Confused, Struggling (long story) Help/Advice?

[jessmarie123]

I'm so stuck right now. I fought recovery from anorexia and depression and self harm for several years, and was actually feeling pretty great as I went back to school.
I started working out again (because I always still have that nagging fear of being fat) and I guess I kinda became a bit dependent on exercise to feel okay. Last week, I had to stop the obsessive exercising because I injured my back.
I guess I was doing okay without the exercise, but I'm not really in a great home environment. My mom and grandma and sister are all condescending and disrespectful and cold. They don't understand me, or even try. I can never be good enough for my mother, and she always picked on me about my weight and eating habits, so that's where the eating issues came in. Now she always has something to blame me for or criticize. I always feel so alone around my family. I don't really have many people to see in person for support and companionship, and I am really afraid that I'll burden people.
So, I was doing okay until last Thursday night. I was broken down, sad, and alone, and I cut for the first time in months. I got all freaked out and felt down and depressed like I was when I was struggling in recovery.
The next day, I was extremely high stressed and emotional and broke down. I went to one friend (who works at a doctor's office, is my nurse, and knows all about my issues). I broke down and vented to her and showed her what I did. She convinced me to have an appointment with my doctor at this office. They both told me I did the right thing by opening up, and I explained a little bit more of my situation, and I now I am back on my anti-depressant.
The thing is, I couldn't tell my mom that I cut, because when I first self harmed, she got mad and yelled at me and got critical and made everything worse. The doctor and nurse told me what I said was confidential, but they had to call and assure that it was okay for me to be seen, since I'm only 16. I had them call my grandma, since my mom had gotten a pre-cancerous mole removed that day and I didn't want to stress her out.

Now, I'm struggling emotionally as bad as I used to, my mom went to go after the doctor and nurse today when it's my fault (My mom doesn't care about my life unless she can have influence and control over it. I don't want her to ruin the friendship I have with the nurse, she is my strongest supporter and a positive, strong influence.) , I'm feeling alone and hopeless, doubting myself and my perception of what's going on. I don't want to fight through the day. Since I opened up about the cutting, I haven't done it, I'm trying to fight using the Butterfly Project, but the ridiculous voices in my head keep telling me that I haven't cut enough to deserve help and support and love. I want to be able to get help from people like my friend, but I'm afraid of being a burden. I'm staring to wonder why people have put up with me and my messed up life this long.:-(

[Amaranth]

I can really relate to the way your family and particularly your mum treat you, my mum is very similar towards me. It's only very recently that my counsellor has told me that it's psychological abuse, and it sounds like that's what you're suffering as well.
Don't beat yourself up for cutting, relapses happen to most people and doesn't mean things have to go back to the way they were.
I think you did the right thing too by opening up to your friend and your doctor, don't worry about burdening other people, I'm sure they would much rather you talked to them than suffer in silence. You can always ask people if they are happy for you to talk to them or ask them if they feel burdened.
Try and stay strong with regards to your mum - I know that's much easier said than done, but remember she has no right to treat you like that and it is not your fault.

[jessmarie123]

It really helps to have someone to relate to and understand the situation. Sometimes I just need a little reminder that I can be okay as a person. Feeling alone in the situation sucks, but having others try to help makes life a little more hopeful. <3

[sunnyskies16]

First, I'd like to say just from your post on my post "STUCK!" you are an incredibly kind, caring person. Don't ever think you're a burden. I'm sure your friend would prefer you seek out help rather than hurt yourself again. YOU always deserve help, love and support so DON'T ever think you don't. Also, I'm really proud of you for seeking help in the first place when you cut. That takes a lot of courage to do, not everyone would do that. I know what its like to feel alone and hopeless, so all I can say is take your own advice that you posted on my post and DON'T GIVE UP! My dad is quite critical as well and it's a terrible feeling. All I can say is maybe try and let your mom know how you're feeling and otherwise try and distance yourself. I know that's hard, but you don't need her or anyone tearing you down. Shoot me a message sometime I'd like to talk to you :). Feel better!