But you're not "that sick" * may trigger bit of rant sorry

[bitomato]

So I've been triggered for over 2 months, unable to sleep, diagnosed myself with PTSD and things have escalated quite severely. I was not really keeping my medical appointments and forgeting my meds a bit. Went into a severe depressive funk end of June and a deeper one in July. Two triggers both school related. Now going into something that has triggered serious near relapses 4 years straight. So I want to be prepared.

Conversation to top all conversations:
My words- my priority is my health so I need to go exercise cause I am not sleeping and you didn't bring my sleeping tablets.

Their words- oh it's your fault because you did not organise to have them brought to you.

My words- when you are sick, you do things when they are convenient to you- well I am sick now.

Their words- Well you're not that sick.

First off my stay safe plan- that I came up with to not have too many sleeping tablets on hand SUCKS. I am prescribed PRN/ as needed but because I was so triggered recently I used it nightly- so my small amount went completely and quickly. The pharmacy messed up and refilled it every time I went rather than when I requested them so I gave this person all because it was dangerous- in my opinion to risk having them to hand, but this is the second time I have to beg, coordinate and wait to get them back. Just a few- but it is ridiculous!! We've already established that the arrangement isn't working because of the person's view of my mental health status- "coercion" was the word I read today and "patriarchy" in terms of not allowing a person control over their own affairs. Another person was telling me not to take them and try to do without- which I did- for almost a month- and...it wasn't a good idea; but they are not enough to be addictive and I have never gone without proper sleep for so long. I am in this heightened state of borderline hypomania and it is great- except that it isn't. I am starting a new job next week and I want to think clearly. I need to think clearly. I've already had three misunderstandings- hearing something else because my mind is flighty- and I have to like repeat, write, confirm, everything- getting eccentric. Also a few auditory hallucinations- which I never had to this level before.

I am working 3 different jobs at the moment and it will be 6-7 jobs and responsibilities as of September. All because of my mental health not being recognised as a disability by the court. I am freaking out because I am in court to try to get financial support from my own inheritance because we don't have disability allowance/ support and I do not qualify for insurance- due to my diagnosis. So I pretty am stuck in a period of indentured labour basically. I run this business I am supposed to inherit- but cannot get a salary because I am not supposed to benefit from it because I am supposed to get a job- because my family want to sell the business and divide the money up. So I have to run it to protect my inheritance....but that like is a vicious circle. Everyone else in the family benefits from it in some way, and I recently fought the bullying but had to compromise when my mental health status and therefore obvious incompetency was brought up.

My lawyer is like you have all the responsibility and none of the power/ control- totally something that would drive someone with good mental health over the edge- according to my psychiatrist. So sorry but WTF?! My health team are marvelling at me, but warning me I am going to crash- and I can see myself at the wheel screaming "well I am so tired let's do it now, but let me enjoy the ride!!" Doesn't that sound like hypomania?!

I write all over the forum and chat. Burned my bridges on facebook and don't have many friends or supportive family (duh). But I have a future. I just do not want to be seeking asylum in a month because I push things too far. I want to be a game changer and not the game- and get put out of my misery.

I cannot go to school until January and even that is tenuous. Every thought is like a butterfly zooming off and realising it is caught in a glass bottle.

Stupid judge was like- you can work with bipolar- it's like diabetes. So why did I spend all of today looking at disability law, UN conventions and the psychiatric survivors movement. I am this close from a strike- of some kind- cannot say the word. It is a good new job- except they do not have clear structure and I am obsessed with order.

Going to psychologist tomorrow- and that is another heap of beans. I am not "that sick". So why does my brain feel too big for my skull- my eyes as though they have their own heart beats, and a heater system behind my ears. The walk ( that started the original situation because I did not have "permission" to leave my "job"- that I don't have a salary for mind you) took the edge off- but I will probably be pushing myself to the point of exhaustion every night this weekend so I don't have a PTSD triggered meltdown again.

What is sick? If you have a broken leg- you put a cast on it, a fever, you take aspirin. It may not warrant hospital admission- but you are sick/ injured- understood. Take a break. Now if you are experiencing genuine psychiatric- not psychological (not in my head) distress- but physiological stuff happening- why can you not have the same consideration. Had this in RV forum but just ARGGGHHHHH. It is mental health themed- my life- and my lack of rights. Really angry and everything else right now. Can't focus!!

[lozza]

no words but I am sorry you are going through this and I am thinking of you.

[bitomato]

Thanks, Lozza and for the RYL hugs guys. Yeah had a bit of a screaming match over the medications. Patriachy and coercion. Managed to sleep last night but still really angry. Running on empty and after seeing psychologist yesterday made another appointment for Monday. I think I hate the different days thing as I like routine, but I do not have a choice. 2 interruptions in session- and I don't know what to say. Someone at the door and someone banging on the door- it happens at every session because of the time I go- but I always wanna go WTF!! As a health professional myself I don't know if I am being unreasonable to what them "present" for my entire session. I'll be returning to work shortly, and it is like not wanting someone to feel like how I feel. Always the devil you know in this life. I wish RYL was more private- like anyone can look at this thread, search for things I say- but I guess it is better than facebook, because no one is pressuring me to disclose anything and it is a more accepting environment.
Like I told the psychologist what I want to discuss at next meeting and they told me I have to remember- I was like WTF?! I am caught in this vicious cycle because my psychiatrist will not do talking therapies with me, and my family is like- if you are not getting better it is your psychologist's fault. I do not have a whole lot of options because I work within a very small network and want to go into mental health exclusively so I really do not need to confide in anyone else- especially in a culture that thinks people with mental illness should not be teachers and having colleagues who say things like bipolar is like split personality but then would never let me treat in physical conditions saying the hand is like the foot!
Sorry realise I am ranting- but I really hate being in this holding pattern. I am so triggered and everyone seems to be putting all the responsibility on me. My psychologist lauded it but I am walking around with my diary like a damn comfort blanket because my memory is failing me alot. I cannot really do that once I have all my private thoughts in- but I am already seeing the beginnings of hypomania as a mind map easily becomes full blown illogical thought. Have an assignment due today- writing so much- except the assignment. It's like running on water- I have the vision and the will, but need someone to tell me I cannot do it. Screaming for help- do people want me to fail. Why do I have to do everything?!!! It's like being the patient, the surgeon, the theatre nurse, the anaesthics dude, the hospital administrator, and the worried family, and the porter. No one would expect that in physical stuff- why mental stuff. Fraying at edges and don't know where to begin to fix it before becoming unravelled.

[asingledaisy]

i dont have anything useful to say and wish i did but i know what it is to have people misunderstand and invalidate...

you are not alone and i wish to send virtual hugs to you.....

[bitomato]

I want to stick to shorter sentences. I want to be in bed in an hour, and I want to go for my refill tomorrow. I want to get in music practice this week and not be so mad that I am feeling exploited by those closest to me.

[talaiporia]

Hi there. I'm really sorry things are so bad right now. Do you think you'd be able to discuss it with them, that it's not okay?

[bitomato]

Saw psychologist- this door thing isn't working for me. Will be seeing psychiatrist this week because I need refill. It will be 3 days of no meds, so trying to walk the tight rope carefully. Sleep hygiene not as good as yesterday, but think I will fight sleep tonight. Getting some things put in place in the next 48hrs to deal with the PTSD from the root. Trying to accept the consequences of being so emotional and move on. Damaged relationship were possibly not worth it in the first place. Though it has made me rethink working as a volunteer anymore.

[talaiporia]

I hope you're able to keep yourself safe for those days. I'm sorry, I'm not entirely sure what you mean by door and root? It sounds as though you're very upset right now.

[bitomato]

Sorry my psychologist sessions are always disturbed by persons knocking on the door and her having to answer the door for the next client. Usually I am in the middle of something and it is off putting to say the least. In terms of my PTSD, my psychiatrist confirmed it- although I diagnosed myself a few years ago. The only way to get relief is to remove myself from the stress- but on a day like today, I can't where there is an emergency and I can either walk somewhere in the dark, and have to rush back early in the morning- or just take sleeping tablets and try to spend the night in a very stressfilled, impossible situation.

I have about 5 jobs now, tomorrow I am tempted to get a 6th. Really need to slow down as I am truly feeling not valued. I feel bullied a lot and I am very tired. I just want to sleep. But I am never sufficiently tired to stay asleep.

[talaiporia]

Ahh, I see. Would it be better to finish 5 minutes early to avoid the disruption?

It sounds very stressful. How come you have so many jobs?

[bitomato]

The knocking comes in the middle of sessions because of the time and the fact that the other person sharing the office space wants to indicate that they are leaving. It is just so loud, and psychologist stops me, gets up, goes to door etc. Then if another client is coming- same thing.....In my mind just have my session with the door open!!

Usually having all the jobs is a cover for keeping busy, but I really need the money. Right now I am struggling to stay financially independent and having the different incomes (all nominal by themselves) gives me a chance at doing things that I want and at times need to do. I have ranted before- I run a family business as part of my inheritance, but in my country my mental health is not recognised as a disability so I am not able to pay myself a salary. It pays for my medication- and it has taken years for me to feel that this is something I can prioritise. So I have 5 jobs that pay- unfortunately I am overqualified- so I am earning as much in a day that I could earn in one hour if I worked in the field I am trained in. On top of that I have 2 voluntary posts- one I took on as recently as this week. In the past it has been a case of being taken for granted, but I am trying to network so that I can move forward.

I try to not allow my bipolar to be an excuse. However, I am always cognisant of it- like looking over my shoulder. I want my lawyer to become more familiar with disability law and my rights- but unless I have a full blown meltdown nothing seems to happen. At the moment, I have moved out for the last week- basically because I reached breaking point. I was resting and someone from work called me after midnight- so like I said I do not shut off- even when I am not at home/ work.

I often worry I am trying to push myself to a nervous breakdown, but I do not think it manifests mentally- I'll physically crash first. After all "I'm not that sick" so if I have all this ability and creativity why not push to the nth degree. My psychologist and psychiatrist don't seem to be overly concerned...I am like a high functioning cash cow- a guaranteed paycheck.
I am feeling like a trained seal.

I am talking to people on dating sites- and rather than a 2-3 line comment I write 4-5 paragraphs. I hate that part of me- "brutal honesty" rather than authenticity and passion. Plus the bullying is continuing and I do not think I can cope with moving back home in a week.

[talaiporia]

Ahh, that sounds frustrating. I think it's worth mentioning to the psychiatrist; I wonder if they could have a policy about it.

Why can't the family thing pay you? I think I missed something.

I think you are putting immense pressure on yourself right now.

What's going on wiht home at the moment?

[bitomato]

Moved out 2 weeks ago to get a break. Was supposed to go back today, but things didn't work out. Don't know if I can stay on though. Will still try to go home tonight though. Business does not make enough to support a salary and I am being told by family I cannot take one because I pay my medical bills through it.

So I've been saving up from my jobs but I am finding it really hard to control my ED- compulsive eating and need to relax and do fun stuff. I am mostly alone and unsupported. Definitely triggered- but my health team aren't getting by how much.

[bitomato]

Back home today. Think I won't even try to go it alone. Didn't sleep well last night because of the anxiety about it. feeling really alienated. Going to run some errands and try to call it an early night.

[talaiporia]

Hmm - your family sounds quite tough. Do other people get a salary from the business?

I hope things go okay at home.

[bitomato]

Yes the rest of my family do get money from the business. Some is court mandated- where I pay child support, and some is exploitation where I pay bills- both which have nothing to do with the business and is partially irregular, and borderline human rights issues. We had a fairly unexpected situation this last month- with some monies not coming in- but with the same amount being paid out, and I do not feel empowered to fight my family because we are going back to court shortly, but this laid back attitude to my mental health is causing me significant distress. I am finding it hard to keep a handle on all the balls I have up in the air, and I am starting to not enjoy the things I used to.

I urgently need information on disability/ mental health law and someone to help me advocate with my lawyer.

Last night was not as triggering, but I definitely do not feel safe at home.