Going into hospital

[Wellingtons]

Had my last thread deleted as I was afraid of social services getting involved. But I've just seen the crisis team and my CPN and I'm going into hospital today.

[chinahorse]

I hope it helps x

[ironholly]

Do be afread there there to help you i hope it does help and you feel better soon

[Fire Fly]

I really hope hospital helps. Have you been admitted before. I'm sorry I don't know what your other thread said so I may be repeating things. How are you feeling about it?

[random.swirls]

I'm really glad your getting help

I hope the fact you are being taken seriously shows that your ill and it isn't that your an evil mother

[Wellingtons]

The local mother and baby unit is full so I'm being sent to one quite far away. Unfortunately because of this there's a load of paperwork to do and I won't be taken there till tomorrow. But my husband is at home today to help me.

Firefly- I was in a mother and baby unit with my first son.

[Moonlight Princess]

I hope going to hospital helps. It is a shame that it's far away but hopefully your husband can still come and visit quite regularly.

[when.will.it.end]

Good luck, I hope you get the help you need.

[Wellingtons]

I'm really worried about going in. I don't want to go. I'm worried that they're going to say there's nothing wrong with me, that I'm just a bad mum. I'm scared about being left to do all the baby care all day and night - at least at home I get help from my husband. My husband is missing time off work and important training courses and paying for childcare whilst I'm in hospital and I'm worried it's going to be a massive waste of time.

[Cacoethes]

I don't know what your local mum and baby unit is like, but at the one I was at, they helped out a hell of a lot with caring for the baby. Even with me and I wasn't unwell at the time. They should help you.
I very much doubt they will think you're a bad mum.
You've been unwell in the past, you've suffered post natal illness before as well, they see it day in, day out and they wouldn't even be referring you there if they just thought you were a bad mum, they are very specialist units and they don't just send people there for the hell of it.

I hope they can help you. Try and work with them. You got better before, you can do it again.
x

[Wellingtons]

Thanks. I'm just afraid. I had such a bad experience last time, I want to stay at home. I'm scared :(

[Aubergine]

Hopefully a different hospital will mean a better experience. Even with the same hospital, with the turnover rate of care staff, it would likely be a lot of different people there. You're doing the right thing by going in.

[Wellingtons]

I don't mean the hospital was bad, just my state of mind and the memories of it. My trust are having to fund the bed out of the area so as soon as a bed in the local mabu comes available I'll be transferred

[Aubergine]

Oh, I see. Sorry for the misunderstanding. *hug*

Yes, I know what you mean. I have bad memories of hospitals too, through not fault of hospital staff. It's a really tough situation to be in. It's the best place for you to receive intensive support though, which will mean you can get better and back to the rest of your family as quickly as possible.

[Snow White.]

I know it's scary but things are so difficult and draining at home for you, and getting quite scary there also so I hope once you're in you find it to be helpful and can get some rest, too. You deserve to feel better and you're not a bad mother. Wishing you all the best xxxx

[Wellingtons]

Still at home, CPN is waiting to hear back from the consultant whether I can have the bed.

[sherlock holmes]

Have you heard?

[Wellingtons]

My CPN rang my husband not long ago - she's really angry. There's got to be a board meeting between my NHS trust and the one that the MABU is in about whether they will fund an out of area bed, she's been chasing it up all day and has even cancelled meetings with other patients. In the meantime we've come to stay with his mum who is looking after the boys for us. The meeting should be tomorrow morning so we should know then.

She says it's 99% certain I'll get the bed, but if I don't then I'll have to go into the general psych ward in our area until a bed in the local MABU comes free, which is a nightmare as 1) I don't want to do that as it's full of really ill people and 2) it'd make childcare a nightmare for my husband. He has to attend meetings etc with work and has managed to work from home this week but needs to be back in on Monday.

I agreed to going into the out of area MABU bed as luckily it's only 5 miles from my mother in laws, so she can visit me which will be nice.

I've written down all my thoughts and feelings in case I clam up when I see the new consultant which I usually do.

So for tonight my husband has all the contact details for the crisis team etc, but i'm fine, just having a drink with the MIL and getting a take out. MIL and her partner have put the boys to bed for us. My husband has been really good with the baby which has made me feel a lot better.

[Wellingtons]

Husband has just told me that CPN said if we weren't at my MILs then she would have got me to go into the general psych ward to give him a break. But we're doing fine here.

[Wellingtons]

Sorry, MABU = mother and baby unit, MIL = mother in law

[Wellingtons]

Yes I'm just shattered and not looking forward to another disturbed night. I'm struggling to sleep because of the anxiety about going into the unit, and it seems that just as soon as I've dropped off the baby wakes up.

[Wellingtons]

As coincidences go a friend of mine had her baby the exact same day as me (we bumped into each other in the labour ward!). Her baby sleeps 7pm-7am. Yet mine wakes up all the bloody time.

[Wellingtons]

My husband offers to do the night feeds but I feel too guilty so we kind of share them. I've got diazepam but I don't like taking them because they make me too tired to wake up to do the night feeds, same reason I stopped my chlorpromazine in the first place. Psychiatrist wanted me on zopiclone, but again it makes it impossible to wake up in the night to do the feeds.

[Wellingtons]

No I'm bottle feeding. I just feel guilty because my husband helps out as much as he can, and I have a lot of mum friends who are sleep deprived and cope so why can't I.

[random.swirls]

Because your not well I wonder if you had a physical illness would you feel the same pressures?

[Wellingtons]

Well I'm here, just waiting to see the doctor

[Wellingtons]

Seen the doctor, it was easier talking to him than I was worried about. He confirmed my bipolar diagnosis and wants me started on a relatively high dose of lithium tonight. I'm not really happy being here, I do like being around other people who are mentally unwell and I miss home.

[when.will.it.end]

I know admissions are hard but I think it's probably what you need right now. Don't feel bad for needing to take a break, there is no shame in it. Can your husband come and visit you? Being around other people who are ill can be difficult. I hope you're coping ok with it.

[Wellingtons]

Sorry, that was meant to say I don't like being around other people who are unwell!

[Snow White.]

Thinking of you. I know it is hard being in that position but hopefully you can get some rest and feel better and be able to go back home feeling safer xx

[Wellingtons]

Anyone about? Having a bit of a bad night, really stressed and anxious. Sat with the nurses but I'm probably annoying them as trying so hard to be upbeat and positive I can't stop talking rubbish

[Wellingtons]

Hi, just lots of thoughts over spilling. I didn't take my PRN tonight because I hate how groggy it makes me in the morning so now I can't sleep even though I'm shattered. Just had a long chat with a nurse and opened up. Ward round is at 12.30 tomorrow which I'm really nervous about

[sherlock holmes]

How did ward round go?

[random.swirls]

How are things going?

Opening up sounds really positive etc.

[Wellingtons]

Thanks Auror, your message was really touching and helped a lot.

Ward round was hard as there were a lot of people there, so some left to make it easier for me. It was upsetting talking to the doctor as generally I try to stay positive and not dwell on things if I can help it and verbalising my feelings is hard.

[Wellingtons]

I'm going to ask to go stay with my family tomorrow for the weekend

[Wellingtons]

Hi, I got weekend leave. But it's not really like proper leave because I was staying with my husband at my mother in laws so had a lot of help with the children. But I feel better for it. Go back today.

[Wellingtons]

Suddenly got a dread fear of going back, won't get to see my husband until next Friday, unless a local bed comes up.

[Wellingtons]

Feeling really low about still being here. The doctor said I can't have overnight leave until I'm doing the night feeds myself, but the medication knocks me out and makes me really groggy. So I'm starting to try do the feeds myself, but they'll only let me start from 5am, so if he wakes anytime before then the nurses will feed him. So it's really slow going. I definitely get to go stay at my mother in laws on the weekend again though which is great.

[tiptoes]

Can you negogiate starting earlier e.g 3 days of starting from 5 then review if that goes ok 3 days starting at 4 etc. It might be easier if you know you have a vague time table and/or know when it is going to be reviewed.

It is good that you get to stay with your mother-in-law at the weekend.

Is there anyone you can talk to about how you are feeling?

Sending best wishes.

[Wellingtons]

Tiptoes- that's the plan, start at 5 then go earlier. Perhaps take a lower dose of medication at night. Although last night my baby slept through, 7-7! So fingers crossed it wasn't a fluke and he keeps it up.

I Had a bad day yesterday but feeling much better today, had a shower and washed my hair so feeling refreshed. And I've been taken off constant obs with the baby and put onto close which means I can have him in my room now, although he'll still sleep in the nursery at night.

Still waiting for a bed to come up in the town near my home so I can have proper leave at home. One came up last week but it was filled straight away, but my CPN says they know I'm waiting.

[Wellingtons]

Well had a lovely weekend break at my mother in laws and now back on the ward. Ward round tomorrow so hopefully I'll get to have leave in the week to my mother in laws, then if a bed comes up at home I wi be able to have leave at home.

[Aubergine]

I'm really glad that you had a lovely weekend. You deserve it. I hope ward round goes well tomorrow and that you get some mid-week leave with your mother in law. *hug*

[Wellingtons]

Thank you :)

[random.swirls]

Sounds like things are going well :)

Hopefully a bed will become available soon xox

[Wellingtons]

Just having a read back over the thread and wanted to thank everyone for their kind wishes, sorry I haven't thanked you before but my head was a bit all over the place.

[Snow White.]

Hey, I just wanted to say I'm really proud of you for being in the hospital and working on this and getting the help you need. I know it is hard and some days will be better than others, but what you are doing takes such strength and I'm so proud of you. Each step forward counts. xx

[HildaOgden]

how's it going? I hope it's helping being in the mabu. any news on a bed nearer home yet?
x

[Wellingtons]

Thanks snow White.

I'm Ok, baby is a bit poorly and off his milk. About to do some baking with the OT woman. Had a bit of a cry last night after talking to my husband.

A bed has come up in the MABU nearer to home, going there tomorrow morning! Bit apprehensive as I had a few problems with staff last time I was in, mainly focused around the care of my baby. Times when they left him screaming and when I was knocked out on meds and a certain member of staff wouldn't help me with his care. But its 3 years since I was last in and staff may have changed, although everyone who speaks to the Unit says they've mentioned they remember me!

[tiptoes]

I am glad they have found you a bed closer to home. I hope things continue to improve for you.
Sending best wishes.

[Wellingtons]

Well I'm here, and all the other patients are out on leave so I'm the only one here! Which is a bit weird. All the staff remember me and my eldest son from last time we were in.

[crazykat]

I hope this stay is better for you this time around, thinking of you. All the best

[random.swirls]

Hope the new ward is good and your settling in

[Wellingtons]

So it's quite nice being back on the same ward I was on 3 years ago. But I'm struggling quite a bit. However the doctor made me feel better today because he said I'm quite poorly and they need to take the responsibility from me, which is a bit of a relief.

I'm A bit worried that I'm not feeling better already as I've been on the lithium for 3 weeks now and I've always responded well to it in the past.

Got 6-8 hours escorted leave.

[Aubergine]

I'm sorry you're struggling. It's good that they're being supportive on the ward.

I can understand that worry. Perhaps things need tinkering.

Leave sounds nice.

*hug*

[Wellingtons]

Thanks :)

I Was telling the doctor how I have urges to not take my medication in the hope I go manic, but he said 75% of the time when patients with bipolar come off their meds they get depressed, which is quite interesting.

[Wellingtons]

Really struggling. It's 3.30am and I'm still awake. I'm wracking my brain trying to make the right decision. for various reasons I feel like it's time to say goodbye. Only now I'm not so sure about bringing my baby with me, I'm so torn over trying to decide what to do. I've been put onto level 4 obs which mean I can go out by myself. I'm thinking of catching the bus into town, taking an overdose and then heading to the multi storey car park. I just don't know whether to take my baby with me. If I bring him then I have to definitely do it or go back to the ward because I can only take 2 bottles with me, so we can only be out for 8 hours before I need to sterilise his bottles, find a kettle etc. but if I don't bring him, I don't have that weighing on me.

I just walked down the hall towards the living room with the intention of talking to the nurse but she just told me to walk more quietly (?!) so I bottled it.

This is just getting bloody ridiculous. I don't have a future, I need to let it go now before it drags on any longer. I can't be the wife and mother I need to be. I'm Almost angry with my husband for putting me in this position, for thinking he could 'fix' me. My uncle and step mother killed themselves, I know it's not a decision taken lightly. I know it'll hurt my husband, I feel bad for that. But I just can't see a future for us.

[Wellingtons]

My husband is coming to visit me today so I might try talking to him.

[keep_it_together]

Please keep trying to hold on! However bad things seem at the moment, the right treatment can turn everything around even when it feels like you've lost hope. I'm sure many of us can relate to your words and how you're feeling right now but you need to just stop yourself going anywhere near the multi-story car parks when you feel this way, try to keep safe and tell the nurses you're feeling this way!

[sherlock holmes]

Please tell the nurses how you feel. Don't keep it to yourself, you're in hospital for a reason and the more you keep talking the better you'll eventually feel. Plus if you don't tell them how low you feel they can't give you the right help.

I hope the visit with your husband goes well, perhaps if you feel like you can't tell the staff by yourself, your husband could support you in that.

[Wellingtons]

Thanks both x

I had a bit of a chat and a cry with the nurse, although I denied feeling suicidal. Whilst I don't feel better I think I'm less desperate, and feel so low I can't face going out anyway. Although I need to as I need nappies.

[Wellingtons]

The nurse wouldn't let me go out unescorted anyway, which is a bit of a relief as it took the decision out of my hands. Of course I know long term this isn't a solution and I need to just get on with living, or get on with dying.

I didn't sleep at all last night, was wide awake until my baby woke at 6am. At 10.30am the nurse gave me some PRN and sent me to bed, and I sle for 45 minutes. My physical health isn't great, I have low iron, low folic acid and an over active thyroid. I've been referred to an endocrinologist.

[crazykat]

How are things? I hope you have managed to get some rest

[Pomegranate]

Thinking of you. Hope the mirtazapine helps. Seems like you're trying really hard.

[Wellingtons]

Thank you that means a lot x

Sorry just getting a bit confused as I have two threads running, so I should pick one to stick with I guess.

Took my first dose of mirtazapine last night and its made me woozy all day. Except now I feel a bit pissed off, but that could just be due to the fact I've had to come back to the ward and the other two patients are still on leave!

This place is awful, the patients kitchen is just full of sandwiches, yoghurts, biscuits, sometimes cake, as well as loads of fruit and loads of different types of cereal. I've got two conditions that mean I should be losing weight, but there's not a chance in here!

Two staff members have told me I'm better than I was last time, so I don't know what I'm doing here. Obviously I know my thoughts are bad, and I guess they have to be careful with the baby, so I suppose I should be grateful they're not sending me home and get social services to take my baby away.

I'm trying really hard to be upbeat and put on a brave face, I can manage it until I talk to someone (nurse/doctor ) then I just get a bit wobbly and start crying.

[Serendipity.]

I really hope the mirtazapine helps. How are you feeling today? I think having to be there when the other patients are on leave is a completely understandable reason to feel pissed off!

It's positive that they think you're doing better than last time. That doesn't mean you are okay or you don't need to be there, but it is progress and hopefully it means things will get better more quickly.

Being upbeat is good, but being able to talk about how you're feeling is good too. Nothing wrong with crying either!