Admission

[when.will.it.end]

I'm being transferred inpatient as soon as a bed comes up. I'm exhausted. A hug would be great. :ermm:

[youonlyliveonce]

What's happened to cause u to be admitted

What do you want from the admission

[when.will.it.end]

Dissociation stuff. I don't really want the admission, I don't want to take up the bed but I think I'd be sectioned is I didn't go voluntary. Hoping for a bit of a break to get myself together. Still waiting for them to find a bed and get transferred which is literally going to take hours. I'm on a medical bed ATM.

[Fire Fly]

Katie, have you learnt any techniques with coping with dissociation.You go through number of admissions where you go to London because of dissociation and then you have a flashback and end up either on s136 or inpatient some how or another.

Have you got any techniques that may help you from getting dissociated? Do you have a recovery bag? Foe example I find when I'm starting to dissociate when I am to tell or feel it if im able to I try to dig out this bag and try using things n it to help me bring me back to the here and now. For example:
~smell - a strong smell of something (so I use a really strong citrus oil) I use one that i find horrible,
~touch - play doh - (but this can also be for smell) it reminds of being a happy child and feeling safe
~seeing i use photos on my phone of happy times and also times I was feeling safe.
~taste- Strong mints or something that you find that gives you a buzz like wasabi peas
hear- something you like to listen to.


What would you like to achieve from this admission? Try to actually distinguish what you want. Some part of you is thinking logically because you committed and agreed to go informal into hospital so you know you need help. Maybe consider your selfharm and whether ligatures are something you are going to say no to. you've been doing well without hospital so you commited to change before maybe now try with the staff to see what you can get out of another admission. perhaps they could help you find accommodation, get you help with other things?

Be safe Katie.

[when.will.it.end]

Thanks. Never heard of a recovery bag, it's a good idea. There are grounding techniques like making lists and trying to remember things about my life and what not, but they are hard to do after a certain point. I do have a spikey ball from my ot but I can dissociate from it very easily. Things like baths help. I have been working on stuff though. I won't be ligaturing or self harming once I'm there, that's not the issue. It feels like failure being admitted again but everyone else disagrees.

[Crazy Cat Lady]

Hi Katie,

I'm so sorry things are so hard at the moment.

I often notice signs before I go into a full dissociative state. I start to feel dizzy, starry and generally out of sorts. I'm really learning to ground myself; I write down what I can see, feel, hear, smell and try to anything which keeps me in the present.

It's never a failure to be admitted; it actually shows a great deal of strength.

You know where I am if you need me.

Take gentle care of yourself and don't feel bad to let others look after you for a while.

x

[when.will.it.end]

Thank you lovely. I'll talk to my team about the dissociation in more detial when I'm back in Leeds. I'm struggling a lot because I've been stuck on a medical ward on 1:1 for 24 hours now and I need to get out. I've still got a 4 hour journey to get through and won't get in until midnight. Oddly I've actually managed to eat today because I never normally eat in hospitals. Two proper meals even!! I'm pretty out of it but spoke to my cc which helped. Although I will be sectioned if I try and leave so I'm not doing that.

[youonlyliveonce]

Wat made U go to London

U need to put things in place earlier to stop this

[Snow White.]

I'm glad you've had something to eat, well done :)

I hope the transfer and admission go okay xx

[when.will.it.end]

Nothing is making sense. I can't piece anything together. I'm completely overwhelmed and I can't cope. What the hell am I meant to do locked up in some random psych ward??

[when.will.it.end]

U need to put things in place earlier to stop this

Thank you that's very helpful.

[Pomegranate]

Thank you that's very helpful.

I wonder why that comment seems to have upset you? It seems a reasonable remark/comment/question. What do you think you've put in place so far that has helped to manage things? Are you wanting support or advice to develop those things or 'just' hugs/sympathy?

[Foxtrot Oscar]

I wonder why that comment seems to have upset you? It seems a reasonable remark/comment/question. What do you think you've put in place so far that has helped to manage things? Are you wanting support or advice to develop those things or 'just' hugs/sympathy?

I am also wondering why the sarcasm? Surely this revolving door cycle must be disruptive to your life? Would you like to change that?

[when.will.it.end]

I'm too upset to deal with this right now, I'll come back to it later. Thanks for the replies.

[Snow White.]

I understand the sarcasm, if I was about to go into hospital and someone just told me "you need to do something to stop this happening" it's a bit, obvious, isn't it? It's like saying to someone who self harms "you need to stop". It's easy to know that but you might need support and ideas to do that, not just being told. I guess the post appears just a bit blunt to someone who has spent several hours in hospital.

[Foxtrot Oscar]

I don't agree at all but this is Katie's thread and I don't think it would be fair for me to 'hijack' it by arguing my point.

[youonlyliveonce]

I wasn't trying to be mean but a few days ago U were saying how well U were doing then U suddenly went to London now Ur back I. Hosp...do u want to keep going into hosp what about uni etc...it seems like U might be doing this to keep the support U have (not a critism just observation) I have done this in the past etc

If I'm being honest it's quote frustraiting U ending back in hospital as U were starting to progress with uni etc but it is your life

[Snow White.]

^ That does sound like a quick transition, I guess it is worth thinking about what has happened and if going to London was a trigger?

youonlyliveonce has some good questions - are you still going to uni?

[when.will.it.end]

I want support. It upset me because it seems like an obvious comment and as useful as saying 'just recover' which if I knew how to do I would have done already. I'm ashamed I'm in this situation and it just reinforces that. I have tried to contain things by talking to people around me, planning distraction things and trying to be rational. Just because I don't explicitly say what I've been doing doesn't mean I haven't been working my ****ing arse off to try and prevent this. It's frustrating for you that I've ended up in hospital? Why so you even care? If it's frustrating for you how do you think it makes me feel? This is my life.

[Snow White.]

I'm sorry things are so hard now Katie, I imagine it is extremely frustrating and beyond for you to be going through this. Have you been transferred to a hospital yet? x How are the staff treating you?

[when.will.it.end]

Thank you lovely.

Yeah I got here late last night. Just saw psych. Didn't like him much. He said I'm on general obs and unescorted leave on the grounds so I'm scared I'll get bad and go to London again. Yes I know I need to talk to staff. Which I will do but I don't know anyone here and it's scary. I might self discharge, it doesn't feel safe here at all. I don't know what to do.

[Snow White.]

Why are you scared that you'll get bad and go to London again? (Sorry, what does go to London mean for you?)

It's scary when you first get to a new place and it can take a bit to suss out who you're comfortable talking to and what to say, Ihope once you settle in a bit it gets easier. Please give it some time before you discharge yourself - emotions are high because you just got there, that is so normal, please wait it out before you make any decisions.

[youonlyliveonce]

It's frustraiting for me because Iv been following Ur threads for a while now n U have developed so its hard to see u ending up in hospital

I never said U shud just recover the reason I asked what things U cud put in place is so U can think of this whilst In hospital so U reduce the chance if going back

I know that if certain things happen I'm more likely to relapse so I put things in place to reduce it from happening or safety measures for when it does

It seems like U going to London causes u to end up in hospital so how come you ended up there(serious question I want to undestsnd)

I never said U were working hard at any point I wctuslly acknowledged U had

I also gave u the softly softly approach to start before I asked the questions...if u feel ashamed of being in hospital do u really think everyone saying poor U is going to change that or reinforce it

I'm Defo not trying to b nasty or bitchy im trying to get U to think about how you can reduce these behaviours as I undestand how detrimental they are and how bring borderline feeds this as I aldo have this as a diagnosis

[when.will.it.end]

London is home. Familiar and safe and my life is there. although apparently that's wrong I don't really know. They're not writing me up for any prn anyway.

[Snow White.]

Perhaps you can focus on going back to London after you have a short stay in hospital and sort out what is going no for you now? I know that hospital is scary, so you don't want to be there and you'd rather be home, but sometimes it is necessary.

Do you ever do any meditation, deep breathing, or mindfulness? Even just slow, steady and deep breathing can help you to really calm your physical symptoms and your mind, and if you are distressed right now about where you are it can be a helpful thing to try and do. xx

[when.will.it.end]

Youonlyliveone: double post. This is just about being borderline though, it's dissociation. I genuinely get confused about the yar, where I live, what's real. In my worst moments I live in London, it's 2007, I go to school and live with my friends. I ended up in hospital because my cc called. It's not like that 100% of the time it fluxautes but in the completely gone moments I go to London because I want to go home and carry on with my life as I know it. It's incredibly distressing being in unfamiliar surroundings and not understand the nature of reality. It's scary and overwhelming. It feels like you're attacking me, which is the last thing I need right now. I've just to explain myself as best as possible. This isn't me being attention seeking and wanting an admission, this is me being so fmconfused that people around me think an admission is necessary.

[when.will.it.end]

Thanks Snow White, I'll try that.

[youonlyliveonce]

I'm not attacking U far from it that is your perception of what I said
There was a lot of positives that I wrote in my post
At no point did I call u an attention seeker I worded it very carefully using my Dbt skills so it didn't come across like that

[youonlyliveonce]

Iv done a search about hoe to stop dossisociation and this thisean quite a good post
https://www.myptsd.com/c/threads/ideas-for-stopping-dissociation.9576/

[when.will.it.end]

I'm just telling you how it felt.

[youonlyliveonce]

Then you need to look at how U are interpreting things people are saying

[when.will.it.end]

Or you need to look at how you are wording things and explain what you mean more, something beyond 'u need to stop this from happening'

[youonlyliveonce]

I used my Dbt skills to reply to ur messages...how wud u have liked me to of worded it then

[when.will.it.end]

That's good you're using dbt skills but even just saying 'can you think of any ways to stop this from happening in the future' would have been better, much less confrontational

[youonlyliveonce]

Even if I had worded it like that it comes across like that would have upset U too but I will take that on board

[when.will.it.end]

No it wouldn't have, how do you know how I would feel about something?

[Snow White.]

That's good you're using dbt skills but even just saying 'can you think of any ways to stop this from happening in the future' would have been better, much less confrontational

This turns out into a question which is useful, as it can help Katie in brainstorming ideas and a reply. The original post was not malicious but didn't really lend itself to a discussion.

I'm any case I think Katie has explained a good method of communicating and youonlyliveconce has been using her dbt skills and taken it on board too as a suggestion so perhaps we move on from it, I sense this discussion isn't helpful for anyone.

Katie maybe in your down time on hospital you could think about what you would put in your recovery bag? That was a great idea from the first page. You could make a list on paper and people might be able to help you get the items.

[when.will.it.end]

Fair enough.

Yeah thanks I think that's a good idea. I've taken prn, which had done nothing and I'm waiting to talk to staff. I feel really rough but calmer than I did yesterday. I've had a cigarette and watching friends, hopefully someone will come and see me tonight. Does anyone have any ideas for a recovery bag? I feel guilty for taking up a bed. And I'm annoyed at the doc for not giving me some prn that actually does something. He said I should persist with it but what's the point? I would get more of an effect from sallowing sugar!

[Wonderland.]

What is it you want the PRN to do specifically? Could you achieve that result without medication? Say through mindfulness for instance.

As for the recovery bag, Rupi gave some good ideas about what you could put in it to help with the Dissociation. Things to engage your senses, such as strong mints, playdoh, smelling salts. Perhaps it is something the OTs could help you put together.

Is there a plan at all for this admission?

[youonlyliveonce]

The reason I said you might react that way is from reading ud posts over a period of time

You are very aggressive towards me when all I have tried to do is help


Anyway
The things U need to think about for ur recovery bag is ur 5 senses and what you like


Prn is often not very helpful plus it's how you react to taking it as if u think its not going to work it often won't... Have U asked the doc y U shud teg it again as he or she will be very knowledgeable

I think u need to sit down with ur team and sort out a safety plan for when your out a step by step plan of what you could do if any distressing situation comes up or if u find Urself is certain places ie London this way U are clear what is expected of U and the team around you

[when.will.it.end]

Flashbacks/agitation/anxiety/insomnia.

No clear plan, having a CPA next Tuesday and probably discharge from there. Talked to staff, helped a bit. Cc is coming tomorrow.

Feel very out of sorts but I'm trying. I really suck at life sometimes don't i? And a member of staff just commented on my weight gain. Terrific.

[sherlock holmes]

How are you doing today?

Have you talked to staff about your dissociation and about making a recovery bag?

[when.will.it.end]

Thanks for asking x

Had a very very stressful day yesterday and didn't cope with it very well. Just a few things happened that I found hard. Ended up self harming so had to get that sorted which was a bit of a ball ache. Have spoken to staff but just talking about discharge and things. Talked about what triggered all this. I found out I'm probably moving out of Brigid really soon, depending on beds and things, which brought me firmly back into 2014 which was hard. I kicked off at my cpn, well sent him a text, which is so completely out of character and feel pretty guilty about it now.

But whatever, I'm fine I guess.

[youonlyliveonce]

I really panicked wen moving out of supported housing even though it wasn't particularly helpful
Cud that be the trigger for this tjete is no shame in that

[when.will.it.end]

Yes it's a major trigger, the main one I think. Along with worrying about my younger siblings getting abused by my dad and everything. And I'm getting discharged from my cpn at the same time. There's been a lot going on.

Just had a visit which helped :)

[Wonderland.]

Thats a lot to be dealing with.

Is there a plan in place to help move things forward?

Glad having a visit has helped.

[when.will.it.end]

As far as I can tell the plan is to get discharged early next week. In terms of my siblings I spoke to my step mum and she's going to make some calls. I don't know what's happening about moving and discharge from pd. there's a chance a place may become available in a lower level supported housing in a few weeks. If not I'll have to find my own place ASAP.

[when.will.it.end]

Thank you, I think it's losing the support that's the scariest part, aside from the obvious stress of trying to organise a move. I'd going to be a massive step down and I'm getting discharged from the team at the same time. It's not great timing.

Struggling a bit, just purged for the first time in a few days. Wish I hadn't eaten at all. Bit disappointed in myself.

[Wonderland.]

It is going to be stressful, but you can try and prepare yourself for that. How about speaking to the staff and putting a crisis management plan in place? So if you do end up in a crisis you know where you can go for help, and what things you can do yourself.

Whilst on the ward it may also be helpful to complete a WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) - which does contain a crisis management plan at the end. That would be something to ask the OTs about.

Try not to stress too much about eating and purging. It has been one of your (maladaptive) coping techniques for a while now. You can't change that it's happened. But you could try and come up with a few other coping skills that you could do next time an urge arises.

[when.will.it.end]

Yeah that's a good idea, thanks.

I asked to talk to staff because im struggling but apparently everyone is busy. My afternoon worker hasn't even approached me today, none of them have, not sure what to do now. I want to self harm but don't want to have to get stitches or anything again.

[Wonderland.]

Go back and try and speak to them again. Tell them you are feeling unsafe. Tell them you are getting urges to cut again and would like their help in staying safe. Whether that means getting some PRN and/or having a chat with a member of staff.

[when.will.it.end]

My worker said that there's staff off the unit on the general side and she's the only member of staff at the nurses station. She was pretty clear and pissy about being busy I'm not keen on asking again only to get the same response. I could try I suppose but don't really have the confidence. I'm not written up for any prn, they won't give me anything even if I ask.

[Wonderland.]

Would it help to just sit in communal areas for a bit?

Just think she is going to be even more busy if she has to deal with you self harming. I'm sure she would much rather you go back to her before you do anything.

[when.will.it.end]

Yeah I know. That's what annoys me really. I'm gona go for a walk.

[Wonderland.]

Going for a walk sounds like a good idea. Hopefully getting some fresh air will help.

And hopefully once you come back in the night staff will be on and you'll have someone you can approach if you are still feeling like harming.

[when.will.it.end]

The same thing has happened again. I asked to talk to staff hours ago. It's completely pointless me being here if I can't have any contact wih staff. I might discharge myself. It makes me feel so worthless. If I wasn't here I wouldn't have to deal with this.

[Ranger Fairy]

I am sorry to hear staff are busy again. However could get recreate what you would like from them in a different way? What sort of support to do you want them to give?

If it's talking about how you are feeling, could you let it out on paper now and give it to them when they have more time?

Could you help to yourself to distract or keep busy? Maybe take the focus from how you are feeling to write a letter to someone else?

[when.will.it.end]

Just someone to talk to, to be heard. I ended up calling Brigid and they called the ward. I'm feeling so sensitive and neglected. I understand everyone is busy and I'm not that ill and other people need more help than I do but it's hard, what's the point in my being here? I have been writing and distracting.