Struggling. Support maybe?

[Arienette]

I haven't felt suicidal in a long time. Not really. I've felt down, and had maybe one day since July or so, but it really was just a one day blip.

I feel though, like I am slipping again. I have been having a really tough time with an awful lot of stresses. I've been having dissociative episodes again, (switching), just a few, but more than before and for a long time. I have been having panic attacks over nothing much, like being surrounded by people.

I've been crying sometimes, and other times entirely numb. I've been having break downs, and had a break down at college the other day and had to sit my exam mid break down and just get on with it. That's the thing, I'm trying really hard to "just get on with it"

I don't know what to do. I'm trying really hard to just push on. Last time I saw the GP mid-breakdown on wednesday she was trying to convince me to go along with a referral back to the CMHT.

I really don't want to fall back into services properly, I don't really know what I want from this thread or what I'm asking for. Ideally I'd like to just run away.

I have noticed though that my thoughts have started to drift back to suicide - which is really upsetting because it means I'm struggling even though I don't actually want to die right now. I just don't want to fall back into that place where I was before because it really was just torture.

[chopingirl1810]

Hi there,

I'm really sorry you feel such that way lately. It makes me upset because recently I've felt severely depressed & triggered as well. I guess it hurts me seeing others struggling :( x

Do you believe there was a specific event that sparked the downfall? Sometimes it's not as obvious but maybe there's something you've been stressed with, like you mentioned. I know it can be difficult to do this, but when you have those suicidal thoughts, or you are in the middle of a breakdown, try to think about positive things. Like a time in the past when you were truly happy. That's so cheesy, I know. Or, try to remember the last time you were close to suicide/suicidal thoughts. Think about what made you stop & hang on for just a bit longer.

Keep in mind that we are all here to support each other, and I'm here as well if you ever want to PM <3

[keep_it_together]

I know it feels like taking a step backwards to go back on medication after a break or be put back into the services when you've been discharged but they're forms of support that we all need from time to time.

We're even guilty of stigmatising mental illness because deep down we don't want to believe we rely on meds or be officially on some list that means that you're in the care of the CMHT. It makes us feel bad to have to use these things or increasing dosages and it feels like recovery is taking a step backwards but these services are there to help us and if you're feeling bad again I'd urge you to please let them give you all the help they can if you're feeling that way.

Lets face it, the services we get to help us on the NHS aren't fantastic but lets try to make the most of what they do give us.

I know what you mean about just trying to get on with it. I've been the same way and resisted going back on meds last time but in the end when you're at the end of your tether you need to grab on to any help that's offered to try to make things better.

What do you think?

[Arienette]

Do you believe there was a specific event that sparked the downfall?
Everything is just falling apart. I'm having housing stresses as per always. It's affecting my relationship. My partner is depressed and I'm getting the brunt of it 24/7 and she's holding me accountable for her feelings and emotions, which I don't think is fair.

We're even guilty of stigmatising mental illness because deep down we don't want to believe we rely on meds or be officially on some list that means that you're in the care of the CMHT.
My issue with the CMHT is that they made me worse because all I got from them was stigma and no help what so ever. They would just tell me to get on with it and loads of other rubbish, and they made me feel mocked for telling them about things that were happening for me. So I stopped. Like I only just told someone about the voices coming back, but I'd be waaayyy too scared to tell anyone else, it is just that this one therapist is someone I have seen before, and she is seeing me for 3-4 sessions to help me figure some stuff out and manage again. NO WAY would I tell anyone else though. I wouldn't be able to use them, I couldn't when I was under them. And when I did try and use them, they were just nasty to me, or inconsistent, or always lying and so I can't trust them one bit.

I'm struggling. I'm not coping at all and can't manage to do everything expected of me. My partner has become depressed and her anger is so difficult to take because 90% of the time it is directed at me. She makes it so that i don't want to come home anymore even more so. (Also having problems because my landlord is spying on us and has bugged our house etc) we're supposed to support one another but she keeps flipping and I'm always the wrong one. She says about how I'm the most selfish person ever and it's making me feel like such a terrible person that I want to give up all my work towards my own recovery and just OD and end it all.

I actually want to live and continue with studying etc but life is so unbearable at home and I'm so trapped that I feel like I have no other way out. I can't speak on the phone because she is home even though I'm hiding in the bath, and my landlord is spying on us and I don't want him to hear how much of a mess I am because he will enjoy it, and I don't want to give him that satisfaction.

I feel so hopeless tonight.

And i have a huge headache because she head butted me in the face earlier, and it bloody hurt because I said I didn't want to go pn a walk, because I Was having a bag day and needed to look after myself today.

She hasn't even apologised, just had a go at me for "whats wrong with you now?" and then asked if I want to watch TV. Umm no, I don't want to be anywhere near her.

I hate home. And I have no where else to go. But I can't stay here. I hate it.

[JusC]

I'm glad ur GP seems to understand what may work best for u. It's worth a try. You got nothing to use! Yh it's another service but they are there for a good reason! To help people all
over come through on the other side.

What do u think would be worth trying?

[Arienette]

I'm OK. Kind of. My old CMHT have contacted my GP about me and now I have to have an appointment tomorrow and I don't even understand what for.

It's driving me up the wall with anxiety because no-one can tell what is in the bloody letter. They didn't even have my permission to contact my GP anymore - I've not been under them for months.

They said duty would call me back about it to explain, but I doubt they will because they'll have other stuff to deal with, and even if they didn't, the duty never will phone back. I'm stressing out so much now!

[keep_it_together]

Are your old CMHT supporting your partner too? Perhaps they wanted to make sure you were doing okay knowing what your other half is going through?

I'm sorry it sounds like things are really hard for you at the moment but it might be an opportunity to tell your GP you're struggling and perhaps up your meds to help?

[Arienette]

I saw my GP. It was about an event that had been reported to the CMHT and she was worried about me.

I'm trying really hard to pull myself back up though,and managed to go to college today: which helped a lot because my favourite class mate was in, so that was nice.

My college are also being very supportive. I'm just finding it hard because I feel so all over the place lately, but hopefully I can pull out of it. The less time I spend at home I have realised the better I manage, so I am going to bare that in mind.

The woman who wrote the letter had nothing to with my care at the CMHT but suggested a re-referral but the head psych said he didn't advise it, and I don't want to either. At least I have support in college now though, as I saw them today and they're being really good about it: and even letting me sit in the medical room for quiet time should I need it - which would have been super helpful last week, so probably will be in the future.

I just feel so unconnected and confused an erratic lately. It's hard to manage.