'm past 40 now. I'm sick of being told about distraction methods. When I want to cut I want to cut. Simples.

I often think about posting threads but hardly ever do because I feel like nothing ever changes. I think part of that is because I never really do a lot to make it change. I think you said you have seen your therapist for a long time now (and she knows you well and is intellingent etc) and if you're anything like me you come to really depend on that person and the relationship you have with them. But have you considered that maybe it's time for a change? Could you see someone new?

Therapy tomorrow and I'm considering telling her it's time to end it as im getting no where.

[Eir]

Thinking of you. I relate to where you are at. I hope you are ok. Denial like that is also exhausting. Perhaps that's why some see it as strength. I don't know. I personally think admitting the pain is more difficul, and shows morenstrengy.
Take care Matthew.
Annie

[Margo]

Thanks both.

I saw someone at the MHT last week. Was a disaster. I cried, was slurry, slow motions and super vacant. I thought it was obvious I was in distress? I got a referral to the psych for a medication review and a booklet with courses I can apply for like a two day mindfulness session and a half day coping with low mood session.

If I hadn't planned to go away the following day I guess something bad would have happened.

Im away now. Its a good distraction but that's all it is.

I had some heated words in therapy and my therapist really thought it was positive. Apparently I protect her in my sessions? Go figure.

I just don't like confrontation.

I feel like a spider in the bath. You know when they scramble up the sheer face and expend all that energy to only end up exactly where they started. I'm just waiting for someone to turn on the tap and flush me away.

[Eir]

*hugs* I get the spider thing. So much effort for what appears to be nothing.
It's unfortunate that the mht did nOt work out as hoped.
Hopefullynsomething good comes of it.
Take care Matthew
*More hugs*

[Margo]

Thank you again. It's my last day away tomorrow. I hate going back home.self harm free for two weeks. Can't cut here as it just wouldn't be fair.

Been up and down this week. The kids have forced me to be up and about who ive wanted to be alone and away in my head. It's helped a lot.

Meeting friends I haven't seen in ages is always hard. They ask what I'm up to and im not quite sure how to say nothing?

The. It's the usual barrage of 'you should' and 'you need to'. It makes me feel a total failure. Everyone I know is a success. I know they mean well.

I dunno why I'm writing.

Thank you x

[Eir]

I hate the you should, have you, just try. Especially if they involve religion. more so when it's from someone who says they have been mentally ill. One of my colleagues at work is doing that to me, and I hate it. I am not her. She doesn't have my experiences, nor I hers. I tried to find God to help and it didn't seem interested.
Not that I deem her experience invalid, it just doesn't work for me. Stop telling me it will.
Kids are a lovely distraction tho, but they only work as a distraction for me. Like alcohol, the problems are still the afterwards. I'm glad they have helped you tho.
Doesn't matter why you are writing, I tend to figure that even if I don't know the purpose it helps to share in a safe place
Good luck with going home. Take care

[Margo]

Last few days and I've felt fine. Too fine, scary fine and it's unsettled me. It makes the "you've made it all up" fairy shout louder and louder. I burned myself just because I felt too normal. I know that's stupid. I snapped at my gf too and I shouldn't have. She's having her own hell and it was selfish of me.

I can't bring myself to even look at my bike let alone go and ride it. I walked into the garage and turned my head so I couldn't see it. Wtf am I doing?

Today I'm just sitting in the dark. Have an ear infection. Feel crap.

silly me

[Eir]

That bloody fairy make the rounds doesn't it.
*hugs*
You get so used to feeling like crap, that when you have a good period, you just have to poke at it till it gives.
Same with snapping at people close to us. They're there and it seems safe to snap at them, push the boundaries of the relationship, see if we can prove it's another thing we can **** up, because we feel we don't deserve them.
I'm sorry I have no advice, only can offer some comfort.
I hope things come good soon.
Thinking of you

[Margo]

thamk you for replying and listening. So up and down.
All over the place.

[Eir]

Always ready to 'listen'. *hugs*

[Margo]

I'm failing everything.

[effervescence]

What do you feel you're failing? Specific things or life in general?

[Margo]

Pretty much everything. I'm failing life. Every aspect. I don't want life

[Eir]

You aren't failing. Struggling, yes, but not failing.
*Hugs*
You have strength, you've made it this far. Lean on your supports. Cut yourself some slack.(hypocritical I know)
I'm thinking of you, hope thing start to improve soon.

[Margo]

Managed to cut today. What a relief. Of cours it no where near how I need it to be but it's a start.

Valium and alcohol. Running low. More soon I hope. Will work deeper and deeper.

If I get what I want I'll sleep fo days

[raining_inmyhead]

Hugs tight x

[Eir]

*hugs* is there any support people you can approach? I think you need safe place to breakdown.
Take care, Matthew
Annie

[Margo]

I'm fine. Honestly I'm fine. Over dramatic. That's all. Dragged myself out today. Was ok. Back home now. I'm not breaking down. I'm on a mission to self destruct. I think there's a distinct difference.

Wrote to my friend last night declining the offer to see him in Aus. I know most people would jump at the chance of a free flight and accommodation. I can't support myself while I'm there though and I'm sick of living off friends charity. I have little left in my life but maybe a gram of pride left?


My cuts are ****. But at least they've stayed open. I like the scars. There are places that ****ing kill to cut but there's little blood and there's others that hardly hurt but bleed like ****.

I hate blood. Ironic huh. Self harmer who faints when he bleeds.



Psych assessment a week today.

Yeah I'm fine. No there's nothing you can do. Yup I should go out and cycle and find work and socialise and eat healthy and read and tak to people and join in lots of activities and take my mess and be a good boy and it will all be ok.

Well I did all that and more and look at me now. A living embodiment of a ****.

[Eir]

Your not a ****. You are allowed to want to self destruct. Especially with how long you've fought with this. I'm hoping somewhere along the line you find the thing that shows the struggle was worth it. And that you survive.
*hugs*
Thinking of you

[Margo]

Gf says I don't realise I'm poorly.

I'm really scared. Terrified about Monday.

[Eir]

*hugs*
Is there a specific reason the psych assessment is scaring you?

[Margo]

I don't want to tell the, about the ods. Everyone is telling me I should. Gf even mentioned inpatient would ne good for me.

I'm not sick. I know exactly what I'm doing. I don't feel ill and they will see that. I'm scared they will turn ,e away and laugh or something. But I not going impatiently. No ****ing way

[random.swirls]

Oh Matt I hadn't associated your name with you

Leaves love

X

[Margo]

Thanks Cam. Yup it's the boob loving penguin. X

[Pomegranate]

How did you get on today?

[Margo]

They've changed the system. Instead of going to the nut house and seeing the psych they come to the community therapies place and we sit in a more relaxed room.

Two psychs and a care worker. The consultant was lovely. But he kept asking questions I couldn't answer. They were concerned about my overdosing.

Split into three things. Biological, physical and psychological. Each to be worked upon. Asked to see my self harm. I'd done some pathetic cuts in the morning just to take my mind off but they saw some nasty scars.

They want me back on the same meds. Then I get reviewed after 3 weeks. I've been offered therapy for the first time ever seeing I have it privately and I'm going to be working with occ therapy again and another team to try and get me back outside and working again.

I have to go for bloods and an ecg. I think that's because of the Valium overdosing.

But I'm not locked up.

It was lol nice but I felt they were tricking me up.

I came home and took more Valium. I've cut myself too. A nice one that hurts I've **** and is wide open.

Even tho it all went well I still feel I've failed.

I know I've used someone who's been supporting me all the way nd I never meant to do that.

I'm sorry posting on. Help site mad seemingly doing everything except help myself.

I'm sorry I've taken up so much time.

But I'll go to the point,mets. The my meds nd see what happens.

I'm sorry. I'm so so very sorry nd ultimately I'm ashamed.

[Eir]

Sounds like the appointment went well.
Look, as youve said before, this is a place for seeking and giving support. We all have days when we seek more support than we give. And we are usually in a place where we can't help ourselves. So don't be sorry about that.

Please take care. *Hugs*
Annie
Also thinking about of adopting you. Want to be a penguin?

[Margo]

:pengy: I am a penguin! I changed my UN from ninjapengun to margo as a Private joke with one of the mods here.

:pengy::pengy:


See I even drew my own penguin

[Eir]

That's it, I'm adopting you ��
*huggles*

[squirrelspit]

<3

..

[Margo]

<3

..

Hello gorgeous xxx

[Eir]

*glomp *

[Margo]

Nothing to see here

[raining_inmyhead]

Hugs tight... x

[Eir]

Matthew,
I hope your doing better but I realise it's unlikely. Try to remember that there are people who care about you, and want to support you.
Just checking in I guess
*huggles*

[Margo]

Thanks for the hug Nat and thank you Anne

Yesterday I wasn't feeling that great. Dizzy all day. Dont think wine and benzos mixed well.

I went to bed clean. I didn't want to feel bad today. Had appointment today with the occ therapy team. They were lovely. It was a bloke I saw and I don't normally get on with men but he was lovely. There was no pressure and they aren't going to try and rush me into riding my bike and going and getting work and stuff that terrifies me.

I'm going back on Monday and we are going to discuss a couple of one day courses just to start getting me out. I told them I spend all day sedating myself and not moving.

Unfortunately I'm back on the benzos tonight. Seems I've taken more than I realised and I don't have enough left for what I wanted.

Hopefully they will kick in soon and I can sleep. I have some zopiclone on order too and I'm hoping they come tomorrow. I've read they are commonly used to cure a cute anxiety and insomnia so it's a relatively safe mix.

I'd be lying if I said safety was on my mind tho.

I'm sorry I sound so morbid. I don't want to tell anyone cus I go away to see Gf next week and I don't want to be told I can't go.

Ill be fine

I always am.

I'm a penguin and penguins are ****ing hardcore!

[Eir]

Penguins are hardcore, look how long this particular penguin has lived with these circumstances.
I hope you tell them when you get back. *hugs and a glitter squish ball in your pocket*
Please be safe.
Annie

[Margo]

The zopiclone left the ,oust vile taste in my mouth for hours and a regular dose did nothing.

I felt the withdrawal from the benzos today. I know this is bad.

I have decided to keep the sleepers in case of emergency exit. I'm going to try and ween myself off the benzos. Ordered some more and have halved the dose. Will continue like this for a while and then further reduce.

I know I'm an idiot. I know why I've done is endangering my health.

I. Managed to cut for the first time since the A&E episode. It felt so good. So at least I have that back. I know it's not a good coping strategy but it's safer than taking a **** load of benzos.

My friend is currently transferring money into my account and i shall be off to the Gold Coast mid September . Will book my ticket once the funds are in place. Hopefully I can fly with Singapore as their stuardessess are so beautiful.

Both times in the past I've spent time in Sydney. I love Sydney but sadly I won't be able to go this time due to funds.

I. Feel guilty cus I'm not excited but it is something to live for and that's all I have now.

Love

Mattjew xxx

[Margo]

High or low? I dunno. So full of downers that I'm low but i guess that makes me high.

I have an urge to cut. I look at the pictures online and mine are never that bad. I know people only out them because they are bad and I should pay no attention but I want to look and feel beat up.

I see the options tea, to,or row about some mindfulness courses.

I see the psych on Tuesday for a med review. I really should mention the benzos.

I dug out my record player. Got all excited but it's broken. I almost cried. I bought an orange shirt from tkmaxx. It's large. I look huge in it. The girl assured me I didn't look fat and then told me she has Ed and would tell me the truth if I did. It's still like a ****ing tent though.

The loneliness is deafening. Screaming shadows.

I dunno why I'm writing this. The people I really want to see it will never read it. Ironically I'd be mortified if they did.

I wish I could feel love. I wish I was in love.

[Eir]

*Hugs*
Wanting to have the outside match the inside I think is normal.
You've put into words what I feel.
I wanna say it gets Better.
I hope it does. You deserve for it to get better.
Annie

[Margo]

Thanks Annie. You're kind.

I can feel must getting suicidal again. I'm too scared to tell them tho. I've been told many times I have this wiseness and empathy and I'm always the one people go to about emotional ****. They think I'm really together.

What's funny is right now I wouldn't know where to start or what to even begin to tell myself.

Like I know I need more help. Like I know I'm more poorly than I'm admitting. But I don't understand any of it.

I'll have spent almost two weeks in bed after today.

I don't know what I want or what I'm asking.

I honestly feel ill never feel happy ever again.

Therapist told me things are on hold. Things are put aside. But there is no aside and there is no where to hold anything. It's just and abyss of black and hopelessness. I'm finding it hard to explain there is nothing.

[Eir]

That the hard part. You be so strong for others you can't let yourself slip and actually ask for help yourself because it's become buried so deep you don't know where to start.
Because you've been round the traps before, you know what doesn't work for you in the mental health system. You know where your aT. Logically you know what you need to do, but your illness has the reins and keeps trying to blind you and tie you down. Sure, there are bits that are different. And you don't have the energy to fight yourself.
Please try to talk to them. I know it's hypocritical of me to ask that. You are smart, you have been down this road before. You know your options. Maybe show them your postS?
*Hugs*
Please take care of yourself

[Margo]

I'll keep it short cus I'll put my main response in the MH forum. But I saw the occ therapist who was lovely and I have. Good rapport with. Things are in motion.

Saw psych yesterday. I took my sleepers in to hand them over. I thought it would show a true willingness to try and help myself.

Basically I got told that while I'm taking the benzos they can't help me and if I won't hand them over there is nothing they can do. I felt like a child.

I was honest and open. I said I have halved the dos and I want hel getting off the benzos. I felt talked down to and I felt like my effort ad honesty wasn't appreciated.

I will reduce the amount as I know I'm killing myself. But my desire to self harm is through the roof. Thankfully I'm going away for two weeks and I'll be safe so it's come at the right time.

Xxx

[Eir]

You've done well to tell them. I'm sad that the response was so unhelpful. Being treated like a child is never helpful. The catch 22 situation they put you in is stupid as well.
Try and have fun while you're away.
Take care
Annie

[Margo]

Booking Australia in next week hopefully 17 sept to 10 October. Woohoo!

Watch out Aussie loons. There gonna be a new loon in town! Thongs and a wife beater! Sex on legs!

[effervescence]

Holy crap, a flying penguin.

[Margo]

I have special penguin pants that make me fly! *nods sagely*

[Eir]

*hugs* not in my neck of the woods tho.
Ah well....

[liveforthemoment]

Hi Matthew

It feels odd to me to come back here after so many years as well. I know your Aussie trip will be awesome! Please have fun and relax!

I'm so sorry for the hell you've been going through.

I'm not in a place to offer anything constructive but just wanted you to know I care so much.

Please take care of YOU.

Much love,
Rachel

[Margo]

*hugs* not in my neck of the woods tho.
Ah well....


Yeah sadly I won't be able to afford my usual trip up to Sydney (a place I adore). Could have met for a Chinese in china town. Mmmmmmmm penguins like Chinese.

[Margo]

Hi Matthew

It feels odd to me to come back here after so many years as well. I know your Aussie trip will be awesome! Please have fun and relax!

I'm so sorry for the hell you've been going through.

I'm not in a place to offer anything constructive but just wanted you to know I care so much.

Please take care of YOU.

Much love,
Rachel



Thank you xxxx

[Eir]

It's all good, I don't currently have the funds to nick off to Sydney anyhow. There was a lovely Vietnamese place last time I was there for anything but flying out to Townsville. Awesome steamed spring rolls. Wonder if that's still there... Hope things are doing better *many hugs and a squish*

[Margo]

Ah I thought you were a Sydney girl

[Eir]

No bathurst. The place of Mount panorama and v8 racing. Otherwise a hole three hours inland from Sydney

[Margo]

Hillbilly eh? ;p





My bacon mentor ( yes I have/had one) sent me a tweet today asking how things were going. It totally made me burst into tears and my mood just plummeted.

Trying hard to keep busy. Urges to cut and cut badly are strong. I doubt I will tho. Just thoughts, you know.

Oh well

I suck and I'm a massive failure.

[Eir]

*hugs*
Not a failure. Not suckful at all. You've been fighting uphill for years.
I do that. Find a place to hide to breakdown. I don't like people watching me when I fall apart.
Not hillbillly, redneck, they like cars more. And big engines. Townnof redneck revheads.
Sorry not much supportiveness talk.
Thinking of you tho.

[Margo]

So I got clean of benzos. Not self harmed (ok a small one) for a few weeks and I feel okish. But now I have no anti anxiety meds. They told me how to ween myself off and have banned me from receiving benzos com the doctors. No contact from psych. No plan. No follow up. The psych said to bring myself down to x mg per day. I'm at zero and the thing I don't get is how can I be told to stay at a certain level if I'm not allowed medication.

I don't know what to do. I'm too scared to call. I know it sounds stupid.

[raining_inmyhead]

It doesn't sound stupid... call if you can, maybe talk to mind? Hope you can find a way to ask... the system is stupid, there is no follow up unless you ask for something... hope you ok... still thinking of you

[Margo]

Such a **** day. So so so so so anxious. Shaking all day. I was so determingped not to take an emergency pill to calm down but I had to. I was more anxious of the fact that's one less left for an emergency. A tiny dose that didn't do anything really and I was left having to drive non motorway all the way back.

I feel like I failed. I feel like such a **** up. Emotionally exhausted from everything. Stressed to ****. I feel so alone and abandoned by the people who are supposed to keep me safe. Everything triggers me into feeling dissapointed and that I'm worthless. I'm trying so so hard not to SH. I really am honestly. It's so ****ing hard.

It's just all been too much today. I'm exhausted. Totally and utterly exhausted.
Please can someone give me a hug?

[sparklyshoes]

Get back to the psych mister. Tell them exactly what you have done and that you have upheld your part of the bargain. I've read the whole thread pengy and I have to say; you've got back from this before and back to some sort of normality. You can do it again. Keep strong, you can do this. Do it for you. You aren't this piece of shi*e that you think you are and you can tell that because no matter how low you get, how much you push people away you still have people around you.
I can't say too much right now as I'm a bit grumpy and brash at the minute and it wouldn't be the right thing to do. Harsh words are not what you need right now as you are doing a good enough job at tearing yourself apart emotionally. Worst comes to the worst and the words don't come out, print your posts.
*squishes*

[aoife77]

Matthew how are you doing now? I m a long time reader of your posts and just wanted to offer my support. I m also back to SI and where i started 14 years ago but I just wanted to let you know I m here if you ever need to talk or someone to listen. Hugs

[Eir]

*lots hugs for Matthew* sorry haven't been around. I'm with sparlkyshoes, get back to the psych. I'm so proud of you for getting off the Benzos.
I hope your ok.
Annie

[sparklyshoes]

How's it going pengy? X

[Margo]

Thank you for the words and hugs. I'm ok I guess. Been a rough week. Had a bad Sunday filled with depression me anxiety. Monday was anxious like hell and Tuesday was crappy. Today hasn't been too bad thankfully.

I'm still clean as it were. I haven't spoken to anyone still though. Don't go to MIND this week. I just thought what's the point. I got a message from a friend saying my text I sent to the volunteer wasn't recieved till after I'd gone. It upset me it wasn't the person themselves replying to me to explain.

My dads back tomorrow night and I'm off to the midlands for a week on Friday. Supposed to got to a party but I'm not in the mood and I can't handle the drink as it depresses me.

Then straight away I'm off to see my gf and she'll keep me safe. The following week will be the psych or care worker bitch who's useless. I'll tell them then.

I bought my ticket for aus today. I'm kinda excited. I'm terrified also.

X

[Eir]

*hugs* I have no words. Thinking of you tho.

[Margo]

So my dad came home and I was so anxious I had to take a small dose of benzo. I promise it was small and within safe measures. The pills were old and out of date but I think they worked.

On Friday I went to a mindfulness session and it triggered my anxiety really badly. How ironic. I thought I was having a heart attack. It lasted the whole day and night. I had to go to bed around 3 pm and stayed there. I didn't take meds as I have so few left. I'm scared the old pills may have made me bad? I dunno.

But it meant I didn't go away. I let my friends down and I let myself down. My person at MIND got a message from me explaining what's happened. I got a reply today and they are livid to put it mildly.
I've now had three all day chronic anxiety attacks in a week. But hey. I suck.

At least I have no desire to kill myself or self harm, so that's good?

[sparklyshoes]

Why should they be livid Matthew? It's not like you are doing anything to harm them. They are probably just concerned and worried about you. Sorry you've had a poop week x

[Margo]

Why should they be livid Matthew? It's not like you are doing anything to harm them. They are probably just concerned and worried about you. Sorry you've had a poop week x

Not livid with me. Just the situation I've been left in. It's just the persons personal view. I doubt I'll take it further but I'm hoping I can speak to someone tomorrow there.

[sparklyshoes]

I hope you do get to speak to someone and get the support you need right now :) Don't beat yourself up, it's normal to have bad days. I also think you need to get back in touch with the psych xx

[Margo]

I wrote a reply this morning and pressed preview by mistake. Anyway what I wrote isn't relevant now. I had another severe attack today but made it to the local mind office. Had a long one to one and gave my story. It seems there has been some negligence and I've been treated like ****.

Cutting a long story short, the MHT called after an intervention and are trying to arrange a psych within the next week.

They totally ignored the fact the psych removed my medication and made no provision for aftercare or a care plan of any kind. The psych has left the area now.

At least I got it out. Hopefully something can be done to help.

Xxx

[Eir]

*hugs* it's great that someone finally listened. Pity about them ignoring those parts tho. Hopefully they will address those issues soon. Maybe when you meet with the psych.
Good luck

[sparklyshoes]

Glad things are progressing in the right way x

[Margo]

Why does my brain do this? Psych in 50 mins and I feel a fraud. I'm not anxious like I was. I'm worried it's all been made to be too much. Last few weeks been hell. I'd say to anyone they need help. Yet now I feel I'm making it up. A former care worker of mine also co acted my current support person and said they were concerned too. ****

**** **** and bollocks. I'm now worrying about not being ill enough. Stupid head. Sorry just had to get it out

[Sketchy]

You're not a fraud. You said things have been hell, so it's clearly time to talk to someone. I don't know what to suggest to help, but I do understand. I have had those thoughts before a psych app. You're not alone. Sorry, that's not helpful, but sometimes it helps to know someone understands. Please see your appointment through. You are clearly suffering. I hope they can help.
Take care.


Just realised the time you posted. Did you go to appointment? How did it go?

[Margo]

I went and it was ok. Psych was nice. Increased my ads and put me on low dose of quetiapine. Felt like they listened. Their notes were all wrong. They stated I said I'd be comfortable at the level the previous psych told me. I never said such a thing. The previous psych mentioned amounts which is why I got confused. Thank god he's left. Useless git.

I was told I can transfer to another team too with people I know to help with anxiety. Will have to see in a couple of weeks.


My anxiety course today was dreadful. The girl rang in sick and someone stepped in At the last minute. She basically read from the booklet. Wasn't her fault but I don't think it helped anyone in the room.

Quetiapine is making me a bit confused.

[Sketchy]

Sorry they got the notes wrong and I hope you get it sorted. I'm glad the psych was nice, that always makes a difference. It's frustrating not being listened to, so at least they are doing so.

I'm on quetiapine too. It has helped me sometimes with anxiety, especially when I over think things over and over, so I hope you benefit from it too. It does make me rather dopey and I got confused sometimes too, but I guess it's about weighing up the pros and cons.

That sounds like a bit of a rubbish session at the anxiety group, but let's hope it's a one off. If not, you are well within your rights to complain.

Apart from the problems with notes and group it sounds like it was a positive step.

[Eir]

On the quetapine too. The extended release formula. I just get butter fingers from it. Give it a bit and confusion may pass. Then again I tend to be generally a bit confused with or without meds. It's helped a fair bit with sleep tho.
Glad that despite the notes issue it went ok. Anxiety course sounds dreadful. Hopefully the next one is better.
*hugs*

[Margo]

The meds have calmed down now. No longer knocking me out. Sleeping a bit better.
Low today. Useless. Anxiety building.

Do you ever look in the mirror and find you're physically repulsed by what you see looking back?

I am disgusting

[Slip]

Do you ever look in the mirror and find you're physically repulsed by what you see looking back?

who hasn't! - I mean, you may think me beautiful for example - but all I see when I look in the mirror is a grotesque piece of poo! I may think you very handsome - but all you see is the ugliness you 'believe' you hold in your heart. Its all perception & the self perception of loons like us is (usually) way off base...

I'm glad the meds are calming down...

Thinking of you

DE xx

[Sketchy]

The meds have calmed down now. No longer knocking me out. Sleeping a bit better.
Low today. Useless. Anxiety building.

Do you ever look in the mirror and find you're physically repulsed by what you see looking back?

I am disgusting

Oh yes, I feel like this way too much, and I'm sorry you feel this way.
How are you feeling?

[Margo]

Actually I feel ok. Nightmares calming down. I can feel the anxiety creeping in but the mess seems to suppress it a lot. They've calmed the shaking too even tho I can't stop my legs from going when I'm nervous.

Went on a dealing with distress course yesterday. Saw one of the nice workers. He talked to me after one to one and that helped a lot. Discussed getting help from them. Made me feel better.

Seeing useless worker this afternoon. Need to ask about my meds.

I do feel better though..

[Sketchy]

That does sound like an improvement. I'm so glad for you. I hope the distress course can help too.

[Eir]

Do you ever look in the mirror and find you're physically repulsed by what you see looking back?


Always. Even when I know the reflection isn't me, and not what others see.
Glad the meds are helping a bit.

[Margo]

Thank you both. Been cycling too. Used to do it a lot. Knees ache and back hurts but it's great to be out on the bike. I'm slow and not going too far but it's a start.

Saw community therapies team yesterday. The woman I don't get on with called me in the morning to say the guy from the courses said I wasn't happy with how they were treating me. It put me on the spot and I hate confrontation. I find it hard to sick up for myself so I diffused it and changed subject.

I only found out during the conversation that she's not my assigned worker and that it's a team thing. This would explain why she's bee totally and utterly ****.

I feel like I'm going mad with them. I feel totally ****ed over.

I saw a different girl. Told her the shaking had stopped and then I started to shake lol.

We've agreed that I need some more intensive action regarding my anxiety. I'm going to do some one to ones with the nice bloke who helped me.

Also going to get help finding some voluntary work maybe.

I'm terrified but I hope I can keep well. I've lost another 6 months of my life. I don't want to lose any more.

[Sketchy]

That's excellent you got on the bike. I've recently taken up cycling, so I may have to pick your brains there. It's the stationary objects that just creep up whilst cycling I struggle with. Surprisingly, I'm still in one piece!

That was awful being put on the spot like that. I can't imagine many people would handle that well. I'm glad the one to ones will be with the nice guy. I hope it helps.

It is a terrifying situation, but it sounds like you are doing the right things to help you reach a better place.

[Eir]

*hugs*

[Margo]

Quetiapine seems good for me! Anxiety well within manageable state! Only thing is I can't blummin drink on them. Tried and managed two pints before I had to stop. Oh woe is me :p. Sleeping is pants tho. Really pants. Oh well. It's a start.

Must train self to drink before Australia. Can't spend 3 weeks there without a beer!

[Margo]

****.

I kept catching myself being so negative yesterday in my meeting. The poor guy was supposed to help. I dunno what happened. He just sat there in silence looking lost.

This house is not good for me.

I'm triggered. I lost it briefly and just was away in a maelstrom of cuts and blood. Then back to reality and now I'm scared but most of all I'm lonely.

I did some sit ups instead of harming. But now I sit and I think if this forum and I think of who and what I am and I am nothing and I don't belong here or anywhere.

I'm never going to be better am I...............

[Sketchy]

You silly sausage, of course you belong here! I've seen you post here for a long time and people do care, like your advice, your humour and also want to help you in return.

How are you with leaving the house when things get bad? Is there anywhere you can go to keep you safe? What about more cycling? Obviously that can seem impossible when feeling low, but you seemed to get something from it. I panic badly and have depression, but somehow I feel safer if I'm out on my bike rather than just walking. I am also trying to accept I don't have the stamina others do, but a little bit of cycling does me good, although it's incredibly hard plucking up the courage and motivation.

It seems like you reached a good point before and perhaps you can get back there. Maybe this a relapse that you can recover from, even if it doesn't feel that way.

[Margo]

Thank you. I'm 44. It's 10 years this October it all went wrong. I'm ashamed of the time. I'm ashamed at how badly ive coped. I'm a man, not that I feel one, here again acting like a ****.

Sorry

[Sketchy]

I think we can all relate to that feeling of shame, but I think that can be part of being ill. Yes, you are a man, and a strong one at that. You have struggled with mental illness which I think in a way makes you stronger than what you give yourself credit for.

Never apologise for reaching out. I'm a hypocrite there because I often do that too, but it's ALWAYS ok to talk, reach out and post here.

[Margo]

Sunk again. So low. Can feel it all starting again

[effervescence]

xx...

[Margo]

So the ups and downs come and go, yet overall I am better. The anxiety is there and I can go from reasonable to the end of the world in moments. This upsets and unsettles me but at least I'm aware of it and that's good I guess.

Life at home is hard. I feel more and more unwelcome. There is nothing left for me here anymore.

I've lost all my depression weight from this year. My body has taken a battering though. I've injured myself cycling. Silly body.

Don't know why I'm writing really. I ok. But then last night I went over my own death hundreds of times. It's not scary anymore. It's just an inevitability.

But not today. Not till after holiday. Maybe I'll feel different after?

Do we all normalise suicide when we honk about it so much? Does the desensitisation happen to all? Is this normal? Do well minded people think like this or should it still be abhorrent?

I'm not sure I know what to think anymore.

[effervescence]

Do we all normalise suicide when we honk about it so much? Does the desensitisation happen to all? Is this normal? Do well minded people think like this or should it still be abhorrent?

Yes, I think many of us normalise suicide. I don't think well minded people think like this, as a general rule. I think it's normal for well people to have fleeting thoughts of "argh I don't want to do this any more" but they don't think about it in the way we do - the constant, calculating way.

[Margo]

So I saw a psychologist for some NHS therapies treatment. I've been accepted for Acceptance and commitment therapy. Not heard of it, but the lady was nice and seemed to listen. There's a 6 month waiting list. So I fell ill in the January asked for help in February and it could be April till I speak to someone. Better than nothing tho eh?

She said I seem very depressed. I thought I'd hidden it pretty well..

In e mean time I guess I'll be contacted to have some one to one anxiety stuff and some pushing to getting work perhaps? I dunno as the person co-ordinating it all is seemingly crap or maybe it's just the system.?

Oh and the psychiatrist is leaving also.

On a lighter note my dog is in agony, looked like he may have to be put down this morning but he's rallied and is hobbling about a little more. He's still very poorly.

I'm somehow blocking out the thought of him going. I just don't want hi to suffer. He saved my life once. I'm not sure I can cope thinking about it.

Well yup, I'm going for a bike ride.

[Sketchy]

That sounds like so much you are having to deal with. I'm sorry about your dog. That must be incredibly upsetting. I hope your team are helping and that you don't have to wait too long. As for the psychiatrist, it sucks when people leave and having to speak to someone new, but hopefully it will work out and a new perspective will help.

How did the cycling go? You have put me to shame. I need to fix my tyre and get out on my bike. Next week! I hope you had a good day on your bike. It's so hard to do these things when ill, but so important too, so we'll done.

[Margo]

Thank you. The team are totally all over the place. I don't really have a team. Communication is lacking. It's ipsetting and unsettling and I'm too daft to complain. But let's hope this is the start of it getting better eh?

My ride was painful. I rode yesterday after a month away in the warm and the cold shocked me and my knees. So today I rode softly and then I just died and crawled home. Well not exactly crawled but it was tough.

So now I'm sat with sore knees. Being old is pants!

[Sketchy]

I totally get what you mean about communication. I was exasperated at an appointment because they don't seem to talk or pass important info on. Like you, I also won't complain. Very infuriating! I do hope it is the start of it getting better and being on the waiting list is a step in the right direction.

Cycling was painful, but you did it!!! Do you think when your knees have recovered you could do it again? Give yourself time to recover and rest though.

[Margo]

Yeah I'll go out on Thursday. Will have extra knee warmers on ;p

Sat thinking about my assessment today. It was weird. I've had many many many years of therapy and a few therapists and she was the most provocative. I guess because she was fishing for reaction to assess but it's upset me more than I thought.

I know I'm depressed but to have a therapist say that shook me. Funny I guess.

Not quite sure why its making my eyes leak though

[Eir]

*hugs*
I've avoided therapy for so long now I'd forgotten what that was like, the up-front "you seem depressed" and the obvious lack of communication between the care team.
Her being up front about it may actually be good. It's got you thinking again, yeah you're upset, but perhaps it's enough to get your therapy off the plateau and restart the uphill to recovery.
I dunno, maybe I'm just full of it, or just being dumb. She could be what you need tho.
Lack of communication sucks tho. I got so sick of treating GPs not reading my file then asking why I was on epilim or why I needed an anti psychotic (this was within my general doctors practice), even when I was there for a medical certificate for the flu. Ended up settling on one gp (who communicated with the psychiatrist when I was actively seeing him, and actually read my autobiography of my mental health, and still remembers important info from it) and blatantly telling any others that I'm not there to discuss my mental health (still need to occasionally book someone else for med certs, the gp who handles my head can take up to 2weeks to see). So i can imagine how much worse it could be if it were between disciplines when some therapists tout one way, others another and the psych says this and your gp says that.
Glad you are riding again. Look after them knees and I'll try to send the next warm weather we get your way. So you miss Australia :p

[Margo]

Wow so low today. Out of the blue I think but I'm not sure?

Tired of this. So tired of this.

[Eir]

*HUGS*
Thinking of you.

[Margo]

It's January again and almost a year since things went pear shaped.

I feel better and after reading the earlier posts it's shocking what I thought was trivial.

The scars are still very visible and big. My brain has definitely been affected by the large amounts of *^%#} I was taking.

I've been epretty good over Christmas. Only one day where I went off the rails and found myself in my friends garage searching for 'something'.

I scare those who love me most and that makes me feel awful. I really am sorry for that but, as many will know, at the time I thought I was doing the right thing.

I don't know where this year will take me? I guess I'll have an idea when I get back home late next week.

I'm terrified to move on because I'm so scared to fail. I'm also scared to succeed.

I'd love to be fully well and brave but I'd also love to have one more bad cut and one more week of oblivion.

I can't keep hiding forever though, right!?!

[Sefka]

I think you're brave.

[Mrs Sam]

Sending love xxx

[Margo]

Thank you. Just the few words mean a lot. Bit fragile tonight.

[Mrs Sam]

I hope last night was ok for you. What do you have for when night times are hard? Anything you like to do? Go out and look at the stars? Nighttime bike ride?

[Margo]

Last night wasn't bad, I'd just been a **** and upset C and was licking my wounds.

My problem Sam is I've lost all the things in my life that were holding me together. I left the farm and left the thing I loved most in life (bacon) and the voluntary stuff ground to an end too. So from being busy I went to fek all and now I'm in the omg I can't do anything ever again mode.

I've got an appointment with Mht on Monday to discuss volunteering again. They've let me say I don't know wha to do but I need a push.

I've started smoking again too after 10 years. I'm such an idiot.

I miss C and I just want to be with her.

[Mrs Sam]

Smoking isn't the be all and end all in this.

Don't forget, although you had support at the end of the day you created those opportunities for yourself. You took the opportunity and ran with it. Made it into something bigger. You don't seem to give yourself credit for what you created.

I'm pleased you're looking into more opportunities. There'll be more out there that can help you thrive if you're willing to let it.

Call C. Text her. Tell her you love her and you're a silly sausage.

[Margo]

Thank you Sam. You're right. I don't give myself credit especially what I achieved.

I want to get back to charcuterie I just don't know how.

Xxx

[Mrs Sam]

Could your team help you get back in touch? Or you could send an email if you don't feel like calling. Even asking to visit and say hello to people. Just to see what things are like without actually asking to go back.

[Margo]

I'm not sure. I'd not go back to the farm and I'm not sure where else. Well, maybe one but I may be leaving the area.

[Mrs Sam]

Well then leaving the area will bring about new opportunities. You can use your experience at the farm to help you in new ventures.