Mental health and identity.

[Aubergine]

I went to see my CPN today. He was trying to convince me that attending a local mental health drop in was a good idea, as it might help me to talk to other people in the same situation. He also wanted me to try the recovery college, which is for people with mental health issues and people recovering from addiction. I said to him that I was wary of getting involved with stuff like that, because I don't want my mental health issues to be my identity. He has been a mental health nurse for 20 years, and said it was the first time in all that time that someone has said that. He said it was a good thing.

I feel a bit conflicted. I mean, mental health issues are a part of me. I have schizoaffective disorder, so the chemicals in my brain are not as they should be. I take an antidepressant and an antipsychotic. I came out of hospital in September, having spent time under a section, including time spent in a psychiatric low secure unit. I hear voices and I sometimes believe things that I'm told are not based in reality. I get depressed. I have, in the past, self harmed badly enough to need skin grafts on several occasions. This means I have dreadful scars, so part of the mental health stuff is visible. I know it makes up a bit of who I am.

Thing is, mental health issues are not all that I am. I have good, solid friendships. I go to church. I volunteer. I have paid work in a responsible job. I have a great relationship with my family. I'm mostly a happy, positive person. I enjoy watching comedy and listening to music. I have a little flat, that I pay for myself and run independently. I like to cook new food. I'm starting a degree in February. I'm going on holiday in march. I am so much more than the schizoaffective, so it can't be all of who I am, can it?

Does anyone else feel like this? Like, knowing that mental health is part of things, but definitely not the whole thing. Some people I have spoken to seem to think that the mental health thing is like a club. When I was in hospital, there was a lot of competing about who was the most unwell. I didn't understand it. I don't want to be part of a club. I don't wish to compare my mental health history with anyone.

Sometimes, I guess, I can see the benefit of shared experience. I know some people are incredibly unwell all of the time, and perhaps these groups and things are a positive thing for them. I can't see them being like that for me though. I think they would just hold me back, make mental health more of a big thing than it has to be for me.

I don't know. Can anyone relate? Am I wrong? Should I embrace the mental health community?

[Aardbei]

I think it's really good that you don't want it to be your identity - keeping your unwell side separate from your well side, which is so much more of what makes you a person.

I think whether you access the group/college he has suggested depends on whether you think you need it. Do you feel the need for extra support at the moment? Do you find it helpful to talk to people with similar experiences? I know I feel a little more at ease around people who have also experienced mental health problems because I can be a bit more honest about my feelings without running the risk of being judged.

As you're quite good at separating your sense of self from your mental health, do you think you could maybe do that for those things? See the drop in as a chance to hang out with likeminded people - I'm sure you'll find the group/college will focus a lot on things unrelated to mental health. For example, I used to help run a self injury self help group and often the group wouldn't talk about self injury at all - it just provided a safe space in case people did want to talk about it.

I'm rambling now but like I said, it's worth thinking about what the experience might do for you. I don't think attending means you're in with the crazies or whatever (hehe) as the group can be what you make of it. I hope this helps and made some sort of sense x

[Aubergine]

Thank you, Ali. I really appreciate it. :)

I don't think I need the extra support at the moment. Things are going reasonably well, you know? I'm a little wobbly with anxiety and occasional voices, but it's nothing horrendous. I'm managing. I'm fairly positive and am engaging with my normal life. I'm not hiding away and I haven't self-harmed since July and haven't wanted to.

I know what you mean about feeling more comfortable around those with mental health issues. I guess sometimes I do in a way, but sometimes I feel the opposite. Like when I was in hospital and I'd listen to people talking between themselves and it seemed like it was some kind of competition as to who had been injected the most times. Not everyone is like that, and I have met people who aren't like that at all, but I do find it hard and it makes me uneasy.

I've looked at the recovery college stuff and there's some relaxation stuff that might be a good idea, as anxiety seems to be a common theme in my life, though nothing debilitating on a normal day. It doesn't start until January, so I've got a while to think about it.

Haha. "In with the crazies." :P

[Epicene]

To be honest, I'm a little surprised you were advised to join drop -in/recovery college given how many other positive things you do. It sounds like you already have decent relationships and things to occupy your days, so I guess the main benefit would be sharing similar experiences with mental health. In a way, though, RYL provides some of that. Maybe you could think about how RYL helps or hinders your sense of identity and wellbeing. That could give an indicator as to whether physically meeting with others would help.

I can definitely relate to what you mean about being more than your mental health problem but still wanting to acknowledge it as part of you. For me, I've found that user led groups aren't helpful, but that having close friends with similar issues can be really supportive. I only realised that after trying different things though, so it's always worth giving things a go and see for yourself what fits.

[Aubergine]

Thank you very much for the reply. :)

I know what you mean about being surprised. He mentioned it last appointment and I brushed it off, but this appointment he came armed with a leaflet and wanted to make sure I had the phone number. I said "I'll Google it" and he said "OK, I don't want to push it down your throat" and put the leaflet back in his diary. So I think he did understand eventually that I wasn't that interested.

I find RYL helpful, but I can come and go as I please. If that makes sense? Like, if I read something and find it difficult, I can not reply and look at something else. I couldn't do that if I were face to face with someone. I probably sound like a complete cow, but I've not long come out of my own crisis and dealing with other people's is difficult.

I have two friends that I'm close to, both of whom have had similar issues. One I met in hospital about 6 years ago, and the other I met on a walking group unrelated to mental health. I find them incredibly supportive and they're much like me in that they have a lot of interests. We have a lot in common.

[Arienette]

knowing that mental health is part of things, but definitely not the whole thing.

I identify with this. I have known people for who their whole entire identity and social functioning is based upon being really unwell. When I was most unwell, and even now I desperately want to do everything I can to not become just my illnesses.

Yet at the same time, it is a part of me. It has affected a good majority of my life, and it is still there. So I talk about it and have friends who have or have had MH problems, but that isn't all we talk about. We have a normal basis for friendship as well.

I think acknowledging it and not pretending it doesn't exist isn't a good idea because then it can become more upsetting when difficulties arise. However, the other extreme of being ALL about your MH isn't a good idea either. I think though, it takes time to strike the balance.

I used to pretend it didn't exist in person. I'd deny it, keep quiet and not admit it to people and often times even myself. Now though, I feel I have managed to find the balance.

I think though it is something to bear in mind for yourself. I find it really good to be able to be honest and talk to my friends about my MH. It's good to not feel like I need to hide it all the time, however, there does need to be a balance.

I think when your MH becomes your whole identity you enter tricky waters in terms of recovery etc. However, it sounds like you know that already, which is great. xx

[Bear]

Hey. Just wanted to give you an idea of what the group may be like. I go to a day centre for people with mental health problems and I love it.
I've met so many new friends through it and we honestly rarely talk about our illnesses. I've tried new activities and got into growing my own vegetables and have regular massages and reiki which they also offer at the centre.
The staff are lovely and I've had more support from them in a crisis than from my CMHT.
But as I said it's not like we sit around and talk about how ill we are. It's just a bunch of lovely people in a safe place with support there should you need it.
Obviously everywhere is different but I can't sing the praises of my place enough. And you don't have to commit to going every day or even every week. I have plenty of other things going on in my life.
Could you try the drop in just once? What have you to lose? Nothing ventured nothing gained! X

[Ballerina123]

I feel exactly like you.
I have a mental health problem which has caused me some problems in my life but I dont see myself as a mentally ill person.
I see my self as a student, a worker, a friend. I enjoy reading, watching comedy shows, drinking coffee. I love good food and eating out. I enjoy seeing my friends. I have a cat and live in my own house. I enjoy dancing classes.
there is so much more to me than mental health.

The identity I have that doesnt have anything to do with MH is way more important to me.
MH is just a part of my life it is not my identity.

My cc also tries to get me to got to mental health groups and i decline because I dont want that to be my life. I want to be the person I am when Im not ill.

In fact I cant wait to be discharged from MH services so that I can just get on with being the real me and achieving great things not the girl with the MH issues.

[Aardbei]

The point you make about it turning into a competition sometimes is definitely a valid one, and I can see where you're coming from for sure. However, I think Bear also makes some really good points too; you don't know the group will be like that. Like she said, nothing ventured nothing gained - if you're still curious, you could give it a try. It does sound like you're doing brilliantly at the moment though and if it's not something you feel you need, you don't need to do anything about it :)

[Ballerina123]

I've done some recovery college courses in my area and I found them to be very good. They are recovery focused rather than illness focused. There was little to no competitiveness at the recovery college. The support workers don't allow it.

[Aubergine]

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. :)

I used to pretend that it didn't exist too, Utopia. That got me in a whole lot of trouble, as not accepting that I had mental health issues lead me to do things that were not conducive to recovery, which inevitable lead to relapse. I am a lot better now at realising that I do have a condition that needs managing.

Thank you, Bear. That's really helpful. I don't mean to sound down on these places, as I know that they can be helpful for people. It's interesting what you say about people not really talking about illness. I guess the only real contact I've had with other people in a similar situation has been in hospital, where there is a massive focus on being unwell.

Thanks Kate. :) It's hard, isn't it? I've been lucky with services, but even just going to the mental health building makes me squirm. It just reinforces that I have issues. I hope to be discharged in about six months, if I don't have any further relapses. Recovery college might be OK. I could phone and enquire.

Thanks again, Ali. Things are good and I don't feel that I need anything extra. It's perhaps something to bear in mind though, if things start to slip.

Hmm. Lots to think about! Thank you. :)

[Arienette]

I went to a Recovery College workshop and I agree also that the whole focus was exceptionally recovery focused. x

[sherlock holmes]

I think it's good that you don't want your mental health to become your identity, and you do already do a lot of non-MH stuff that is really positive. Though I think you need to be careful that you don't push away things that might be really helpful because you're worried about getting too involved with MH things. Attending a recovery college wont suddenly mean all you are is a patient!

I attended a course at my local recovery college and it was absolutely fantastic. It's designed to help give you more independence and confidence in your life and give you more skills to manage your illness. I went to an art one and actually just really enjoyed making stuff for three hours on a monday!

I don't view my identity as a mental health patient any more, I have a job and I am a uni student, but I still go to an art group at my CMHT and see my CPN and psychiatrist. They're parts of me, but not ALL of me.

It's great you're moving forward but as I said be careful that you don't push away things that could be really helpful.

[Ballerina123]

Omg I get so skirmish too when I go to the mental health hospital for appointments. I ask to have most my appointments at my house now just so I don't have to go back to that place where I was so ill as much.
Of course they can't do every appointment at home but I get most of them at home or in a cafe.

I'm embarking down the path of peer support work now. Now that my illness is well managed I feel like I want to give something back in a positive recovered way. I have been offered a few peer support things and I'm excited about them because it will keep me focused on recovery and hopefully give people hope that services can help if you put the work in yourself. Would that be something your more interested in. Ie being a support worker focused on recovery rather than being a service user?