faerie88
06-01-2015, 11:58 PM
I have a deep seething hate for aspects of my personality... especially that when my anxiety is at it's worst I can be the neediest person in the world and, when my depression is at it's worst, I can just lie in bed all day and achieve nothing!
I am trying so hard to change and I have made a lot of progress but I am sick of this constant battle to 'improve' myself.... and then I always fall back into old habits so I don't even know if I can change all that much because some things, whether I like them or not, seem to be part of my wiring...
It doesn't help that others have criticised me for the exact same things I hate in myself, even new people who I've met who didn't know that I had a complex about these things already!!!
I just want to know how I can love myself.... there is a horrible voice in my head which is pure evil telling me that I'm **** and putting me down always and it's my own voice saying those things to me.... so I'm living inside my own head in a brain which doesn't do what I want it to do and can't be the strong amazing confident person I think I should be...
And I'm sick of hearing constant **** about how I'm in control and I can choose my state of mind and being told to chill out or to relax etc etc... I'm not choosing to hyperventilate or to have hallucinations or panic attacks or my brain just go insane for no reason or to lie in bed for hours feeling agonising pain ripping through my chest or for my head to be cloudy and **** so I can't take part in the things I live for like writing and music....
I'm just in a constant fight with myself and, try as I might, I just can't stop these things from happening and, though I've changed some small stuff, the bigger ****'s still there... it's so unfair!! And even worse is that I've lost friends and partners because they found my behaviour draining and distressing, which it is- but if they found it draining / distressing, think how it is for me!
I am just such a mess and have tried to love myself now for years but I'm not getting anywhere.... infact the battle with my own brain has gotten so much worse lately :(
Help please?
I am trying so hard to change and I have made a lot of progress but I am sick of this constant battle to 'improve' myself.... and then I always fall back into old habits so I don't even know if I can change all that much because some things, whether I like them or not, seem to be part of my wiring...
It doesn't help that others have criticised me for the exact same things I hate in myself, even new people who I've met who didn't know that I had a complex about these things already!!!
I just want to know how I can love myself.... there is a horrible voice in my head which is pure evil telling me that I'm **** and putting me down always and it's my own voice saying those things to me.... so I'm living inside my own head in a brain which doesn't do what I want it to do and can't be the strong amazing confident person I think I should be...
And I'm sick of hearing constant **** about how I'm in control and I can choose my state of mind and being told to chill out or to relax etc etc... I'm not choosing to hyperventilate or to have hallucinations or panic attacks or my brain just go insane for no reason or to lie in bed for hours feeling agonising pain ripping through my chest or for my head to be cloudy and **** so I can't take part in the things I live for like writing and music....
I'm just in a constant fight with myself and, try as I might, I just can't stop these things from happening and, though I've changed some small stuff, the bigger ****'s still there... it's so unfair!! And even worse is that I've lost friends and partners because they found my behaviour draining and distressing, which it is- but if they found it draining / distressing, think how it is for me!
I am just such a mess and have tried to love myself now for years but I'm not getting anywhere.... infact the battle with my own brain has gotten so much worse lately :(
Help please?