My friend with eupd

[Ballerina123]

I have a friend who has eupd. Her moods and emotions are very sporadic and, mostly when she is drunk, she becomes extremely selfish. I'm not sure if the selfishness is part of eupd or weather it's just a trait she has personally.

For example tonight my mum drove her 300 miles to my house (we live on the other side of the country). We took her out for dinner and some wine.
We paid for it all. We don't mind but at no point did she say thank you or offer to chip in.
She continued to order drinks and became drunk.
We said we needed to get back because we had parked the car in a pay and display.
We walked to the bus stop and she disappeared.
I called her and asked where she was and she was like "I don't know... oh hang on im in a pub" I told her to come to the bus stop so we could go back and get the car.
She was like "no I've met some people im gonna stay out".
I said where will you stay tonight if you stay out late.
she said "ill come back to yours". I said I don't mean to be a party pooper but my mum's here too and we can't wait up all night for you while you stay out all night clubbing with a stranger. (She doesn't have a key to my house but she knows where I live).
I eventually convinced her to get on the next bus to mine. She agreed.

It probably sounds trivial but we drover her half way across the country for free and then got drunk, p***ed off and then expected me and my mum to wait up all night while she got drunk.

Recently she has been doing stuff like this a lot. Getting really drunk and then going off and doing what she wants and expecting others to look after her.

She also always thinks that her problems are the worst. I'm nit saying that they are not bad and she is nit struggling but if I mention a problem she will simply say "well that's nit as bad as mine". I Don't care who's problem is worse I would just like some support from her too because after all we are meant to be friends and friends support each other.

I feel like i just look after her and run around after her all the time. Her attitude towards me and others makes me angry and i often end up just walking away and leaving it to her.

Is there anything I can do because I really can't see our friendship lasting if this carries on?

Sorry this may not be a eupd thing but I just wondered if because she is very emotionally unstable weather it could cause theses sorts of issues. Sorry if its not im just not sure and i know everyone with eupd experiences it differently

[Serendipity.]

Have you tried talking to her about it? Like, calmly, when you're both calm and there's no alcohol involved? If it is getting to you this much and you're questioning whether your friendship can continue, you probably don't have a lot to lose by letting her know how you're feeling. It may make it easier if you try not to make it sound like an accusation, just let her know that you find it difficult when x and you'd like it if y could happen. If it's easier to write it down, then do that.

When I've had relationships with people who have been emotionally draining by needing support all the time and not giving any, I've found it helpful to try and set limits. So, talking about her problems is okay at certain times but you could try suggesting that there are times where you don't talk about negative things and try to focus more on positives, or doing something fun together. It may be that she just doesn't realise that she's always bringing it back round to her problems, so if you need support from her, you could try asking for 15 minutes (or however long) to just talk about what's going on for you, not anyone else.

Other than that I don't really know what would help. Do you feel like the friendship is worth trying to save? Are there positive aspects too?

Also, I don't think it is an EUPD thing? I would be very upset to think that I treated people that way, and I don't think it is right to put these things down to a diagnosis.

[random.swirls]

I think some people with mental illnesses would be eejits regardless of mental health problems and some are eejits because of there mental health issue.

So it's a difficult one to assess but see if she apologises today. I think you do need to talk to her when your both sober and calm and maybe try and find out why she ran off as that may give you a clue to if she's an eejit or ill.

I think if your gettin tired of running around after her than withdrawing a bit maybe an idea.

[youonlyliveonce]

I have eupd n I need strong boundaries so u need to sit her down n be like I don't like xyz I still love u but this needs to stop

It sounds like she's just being an idiot tbf n not an eupd but still u need to be strong with her

[sherlock holmes]

It's probably unfair to blame it all on her diagnosis. She sounds like she's a bit of an arse at times and everyone can behave like that regardless of if they have a mental illness or not.

It'll be good to sit her down and have a chat when she's not drunk and let her know how you feel.

[Epicene]

Like others have said, it probably isn't helpful to associate this behaviour with her diagnosis. That said, it might be worth bearing her emotional sensitivity in mind when approaching her about this and sharing your point of view. You are absolutely entitled to share your thoughts, but if there is any chance of her taking it offensively it might take a bit of thinking about before you have a chat.

[in_BPD_hell]

She sounds very immature! I don't think it's her eupd

[Ballerina123]

I spoken to her today about it and she said it was part if her eupd. She said her psychiatrist had said it was a symptom.

All of you are saying it's not but her and her psych are saying it is so I feel quite confused.

I guess it does t really matter. Talking about the situation is better in spite of the reasons behind it.

I told her that I can't hang out with her anymore if she is going g to drink and she agreed that was ok.
She said she realises it's out of order but says it's because she is mentally ill and she needs theraphy.

Please no on take offense. Just because she acts like this and has eupd I am not under any impression that it's typical of those with the disorder. Every situation and set of symptoms s is individual.

[youonlyliveonce]

Tbh Hun I think she is using it as a excuse to her behaviour

[talaiporia]

I think, regardless of diagnoses, a pet hate of mine is people hiding behind mental illness as an excuse to do crappy things.

EUPD doesn't make her do those things; it might well have reduced her impulse control, or make her more inclined to do them, but she had a choice. To be honest, as others say, it might well not be related at all, and just be her. We all make bad choices sometimes; we can't use being ill as an excuse unless our being ill make us unable to make the choice or mean they were completely lacking insigiht.

[in_BPD_hell]

Eupd can make you more sensitive and more likely to engage in risky behaviours but it's her choice to behave that way. When I want to scream
And throw things around or run away - I don't. Because I know it's not right. She may be unwell and have those thoughts but it's her choice to act

[Ballerina123]

Your right. She has made a choice not to drunk for the rest of the time she is staying at my flat so I guess she is taking some responsibility.

I guess I didn't really know weather it was a trait of illness or not. I think part of me wanted it to be illness because then it's like i can blame the illness rather than thinking my friend is just horrible.

She said she acts the way she dose because she has such intense emotions and she doesn't know how to cope with them other than acting out.

Anyway I can feel tension in this thread so ill just leave it and see how it goes.
My intention was never to say that people with eupd are rude or nasty, which I get the feeling you think. Sorry if it came across that way. X

[Serendipity.]

I'm glad that you managed to talk to your friend and she's been acting more responsibly.

I'm not offended or anything. I really have better things to do with my time than get offended by things I read on RYL ;) I'm sorry if it came across that way. However, I have had similar issues with friends who have no mental health problems. Everyone has good traits and negative traits, regardless of whether they have a mental health condition. I don't think it means they are horrible, I don't think it necessarily means that your friend is 'just horrible'. It's just that everyone makes mistakes and everyone has some less than flattering qualities.

I do, however, think that the idea that being rude and selfish is a trait of EUPD is a harmful one, albeit widespread. There's nothing wrong with asking, and I don't think anyone is annoyed with you at all. Just offering another viewpoint, that's all :)

[youonlyliveonce]

I'm not annoyed about what you said I'm frustrated for you as this is a way u have been treated

[in_BPD_hell]

I certainly wasn't frustrated either and understandable why you want to blame illness