I have to be 'good'...

[in_BPD_hell]

Hi

So I've not posted properly for a while as I'm trying to not moan. I've not really self harmed now for about 4 months, which is great.

I have however been under so much pressure to 'be good'. Everyone keeps telling me I have too, like im a child, not a 29 year old woman. The thing is now the pressure is off me and im back at work ok with no-one watching me I am starting to struggle again, and the first thing in my head is 'I want to die'. I know that I don't mean this, but I just get so overwhelmed.

I am petrified of relapsing, and I know I am starting to spiral down again. I don't know what to do to stop myself... any tips?

Thanks you

[Becca]

I have no tips sorry, but I wanted to reply to say well done on the four months and do you see anyone at all now, like a therapist or someone who you can discuss worries about spiralling with? Or is that part of the problem worry that people will think you aren't being good?

I hope this isn't a totally useless reply.

[in_BPD_hell]

Thank you

No I don't currently have any real professional help. Im on a 6 monthly review by the psychiatrist and not having any therapy. I can see my GP if I need too, however, when I have spoken to her even when Im in crisis there is very little she can do, or does do.

I am worried to tell work that I am struggling, as my big boss told me if I come back and struggle then I may need to leave and change to a less stressful job for my health and well being. However, I feel that would mean I would have to quit life.

Thanks for the comment. It means a lot

[Becca]

That's difficult.

To be honest I don't think your big boss is being unfair to put that pressure on you. Do you have a line manager you could ask about things like occupational health? Sometimes they can really help, and getting your line manager to understand what can happen and how additional stress and uncertainty can make things harder for you could help you at the moment as it seems from what you are saying about the threat of leaving work isn't helping you.

When I was working my line manager in the end was really understanding and helped me an awful lot with issues at work, which helped me with coping. Especially when he understood how much my job meant to me. I definitely think that might be worth trying along with letting your gp know how you feel too. From what you have said you are not in a full blown crisis right now, but letting people know can help you to cope because you should feel less pressure, especially with work, it helped me anyway.

[in_BPD_hell]

Hi

Thank you. I have been to occupational health, they basically told me I couldn't work if I was feeling distressed, and I worked for a bit then got distressed, when I went back to them they said perhaps I shouldn't work.. I panicked and now I will say nothing.

I have told my GP but there is very little she can do for me. I cried all day yesterday and didn't leave my bed. I feel a bit better today, but still not perfect. I am so scared and feel so lonely

[Becca]

I'm sorry it's so difficult for you. I can't think of anything else for you to try. Sorry.

[in_BPD_hell]

Thank you... I really appreciate your support. Yep Im lost too... theres nothing I find helps, maybe Im sentenced to be like this, a wreck, forever

[Becca]

No I don't believe that for a minute, I just don't know what to suggest.

Which sounds totally useless. I'm rubbish at advice really, I just didn't want you thinking no one cared about you struggling with this. It's good you spoke to your go even if there isn't much they can do, they can mention it on your notes, so you know someone knows, if that makes sense.

[in_BPD_hell]

Thank you I really appreciate it

I feel so desperate at the moment, I feel like im on a rollercoaster... feel awful. wish I could just press a button and leave this world

[Becca]

I understand.