I don't know what to do with this.

[Auror.]

I'm stuck. I don't know how to stop the same thing from happening over and over again, but professional support doesn't seem to be something I can engage with in a way that they think is acceptable. I can try but it doesn't seem to be enough. I am pretty sure I am going to actually have to kill myself this time, instead of just trying to do enough to hold it off. But I have a dog now and I can't just leave her alone. Plus I am supposed to start school again in another week or so and my mother has forwarded my resume to a friend of hers who may be looking to hire me for a job. Which is also why I have to be dead instead of just in hospital for a day or two.

I stupidly decided to email the doctor lady (psychologist? i think) that I was seeing for a bit. I did not expect a response but now I got one and I don't know what to do with it or how to respond. If I should even bother. I don't seem capable of working with them to the extent they want. There is too much I literally am not allowed to talk about and I don't know how to communicate things properly.

This was her reply:
You are welcome to see me again. However, as we discussed in our last meeting, your participation in treatment would need to be significantly different than it has been in the past. We discussed how we would need to be able to talk about your self-harm and mood concerns, agree to terms of treatment, and work actively toward reducing your self-harm.

If you feel that this is something you'd like to try with me, I'm happy to see you again. This would also be the terms of seeing any other provider in our work group, so if these terms are not agreeable to you, we would need to talk about other agencies/resources that might be helpful to you.

I am out of the office likely until 1-12-15, but if you'd like to schedule an appointment for when I'm back in the office, please let me know.


Can anyone offer any advise? I am sorry for making another post. I really don't know how to stop this and I don't know what to do.

Thank you.

<3

[Pi.R^2]

She does sound a little abrupt!

Is she aware that there are things that you don't feel you are allowed to talk about? She does also mention talking about other agencies/resources that might be helpful to you, so I'd say it's worth meeting with her again, to explain why it is difficult for you to engage on her terms and to see if any of the alternatives would be better for you.

[Ballerina123]

What is it that you find difficult to engage with? Is it that you're not yet ready to work on reducing self harm?

I think it would be worth meeting with her again and explaining how you feel and see if you can both come up with something that might help even if it is accessing other resources.

[Auror.]

She does sound a little abrupt!

Is she aware that there are things that you don't feel you are allowed to talk about? She does also mention talking about other agencies/resources that might be helpful to you, so I'd say it's worth meeting with her again, to explain why it is difficult for you to engage on her terms and to see if any of the alternatives would be better for you.

I have tried to explain in the past, but I think she thinks my wording is inappropriate and that I just don't want to talk about things. Not that I literally am not allowed and cannot. I have said that I choose my words carefully and that I am aware of the difference, and that is why I say it how I do. But then I really can't explain why I am not allowed to talk about things, and there is very little in terms of self harm stuff that I am allowed to say.

I already know her alternatives, and they are really not suitable options. There is a women's rape and domestic abuse place, psychiatric emergency services which is where you go in crisis or if you show up at the hospital, and a community organisation that I am not allowed to use.


What is it that you find difficult to engage with? Is it that you're not yet ready to work on reducing self harm?

I think it would be worth meeting with her again and explaining how you feel and see if you can both come up with something that might help even if it is accessing other resources.


It's not that I would not like to reduce my self harm. It's that I am unable to speak about many of the things she asks or wants to know. For example she asked once what it felt like for me physically when I got anxious. I had no idea how to answer. Justin was there and answered easily, even she answered easily. I just got confused and had no idea. So even things like that, that perhaps I would be able to talk about, I get mixed up and confused and just shut down. As I said in Jenna's reply, her other resources are essentially useless to me.




I emailed her back and attempted to explain that I do want to work on things but I am not allowed to speak about certain things, but that was likely irrelevant because I won't meet her standards. Then apologised for wasting her time. So I assume that is pretty much that.

Oh well. Thank you both. <3

[Too Shy]

That sounds like a really difficult situation to be in, when you do need that support and you're asking for help.

I don't know if this would be a possibility, but would she be willing to try to help you work towards talking about some of those things, by helping you to express your feelings through other means of communication to start with? E.g. would you be able to talk about things more by writing them down so that you don't get so mixed up and confused? Or expressing yourself and communicating how things feel with pictures to begin with, and then trying to put some of it into words? (E.g. things like the 'blob cards'?)

Take care, and I hope you are able to get some support. x

[Snow White.]

What would happen if you talked about the things you say you're not allowed to talk about?

Please keep holding on xxx

[Auror.]

That sounds like a really difficult situation to be in, when you do need that support and you're asking for help.

I don't know if this would be a possibility, but would she be willing to try to help you work towards talking about some of those things, by helping you to express your feelings through other means of communication to start with? E.g. would you be able to talk about things more by writing them down so that you don't get so mixed up and confused? Or expressing yourself and communicating how things feel with pictures to begin with, and then trying to put some of it into words? (E.g. things like the 'blob cards'?)

Take care, and I hope you are able to get some support. x

Thanks, Liv. I don't think she would be able to do that. She wanted me to write some things down before and I did that but then she wanted me to read it aloud to her, which I was too uncomfortable doing. I am ok with her reading it but then I am really not good at discussing things from there. I would essentially need to just have a laptop or notebook or something and maybe I could write out answers to her questions instead of speaking, but that would also require me time to get thoughts together, and essentially render going pointless.


What would happen if you talked about the things you say you're not allowed to talk about?

Please keep holding on xxx

I would have to kill myself. Which I already have to do.

[Snow White.]

If you already "have to", why not tell someone what is going on and see if they can help before you have to kill your self?

We would be sad to lose you, I know I would x
Please hold on while we try and work through this xxx

[Auror.]

The longer I put it off the more likely I will have to do other things too, which I definitely want to avoid. I don't honestly see how there is a way to work through it when I am clearly unable to do anything about it. I'm likely not making sense. Sorry for being difficult.

[Snow White.]

You don't want to do the other things and that makes sense. Just wondering, Do you also really want to kill yourself?

Is there a reason you're clearly unable to do anything about it?

I don't think you're being difficult and sorry to hound you with questions but I'm trying to understand xx

[Auror.]

I do and I don't. But it doesn't really matter because I have to anyways.

I can't do anything about it because being dead is the only way any of it will go away and everything else will be ok. And since I don't want to have to do the other things, it is better to get it over with.

I am unsure I am even explaining well.

[Snow White.]

You've had these thoughts before and have ended up still alive, why do you think that is?

Why are you unable to talk about it? Sorry if I've missed that
I haven't experienced this before so I'm not the best person to try and help you, sorry :(

[Auror.]

I have started to do it then semi panicked because I don't want to but have to and stop, and then tell the people at the hospital I was just trying to sleep, since I was not trying to kill myself.

There are rules of what I am and am not allowed to talk about.

It's ok. Thank you. <3

[Morpheus]

Have you ever tried breaking the rules? Or at least questioning or challenging them? Surely if you need to ve dead either way there is no harm in trying to challenge them.

As i see it, if you dont challenge it ever, there is no way of knowing if whatever is making the rules is lying to you. Whether something bad will actually happen or not.

Also i can see where the psychologist is coming from but have been on your side of things as well so know how frustrating it is when you really are trying. I think it is also about learnibg to see it as a safe place where it is actually possible to challenge the rules with help and a person who can ask the right questions and help you see things from a different point of view. It is scary as hell but it also makes it posdible to move forward if you want and is ready.

[Auror.]

I have, yes. It's generally resulted in having to severely harm myself. If I have not bad things have happened to others whom I am close with as a result.

[Morpheus]

Well personally i think that bad things happening to others is completely unrelated to that and this way of thinking is part og why you need to talk to the psychologist. I also think that you need another person to put things into perspective when challenging the rules. If you dont challenge these things you will never get better which i think is probably one of your psychologists reasonings for saying what she does.

I often have convictions of me being the cause of certain things however talking to others helps convince me that these things are completely unrelated to me. Regardless of what i am being told in messages and by voices. It is a scary process where you carry a ton of guilt for a long time but at some point, having others input and reasonings as to why this cant be and saying no to whoever makes the rules do pay off. You have to take control back. It is your life and you decide if you have to self harm or not and a psychologist can help you take vack control.

I used to be completely unable to talk about things. I would shut down, my voices would get so loud a couldnt concentrate on a conversation and i would ve bombarded with commands of punishments after. However with time and finding the right treatment team it has gotten a lot better and by having their support it has allowed me to challenge these things and learning that it doesnt necessarily result in bad things happening and even though i was told to self harm or kill myself, not doing it didnt make my parents drop down dead, get ill or similar. The more i challenged the voices i had, the mire i realised that it wasnt as dangerous as i thought.

I had to make some changes in life in connection with this like avoiding news as i would get messages of how plane crashes or similar was caused by me and it was usually in the news the secret messages came. Its sometimes about realising what things can you do to protect yourself from getting overwhelmed and convinced of these things when you challenge commands. It is a long process and a lot if time its about sotting through these periods where you believe it. Remove yourself from whatever is tempting to do like od. Maybe go for a walk with your new dog when it gets overwhelming. Use her in s positive way to avoid doing these dangerous things. Focus on how she can help you and how you help her instead of feeling guilt for getting her.

I find pets a great way to keep my anxiety down. If they are not scared its likely there isnt anything to be scared of rather in my head and having them close, feeling their warm body can be sort of a grounding tecnique for me. Like my cat purring in my arms. is also comforting and safe having him around and he can feel whenever something is off with me. It was the same with my dog at my parents before he passed.

Use the oppertunities you have. A psycholigist can be a safe place to challenge rhings little by little and o help you see things differently. Whoever makes the rules for you want to isolate you. That is the whole point. If you stand alone they have much more power over you. You are a harry potter fan. Can you remember what luna says to harry while feeding the thestrals about voldemort? It may fit in your situation as well.

You can be told many things but it does not make them true. I could tell you that all trees in rhe world are purple and if you deny it the worlds population would die in horrible ways and chaos would rake over. It wouldnt be true though just like it is not true that if you do not obey, something bad will happen. And no one has the right to decide if another person should die or not nwhatever their reasonings.

Perhaps instead of focus on what you cant talk about with the psychologist, write to her about what you can for now and tell her that in time, when more trust is build you are willing to try to look further into other things and let her help you challenge things in a much safer way and listen to her ideas of things and why you experience what you do. Turn it all around a bit cause right now i see a lit if cant and am not allowed. Then focus on what you can say abd then move further from there. It is also a process of learning how to use a psychologist. It is often not as easy as one would think nor is it supposef to be easy. If it was easy you would probably have no need of going.

Its a challenge and will rip up in old things. It will make you anxious and sad and terrible sometimes but it is often also one of the best ways to move forward. As you wont take meds which i completely respect, then it is one of the only ways for you. But it means that you have to talk abput things you may not want to or be allowed to talk about. But not all at once. However you have to start with something and show you are willing to try. And if ypu feel unsafe after, you are allowed to say that so you can discuss how you can be safe once you leave and possible put things in place to make that possible.

Use her for what she is for. Think about where tou can start, what you can talk about for now and tell her that. Instead of focusing on all tou cant talk about brhst may, in her eyes, seems like slready now you are putting up limitations snd reasons why not to talk to her and that would make her concerned again on whether she can help at all and it makes you seem not very open about seeing her again. Tell her that some of the things you need to slowly move towards for you to ve safe but that you in time will be willing to try to look into these things you are not alliwed to talk about in a safe way. And that by that time it might be helpful for you to have things like a crisis plan written down to follow, ready. What you can do yourself to not act on these rules and if you are not able to be safe on tour own, who to contact etc.

Personally i use my hobbies as a way if distracting and calming myself. I build lego for example or do jigsaw puzzles. For me thats like therapy. I listen to classical music or play my cello. I read if i am able to or watch disney cartoons. Take a hot shower to relax, go gor a walk to get away from the situation. Paint or draw, sit with my cat. If its summer i sit on the balcony and listen to everything around me. The birds, cars etc. I focus on the smells around me. I bake as a distraction as well. I lie under my weighed duvet etc.

By now all these things is something i do without thinking much about it once i feel unsafe and triggered or anxious. It has become very effective. Where i before would just self harm badly straight away it is now rare that i actually get to that as i have many other coping mechanisms put in place. It is up for you personally to find put what works for you. But you need to tell yourself that od is not the only option. And with time you will learn that it is not necessary at all and that bad things wont happen if you dont do it. I would definitely see your dog as a reason not to od. She needs you. You were the one who got her and that means she is your responsibility and that she bonds to you which it great. It also means that you cant just od or die as that would affect her. Instead use her to help you get through the urges to do this. For me my pets are a great motivation not to act on what i get told. They need me. I bought them. I have no right to leave them behind. Instead when i feel overwhelmed or triggered i sit with my cat who is very social and is very attached to me and it helps convince me that it would not be the right choice to leave them just because my voices are telling me to.

Instead of feeling guilt for getting your dog, focus on all the positives you can do for each other. And put her before your need to od. Take her for a walk, cuddle her, play with her. See how much she enjoy your company. You have lots to offer her and you cannot leave her behind to go back to the shelter. So use that to motivate you into nor acting on these things and enjoy ypur new friend instead of feeling guilt. You will both benefit from it and grow even closer.

Use the orher rhings you have interest for to get through things. It os not a matter of having to od the moment the urge or commad or whatever it is arrives. Instead of thinking about how you can od, how many pills you need to fet etc. think about what you can do to not od and the reasons why ypu shouldnt rather than why you should. Turn the situation around. You may find it more helpful than you think even though it is hard. But by trying to change your mindset you slso prove to the psychologist that you are doing one of the rhings she require. Working on reducing self harm.

I also find that if you word things right, you can get around many of the rules and work on things without saying specifics you are not allowed to say but still working on some of the things it is about. That you perhaps manipulate who make the rules ang get around them without directly breaking them. At least that has helped me. So when they tell me that bad things will happen or to punish myself for it, i can reason and convince myself that technically i did not break the specific rules. Like for years i refrained from talking about the voices as i wasnt allowed. So when people started asking into it instead of talking about the voices i talked about how i reacted and felt about some of these things without telling specific of what they told me. I dont know if it makes sense vwhat i try to say is i found holes in their rules that alliwed me to say some things that were important without actually breaking the rules and could therefore reason that though they got angry it would not mean that i had to punish myself as i broke no rule of theirs.

I think these are things a osychologist could really help you with and in time it does get easier to talk about things. But maybe consider what you can talk abput and work from there. Put down words on a paper to help you remember what you wanted to talk about but without writing a letter. Just some headlines snd then go from there. Make clear that sometimes you need a bit if time to find the right response to her questions and if you cant find one she coyld perhaps help you look at it differently as its easy to get stuck in 'i dont know the answer' and start panicking which makes it even more impossible.

I dont know if this is helpful for you but these are things i found has helped me. The modt important thing for me regarding being able to talk was instead of focusing on all the things i couldnt say or do i would think of what CAN i do instead then. How can i communicate then, wgat can i say where we still address important issues in my life. By that building trust and then feeling more comfortable going against the rules that had been set for me and challenge the rhings i was told by my voices. Realising that maybe they had orher interests than the ones they said they had. Msybe they have their own hidden agenda.

I hope this i somewhat helpful.

[Snow White.]

Anna has helped to verbalise things that I couldnt do so eloquently, I really hope you're able to consider what she has said, particularly about working to challenge and question the rules and belief of causing bad things.

Even this hasn't been eloquent, sorry x

[Pi.R^2]

Anna's response is absolutely wonderful, so I hope that you find it really helpful!

I just wanted to add an idea- could you talk about these things if it were anonymous? Like under a second account or even on a different site? That way the reader wouldn't link the information in your writing to you, so it wouldn't really be like you talking about things at all. You could even talk in the third person and put it as creative writing so the reader wouldn't necessarily know it was a factual account. Obviously we'd much prefer being able to talk through it with you here, but I just wondered if a first step might be to get some anonymous feedback about the rules that you feel bound by at the moment.

I don't think I made a lot of sense there, I just wondered if something along those lines might be a way around the rules?

[Auror.]

I'm glad things have gotten better for you, Anna.

I have thought about creating an anonymous account or even using a private password protected blog, Jenna. But that still would not feel safe because once it's on the internet people can find it. I can't have these things anywhere that could be traced and found later. I don't even think I could write them down on a piece of paper with a pen.

[Snow White.]

How are you doing Carmen?

[Auror.]

Really struggling to at the very least not self harm.

I had lunch today with a PhD student who studies glacial geology (what I want to study in uni), that my friend A told me to get in touch with. She was very kind and gave me a binder of information to read, and wants me to work with her on a project she is starting. She wants me to come into campus at 11am Monday to help her get started on things.

That should be a good thing but I don't think I can do it. School starts the week after and it's all too much when I should be dead. I don't know.

This is why I should have done it already like I was supposed to. I'm ****ing up.

[Auror.]

I just went downstairs to ask my neighbor to please turn their music down. On the second level my floor was vibrating and I could feel the walls vibrating on the third floor. This happens all the time and makes me panic and I rarely complain. Yet this is the second time when I have said something they have laughed at me. As long as they turn it down I don't care, and I am sure they would rather me say something in person than call the police. I can't keep complaining or say anything to the rental company because if I did they could tell them I have a dog, which I am not allowed to have.

Why am I not dead?

[Auror.]

Tripped over the dog and woke her up... Multiple friends have been in hospital recently and trying to be supportive but failing at that massively. Tyler still won't talk to me and had a massive argument with Justin. A is out of town doing field work until school starts.

There is nobody to trust and nobody to tell. Good thing everything is fine. Perfectly fine to need to be dead. I don't know why I am still posting. Probably for attention. Sorry for wasting your time if you've read any of this.

[Pi.R^2]

I'm sorry things are so difficult. Why is Tyler not talking to you? Are you able to try to make up with Justin?

In terms of the noisy neighbours, I would maybe send them a note referencing the relevant laws and letting them know that you will be left with no choice but to report them to the police next time they make such a racket.

You definitely don't need to be dead. Could you maybe have a look through the binder that the PhD person gave you so you can see if assisting her in her project will be feasible? It might be something good to aim for, if you think you can fit it in around school.

[Snow White.]

I'm reading and I care.

You don't need to be dead, there's no reason you do. Please keep fighting. Xx

[Auror.]

Tyler hasn't talked to me in months now do I've no idea why. He just keeps ignoring my emails and calls and texts. Justin talks to him and sees him but refuses to speak to him on my behalf and gets mad if I ask if he is ok. Justin is currently angry for a different reason and I'm just going to leave him alone. He clearly doesn't want to deal with me either.

I can't do anything to my neighbor even though technically pointing out to the rental company that they smoke weed every day and it makes my front hallway smell so strongly I have had my visitors complain would in theory get them kicked out. They could retaliate and tell them about my dog, whom I should not have. I should be paying a pet fee and that aside my dog is above the weight limit and her breed is banned. My hands are essentially tied. And yet if I see the neighbor outside we will say hi and chat on occasion. I don't get it.

Phd student has said she can teach me anything I'd need to know. This is a side project for her, aside from her thesis work and she is totally in charge. The prep work I can help with once he shows me how, and I understand he gist of the project and info she gave me. The only thing I wouldn't know is how to prepare the core or how to use the mass spectrometer. She doesn't know either and the professor whose lab we would be using is teaching her once the semester starts, so I would just be there and learn also.


My brain is broken and its clearly not going to be fixed. I don't even know the last time things were real. I'm lost somewhere and I'm pretty sure the only way out is being dead.

[Snow White.]

What evidence do you have that you need to be dead?

The work with the PhD student sounds positive. If anything it's a reason to be alive.

Please try and stay safe. I'm glad you're still posting here but I'm still worried about you.

What measures, honestly, can you take to avoid you seriously hurting or potentially killing yourself? I think it would be a good time to brainstorm these. I don't want to lose you.

[Auror.]

I can't think of anything. If I get rid of tools or pills then I would have to buy more and that is a waste f money when I already have them.

Dog somehow got out of the crate while I was gone and made a mess. the only two things she actually chewed and ruined were wooden things that I really can't replace as I got them on on trips out of the country, and she broke some blinds. She was cowering and hiding in the crate so knew she was wrong and I have no clue how to punish her when she is acting like I am going to hurt her and already knows she was in he wrong. I don't even know how she got out.

I'm clearly **** at this. I don't even think I should be home to begin with as I am likely to do something but I clearly can't leave the dog alone. I don't know why as when she is at my moms she is fine being out of the crate.

Sorry for not responding properly.

[Snow White.]

Sorry I didn't reply. How are you doing?

[Auror.]

things are ****. unsure why i have not killed myself yet especially given lyra now has a plan in place of somewhere to go.

[Snow White.]

Why is Lyra going somewhere?

Why do you think you are still alive? I'm glad you are. I got your letter, it was really nice. I'm scared to write back in case you harm yourself and people say I should have stopped you. Obviously I want to stop you! Because I believe things will get better for you. I'm working on a letter now. Keep fighting on x

[Auror.]

She's registered with a doggie daycare and boarding place and can go there anytime, 24/7. Plus I have Justin and my friend A willing to take care of her and get her there in case of emergency.

I am glad you got my letter!! I wondered how long it would take :)

[Snow White.]

Well I'm glad you're at least looking after her with a plan. What about a plan for you?

[Auror.]

Trying not to do anything. Struggling. That's as much of a plan as I've got.

[Snow White.]

I'm glad you're trying not to do anything Carmen x

[Amaryllis]

I'm also glad you're here and still trying.

[Pi.R^2]

I'm another person who is glad that you're still here and fighting.

[Auror.]

I don't know. I'm not. I am really struggling and I know something will have to happen fairly soon but I don't know how to stop it and nobody knows either. I am aware it is my own fault.

[Auror.]

stupidly overwhelmed. school starts again monday and professors are just now announcing textbooks and expecting we have them to do coursework this week. only i checked amazon for one, which is where they said and it's not even in stock to ship until tuesday.

i signed up for 6 classes with the intention of dropping 2 and taking 4, but now i think i should probably take all of them. i am so behind that i am likely going to need another year to graduate so that means 5 years total because of having to withdrawal from the last two semesters.

but the amount of coursework they are all requiring looks stupid and overwhelming and clearly being dead makes more sense than schoolwork.

[Auror.]

the dog has not eaten or drank anything today and has had no interest. she has just been sleeping on the couch and really doesn't want to play. i've done something to her and if she dies it's my fault. i don't know what is wrong.

[Auror.]

I rang the emergency vet and spoke with them and they said to bring her in. So I'm trying to phone someone to go with me. I've killed her just like Oreo.

[Serendipity.]

You haven't killed anyone. Oreo was old (I think!) and sick. It is horrible but these things happen, it isn't anyone's fault. Lyra isn't dead and you are doing the right thing in taking her to the vet, that's great. They will be able to make sure they do everything they can to make sure she's okay. You don't know what;s going on yet - it could be something small. I really hope it all goes well, let us know what happens. Thinking fo you xx

[Auror.]

They are unsure if anything is seriously wrong or not. They did a stomach X-ray but said it was inconclusive and they want the radiologist to look at it but are going to give her a bunch of fluids and medicine and let her go home tonight. They said there was nothing obviously wrong but there were a couple of things that could be something, or could be nothing but if it was anything it was not urgent. They said if she does not eat or drink tomorrow or vomits again then she needs to come back, and if they look at the x rays and see something then they will phone me.

My mom is angry with me for taking her (i tried phoning my sister who was out of town, my friend A who never responded, and Justin before asking her) even though she lives 5 minutes from the place, and I picked her up and took her home. She is also refusing to help me with the bill even though she knows I don't have a job and money is super tight for me. I think she thinks the entire thing was pointless, especially the x rays. That either way they were going to give her the fluids and medicine, and that there was probably nothing wrong so I should not have agreed to do the x ray for the extra cost. Let alone taken Lyra in the first place. So that was 450$ gone that I didn't have to start out with.

Justin is angry because I called to see if he could go with me but he was at a party. And that how dare I expect him to drop things to go with me because my dog is sick. If Harrison (his dog) were sick and needed to go, I would drop anything to go. Same if it were him. Yet multiple times he's refused to even drop me off at the hospital even when he was not doing anything. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that this is any different and he's angry.

This is the same place we brought Oreo to so I was really worried about going back. I mean they were very nice but I feel like I must have just overreacted and caused drama and spent all this money when it wasn't needed.

I'm an idiot and if Lyra didn't need looking after right now I'd have already od'd. I can't do any of this and I don't know why I am pretending to.

Plus my mom's already told me I should not take her back for a follow up because I can't afford to miss any school come Monday when classes start. Even though they've recommended that I follow up with her regular vet if she gets better. Or if she gets worse they said to follow up with her regular vet if they are open but to come back there if not.

I need to destroy myself and be dead and clearly everyone else thinks so too.

[Auror.]

It's barely 6am and I had to get up and clean my blanket because she'd had diarrhea and had not noticed. I only noticed the smell and decided to turn on the light. I had already put her in her crate then realised it was all over her bottom and then she got it on the blanket in the crate too. So had to try to clean her up. I guess going to attempt sleep. The rest of my sheets smell terrible but I only have one washer and they aren't technically dirty so I guess I can wash them later. If I took them off now I wouldn't have any sheets and would have to wait until the blanket is finished to put them in the wash. They said the medication and fluids could take 6 to 8 hours to work so I guess if she has another accident or has diarrhea when we go out in a few hours I should call them back?

[Cersei]

How has she been?

Hope you are okay. <3

[Auror.]

She spent all day today at the vet as she was not doing any better and couldn't keep down rice. They ran a bunch of tests, did more x rays, and gave her some stronger medication. 500 more dollars and nothing definitive as far as what is wrong and my mom is still mad that I keep taking her in and spending the money on nothing. Actually she's even more mad.

School was so overwhelming and we had to be up at 730 to get to the vet so I'm exhausted. I can't do this and I need to be dead.

edit: Dog would clearly be better off with a different human anyways. Dead makes sense.

[Snow White.]

I don't understand "I should be dead and clearly everyone else thinks so too"
Where is your evidence for that?

I think you're so overwhelmed not taking all 6 classes is a good idea.

Why would the dog be better off with someone else?
You're looking after her better than others by taking her to the vet and paying for the care.

Please please be safe.

[Auror.]

I'm a horrible person. I am not taking care of her properly. I don't deserve any of the things I have and I can't even function to work right now. School so far has been completely overwhelming. Justin and my mom both said if I can't take care of her properly then I need to find her a new person.

I've dropped one class but still taking 5, and then helping with a project. My mom thinks I should still be looking for a job plus all of this, plus the dog.

She'd be better off with someone who can take care of her properly and give her attention and love. I clearly can't. But I can't be dead when she needs to have someone keeping an eye on her, since she can't go to daycare or boarding while ill. So as soon as she gets better she can find a better person and I can be dead.

[Bellatrix]

you're nothing of the sort. your'e a wonderful human being. i wish i could domore.<3

[Auror.]

thank you J <3

I am trying to do some schoolwork and just completely unable to focus and do it. It's not helpful that the textbook I am trying to use is online. I've ordered physical copies of all of my textbooks but they won't arrive until the end of the week. I think I'm going to have to print out a lot of the readings for my online classes as well which feels like a huge waste.

My brain clearly does not know how to function.

They called with the results of the dog's bloods and said she has pancreatitis. So that it was definitely worth bringing her in for (I did ask that to be able to tell my mother) and gave me more instructions on what signs to look out for to bring her back in. It is similar to what happened to her a few weeks ago so they said if it happened again they would want to do some more tests to find out why it is recurring. She has kept down the rice/cottage cheese mix from this morning, and I will try to give her a bit more this evening for dinner.

I have so much schoolwork I need to be doing and there are things due this week but I literally just have been sitting here for the past two hours looking at it and being overwhelmed. I am trying to just focus on the classes I have to take tomorrow and even that I am overwhelmed. How the hell are you meant to do calculus online?!

[Auror.]

Sorry to post again. Really struggling. I'm exhausted and overwhelmed and I barely was able to make myself get out of bed to go to uni today. It's just all too much. I'm not sure I can hold off on doing anything.

I stupidly emailed the doctor lady again she she said to try to talk to her on Tuesday but I don't know if I can hold off until then. Besides, I don't know how to communicate anything that is going on to explain that would mean going is even worth it, especially when I don't have money to be spending after all of the vet bills.

Nobody wants to hear this. Nobody wants to hear I am not okay. I have zero friends that I can talk to because they're both busy and never know what to say, and the few people I can speak to online are too ill themselves to be supportive right now. Which is understandable and I am not angry at them, but I don't honestly know what to do.

[Snow White.]

I think seeing doctor lady is a good idea. I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed, what about dropping another class?

I think what is difficult about this is some of the things I would suggest were already suggested by Anna and for one reason or another they did not go down well. Your mind is consumed by negativity. A lot of your statements are the common 'black and White' type thinking that would be helpful if you can challenge those and look for evidence. Even if not about your "need to die" then other things, like saying nobody wants to hear this. That isn't true, I came into your thread to see how you're doing so I want to know. None of what you have said is evidence for ehy you need to die either.

You're not horrible. Would a horrible person take her dog to the vet and pay for X-rays and care? Would they send a friend in Australia a nice letter? No.

It concerns me that Tuesday feels to far away for you and I wonder if we should work on some concrete goals to help you
A) get through the next few days
B) speak with dr about how bad things are

How does that sound to you?

Ps didn't mean this to be harsh, I have a crippling headache so it might be a bit blunt

[Auror.]

It's not blunt. I don't know. I dropped another class because it was awful but had to pick up a different one to make up for it. I couldn't make myself go to class yesterday. I was too tired and felt like I would have had to self harm just to go. When i told someone rhey said i should go anyways. A agreed I needed to do 5 classes and my mom is not happy that its going to take me an extra year to finish now. Plus I'm not going to be able to get financial aid.

We don't have class Monday but I'm already behind in all of my classes and I'm having a hard time doing coursework.

Coming up with something I'm allowed to say would be useful. I already feel really guilty for having made the appointment and wasting her time and may cancel it.

[Auror.]

Hope your headache goes away soon.

[Snow White.]

It's not a waste of time at all. You're struggling so much you deserve help.

You've said here you're worried you may not make it to Tuesday, could you tell her you were worried about that?

[Auror.]

I don't think I could. It would sound idiotic especially if I were showing up because clearly I am showing up so I am fine. Plus I would not want her to freak out and think I am a danger to myself and should be in hospital or something. That would not be useful either.

edit: ****. I just realised I'm being negative again. Sorry to be so useless. Writing something out is not an option because I can't have any detail written down in case she does freak out. Then it'd just be her word against mine and I can usually talk my way out of hospital. But I know I'm going to go in, get anxious and shut down so going is essentially pointless. More negativity. I should get a negativity award.

and people are being ****ing dumb and loud and i can't do this assignment and i'm panicking. my mom was being stupid about school andi know i should be appreciative when she does so much for me but she doesn't ****ing get it and never will. the dog keeps whining at me and i'm seriously about to say **** this assignment, stick her in her crate, and just self harm. at the very least.

[Snow White.]

Are you a danger to yourself though?

Can you write things down in code?

[Auror.]

Even if I was, that's not something you tell someone.

I am unsure what you mean about writing things down in code, sorry.

[Snow White.]

Ok, why do you think you made the appointment?
What do you want to tell her? Think about why you made the appointment x

[Auror.]

I don't even know at this point. I will try to think about it. I think I just have nobody I can tell any of this to anymore and I don't want anything bad to happen but it's obviously not something I can stop from happening on my own. Bu then she won't be able to do anything either so I don't know. Will think.

[Auror.]

Ok, why do you think you made the appointment?
What do you want to tell her? Think about why you made the appointment x

I made the appointment because I wasn't sure what to do and I don't want to end up overdosing or having to kill myself even though it's unavoidable.

I'm not sure what I can say that won't freak her out to think I should be hospitalized. I'm obviously not a danger to myself. Hospital wouldn't be useful. Especially not when I am attempting to function and get out of bed every day and go to school and such. Plus the dog.

I'd like to say a number of things which I'm not allowed to say. Even on here. But I guess the first bit if it were allowed would essentially be what I would want to try to tell her. But even if I did there's not going to be anything she could do about it.

edit: Like, I don't want to go and try to explain this and just have her stare at me with pity or say, well that must be hard I'm sorry. That doesn't solve anything and would just make me angry. I think part of me wants recognition but I don't want it in a condescending way? I probably make zero sense.

[Auror.]

I swear if anybody else just tells me I'm not trying hard enough I might kill them. I'm actually angry enough that I could. I'm obviously just making everything up and I'm just too lazy to put any effort into things. ****.

[Pomegranate]

What triggered your last post?

[Auror.]

Justin told me to stop complaining about things and to actually put some effort into them. Because clearly I'm not trying at all. Even the doctor lady said that in her email. I'm not trying. I am trying but obviously not near enough.

[Snow White.]

It's pretty clear you're having to try hard just to get through the day. I guess when it comes to your feelings they might think you're not trying because you're not doing some of the things that are suggested for various reasons (like challenging the thoughts). I don't mean that as a criticism, it's more just the way things are. You're doing other things like talking here about why you made the appointment and it's good to explore those things. Obviously that doesn't mean you're not trying overall - as I said it is clear you are. Maybe you can ask your doctor or Justin what "trying" looks like to them, what do they expect it to be?

About being "too lazy to put effort into things" that's clearly not true, everything is pretty effort full right now for you and you're still doing many things even though it's hard. I'm sorry that wasn't acknowledged xx

[Snow White.]

Ps on an earlier post - how would recognition look from her that wouldn't be condescending?

Maybe if we talk about it a bit more when you see her you can outline what you would find helpful to hear from her, and what you can say in your limits.

[Auror.]

It's pretty clear you're having to try hard just to get through the day. I guess when it comes to your feelings they might think you're not trying because you're not doing some of the things that are suggested for various reasons (like challenging the thoughts). I don't mean that as a criticism, it's more just the way things are. You're doing other things like talking here about why you made the appointment and it's good to explore those things. Obviously that doesn't mean you're not trying overall - as I said it is clear you are. Maybe you can ask your doctor or Justin what "trying" looks like to them, what do they expect it to be?

About being "too lazy to put effort into things" that's clearly not true, everything is pretty effort full right now for you and you're still doing many things even though it's hard. I'm sorry that wasn't acknowledged xx

Thank you lovely. I know for Justin trying would probably mean tangible things- like going to therapy and talking, taking meds, and I guess just in general functioning better? We've had this argument many many times over the years. He doesn't want to hear how I do try as is and even though I've explained to him what would happen if I was not trying, I don't think he actually understands or processes it. Or doesn't want to think it could get that bad? I don't know.

I think for the doctor lady trying would be something different though I am unsure what. Even if I do go see her and try to talk it's not enough so I don't know.

Thank you. It's not that I don't want to try things. It's that I don't honestly understand why I should go against something when it clearly is correct. I mean if I had not tried already I would consider it but I have and it ended poorly.


Ps on an earlier post - how would recognition look from her that wouldn't be condescending?

Maybe if we talk about it a bit more when you see her you can outline what you would find helpful to hear from her, and what you can say in your limits.

I'm terrified for tomorrow because I know if nothing comes out of it I'm going to probably get so triggered and upset that I'll end up doing something later on whether or not I want to. I'm not sure what it would look like that is not condescending. I guess having an actual suggestion of something I could do or try to make things better that hasn't already been tried? I need something to change and obviously if I knew how to do it I would have done it already. Not just sitting there and having her say well that must be hard or that sounds concerning or something. Or, well you can come back next week if you want.

I'm angry. I'm angry that even though I do try I get blown off by everyone even professionals. I know most of the time I don't want anything they can offer- i.e. meds or hospital but when that's all they have to suggest over and over and they can't suggest anything else, there's no point. I don't think any of this is serious or anything like that but at the same time that doesn't mean I like it.

I'm just going to go in there and panic and shut down. I don't see any way around that. Or she'll ask something completely different from why I went there in the first place and then I'll forget. Kim said in my first aid post that what I was describing was concerning and I should get checked out medically but I really don't want to or see the point. I know she is not a doctor but I did not know if I could mention it to her or not and have her see what she thinks? I hate the medical doctors there and I don't want to see them when I know they're just going to say I'm mental and it's all in my head. But maybe if I explained it to her she could say something to them in advance? I don't know. But it's all irrelevant anyones if nothing comes out of it then I do have to kill myself?

I don't know. I don't want to have gotten my hopes up. I think I did.

[Auror.]

i feel like it would be easier to write things down but i can't have it saved anywhere. the only thing i can think of would be if i typed something out on my computer but did not save it so could delete it as soon as she would read it. but i don't think she would go for that. she has been reluctant to read anything in the past because i can't really talk about it and i refuse to read it out loud. then she wants to read it out loud instead which i am not ok with.

i'm trying to do coursework but i am really struggling and exhausted and i don't know how to avoid just freaking out and getting nothing done.

[Snow White.]

Can you try the typing idea out though? I mean it's better tan nothing, and maybe if you stress how difficult it is and this is the only way you can commuincate things that are really important sh emight be more willing to comply.

Thinking of you, take deep breaths xxxx

[Auror.]

I don't have my laptop with me. I'm stupid. May just cancel but don't know if I can when meant I be there in thirty minutes.

[Auror.]

I got out late and now the class I added has already started and I can't walk in late. She said I would be done by 10:45 but the system screwed up so they couldn't sign me in as being there. Then she wanted to go over confidentiality again and said that she knew that the doctors in the hospital couldn't see her notes. I asked how and she said that her husband was my medical doctor in the hospital last time and she asked him to check for sure. He could see a note from a medical doctor saying that she had talked to the doctor lady and that was the only reason he knew I was her patient too. I asked if he was allowed to tell her and she said because it was in a professional capacity and I was a shared patient that he was, and he only said I was there and he was my doctor and nothing else.

I couldn't explain well. She agreed that nothing would change by having come but said she thinks it is worth trying to talk about things. She said maybe if she had more information about everything that maybe we could try to come up with a way to change things but that can only be done through talking. I tried to explain about not wanting to be dead and about the difference between not being allowed to talk about things versus not wanting to or even just not knowing the answer. She seemed more understanding of that but then tried to ask what leads up to the ods and I told her I just make things up at the hospital so they have answers. She said she would like a non made up answer but I don't have one. She asked if I could tell her when I don't know things but I said no because when I do she keeps asking the same question or thinks I don't want to talk about it. She said she could also try to be more understanding of that as well and that in the future if I didn't know she would try to move on or ask in a different way.

I didn't see the point in making another appointment but she said to email if I change my mind.

[Auror.]

sorry to bump. is anyone around or anything? i'm not had a great day and am struggling. i have assignments due tonight and am unsure how to stay safe or even do them.

[Snow White.]

I'm here. I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time today. I wonder if you could get extensions on your assignments to ease the pressure a bit?

[Auror.]

i doubt it. it's only the second week of classes and i would have had to say something further in advance. now it just looks like laziness. especially given i've already emailed the instructor because the due date on the syllabus didn't match up with what is listed on the course website for turning it in.

the only schoolwork i've been able to do so far is math. everything else i've not been able to make sense of. i didn't go to my class yesterday and i missed one of my two classes today.

i feel very odd.

[Auror.]

i've tried doing schoolwork. i've tried phoning justin (when he was awake earlier). i've taken the dog outside, played a video game. nothing is helping. it's almost two am and i should have tried to go to sleep hours ago. i should go to class tomorrow.

i'm actually okay with it if i self harm (which i am pretty good at managing those urges so hopefully will not) but really need to avoid oding. if that means i have to self harm to not od i'm not sure i see how that is bad even though i know it technically is.

[Auror.]

Is anyone about? I know it's an odd time...

[sherlock holmes]

How are you feeling now?

[Auror.]

I feel like ****. Ended up taking a small od, like a normal amount that i would never get medical attention for and my heart start doing who knows what. So I rang poison control who said to get it checked, the rang the non emergency line who sent paramedics.

They were not too pleased with me because they know who I am, and they told me when they got the call, they knew exactly what had happened and where I'd be. They get angry because my vitals are actually normal, but then I get to the medical hospital and it turns out **** is out of whack. The same thing happened last time. They told me I should consider just driving myself next time instead of calling them. Then something got mixed up because they wanted me to go to psych for a 72 hour hold, but I never actually got put on one. The social worker at the hospital recongised me, we chatted, and he told them it wasn't necessary. A number of the nurses recognised me too. It's not a good thing to be recognised by those kind of people.

I don't even think they were going to do much of anything. They did one bag of fluids and then my potassium was super low which they said was probably why my heart was being so weird so they made me take some pills for that. Then did another bag of fluids because I was dehydrated. They wanted me to admit me and have me stay at least until 2pm this afternoon to monitor my heart and things, but I left AMA because neither Justin nor A could get Lyra and I couldn't have her in her crate that long.

Everyone's fed up with my ****. The paramedics, the doctors at the hospital. I don't really think they wanted to even do anything. They never ran half of the blood work they collected for or even the urine sample. I missed school again, and I left my dog alone all night with nobody to come get her.

I should have just killed myself.

[Snow White.]

I don't think you should have killed yourself.

You say the doctors didn't want to do anything but they gave you a lot via drips and wanted to admit you so it sounds like they did want to help but you left against medical advice so it couldn't happen.

Why did you overdose?

From the outside looking in I know it's easier to say than do but something has to change about the way you manage the intense urges.

I hope you can rest up xx

[Auror.]

I just feel so guilty for wasting everyone's time and leaving the dog alone like that. Especially when it was my normal amount and I should have been fine. I have no idea why I panicked.

I asked what they would do if I stayed longer and they said just observation on the heart monitor to see if my heart rate gets back to a normal level. I guess poison control recommended staying that long to make sure I was ok. But they were going to do no meds, no more drips. So it was completely pointless.

I took my normal amount to try and sleep. I didn't go overboard. The whole thing was completely dumb. Maybe they're right and I'm just an asshole looking for attention.

I slept on and off most of yesterday but got up and went to class today. We got assigned a group project in one class and then one of my group members in my other class wants to call me for help on the homework that I already completed. Made an appointment with the doctor lady for Monday after class. I asked A if she would go with me to the doctor on Tuesday if my heart still feels funny but she has not responded.

[Snow White.]

Did they say "you're an asshole looking for attention"? Because again they treated you and wanted to monitor your heart to make sure it returned to normal, if they thought you were looking for attention they wouldn't waste the IV resources on you.

I think it is a GREAT step making another doctors appointment with lady, especially as you ended up in hospital. I'm glad you made the appointment :) any idea what you wish to convey to her?

Super impressed you made it to class. Really well done. Do remember to take it easy on your body and try and eat too as it needs a bit of help now.

Thinking of you xx

[Auror.]

The paramedics said I just wanted attention, literally said that. Then also said not to call them again, just to drive myself if it happened again. They said whenever they come my vitals are always normal, and the only reason they take me to the medical hospital is because they can't admit me for a psych hold until I get cleared medically. They don't believe I ever actually take anything but they can't take a chance is what they say. Even though the same paramedic who was with me in the ambulance in december works at the hospital and took me up to the medical floor when I was admitted that time, and she was the one in the ambulance the other night. You'd think they would understand I am not lying to them about having taken anything or the amount. I may lie about the reasoning behind it sometimes, but I've never lied about the amount.

I think the one police officer does believe me. He even asked why I phoned the other night, if I only took x and that was the amount I normally take. He said he doesn't want me to keep doing it anymore and that it is not good when he can recognise the address and situation just by getting a call.

I don't know what to tell her. I just thought I should make an appointment. I still think I should have killed myself.

I still don't know why I felt so odd for taking the normal amount. It was weird. My mother is out of town this weekend so won't be taking me out for meals. I'm afraid to drink anything besides tea or coffee because I know the fluids made me gain weight. I have been trying to eat some but I can't deal with my body at this weight. Which is also why I can't be dead yet.

[Auror.]

I don't even know. I ate and now I'm panicking and probably am going to have to self harm. I'm going to try and do some math (it is literally the only class I can do work in it seems) but I feel very on edge. I took the dog to doggie daycare today but she still wants me to play with her and wants attention. I don't know.

[Snow White.]

You need to eat Carmen, especially after the overdose. Would playing with your dog help you as a distraction?

The ambulance person who said that is a jerk.

[Auror.]

my mother just called and complained about the trip she is on for work, and i had no idea what to say to her. she said she has to go to dinner but wants to phone again after. i may not answer then.

i tried to play with the dog a little bit but she wants to play fetch and there is not enough space in the apartment for that, and tug of war makes my wrist hurt from where the iv was.

attempting some math but i don't feel very safe and i have other assignments i really need to work on but i don't think i can. which is not good because i am super behind in all of my other classes. there is nobody i can talk to because justin doesn't want to hear it and a is too busy to respond.

edit: Just realised I never thanked you for all the support, lovely. <3

[Auror.]

Can't self harm because my wrist is now bruised and swollen from where the iv was. It's really sore. Oding again even on normal amount is probably a bad idea. I put the dog in her crate for bed and I don't want to get her out. I don't sleep well when she is in bed with me, even though I am less likely to do anything. I didn't make her sleep in the crate last night because I was worried she would get scared I would leave her for a long time again but now she needs to be in there as that is normal for her.

I distracted with some schoolwork but I don't think I can sleep. It's not safe.

[Auror.]

I'm sorry to keep posting. But I don't want to a make a new thread. Maybe I should?

part of me agrees with the paramedic and the other part thinks the things she said and did might have been wrong. but given what a horrible waste of resources i am and the fact that i am aware i am a difficult patient and crap like that makes me think i probably deserved it and she was right. so it wouldn't even make sense to ask someone if i should consider filing a complaint about her.

like, i don't want it to happen again. but i am pretty sure trying to drive myself to a hospital after i have od'd is not a good idea? i am unsure because i live alone so obviously have no other way to get transport if it is needed and i don't want to call the paramedics again but i would not know what else to do. i've tried phoning justin before but he refuses to take me or even just drop me off. but i mean every time i have od'd and phoned the non emergency line it is the first responders who make the call for ambulance to transport me to hospital. i don't decide it. and when they come they have to help me walk so i mean if i cannot even walk without assistance i should probably not drive? i don't know maybe i should have put this in my rv.

[not_so_insig]

I dont have all the answers, but you should definitely not drive after taking an OD. If Justin cant take you, then you should definitely phone for an ambulance.

[Auror.]

I am unsure why the paramedics would have said to drive myself then?

[ajrocks]

Because they are incompetant quite frankly!
What would happen if you crashed because you passed out etc then they'd have an even bigger issue on their hands! Ridiculous advice from people who are most likely tired,cynical,underpaid and overwhelmed by the system and took it out on you which is absolutely not ok! Try not to pay them any attention,you know the right thing to do in this situation and also so what if they have to see you every single day and take you there they should not be judging you or your situation they are their to help.i'd be inclined to complain but i understand what an enormous amount of energy thaf takes.try to hang in their :)

[Auror.]

If they were incompetent then they would get fired. You can't be a paramedic and just let people die! Coming to take me to a hospital if I don't need it is a waste of their resources and they are right in trying to suggest alternatives.

[Snow White.]

No they're not. You shouldn't drive after an overdose. Ambulances have driven me to hospital when I have attempted suicide but had no lasting effect (ie I was sitting in the ambulance perfectly fine). Plus you DID need treatment.

Not all incompetent people get fired.

Sorry I know this isn't the biggest problem now but I want you to know you were not wasting their time.

[Auror.]

thank you lovely. it still feels like i was wasting their time and i am not convinced i did need any treatment. i asked kim about the potassium thing and she said it really was low and they were not lying about that but that doesn't seem anything worthy of needing an ambulance or hospital for.

part of me wants justin actually to have come with me to the hospital sometime after i've od'd just to see how ill it makes me so he can stop saying to drive myself, but it's actually kind of embarrassing because of how i act afterwards that i don't want people i know to see me like that.

seeing doctor lady tomorrow. really hope she doesn't ask/notice about hospital. pretty sure trying to explain that i can't be dead yet because my weight is unacceptable might be concerning. maybe will ask her about the heart thing. it's actually been better so am going to go with its fine now so there is no need asking. so dont really know what to say to her or even how to explain why i made the appointment.

[Auror.]

I missed my first class again (really not good) but I am here for my other class and wishing I had cancelled the appointment with the doctor lady. I feel pathetic. Being awake and at an eleven am class should not be a big deal. Especially when I actually like the class. I feel odd again today. Unsure how to explain.

[Amaryllis]

Is the odd feeling a physical thing or an emotional one?

If you can't drive then you should absolutely call the paramedics to come get you. You're not wasting their time. It is literally their job to come get you and give you treatment that you will ok.

And, an individual od may not be too bad but it's sort of like an accumulated damage sort of thing. You can only do so much internal damage before things start to go wrong.

And something that's a big deal may not be for someone else. It's hard for you to get to an eleven am class right now but you made it!

[Auror.]

I did not make it to y eleven am class today. I am here for my 130pm class.

I think it is more physical? I am unsure how to even describe it.

[Snow White.]

Hi Carmen you wrote this a while ago how are you feeling now?

[Auror.]

I feel unwell now. I did see the doctor lady.

She knew about the hospital. She said anything more recent than my last time seeing her automatically pops up when she goes to view her notes in my chart. So it popped up, and it is not that she goes looking for it.

She said she thinks I should come back and see her again to try to work on some things. She said usually I only come because they say at the hospital that I have to, but I explained they did not say that. She said because I did not have to be there that she believes part of me wants things to be different and that she would like to work with that part of me? It was odd. I did not make an appointment. I tried explaining the difference between taking the normal amount of pills and actually oding and how that is different than self harm but I am not sure I explained well. She mentioned eating disorder but I told her it was not a legit thing. She seemed unconvinced and said someone without an eating disorder would not tell her that iv fluids make you gain a ridiculous amount of weight. I obviously do not have an eating disorder because if I did that would be an issue and it is not.

I asked her about driving myself to the hospital but she said she did not know but that if I felt unsafe to drive I should not drive. I also asked about the funny heart thing and she said if it were her and she could tell it felt different from being anxious she would get it checked. She said the rude doctor that I had the bad experience with last time has retired and does not work in the health clinic anymore. She also said there is a medical doctor there that she works with and communicates with that may let you schedule appointments instead of just doing walk ins, which is what the clinic generally only allows. She said she was not positive about appointments but she would ask for me. She said if I made one that she could talk to them in advance and explain about the times I have been in hospital and that self harm does not mean they need to freak out and why I was coming. But she said if I were to schedule an appointment I would have to schedule it over the phone or in person.

So I don't know. I think I said a lot that was not technically allowed. I feel very confused mentally and not well physically.

[Snow White.]

*sits with you*
You did a really good thing talking with the doctor. I'm happy with what you said and talked about and happy she has followed up and suggested you go back to see her. I really hope you'll think about it and go back and see her. It sounds like she is really trying to communicate with you in a way that helps. I hope you give her a shot.

I obviously do not have an eating disorder because if I did that would be an issue and it is not.

They did one bag of fluids and then my potassium was super low which they said was probably why my heart was being so weird so they made me take some pills for that. Then did another bag of fluids because I was dehydrated.


Sounds to me like you're pretty physically unwell, I suspect your eating (lack of) impacts this. Plus, she bought it up so it must be of concern.

Please be careful. Please try and see how much she is trying to help you, I think she's right part of you wants to live and it's worth letting that part work with the doctor.

Get some rest, physically, mentally, look after yourself.

[Auror.]

thank you lovely.

i ended up sleeping on and off from 7pm last night until 1pm today. i've just managed to get out of bed, still don't feel very well physically.

i am sure all the fluids and being dehydrated was from the pills; that usually happens. doctor lady brought the eating disorder thing up because she was trying to figure out how it fit in, if i do not see taking the pills as self harm then how i saw that, but i said it was not a thing.

she said something about how it can be hard for me to communicate with others and that she has learned to be very precise about what she says. she says i see things very black and white, and that i take people literally and so sometimes there is a miscommunication because they meant something to be "more in a grey area" and I did know that, so i take them at their word and then everything just kind of falls apart. i don't know. i don't understand why it would be abnormal. why would someone says something different from what they actually meant and expect someone else to understand? i don't get people. i did not really like that. it made me feel like she was saying i do things on purpose to be difficult.

i do not think i was supposed to have gone in the first place so making another appointment was not allowed. i have not heard anything back from her about the medical doctor so i'm kind of just going to forget about it i think.

[Auror.]

Was going to cut but I can't cut as deep as I need without needing stitches and due to the location of useable ie unscarred skin they might see it as a suicide attempt. I think I have to od. It's one thirty am and obviously can't phone anybody. I don't know what to do. I don't want to od.

[Snow White.]

You don't want to overdose. Remember that. Overdosing is so unpleasant at the best of times but will be even worse if you don't want to do it! Please hold o n to that. Is there anything you can do to try and relax and get to sleep seeing as it's so early in the morning?

[Auror.]

I can't without doing some kind of damage. It's not allowed. Not after everything I told doctor lady. I'm afraid if I stay up all night ill have to od anyways so may as well get it over with.

[Snow White.]

No, you don't need to overdose. You can stop this. Yes staying up increases your risk so could you try going to bed safely?
You don't want to overdose. Remember how bad you felt when you did last time? You don't need to do it. Trust me. Get through the night without overdosing and you'll see you didn't need to do it.

[Auror.]

I'm not allowed to go to sleep safely. I have todo something. What I want does not count.

[Snow White.]

This is the point where you need to challenge the thoughts, because otherwise you'll be stuck in this way forever.

If you keep doing the same things nothing will change. I know it is hard, but please try avoiding the urges. Please.

[Auror.]

I am trying but I can't go to sleep and stating awake is bad. I tried playing a game. I am afraid if I stay up I may eat something or drink something and then I would absolutely have to od in which case cutting seems a safer alternative.

[Snow White.]

It's good you're trying, I can see you're working hard to try and avoid harming yourself. The same thing I said about the need to overdose goes for the need to harm yourself after eating. You need to eat and drink for your body and brain to work. It's really important. Playing a game is a good distraction, well done. Would a movie or anything help, maybe if you can lay down with a blanket while watching you may fall asleep?

[Auror.]

No the dog is sleeping in her crate so doing anything with noise wakes her up and makes her whine. I'm on my iPod touch not laptop because she's learnt to sleep if its just that.

I'm sorry I'm being so difficult.

[Snow White.]

It's okay, it's not difficult it's just what is happening. If you're on your ipod touch could you play music or videos with headphones on?

Also, if worst comes to worst it might be okay to wake the dog up for cuddles and to watch a movie together.

[Auror.]

I think going downstairs woke the dog up. I can get some sleep now so if she doesn't stay quiet ill let her snuggle. Thank you, lovely.

[Snow White.]

That is a good idea. I hope you can get some sleep safely. You haven't taken anything have you?

*sits with you*

[Auror.]

Not yet. Self harmed and ate something. If I don't sleep quickly I may have to though. Eating is punishment enough but i am sure tomorrow will have to do worse. Dog is whining.

[Snow White.]

I'm sorry to hear you self harmed. Please try and cuddle up with the dog. x

[Auror.]

She's fallen back asleep, I can tell by her breathing/ snoring. I don't want o wake her. My stomach really hurts now. I don't know what to do.

[Snow White.]

Why is your stomach hurting? Can you try and sleep with her?

[Auror.]

Unsure. Managed a few hours but my hearts doing the funny thing now. I have to get to class today. It's all a mess.

[Auror.]

Stupid question.

If I don't see the point in actually doing any wound care, should I just leave it? I don't really want to go to a doctor and be like, I'm too lazy to take care of these wounds so I've covered and left them for day/s. I should probably suck it up and actually take a look, and clean them. But I don't care.

I don't know?

[Snow White.]

I'm not sure what you're asking. You want to go to the doctor but also don't want to engage in wound care?

[Auror.]

Well I don't want to do any wound care. So would I need to go to a doctor? Because that is a stupid reason to go, just because I'm too lazy to take care of them. They didn't need medical attention so if I leave them they should be fine?

[keep_it_together]

I imagine you can get away with seeing the duty nurse to take care of some wounds if you're concerned about them.

[Auror.]

I'm not concerned. More wondering if I need to be. I am unsure what the equivalent of a duty nurse would be here in the US. Than you for responding though.

[Aardbei]

If you feel they don't need medical attention, then going to the doctor wouldn't accomplish much - and would actually then be you caring for the wounds in a second hand way, if that makes sense.

I do think you should take a look at them and try to give them a clean, if you can - it will only take a minute and then you can establish if they do need looking at by a professional.

Thinking of you x

[Auror.]

That makes sense. I wouldn't care if someone else wanted to clean them, I just don't care enough to myself. But yea it doesn't seem worth seeing a doctor for. Like, if I can't take responsibility I should not have done it but obviously I was not caring about that at the time.

[Auror.]

Psychologist said if I phoned I could make an appointment with the medical doctor she works with and I hate the phone but I tried and was told appointments are only for physicals and women's health so now I feel like an idiot and its not worth it and my group bailed at the last minute (supposedly) so we are not meeting to work on our project after all.

**** today. I feel like self harming now. For no logical reason.

[Aardbei]

You're not an idiot; your psych told you something incorrect and that's not your fault.

You say that there's no logical reason for feeling like self-harming so can you try and keep reminding yourself of that? If you do self harm, will it achieve anything in the long run? Does it have the potential to actually make things worse? These kinds of questions are important to keep asking and challenging yourself with so you can fight against those urges x

[Auror.]

She knows I hate the phone. I won't even use the phone to tell her when I arrive for appointments. I just sit in the waiting area and eventually she comes out to check and see if I am there because she knows otherwise I will sit there for the entire appointment time or leave. I don't know. I can't walk in and wait and try to explain why I am there. I'm not going to an urgent care. Justin or Allison can't go with me. So it sounds like I just need to suck it up and ignore it. I am sure my heart is fine and I am sure my arm is fine too.

It would make me feel calmer for now. I don't feel guilty about self harming at this point because I feel like I do pretty well with trying to find other ways to do things first. I'm overwhelmed and a professor was supposed to put a quiz up online for me to do today so that I could use my accommodations and that hasn't happened yet either.

I don't know. I am tempted to go back to bed.

edit: thanks ali. i took the bandage off my arm finally. it was starting to itch. it looks fine so whatever.

[Auror.]

Clearly nothing I do is right.

I tried to talk to Justin to apologise for asking him to go to the doctor with me (because apparently I should not have asked? still do not know why) and I wanted to ask him something about school stuff but as usual he just starts going on about how I'm not trying to do anything and if I tried harder then it would help because I have to figure things out myself.

I'm trying. I'm ****ing trying and all everybody says is I'm not. I can't deal with this. I'm so sick of people saying I need to sort things myself but clearly I can't ****ing sort things myself. I'm not handling things. I'm not managing. I'm not coping. But I try to tell somebody and all I get is **** for not trying hard enough. I literally have no friends anymore. I have no job. I'm running out of money. I can't get financial aid for school.

I'm probably just going to lose everything anyways so I should just get it over with and kill myself. But I can't because I weigh too much. I'm beginning to not care. At least even if I weigh too much but am dead it's over with.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

[Snow White.]

Hey, we know you're trying. I'm sure I said just recently I could see you were trying very hard. So it's not "everyone" saying you're not trying (this is an example of that black and white thinking).

I'm sorry to hear Justin is being so ridiculous:(

You're right though, you're not coping and you can't do this alone. Have you got an appointment to go back and see doctor lady?

*sits with you*
We are here x

[Auror.]

No no appointment. I've bothered her enough as is.

Nobody has anything to suggest. Professionals don't. All they can offer is hospital which would not be at all helpful and they obviously know this too or they'd have admitted me at some point. Or meds, which I can't do plus risk of od is too high and I know better than to trust myself with meds. Doctor lady just says to come in and talk but that it doesn't change a damn thing, she acknowledged that.

All people say is well don't od again. Don't hurt yourself. Go to class. Do your schoolwork. Reach out for support when you need to because it's better to reach out before doing something but if you do we tell you to sort it yourself and be responsible for yourself.

It's an impossible double standard and I can't meet it.

[Auror.]

I have resorted to playing pokemon and being in chat.

I have a test tomorrow but if I even think about school right now I start panicking and I'm already feeling really unsafe. Schoolwork is not happening. I am such a failure.

[Snow White.]

I don't think you're a failure, you're working really hard to keep safe! And that is so important. Pokemon and chat is a good idea.

[Auror.]

Yea but I've not studied for the test at all. Completely exhausted. I need to get up and go to school and take the test but I don't know if I can face it. I should just suck it up and go but I'm already terrified and I don't know this professor or what is expected because I missed class this week. It doesn't help that he's head of the department and said to come to his office and take my test there to use my accommodations. It's stupid to be terrified of a test and a professor.

[Auror.]

sorry for bumping. i don't know what to do.

i got home from taking the dog to the park and my neighbor below me's music was so loud again that my floor was shaking. i went down and asked her to please turn it down, and she basically said that it was rude for me to ask that. (even though she first told me when i moved in to say something to her) She said that it wasn't the music it was her speakers and the bass because she has 4 foot tall huge speakers and all the settings are turned to zero. So she can't turn that down, the only thing she could do is turn the entire system down which she doesn't want to do because she is having a party. That none of the other neighbors ever complain about it but me. And that she never complains about anything I do because she knows that I am living my life and she is living hers.

I told her that if there was something I did that bothered her to please let me know. She said that there are things but it is not her style to complain. I did not bother to point out that I am the only one who lives directly above her, so obviously if my floor (and sometimes walls) are shaking, the other apartments are not likely to notice that. I clarified that I was not asking her to turn her music off, only that my floor is shaking and I was trying to do schoolwork. I'm not disrespectful. I knock on the door, apologise for bothering her, and then ask if she would please be able to turn her music down just a little bit.

I don't want to start something with her. I don't want to call the police and complain, that was why i said something directly to her. I'm afraid she will tell the landlord about my dog and I would have to find either a new place for her to live or break my lease to move.

The apartment itself is very nice, the location is convienent in relation to school, but I literally cannot deal with noise and the floor or walls shaking like that. It makes me panic, get overwhelmed, and then eventually the only way I know how to calm down from it is to self harm. Or it gets so distracting that I feel like I cannot sit in my living room so need to go hide in my room, which I am really trying to spend less time in bed. Even if I am upstairs and I can still hear it I get so distracted. It makes my ears hurt and it just sets me on edge.

I'm sure this is stupid. I could look and see when my lease is up but I am sure it's not sometime until the end of May or June. I don't want to have to move again. I'm so sick of moving and trying to find someplace I would be able to afford that would take my dog, and not be loud would be next to impossible.

I'm so upset now that I don't know what to do.

edit: I am positive they have turned the music up- now I can feel it and hear the vibrations upstairs. I feel like they did it just to spite me.

[Snow White.]

This sounds really distressing, I'm sorry you're facing this. Can you try and have breaks to go for a walk with the dog so you're not stuck inside? Is there anyone you could stay with for a while?

It might be worth researching "distress tolerance" maybe so ideas will come up to help you deal with the noise, but you're right it isn't fair she is doing this.

[Auror.]

I can hear it outside and there are a bunch of kids outside being loud. I did try that but I'm so behind on schoolwork that I really needed tonight to do that. Which now hasn't happened.

I've done a bit of dbt in the past but did not did it useful. Now I've just spent the night worrying about money issues an school because I'm going to end up homeless and jobless etc so obviously being dead makes sense.

Still not talking to Justin and even if I was all he'd say was to call the police on her or suck it up. I didn't know how to explain to her that the floor shaking is more than just an annoyance without sounding like an idiot. So it really is my fault.

[Auror.]

Maybe I will look up distress tolerance things when I fel more calm a differen day. Just because it was not helpful then doesn't mean it still won't be. Right now I don't know what to do because I can even feel it in my bedroom, and I am trying to just snuggle with the dog in bed.

[Auror.]

Can't sleep. No idea why. I don't understand. I'm afraid I am going to have to do something.

[Snow White.]

I'm sorry to hear you can't sleep. Maybe you're still worked up from the drama earlier and feeling unsettled? Is there something safe you could try to unwind a bit?

Thinking of you xx

[Snow White.]

I'm sorry to hear you can't sleep. Maybe you're still worked up from the drama earlier and feeling unsettled? Is there something safe you could try to unwind a bit?

Thinking of you xx

[Auror.]

I was too afraid to get out of bed because I likely would have done something. Managed a bit more sleep but feel exhausted. I feel like schoolwork keeps piling up too. I am very overwhelmed and I don't see it ending well.

[Aardbei]

I'm here Carmen. What's going on for you now? x

[Auror.]

Hi Ali. Thanks.

I don't know. I just honestly don't know. The dog reopened one of my cuts so that has gotten me really triggered and I feel guilty because she's really wound up and it rained all day so we couldn't go out.

Overwhelmed with facing school and classes tomorrow and all the **** I am supposed to be doing this week. I don't know how to handle it.

[Auror.]

I'm sorry to bump. I guess I could maybe just do with some acknowledgement or a hug maybe?

I tried to change up my morning routine a bit and ended up making both of my classes today. Instead of getting up at 8am to get the dog out and then going back to bed for a bit (which is when I then find it hard to get up to go to school), I decided to not get up until 9am to take her out and just stay up. I know that's probably pathetic but getting up anytime before 11 or 12 is really difficult for me, as I can't often fall asleep until 2 or 3 am.

Everything just feels really hard and overwhelming. I'm going to need to be on campus on Wednesday for both my classes, a review session, and a group meeting and I'm worried about that and what to do with the dog. I have a lot of schoolwork to still catch up on, tests this week, group projects, etc. etc. and I'm struggling. I'm still really worried about money too since I don't even have time or the energy to try to look for a job right now. It just feels like it's all piling up. I've not spoken to Justin and I don't seem to be speaking to A anymore either, so I have nobody. I feel very alone.

[Snow White.]

I'm here. I'm sorry things are so overwhelming for you right now. You seem to be trying really hard to manage it. I'm sorry at this moment I don't have any words but I care xx

[Auror.]

Thank you lovely.

I had my taxes done today and will be getting a bit of money back. That will help I hope. My mom has said she will pay me back as it was quite expensive to have done and I couldn't have done it on my own.

I need to go in and find out what I need to do to be eligible for financial aid again. I need to catch up on schoolwork. I don't know I feel like even the bit I can manage to do isn't enough to make a difference. I'm so behind and I am trying to do what I can but there just isn't enough time and even if I had time I can't always manage to focus or make sense of things.

Thought about making another appointment with doctor lady but not her what I'd tell her so no point.

[Aardbei]

I'm glad you got your taxes done :)

Any schoolwork is good - it's better than doing none. Is there anyone you can ask for some help with it?

Can you print off this thread to bring to the doctor?

[Auror.]

I'm unsure whom I would ask for help at this point as I'm mostly struggling with my online courses and it's really the reading and things like that which I am struggling with.

The more concrete assignments I can sort of manage. It's not for lack of understanding, at least most of the time. It's lack of being able to focus and read and be functional enough to get things done, if that makes any sense.

I met with a guy in my math class tonight for a mini review session, as we have a test on Thursday. It was helpful because I had gotten a number of the problems on the practice test wrong. We think that the professor's solutions for 4 of them are incorrect, as he agreed with my solutions. I went to a review session that the professor held last week and a number of her solutions for the handout she gave then were wrong. So I am hoping this is a similar thing. Then it turned out one I had just put into my calculator wrong, and another I had done before we had actually gone over the section, so now I was able to do it properly. So really I only got like one wrong hopefully, which I feel a bit better about. I'm just really slow, like we would work through a problem and he would have solved three by the time I got through one.

I just have so much going on this week and it is very overwhelming. Tomorrow I have both my classes, going to go to a math review session, and straight after that I am meeting my group to work on a project. My mom did give me some money so that I can take my dog to doggie daycare and do a full day there, which means she can stay there for up to 12 hours instead of the 6 hours which is what I have already paid for. So I will drop her off in the morning on my way to class and she can stay until whenever I finish with my group tomorrow evening and I will not have to go home to let her out or feel guilty for her being stuck home alone in her crate.


I don't think I could show doctor lady this thread. Especially not given I have said things about her on here. I am unsure how that would be helpful either way? I have not made an appointment. I was considering emailing her tomorrow evening and asking for a Friday appointment, that way she won't see it until Thursday, and it will likely already be taken so I can't get one. It doesn't make sense to make an appointment for no reason.

I am home now and having a rough night. I don't know where to start with schoolwork and I know I should try to get something else done but I'm just panicking. I don't want to have to od or self harm tonight.

edit: attempted to do some readign for a project i need to be ready to do tomorrow and for an assignment due tomorrow and nope panicking. it's not happening. i can't do this. i don't know what i can do to stay safe right now.