Questioning recovery.

[Crazy Cat Lady]

Hi,

Does anyone else wonder whether they will ever be free of things that happened in the past, free of mental illness and everything that goes with it? I'm exhausted. I don't know if I have the energy to fight. I'm trying so hard and things aren't getting better. I'm trying so hard to look after myself and to fight anorexia but my physical health is very poor. I'm extremely fatigued from all the surgeries I've had. I'm tired of battling to get through the day, to try and manage the pain, to try and deal with the nightmares, flashbacks and extreme emptiness? I feel empty yet overwhelmed at the same time. I don't know what life feels like without fear and sadness. I have an amazing family and I'm incredibly lucky to have them however they don't know about past events. I don't tell them how I feel; in fact we don't tell each other how we feel. We are so close yet so distant. I live in fear that something will happen to my parents. I don't know what I would do without them. They keep me alive, quite literally. I don't live for myself, I live for them.

Everyday is just such a battle. I don't know how much longer I can be "brave" for. I'm breaking inside.

I'm 23 but sometimes, all I want is to get into bed with my parents and be held and told everything will be okay and it won't always be this way. It's been this way since is was 7 and I don't know how it could be any other way.

[MissAnonymous]

I know this might be one of the hardest things you could ever do, but could you try family therapy?

It sounds like there is a lot they would want to help you through and perhaps many things they would also like to say. I understand why you live in fear something will happen to your parents, and when you are so poorly it is terrifying to think they may not be there, but this isn't about being brave for them; you need to fight for you. You have so much talent, knowledge and inner strength.

Is the trauma therapy still in progress?

It wont always be this way, perhaps you can repeat this to yourself over and over.

Are you not able to get better pain relief; if there is a risk of addiction/over-use could someone around you dish out a day's worth at a time to make sure you are not overmedicating?

*hugs*

[Crazy Cat Lady]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

At this moment in time, I don't think I could possibly handle family therapy; I think it's something that would literally kill me but maybe in time. I would like to tell my parents one day, but I need to process it first and think that will take quite a while.

Yes, I see my Psychologist twice weekly. I vocalised a little bit about the past and had a full blown flashback/dissociative experience in therapy and it was ever so scary. We are taking things very slowly now as K (Psych) is cautious not to re-traumatise me. We are talking about grounding techniques before trying to address things in more detail. Therapy with K will be long term, which is pretty overwhelming but like she said, things have happened constantly from the ages of 7 so I know it's not going to be a quick fix.

I'm currently on Co-Drydamol (Dihydrocodeine + Paracetamol, 10/500) and if I'm honest, it doesn't really so much. I may ask my GP if I can have something stronger but I've been refused in the past. They think my pain could be associated with events of the past as well as the physical problem causing the pain. Do you think I should ask my GP about stronger pain relief? She knows I'm not in a good place and I doubt she'll give it to me. I'm seeing her on Wednesday and only just realised she's seemed to have booked me in for a double appointment which scares me a little.

x

[MissAnonymous]

That makes total sense, and 2 sessions a week working on the past is a lot to manage.

I wonder if you could ask for a week's prescription to try something and then go back and see if it has helped. If she even wanted to prescribe something there has to be trust, so I don't know how that lies right now..

Have they ever suggested any alturnative pain relieving methods; I honestly dont know a lot about psychologically induced/somatic pain.

It sounds like she knows you will need the time to talk through multiple issues and in the past good GPs have told me to book double or triple slots with them because they want to give me time to talk. I think she is just trying to be able to support you adequately, try not to worry.

Over time it might be that you and your psychologist broach the subject of telling family you have had childhood trauma, but it sounds like it is very early days even for you to understand the past.

Practicing grounding techniques everyday and relaxation exercises everyday to use after therapy sessions is important. I made myself some sensory things, F has a beaded necklace, a heatable hootie and various other things and I put strong smells in little pots [the sort you get from superdrug or boots to put a little cream in for holidays]. I put cinnamon in one and coffee in another, and you can put herbs or anything in them. They're quite nice and easy to carry around.

xxx

[Crazy Cat Lady]

Hi,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply; it really means a lot.

I guess I'll speak to my GP about it on Wednesday.

My Psychologist believes that when I learn to process and come to terms with the past, I may notice an increase in the pain, although I've been told it's quite complex as I do have a gynaecological condition which can cause pelvic pain. I had an assessment at UCH pain management clinic and the Consultant was lovely although couldn't discuss the past with her. She booked me urgently on to the pain management course but with the intense therapy, I think it'll be too much. My Psych spoke to GP and we will discuss it further on Wednesday. I hate to admit it but the pain relief does give me a sense of calmness - it really does help.

I'm pleased those grounding techniques work for you. I hope the techniques help for me but like you said, it's early days.

I'm so scared how I'm going to react when the trauma therapy gets more intense although I've been assured my Psych and GP will be there to support me and to try and help me stay safe. I hate not being able to control the flashbacks as I think my Psych was quite moved after I realised what happened but she remained very calm and supportive, didn't allow me to leave until I felt safe and called me the following day to make sure I was okay. We are taking things slower which hopefully will help when therapy gets more intense.

I'm struggling a lot with my mood at the moment and feel incredibly low. I feel like everyday is just a battle to get through the day, to survive the day. The physical pain on top of the psychological pain makes me very overwhelmed.

I'm clinging on to the hope that things can get better. I know I'm very lucky to have such an amazing GP and Psychologist. I am scared that a Psychiatrist has to get involved as I'm being seen privately and I have been told I am complex and at "risk"

Thanks again for listening xxx

[Cryptic.]

Wanted to send some hugs and to say I understand completely.
<3
Here if you want to talk anytime.
x

[Laura2.0]

a quick fix.

I'm currently on Co-Drydamol (Dihydrocodeine + Paracetamol, 10/500) and if I'm honest, it doesn't really so much. I may ask my GP if I can have something stronger but I've been refused in the past. They think my pain could be associated with events of the past as well as the physical problem causing the pain. Do you think I should ask my GP about stronger pain relief? She knows I'm not in a good place and I doubt she'll give it to me. I'm seeing her on Wednesday and only just realised she's seemed to have booked me in for a double appointment which scares me a little.

x

Even if it is psychosomatic/ assiciated with events from the past, the pain is still real.
I get stomach pains when I'm too stressed out and I know that's psychosomatic, yet I can't do anything about them once it started to hurt except take pain killers. And then I can start to do relaxing techniques so the stomach pain doesn't come back once the pain killers stopped working.

Is it possible that your therapist and your GP have a talk with each other about the pains you are getting? So maybe your therapist can talk to the GP about how trauma therapy can make those pains a bit worse for some time and that it would be really useful for you to try if pain medication can help so you can work on things instead of being scared of pain.

I completely understand that it is scary for you to think about trauma therapy. It still is the same for me and I've been working on things for years. I haven't talked about the really bad trauma stuff, but I managed to talk about a few that weren't as bad. But... things are changeing, you know. It may sound weird to you right now, but when you are more stable. As in knowing grounding techniques and how to use them at the right time and so on. It is going to be less frightening to talk about some things, and once you are better at using the grounding techniques it is going to be easier for you to handle flashbacks and dissociation.
For me, it is important that I only talk about things that I feel reasonably safe talking about and only when I'm having a good day. Or when I'm already having a break down in therapy, cause then it can't get any worse anyway (but that's just my weird way to do things when I'm desperate).