As everyone goes through this...

[Becca]

I've put a warning as this is quite a sensitive subject and I totally do not believe for one minute that the cpn is correct and everyone goes through this.

And her example was total rubbish to show she understood. I'll give that later.

So I have posted here about police involvement and concern and being registered as a dangerous vulnerable person in the community.

Yesterday we were talking about the people inside me. She has told me these are not people and are just strands of my mind that exist in everyones mind and it is very very easy to treat. These people are my secret desires and by doing what they want everything will be okay. Goodbye conflict, monsters, self harm, all of it.

One of these people wants me to kill

One me.

Others are less defined.

I am very very worried about harming anyone; these people gain control and there is nothing I can do; being told these things are *my* desires has really upset me. I don't want to be evil as well as disgusting and a burden.

Is it true does everyone go through this? Am I just being weak and pathetic not trying?

Her example, which she claims is the same thing is a young woman bought up in a very religious family who wants to have sex before she gets married and that causes a major conflict and once resolved, by her having sex, her problems go away.

[out_of_here]

Hey Becca,

I have a lot of compassion for you after reading your post.
I have a friend who has somewhat similar issues (from what I can gather from this short post), so I feel I have some understanding.

I was wondering if you had a trauma history?

It sounds as though while these parts if yourself are 'strands' of you, they are NOT representational of your desires. It sounds more like these strands (I'm using the one who wants to hurt people as an example) have clung to a concept or idea that may help them/you feel safer in the face of the world, experiences or feelings. It doesn't mean you actually want to carry it out or that you will, just that it may be a reassuring thought to a part of you that doesn't otherwise know how to cope. My friend was severely traumatised and has dissociated parts of himself that (some) have very odd and some dangerous thoughts and ideas. That was just the only way they could cope when they had no skills or external safety.

How are you doing now? I hope you are ok.

[Copernicus]

I think your CPN has been a bit simplistic about this... I don't at all think everyone goes through what you are experiencing or that it's easy to cope with or can go away quickly.

I sort of get what she's saying, as I think the people or monsters inside you are coming from you, they're not somewhere else. I want to make it really clear this does NOT mean you are bad - it's a sign of being ill.

Maybe she's also saying everyone has conflicts between wanting to do two opposite things (like for me I often find part of me wants to hurt myself and part of me is trying to stop myself.) Does that describe what you go through - different parts of yourself wanting different things?

It must be really frightening if you are afraid of losing control and killing someone. Deciding whether to have sex before marriage or not is completely utterly different from that - a silly comparison.

Have you worked with the CPN long? It doesn't sound like she understands you very well at all.
x

[Becca]

Thank-you for your understanding replies. I was worried about reading them to be honest given how afraid I am of this aspect of what I am going through.

I've been abused and am currently being followed by a psych patient who has previously hurt me (minorly) and made threats. I was told that was okay as he is ill and I'm physically disabled and should be used to it. It wasn't severe abuse, but for me it was traumatic.

It is exceptionally hard to explain at all. I've not done a particularly good job here, I certainly can't with the nurse. She doesn't understand at all. Apart from telling me every week she shouldn't see people like me and i need to be discharged as I just need to get friends as I only really go there. I can't afford things that are not essential so as that is a hospital appointment I can get funding/help to go there whereas the 'social centre' she suggested I couldn't afford the transport costs on benefit.

I should probably also mention that I have previously mentioned it to the police who took me to cmht and I was then sent home for 'time wasting'. The police, despite what cmht say, won't just lock me up.

It is very very frightening and I don't know what to do. cmht have been adament that I am not by any definition ill so it isn't that.

It's constantly a problem and I'm afriad that I will lose control. I don't trust cmht to do any kind of therapy with me; they are meant to be doing support work/building trust/proving they will help when there is a problem but they don't. Ther psychologist told me their job was to break me down and leave me to rebuild - I can't risk that. I don't know why they can't understand.

[sherlock holmes]

I think your CPN sounds like she's taking a very Freudian view point with you.

I think she's correct in saying these strands are part of yourself, but that doesn't mean YOU'RE evil or want to do these things.

A lot of people struggle with 'dark' thoughts, very commonly people with suddenly have strange thoughts like "I could swerve my car into oncoming traffic" or "I could drop this baby on the floor" but they are fleeting and not acted on or obsessed about. Maybe this in you is more pronounced and you're worrying about it a lot more?

It sounds like it might be elements of what's known as "Pure O" OCD which is purely obsessional and characterised by having thoughts you don't like and worrying you will lose control and act on them. A common one is paedophilia and people obsess over the worry they might become a paedophile, and they worry so much they start to have intrusive thoughts of hurting children and it feeds back into the fear. But they DONT act on those thoughts, so try and take comfort in that- I don't think you will act on these thoughts.

[Becca]

She did mention Freud. Twice. So that totally makes sense!

Unfortunately, I have already lost control of this situation, several times. Not to the point of killing but I have come close. The fear is not unfounded. There are people I would not have a problem with killing - the police are aware of that as are cmht; my problem is one of them isn't human and so I have been told (I harmed someone thinking they were that person and even though I am 100% they were, the police clearly state otherwise) started taking over innocent people to make them harm me.

[sherlock holmes]

In that case if your CPN does not believe what you have is an illness then I would push for a new CPN. If you've come close on acting on those thoughts then the sensible option is to work out how to reduce the risk of acting on them again, and being told "everyone has this issue, you're not ill" is clearly not going to help.

Have you tried contacting Mind or Rethink? They have local groups so should be somewhere near you.

[Becca]

I tried MIND but cannot access the building. Also one of the 'problems' happened there so they don't want anything to do with me unless I'm being 'helped' that's not a judgement on MIND I'm just explaining. Also they have massively lost funding and are now basically just a cafe for people with MH issues.

My situation with cpn is very very hard. She is standing in for my worker who is working elsewhere; this person might be back soon and did listen, but the cpn says I shouldn't be allowed him again as I was too upset when he left overnight.

The timer on my PC access is almost gone so I will need to reply at a later date (I can only access in library).

Thank-you for understanding and not hating me.

[talaiporia]

Do you think there is a risk of you harming someone else? Or is it that the thoughts themselves scare you?

You mentioned other people inside you; is this in the context of DID, or another illness? You mentioned the psych saying they wanted to break you down and rebuild you, and often treatment can involve reintergrating the other people as they can be fragmented from you due to trauma.

[random.swirls]

It sounds like she is talking about Freuds concept of the id, ego and superego. Which represents our concious and unconcious desires.

I also agree with Sophia are you talking about havin another person inside of you as per DID (dissosociative identity disorder) or something else maybe like what Sarah talks about

[Becca]

I'm sorry I don't understand what DID is or involves; I'm really rubbish when it comes to psychiatric labels. I know of the concept of id, super ego etc and it is not that; I did that when I was at university I just can't explain it properly.

It's different people. Totally different people. All of whom at any one time can, and do take over my body. The nearest I can come to explaining it is to say it's like my body is a space ship with several different captains (which likely doesn't help either).

There is a risk to other people. None of the captains can interact or control the others. At all.

CMHT have told me I am *not* ill; the only diagnosis I was given repeatedly was borderline personality disorder, but the things I was told I must go through to have that don't match what I go through at all. Various others have been mentioned over the years. I saw a specialist who said basically I am on a crossroads for several illnesses and disorders and that makes it exceptionally difficult for me to assessed never mind treated. All the illnesses/disorders should be treated but he said the NHS would only pick one, which I guess is the BPD. He did mention multiple personality disorder as well, but he said that is exceptionally hard to treat when there are so many as all personalities need to be treated.

The therapy was described as controlled breakdown which I would not be willing to undertake with staff who have bullied me: I have had it before that made things much much worse - I saw a private therapist who told me never to have it done unless I was somewhere safe *long term* because of the problems it caused me. They cannot be trusted to look after me properly in a breakdown - I have no family or friends who can look after me. Last time I had a 'breakdown' following various problems I won't go into here I was forced into hospital where I was abused and that person has stalked me ever since.

CMHT ignore the threat to others. The police do not. The police wouldn't take it seriously if there wasn't a threat.

[Becca]

It can be spotted by people who spend *a lot* of time with me - my voice and mannerisms are totally different, even my facial features change and I have no idea what I have said/done during that time - but no-one has spent that amount of time with me for years and it takes years to spot.

I try to take reponsibility but it is almost impossible to genuinely apologise if you don't know what has happened.

[Becca]

I should also add that CMHT do not believe I have ever been abused, so the trauma point of view is not where they are coming from.

[CagedBird]

Yesterday we were talking about the people inside me. She has told me these are not people and are just strands of my mind that exist in everyones mind and it is very very easy to treat. These people are my secret desires and by doing what they want everything will be okay. Goodbye conflict, monsters, self harm, all of it.

I am very very worried about harming anyone; these people gain control and there is nothing I can do; being told these things are *my* desires has really upset me. I don't want to be evil as well as disgusting and a burden.

Is it true does everyone go through this? Am I just being weak and pathetic not trying? [QUOTE]

From your original post, I can relate (although perhaps to a lesser extent) to your fears. I do often think we have murderous intentions because we're afraid of admitting how vulnerable we feel or how hurt we've been to ourselves. Sometimes it is easier to feel murderously angry than feel vulnerable and exposed. I don't think that we have to follow our unconscious (and conscious) wishes to resolve them. I don't think that makes any sense at all! However, uncovering what is beneath your fears of murdering someone might help you understand it a bit better. There is likely a reason why you're focusing on these murderous feelings, perhaps it is to avoid the pain of being hurt in the past? This may not be how you perceive it, and that's okay, these are just my thoughts and ideas. I certainly don't think you are weak or evil for having these thoughts or finding it difficult to live or overcome them. If these things were easy, I doubt a large majority of people would end up on a website like this!

[QUOTE=Becca;3741979]I've been abused and am currently being followed by a psych patient who has previously hurt me (minorly) and made threats. I was told that was okay as he is ill and I'm physically disabled and should be used to it. It wasn't severe abuse, but for me it was traumatic.

It is very very frightening and I don't know what to do. cmht have been adament that I am not by any definition ill so it isn't that.

I don't trust cmht to do any kind of therapy with me; they are meant to be doing support work/building trust/proving they will help when there is a problem but they don't. Ther psychologist told me their job was to break me down and leave me to rebuild - I can't risk that. I don't know why they can't understand.

This is shocking and completely outrageous. I really feel for you, such a disgusting reaction to have received. No wonder part of you (or someone in you) feel like killing other people! It almost makes sense!

How exactly are CMHT supporting you? Do they know the reasons why you can't access other social support? What are they putting in place practically for this? It's all well and good them complaining you're not "ill" but then keeping you trapped having to go to hospital as financially and socially you don't have any other support. It's depressing how incompetent some people/services can be. I'd like to be encouraging and suggest maybe they aren't classifying you as "ill" so that you feel empowered - but it doesn't sound as though they're doing anything to empower you. In fact in respect to your original power they have completely disempowered you and I feel there reaction is a traumatic event in and of itself!

I think you are completely right to not trust these people to offer you the support you will need if you are to go through an intensive therapy. Trauma therapy can be overwhelming and requires a lot of support especially in the initial stages.

and that makes it exceptionally difficult for me to assessed never mind treated. All the illnesses/disorders should be treated but he said the NHS would only pick one, which I guess is the BPD. He did mention multiple personality disorder as well, but he said that is exceptionally hard to treat when there are so many as all personalities need to be treated.

CMHT ignore the threat to others. The police do not. The police wouldn't take it seriously if there wasn't a threat.

It doesn't surprise me they're "treating" only one. I feel for you. It sounds like you're flogging a dead horse with CMHT - can you find alternative support? Are there any organisations run by disabled people you can go to for assistance? Not being able to access the MIND office is appalling, perhaps they can offer you financial assistance to get private therapy?

Take care of yourself, and all the other parts if you're able. It sounds as though you're in a great deal of pain.

[CagedBird]

repost

[Becca]

There isn't anything else available to me. I live in a very rural area. I can't even get treatment for my physical needs.

The reason I'm a patient is because of the police and gp both insisting on me being helped.

The disabled group meets over 40 miles away from where I live and is part run by the man who hurt me in hospital; I say that so you understand even if it was close to me I would never go to it.

I don't believe this is me, at all. It's soo hard to explain. It isn't me getting angry/full of rage and refusing to admit it - I do get angry about my situation and am well aware of that and why that is; this is totally different and is directed at an individual who isn't a human being and infects other people.

I've had assistance for the private therapy before; I can't get help again. I ended up in major debt because no-one explained when the funding stopped - my fault I should have asked and didn't and now there is none. I cannot fund private therapy on top of the things I must fund due to being physically disabled such as physiotherapy.

Thank-you all for your replies.

[CagedBird]

How ****ing depressing.

I apologise if it seemed as though I was suggesting, similar to your CPN, that this was something you could control if you 'tried hard enough' - that wasn't my intention. Obviously there are deeper issues going on. I cannot understand why your CMHT are being so obnoxious and unhelpful.

I genuinely feel for you being hurt and not being heard or taken seriously. That is an unbelievably painful situation.

With the way things are going, all disabled people - whether due to mental health problems or physical or learning difficulties - are being royally screwed over. I can't understand why the world is so cruel.

It isn't you.

[Becca]

It's okay. I didn't mean to give the impression I thought that was what you were saying so don't worry.

My appointment was the same as usual. Only difference is she has decided I should now return to full time work. My GP was livid when I told her - I was forced to give up work due to the severity of my physical disabilities NOT mental health issues, although obviously they are on the forms.

Even one of the men who has been infected, and my attempt to protect myself meant I was registered dangerous, showed more compassion than the cpn. He was even concerned about my benefits and services being taken away from me. Somehow it upset me. He really listened to me.

I guess it just feels like me because I am so isolated here.

[Becca]

I had another appointment today and she is going away on holiday and the intention is for me to be discharged during that time as I have 'no needs it's all just normal'.

I don't understand :crying:

[Pomegranate]

Discharged permanently or did you mean that you wont see anyone whilst she is on holiday? What is her reasoning for why you have no needs?

[Becca]

Her exact words were "I will give you an appointment in April, but it is very unlikely to happen as I do not think you have needs" she has also tried to stop my GP seeing me, claiming it is making me worse.

My GP is very annoyed about it.

I'm just sad.

I've no idea what is going on at all.

[Tig]

That sounds awful Becca. Do you still have an advocate?

[Becca]

No. There is no advocate here for MH anymore or so I've been told. Basically my GP said CMHT are punishing me because I complained about how I have been treated and got a solicitor involved and the ombudsman. The people who were supportive e.g. specialist consultant and social worker have both left.

Just to be clear my GP DOES NOT agree I should be discharged.

[LionCondemned]

Hey Becca,

I just wanted to talk to you about PALS, it sounds like you could do with their advice right now, if you dont feel like you want or you are not ready to be discharged then they can help you with mabe writing a letter to your CC explaining your difficulties.
take care x

[Becca]

I rang and spoke to cmht yesterday, there is a complaint already in about how I am being treated being handled by the ombudsman.

I was told clearly no appointments until april at least and that then they will review me, as I *do not* meet their criteria. Other things were said too which have really hurt me, but I'm likely to put that in R&V as I'm afraid to put it here as I have had experience of CMHT reading my posts here before.

[Becca]

I am struggling so much today. I am sooo upset. I got a letter saying the nurse is in charge of all services and care after all. She has been delibrately lying to me and tricking me.

I am hurting so much :crying:

[Tig]

(((Hugs)))

Becca has made a thread in Serious if anybody would feel up to looking at that. x

(Hope that's okay to say Becca, just feel like you could do with the support if people know where to give it.)