Suicidal thoughts from somewhere else, and impending sadness,(dissociative?)

[Arienette]

I'm just getting sick of feeling down. Im trying, I really am. I'm trying to be ok, I'm trying to eat, wash, dress, exercise and do my work and just get on with life.

But I just can't shake these thoughts and feelings. I'm low again, and I just can't get suicidal thoughts outside of my head and it makes no sense. Money is fine, my housing situation is ok-ish, I'm doing alright at college, I just don't get it.

I am a bit upset because I think my gf is cheating on me, and I mentioned to her how we're not close anymore and it's like she doesn't care. She just said I'm being paranoid and I haven't even told her that I think she's cheating on me with "her friend". It adds up too because she's always glued to her phone and is dead touchy about it, if I say anything though she just denies everything or shuts the conversation down.

I really want to live, and stay alive because I am doing some good things in the next year. I have a uni place to study for, a fitness challenge for charity and I've got good friends, but right now, from somewhere else inside of me there are suicidal plans forming and flashing before me, as if they're subliminal orders from my unconscious or something.

I've been feeling really spacey, which is funny because when I think about my gf cheating. Of all the things to feel sad about I feel nothing. Earlier in the shops I got confused about where I was or what I was doing, but luckily I was in my comfort zone near home so could recognise where I was.

And my memories all don't seem in sinc again. I keep forgetting I've spoken to people or said something, and I just, have these suicidal things coming into my mind and these negative emotions coming from somewhere inside of me, but they don't feel like me.

I suppose what I'm asking for from this thread is if someone relates, maybe some support, aye some bright ideas about things I'm not doing already to help myself. Stuff along those lines really.

Thanks. X

[smallbluething]

I'm sorry things feel so bleak for you right now.

I can really relate to the way you're feeling, it's like when you listen to a song and you feel like the words connect with your very core; that's what I felt when reading some of this.

I wish I had some answers. I can understand when your mental world seems to collapse in spite of things going fairly well in life, and the suicidal thoughts that come in spite of wanting to live and carry on with your plans and your future.

I'm feeling quite similar to that right now, and all I can offer you are the things that have helped me a little. With the memory thing, I get that when I'm really low, I also dissociate, and often I can't remember talking to someone, or what day something happened on. I've started a 'diary' of sorts, no emotion in it, just the facts, such as: Today I went to the local shop to buy electric, I got a letter from the gas company in the post. I bumped into [insert name here] on the way home and we spoke briefly about the weather. Then, in the evening I read over it, it helps to keep me grounded in reality, I suppose. Maybe give that a go?

Other than that I use distractions, when I'm feeling that low I tend to try and steer away from things that can feed the way I'm feeling, i.e: sad music, films, books et cetera, even a lot of the creative things I do. Instead I'll play solitaire, or do crosswords, go for walks and count the steps I'm taking.

I hope this helps, even just a little bit, I feel for you, and you're not alone... :)

[Arienette]

I do keep lists of what I've done, but I suppose I will have to put more emphasis on them as it's currently not enough.

Thank you for your reply, it helped a little in knowing I'm not entirely alone. I wrote a letter to my gf because she doesn't listen to me when I talk. I am concerned that she is in on the plot to make me kill myself, I mean, these thoughts don't even feel entirely real, but real enough to be bothering me and not go away, but like I'm being manipulated into a corner so that I kill myself.

In the letter I told her that I'd rather she was honest with me and just dumped me instead of going along with their plans and whatnot. I don't want to feel like this, I wish they'd just leave me the **** alone.

X

[Arienette]

Is this what being Bpd is? Is this what bpd is? And how I fit the criteria is that what is happening to me? X

[not_so_insig]

Is this what being Bpd is? Is this what bpd is? And how I fit the criteria is that what is happening to me? X

Nobody here can diagnose you with BPD. If you think you have BPD then you should discuss with a professional.

[Arienette]

I have a Bpd diagnosis but I don't understand it, or why or how I fit it. I wondered if these feelings were maybe why I've been diagnosed it's it. X