I can't trust myself anymore

[Levin]

Hi ... I don't know if anyone can help me with this but I really need to talk about this and I don't know who else to ask.
I finished school a few months back, moved out and started university and somehow everything has gone really wrong since then. When you look at my life from outside, everything is really completely normal and I'm sure than everyone in my life thinks that, too. The one thing in my life that is not alright is myself - I feel like I've become really messed up and I don't know what to do anymore.
My problem is that I don't even know if I HAVE a problem or if I'm just making things up because I'm bored and frustrated. I DO have depressive tendencies, probably, but almost everyone my age probably has them and I kinda have the feeling that my problems are not as bad as I'm making them out to be.
For example I have the habit of eating too little to give myself a sense of control. I have done that for almost two years and I was ok with it and even though I am underweight it's not that bad. I started to get a bit concerned after moving out because when living alone for the first time I started to eat less and I was beginning to think that this might escalate and I was a bit worried that I might be starting to develop an eating disorder. So I signed up on a genereal health board and described my issues to the people there, I also talked about other things like destructive thoughts that I often have. What I had somehow expected was that the people there would tell me that I probably have some minor issues with eating and that I should do this and that to improve my eating habits. What DID happen was that the people there told me that they think that I am depressed, have an eating disorder and probably some kind of personality disorder. I got private messages from two people asking me if I had ever heard of Borderline Personality Disorder because what I wrote sounded like I might have that.
I know that no one on the internet can give me a diagnosis but I have started to feel really unsettled since then. I have completely lost the ability to tell if I am overthinking things and just need to start doing something useful again with my life and everything will be ok again, or if I'm really mentally ill and need professional help.
I can't ask anyone because I don't want my family or friends to find out how messed up I am. And I don't think I can talk to someone professional because whatever I say feels like a lie to me. When I say that I'm fine and that I'm not depressed and don't have any problems, then it feels like I'm playing things down. But when I say that I have trouble eating, that I hurt myself and that I think about suicide a lot, it feels like I'm exaggerating (because I don't eat THAT little, don't REALLY self-harm and only THINK about killing myself but would never actually do it).
I simply have no idea how to figure out what is really going on with me.

[Miss Reena]

I can't try to diagnose you as I have no medical training in this matter. I can offer my opinion, though.

It seems to me like you're going through a party of your life where you're trying to fund yourself. From my experience with these feelings, the beat treatment is enrichment. Find ways to remind yourself that you're not just trudging through time, and that you're experiencing life. Take a humanities course, watch a well-made movie, grow a terrarium, write a story. Make it nice to be alive.

Perhaps you might also need someone to talk to. I'd suggest going to a counsellor first, and just discuss your life and what you think might be wrong. You can move from there on what to do, since you sound independent.

Whatever you do, I hope that at least nothing worsens <3

[tiptoes]

In my experience change can do dreadful things to my mental health. I've found it is important to be patient with myself and just focus on doing the little things to look after myself helps.

I can say whether what you are feeling is a problem or not but it does sound like things are hard for you right now and that alone means it is real and it doesn't matter how your problems compare to anyone elses.

There is no one on the internet that can diagnose you with anything, it took me so long to get my diagnosis and that because there are so many things that can look similar and people's histories are complicated. It takes time, first to improve how you are feeling and secondly to work out the root of it. Do you think that you could see a doctor about how you are feeling? Or is there a support centre at your university? I have found student support really helpful.

Could you write how you feel as facts and then there is no playing it down or exagerating it just the facts.