Really struggling mentally

[LittleCloud]

Life lately has been pure hell and I feel like I'm drowning. My partner has quit his job and is going through major depression and has recently quit his job after not being paid minimum wage for months. He is in pieces and struggling with binge eating also. As well as our income being cut down a bit I am working pretty much full-time currently but my job is casual and my hours vary- not to mention the number of night shifts I have done lately.
I can't sleep at night; am struggling with my own issues with anorexia (maybe, I think I'm too big- most likely EDNOS) and have been struggling with thoughts of self harm. A friend is very angry with me because they told my sister (I don't trust my family at all) about my eating and I am worried she'll tell my parents and I'll have to deal with THEIR feelings on this, not to mention their general lack of support and manipulation going back years. My sister, after speaking to me but otherwise having NO IDEA of the situation has messaged all my closest friends who she doesn't know trying to find out about my eating. AFTER she spoke to me and promised that she would respect me and my right to privacy. I regularly see a doctor, dietitian and counsellor so it's not like my health isn't being monitored.
I feel stuck; I'm desperately trying to lose weight because it feels like the only control and it's not like I don't have spare anyway. I'm constantly exhausted and have ended up in tears so often lately I've lost count.
I'm exuasted and feel so dirty and betrayed and unsafe by my sister's actions, not to mention my car being broken into a few weeks back and that bringing back a lot of flashbacks and memories of my sister in law assaulting me- I just feel so dirty and unsafe. My friends are there for me but sometimes it feels like there is no end. Sorry for the long message- I'm struggling so much I don't know how much longer I can hold on

[LittleCloud]

Sorry, I could just really use some support. I am trying so hard to cope but really struggling

[LittleCloud]

see my counsellor tomorrow. Some things are better. I am eating more- because my friend said I'm not losing because I'm not eating enough- so now I'm eating enough calories to lose weight; I have energy but I'm doing a lot of walking. I feel a lot less anxiety having a goal to lose and knowing how much and how to do it but I know it's not where I should be wanting to go. I feel compelled to keep going but I know when to stop. The screaming in my head is so much less when I am busy but things still need order. It's a hard balance to keep with it all :notsure:. Money is up to me for a while for both my partner and I as he is out of work, but has just started back on his meds. Thank god the change is so immediate, I don't think I could handle more. So I want to lose the weight for me

[Epicene]

I'm sorry nobody has replied to this so far.

It sounds like you're really struggling with your ED and are very set on continuing to lose weight. Your friends sound quite concerned about you; can you see why they might be worried about you losing more weight? I hope you can talk to your dietician and open up about your current state of mind. They should be able to support you and talk about small changes you can make to keep well.

[LittleCloud]

My friends are concerned, but support me in the right way. They listen and one has even said I don't eat enough to lose weight so I have upped my calories- and even though I intend to lose I do have a lot more energy. I'm not drastically underweight- in reality. I'm just a small person. I can see why my friends would worry, but I can also identify that I am now aware how much I was undereating by. I'm struggling with eating more but my energy is better. My counsellor says essentially by counting the calories I am swapping one addiction/obsession for another. I told her I'm just trying to work out how to do this but I am enjoying going running again and having energy for it. Perhaps that will be my saving grace. I'm still feeling very pressured though and so much is going on in my head about my family; my partner.... controlling food at least makes it go quiet

[Epicene]

Your counsellor is right to warn you that you may be replacing one self-harming habit with another. Running is great, but you need to have enough energy to both live and exercise on top of this. It is understandable though, if it helps you cope with your family and other stresses. Do you want to talk about those triggers at all? Opening up may be more helpful than trying to control your emotions through your ED.

[LittleCloud]

Thanks Epicene- I have more energy with the calorie plan, probably because I was eating a lot less before. It just all feels so out of control. The family stuff I am starting to heal from although I still need to speak with my sister it's just everything so out of control. I am scared my partner will not get government benefits as I'm supposedly earning too much but at the same time I'm going into a period of less work and trying to pay forward as much as I can; my partner is back on his meds but my work is still unsteady. As well as that there just feels like this seed inside saying "you never reached your real goal last time and this time you haven't even gotten as small as you were". It feels so desperately like I need that; it feels so desperately that if I'm small there will be less of me to hurt; it feels so frightening that I am stuck here without being able to lose the weight. Sorry to go on