I just can't do this

[FlyingPeanuts]

I don't know. It's taken me days to get the courage to make a thread and i feel so useless and i want to OD an nothing makes sense and I'm so scared and confused. I don't want to remember it all anymore. I don't know. I don't know what to do anymore and I'm so tired and fed up and I don't know. This makes no sense. I'm sorry. I don't know why I;m posting. I'm going to post now before I change my mind.

[nowhereman]

I'm glad you found the courage to post. I know that can be hard for me sometimes too. And I don't make sense most of the time so don't worry. Not sure what to say but sending love and hugs as always x

[talaiporia]

Hi there. How are you feeling now?

[FlyingPeanuts]

Not good. I want to get out of this house, but I don't trust myself enough to leave - plus my mother would send out a search party. I need to get away form her though. I SHed a lot earlier because I can't handle how I'm being treated here. I feel like I'm being ridiculed and I'm so scared of everything.

[nowhereman]

I often feel I need to get out of the house and away from my mam too. It can get suffocating living together. I'm sorry you harmed yourself. It's ok to be scared. Don't let anyone ridicule you or make you feel less about yourself though.

[FlyingPeanuts]

Sorry to post again but things are really bad tonight.

[FlyingPeanuts]

I can't stop thinking about things I don't want to do and it's terrifying me. What should I do?

[talaiporia]

How are you feeling now?

[FlyingPeanuts]

I'm not sure. Part of me wants to act on some of my thoughts, another part of me really doesn't want to and the rest of me is just completely confused and scared. Does that make sense?

[nowhereman]

It makes perfect sense to anyone with mental illness. Try look after yourself, even if you don't feel you deserve it. I promise you do. Hugs.

[FlyingPeanuts]

The only reason I don't want to act on them is because I don't want to hurt people around me. I feel like I have to keep them safe and happy no matter what, even if it's hard for me.

[FlyingPeanuts]

I'm sorry to bump this again but I could really do with someone to hell me calm down.

[smile_it_confuses_people]

Hi, peanut, im smile, :)

Then lets calm down and find something to get ur mind wandering else where,

What's your favourite song i'm currently listening to placebo?

Or what do you like to read/watch?

[FlyingPeanuts]

My favourite Placebo song, or song in general?

I don't really watch much TV, and I haven't had a chance to read lately.

[smile_it_confuses_people]

Either way of any music u'd recommend having a youtube session.

I don't watch tv more of a anime gal.

[FlyingPeanuts]

Hang On To Your IQ is one my favourite songs.

what anime do you like?

[smile_it_confuses_people]

Just re-watched elfien lied, for the 100th time.
Bleach, still haven't finshed it, keep losing track. lol
Hacks, ghost in a shell, ergo proxy, vampire knights

God loads if I haven't watched it ill have read.
it was a big mistake getting an app for the phone.

[FlyingPeanuts]

I love Vampire Knight.

We should probably PM instead of using this thread, really.

[smile_it_confuses_people]

erm u'll have to tell me how to do that, I haven't been ere in a while

[smile_it_confuses_people]

Hey sorry peanut, my comuter needs to restart, its brand new having its issue ill answer ur pm it 5

[FlyingPeanuts]

I was stupid and now my cat might die and i'm scared can someone help me i'm scared and i need my cat and she's ill and i don't know.

[talaiporia]

Hey. How are things this morning?

[FlyingPeanuts]

I'm not sure. I feel... Kind of numb right now, but still scared, if that makes sense.

[Patent Pending]

Hey,

Sorry to hear you're struggling so much.

What is it you're worried about your cat about?

Would it help to talk about what you're scared about?

x x x

[FlyingPeanuts]

I think my cat's okay now, thankfully. I'd been told by my mother that my cat could die if she'd swallowed something, and I freaked out.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm scared of. I'm scared of so many things that they're just constantly overwhelming, and half of the time, I can't even tell them apart. I feel like I'm stuck in between being scared of things that are complete opposites and I don't know what to do.

[talaiporia]

Oh goodness. I'm glad she's okay.
Do you think it would help if you were writing down your worries? Some people find it helpful to get their worries down 'out loud'.

[FlyingPeanuts]

I'm still worried about her, though.
I can't tell a lot of them apart anymore, though, which is making it more difficult.

[talaiporia]

I think you have results today, and if so, good luck!
I'm unsure what you mean by you can't tell them apart; it;'s often helpful to express your worries, even if you can't clearly define them, of if they overlap.

[FlyingPeanuts]

I do and I'm so nervous because i know how disappointed everyone will be.

I feel like I'm just worried about everything.

[talaiporia]

How were things today?

[FlyingPeanuts]

The grades were a lot better than expected, but I feel awful because I don't deserve those grades. I did basically nothing all year. Other people did tons of work and they deserve better grades, not a stupid piece of **** like me that complains over everything. Everyone else is telling me I should be happy and I just can't be and I feel guilty for that too.

[talaiporia]

You have them; you deserve them. Every grade, every mark, is earnt. It was your writing, your pen, your thoughts. Nobody can take that away.

Good luck tomorrow.

[FlyingPeanuts]

I still feel like other people wouldn't deserved those grades more, though.

Thank you. I'm trying to learn this monologue for the audition, but I just can't remember any of it.

[nowhereman]

You deserve the grades, well done and good luck with learning that monologue. What's the audition for? I hate auditions!

[FlyingPeanuts]

It's for a theatre school.

[Patent Pending]

Hey,

Well done on the grades. As others have said, you deserved them. It was your work and so you earned them.

I hope the audition goes okay.

x x x

[FlyingPeanuts]

The audition was terrifying, but so worth it as I was offered a place.

[talaiporia]

That's fantastic to hear! How are you feeling?

[FlyingPeanuts]

Not great. My family are trying to pressure me into going back to the school to finish my A Levels and I keep trying to subtly tell them what might happen if I go back, but they keep on claiming that I'm lying.

[nowhereman]

Well done for being offered a place! I went to drama/theatre college and it was so much fun and gave me confidence. You know I think you should really be the one to know what's best for you. I guess parents just sometimes think they do, cos they're older and stuff. I hope you persevere and get your wish though. I would love to go back to it, I can't wait to hear all about it! Also I know you're not lying, maybe they're in denial and don't want to believe it. Good luck and sure I'll be talking to you anyway xx

[FlyingPeanuts]

I feel like if I want to be lying because I don't want to be a disappointment to my family. I don't seem to be able to do anything right.

I have CAMHS coming to my house tomorrow and I don't want them in my house.

[talaiporia]

How did things go with CAMHS?

[FlyingPeanuts]

I don't know, I can't really remember. But I know I, for some reason, told him that I wasn't self harming.

I had a pretty bad night last night and now I just feel numb.

[talaiporia]

I'm sorry to hear that. Are you feeling any better now?
Have you thought more about your plans for next year?

[FlyingPeanuts]

I don't know anymore. I'm just so tired and I want everything to stop, but I don't want to do it myself because i know how much it hurts other people. But, at the same time I'm starting to just... Not care, i guess.

i still really want to go to the drama school, but my family think i should finish my A Levels and then go.

[nowhereman]

I feel the same. *hugs* I need you ok.

Your family might just think that would be best and that they know best, but I think it's really up to you to know and decide what is best for you, after all it is your life. I know if I had the same choice I'd pick drama too! You know if that is what you want to do then you will be happier doing that, plus it will give you loads of confidence and you obviously have talent IMF you were accepted so it would be a shame to waste that. The world is so much different now, you can go back anytime and get your a levels or whatever, but if you have a genuine talent I really think it should be encouraged and nurtured. I mean yes you can go back and do drama later too, but why wait when it's what you want now? I mean I was good but I left it too late. Maybe I'm biased cos I did drama college too but god I wish I could be you right now! Good luck and I hope everything works out. Xx ps. I also think that doing something you like and enjoy would do wonders for your happiness and well being. I've done the **** jobs I hated and was miserable. Here's your chance to do what you like, not everyone gets that chance so I say go for it! Pps. Are there any places left, I might come too! Lol that would be so awesome if I could! :) obviously not gonna happen but it's nice to dream.

[FlyingPeanuts]

I'm doubting everyone and everything. I don't feel real, nothing's real and I don't know what's going on anymore. It's confusing me.

[talaiporia]

What do you mean, you don't feel real? It sounds like things are pretty frightening right now.

[FlyingPeanuts]

It's like nothing exists. I can't explain it.

[talaiporia]

You exist; I exist. We are all real.
How are you feeling now.

[FlyingPeanuts]

I can't get these memories out of my head. I want to get some sleep but my brain won't shut up.

[talaiporia]

How are you feeling now?

[FlyingPeanuts]

Weird. I can't really describe it. I'm not sure.

[talaiporia]

We're always here if you change your mind and you'd like to talk.

[FlyingPeanuts]

I feel like this everytime I enjoy something. I feel completely empty and it feels like a punishment.

[talaiporia]

Feeling empty feels like a punishment? Has it always been this way?

[FlyingPeanuts]

I'm not sure, but it happens every time something nice happens.

[talaiporia]

Oh dear. That sounds tough. Has it always happened?

[FlyingPeanuts]

I'm not sure, but I can't remember it being any other way, so maybe.

[talaiporia]

Have you ever talked to anyone about it? I wondered if you were turning your emotions off, perhaps as punishment.

[FlyingPeanuts]

No, I've never spoken to anyone about it.

[talaiporia]

Do you think it might be helpful?

[FlyingPeanuts]

I guess.

My mother might be seriously ill and I feel like it's my fault.

[talaiporia]

It isn't your fault.
What's going on?

[FlyingPeanuts]

I've been trying to block it out for a while, but on Wednesday, my mother will find out what's wrong with her. Chances are, she'll require surgery so my brother and I will have to run my mother's house, which involves quite a few animals. I'm expected to do quite a lot of it and I know I won't be able to cope. At the same time, my mother is still pressuring me to lie and pretend to be female at college but now I've started wearing men's clothes and being myself, I don't want to go back to how stifling it was before. However, I also feel like I don't deserve to transition because I'm selfish and I'm not doing enough to help my mother, and instead I'm probably making her worse by making her aware that I want to transition. My brother keeps making comments about my gender and told me yesterday that I'll never be a real man because I won't have a real penis. I feel so uncomfortable in this house, and they keep pointing out every single feminine thing about me and using it against me. They've even started making things up.

I start college next week and my anxiety levels have already shot up again and I have my first proper CAMHS appointment the day after. Everything's happening all at once and it's so overwhelming and confusing. I'm so tired and I can't cope and I keep having flashbacks and everything feels like it's my fault for being selfish and ungrateful.

[Crum]

Its not your fault you cant control whether or not your mam is ill and you cant help that you were born the wrong gender. Your mother can't force you to act the way that she would prefer just because its hard for her to accept you, she should be able to accept you for who you are because, I'd guess its already bad enough feeling like you wont be accepted then having your own family deny you.

You obviously care for your mother and should do what you can to help her but you shouldn't change for her, its also not unusual for guys to feminine traits anyway and vice versa.

It sounds like you have a lot to be anxious about but you should really try not to worry so much, CAMHS isn't that bad and neither is college in my exprience.

I apologise if everything I just said was stupid.

[FlyingPeanuts]

I think my main concern about college is that everyone will treat me as a female.

I'm so nervous about tomorrow because I'm terrified that she'll die. My dad left when I was young, and ever since I've been terrified of being abandoned by people and this is just so terrifying.

[FlyingPeanuts]

Is anyone willing to talk to me via PM? I feel like I need to try to talk about something.

[Crum]

I know this really late but I'd talk via Pm I'm not exactly great but if you need it I'll try.

[FlyingPeanuts]

Help me I'm scared.

[tiptoes]

How are you feeling now?

[FlyingPeanuts]

Nervous as I start college tomorrow and confused because I don't remember what I posted about in my R/V thread yesterday.

[tiptoes]

Good luck at college tomorrow.

I hate it when I can't remember posting things, it happens sometimes. Do you know why you can't remember? Were you particularly distressed or upset?

[FlyingPeanuts]

Thank you.

I can't remember any of it happening though. I don't remember bathing yesterday, but I must've done because my hair was wet. I don't remember SHing, but I know that I did. The posts I made yesterday terrify me, and when I first saw them yesterday, I ended up having a panic attack.

[nowhereman]

Hey I didn't know what was going on but now I've read this and your r/v so yeah. I hope you'll be ok.

[FlyingPeanuts]

I felt pretty okay on Monday and Tuesday, but my mood plummeted yesterday and I'm feeling like I need to die.

[havealittlefaith]

-hugs- I read and I'm thinking off you x

[nowhereman]

I need to you NOT to die.

[FlyingPeanuts]

I feel worse today. I can't explain it.

[FlyingPeanuts]

Help me

[havealittlefaith]

-Hugs- I'm here what can I do to help? X

[FlyingPeanuts]

I don't know I just want it all to stop

[havealittlefaith]

Hugs what's the main problems right now x

[FlyingPeanuts]

Memories and thoughts, I guess. I just want it all to stop.