Looking for advice about a gf with schizophrenia...

[ManifestEventuality]

I hope this is in the right place, I'm just not sure what to do.

As a little background, I've been diagnosed with chronic anxiety disorder, and my girlfriend has schizophrenia. We met on a dating site for people with mental illnesses, so I suppose I should have been more prepared to handle problems, but I need advice.

This is long distance, I visited her for the first time for a week in February.

My anxiety is under control (enough), so that I'm able to hold a job without getting panic attacks, whereas before therapy and medication I could trigger a panic attack from just checking my email. As mentioned, it's now more manageable and I've been off medication for a few months.

I have a family member with schizophrenia, so I knew more or less the kinds of things I'd have to be okay with when I started being with my girlfriend. I was okay with answering various secret questions to prove I was really me when she thought I was an imposter, I always tried to talk her down from paranoia. I stopped using certain words when they reminded her of bad things from her past. I had to pick my battles about arguing about hallucinations, because she wasn't at all ready to entirely disbelieve some of them, and I always advised her to listen to her therapists and I tried to comfort her. I understand that she can't work, I never expected her to and that doesn't bother me.

As I've supported her, it's become pretty clear that she's depending entirely on me to be hopeful or happy, and if I left she'd be crushed. The problem is, over the last month this has started to wear me down and I've started to lose hope that I can ever be happy in the relationship. I know it's selfish when she needs me so much, but I can't stop wanting someone who can make me feel better as well, and not just the other way around.

I might never be really happy in this relationship, but I know she'll be devastated if I leave her. I can't talk to her about this though, as when I'm upset about something it makes her feel worse.

I don't know what to do. It seems stupid to ask other people for advice in my relationship, but I really have no idea what I'm supposed to do or what would work out better.

[Morpheus]

I have paranoid schizophrenia. I would never want anyone to stay in a relationship with me just to make me happy if it made them unhappy or run down. Id rather be alone then no matter how devastated i would be of the break up. Thats not the right reasons to be in a relationship and it would make me very unhappy if someone i loved, gave up their happiness to be with me.

I am in a relationship with a wonderful man. We were very close friends for years before getting together so he knew me and my struggles well. He says that it is harder than having a girlfriend who is not ill, however it is all worth it cause he loves me and i make him happy. I guess he put up pros and cons. Do the difficult things outweigh the good or the other way around. He knows i will have bad periods but he also knows i have good. More so good for a long time. He doesnt always agree with my choices or understand but he is always willing to listen and learn. I am very open about my illness to him and that makes our relationship better. The more i tell, the closer we get and the less conflicts do we have, because of my illness. At the same time if he is struggling with my illness, he tells me. He is honest when things are hard on him too and i am able to do things to ease it for him. In the end, he says that though its hard, he would never change anything about me. I am who i am and if i was someone else, he wouldnt love me the same way.

I guess for you, you need to find out if its more bad that good. Would you be willing to give up your health and happiness for years on if she doesnt get better? If you want to stay with her you also need to be honest to each others. You cant keep these things to yourself in case she feels hurt and sad. Honesty makes a relationship work.

Of course it is difficult when both of you are sick. But it cannot only be one way support just because you are better than her mentally She needs to support you as well. That is how a relationship work. You give and you get i suppose. Both of you. If its just one person giving and the other getting, it wont work out. As you say, it will run you down. If things has to change you need to be honest with her, even if it hurts her. Sometimes in relationships we cannot avoid hurting each other but talking through it, changing and generally being honest will help it work out in most cases. Keeping this from her may work for now but as you say, it is already getting too much. Let her know, get her a chance to realise that she as well, has to work for the relationship even if she is sick.

In the end, it is your decision but no matter what, you need to talk and be honest with her.

[consequential]

^ Like.