manics_revol
22-12-2014, 05:13 PM
Hopefully this is the right place to put this, but apologies if not.
I am thinking about suicide a lot, as it seems to be the only thing that makes sense to me. I have had a couple of attempts (one last year and one this year) but, being the loser I am, I failed both times (obviously) and wound up in hospital. The first time I got put in a psychiatric ward and was there for about a week but they didn't really know what to do with me. I don't hear voices, I wasn't self-harming, I wasn't having any episodes or anything. They didn't prescribe me anything because I've been on ADs before and they've not changed anything.
Second time I got taken to A&E and then they let me out after a day and I almost went through with my plan again. I now have a new, improved plan.
Point is, there doesn't seem to be anything the hospitals or psychotherapists can really do. I'm a sane, rational person. I hold down a decent job, manage on my own and everything, it's just I am convinced everything would be better if I was dead.
They say to contact the Samaritans, or go to A&E if you're feeling suicidal, but you know in advance what they're going to say. They tell you not to do it and that things can change. But what they don't say is that things can also not change, and that you're stuck with this pitiful existence for many years to come. They never admit that that is also a possibility, even though I'm happy to admit their view is indeed possible. But while both are possible, which is the more probable? I know from my own experience which it's likely to be, and the reasoning is pretty sound. Even when you do listen to them, they don't have any arguments beyond "oh, it doesn't have to be like that". Hardly persuasive, let alone conclusive. I don't need a psychotherapist explaining to me why I am the way I am (which I think I've got pretty sussed anyway) because that does nothing to alter how things are, which is the actual problem.
I am thinking about suicide a lot, as it seems to be the only thing that makes sense to me. I have had a couple of attempts (one last year and one this year) but, being the loser I am, I failed both times (obviously) and wound up in hospital. The first time I got put in a psychiatric ward and was there for about a week but they didn't really know what to do with me. I don't hear voices, I wasn't self-harming, I wasn't having any episodes or anything. They didn't prescribe me anything because I've been on ADs before and they've not changed anything.
Second time I got taken to A&E and then they let me out after a day and I almost went through with my plan again. I now have a new, improved plan.
Point is, there doesn't seem to be anything the hospitals or psychotherapists can really do. I'm a sane, rational person. I hold down a decent job, manage on my own and everything, it's just I am convinced everything would be better if I was dead.
They say to contact the Samaritans, or go to A&E if you're feeling suicidal, but you know in advance what they're going to say. They tell you not to do it and that things can change. But what they don't say is that things can also not change, and that you're stuck with this pitiful existence for many years to come. They never admit that that is also a possibility, even though I'm happy to admit their view is indeed possible. But while both are possible, which is the more probable? I know from my own experience which it's likely to be, and the reasoning is pretty sound. Even when you do listen to them, they don't have any arguments beyond "oh, it doesn't have to be like that". Hardly persuasive, let alone conclusive. I don't need a psychotherapist explaining to me why I am the way I am (which I think I've got pretty sussed anyway) because that does nothing to alter how things are, which is the actual problem.