Friday nighy :( contains adult references

[ajrocks]

Hello sorry so i'm feeling really paranoid and down since friday night.
I went out with my friends,life has been good at the moment things are going my way with my job and feeling much better after havibg major bipolar low from october until february time so I was happy and so glad to feel up to going out and haing fun with my friends.

I was having a great time but it all started just because some guy at bar told me his mate wanted to have sex with me (thats how he said it) he spoke to me for a bit and i thought the old me would've gone with him but no i was fine then after theyd gone this girl came up to me and wanted to know why he'd been talking to me cause hes got a girlfriend blah di blah i was like dude im not here for that and she just kept on so i just walked off in end all was fine i carried on dancing told my friend bout it laughed bout it but for some reason that mustve niggled at me and next thing im in toilet not being able to breathe and needing to get out which i did.

I somehow found myself outside freaking out on the phone to one of my friends who had left us a bit earlier to go home,I don't remember ringing her I don't remember the conversation,I remember her talking and me saying I can't breathe and thats about it and then my other friend came outside to find me so I just gave the phone to him and they spoke for a minute whilst I was holding the wall to try to ground myself,he was fab and kept saying you have to trust me now you are safe but the panic was just welling up inside,I couldn't shake it.

We went back inside and after sorting my face out as apparently I was crying I was okish,we stayed for a bit longer I even danced and tried to push it all away,somehow we got to mcdonalds and i spent most of time in toilet while they ate as I just felt ill.They kept checking on me but I just wanted to be alone and quiet.

I started getting really bad thoughts from past, memories and i just lost it really i laid on floor and just cried like i never have couldn't stop and then started throwing up i ended up having to crash at one of my friends cause i was that gone :-( so ashamed of myself and annoyed that i let the past creep in again grrrr!

I know I was very drunk but its just bought back these feelings and yet again made me feel inadequate compared to my friends who are not like me and haven't had these horrible things happen and I try so hard to be like them and cope and **** and I feel like I've annoyed everyone and am a complete hinderance who shouldn't hang out with them cause all I do is ruin things.
My friend who I rang hasn't answered the 2 calls I made to her the day after to apologise/explain or the text I sent instead and I don't really know what I said that night I know it wasn't a long phone call though and the time it was made when I looked was only about half an hour after she'd left so I wouldn't have woke her up I don't think I just feel like I must've really pissed her off for her to still not respond after 2 days maybe she just gets irritated but then the other part of me is like i haven't fallen apart for a long time and certainly not like that and she was the one who went with me to the stupid smear test that sparked me off again who comforted me and was there for me afterwards etc so why would she be annoyed at a drunken phone call? I don't know I don't think i'm worth all the aggro.

I'm on the waiting list to be seen by a psych but thats been since october so thats not going to happen any time soon so i'm stuck really stuck with my stupid thoughts and the past and I don't know how to help myself but I certainly won't be drinking to that extent again but I can't get past the thoughts and paranoia from it. :-(

[Shenanigans]

I'm sorry you had such a distressing night.
I'm glad that you spoke to your friends and that you were able to stay at a friends house and stay safe. That's really good. I'm also really glad to hear that things are going well for you. Try not to let one night darken all the progress and good things that have happened and that you have achieved.

Sometimes alcohol can make it a lot more difficult to rationalize things that happen. It's a lot easier to let our emotions and thoughts run away from us when we drink. Try not to let this situation drag your mood down or make you feel very bad. It sounds like that guy acted very inappropriately to you and it's understandable if that played on your mind afterwards. Sometimes, we just need to chalk things up to experience. Perhaps next time you go out you could try to slow a little on drinking so that you can feel more in control of what you're thinking and feeling?

[ajrocks]

Hiya thankyou :-) I've had to edit it as i couldn't write it out properly until I got on the PC so i've added to it.
Thankyou for your reply x

[Shenanigans]

Ah, I'm sorry, my reply above isn't really appropriate. I apologies.

I'm sorry these thoughts and feelings from the past have such a grip over you but I'm glad that you have looked into getting some support for that. I'm sorry that you've been waiting so long. Do you think you could go to your GP and explain that you feel you really need that support and see if they could maybe push that referral through a little bit quicker?

Have you looked into any independent charity groups that are near your area? Perhaps you would find them helpful while you're waiting for this referral to come through.

Try not to jump to conclusions about how your friend feels. I'm sure even if she were irritated, she understands and perhaps she just hasn't had the time to reply or phone back? I'm glad your other friend was there with you after you spoke to this friend, he sounds very reassuring.

It sounds like a very horrible time to go through and I'm sorry you had to go through that. It's really good that you felt able to reach out to your friends around you though. Remember they are there for you, and remember that people love you and want to support you. You are not inadequate or anything of the sort. You've had a difficult time and it's ok to struggle sometimes.

I hope you are feeling better now.

[ajrocks]

Thankyou :-) I just been walking around all day thinking why won't she at least text maybe she hates me.
I know i'm irrational but I can't help it I wish I could swap my brain for a clearer one!

I have looked into the getting help quicker issue my dr has bugged them so much its unreal and I was seeing a lady for anxiety management in meantime which wasn;t really that helpful at all to be honest and I told them all along its a psych I need to see for my problems because I need to talk first not get techniques but I've been told they basically throw the quickest less expensive option at you first whilst you wait and wait and the more I wait the more these thoughts are eating me up inside always just under the skin waiting to rear their ugly head all over again :-(

Thankyou for the charity idea I will look into that thats a good idea and thankyou for your words really touched thankyou :-)

[ajrocks]

Just wanted to say I emailed the mind charity as theirs one near me and they emailed back to ask me to ring which I did and I have an assessment appointment for the 12th! I don't know if they are suitable for someone like me but at least they're trying to help :-)
The very random awkward thing was I saw the name of the worker on the email and i thought hmmm I know that name and I wonder if its a girl I went to school with hope not and lo and behold she asks me on the phone if i went to the same school as she can't work with me if so which I obviously said ah yes that would be awkward lol!
It was the strangest convo of my life! I haven't spoken to this girl in like 15 years and now shes on the phone a qualified psych and is assessing me-so she said shes going to pass me along to her coworker to work with instead phew!
Thankyou for your suggestion :-)