Nobody really understands me...

[in_BPD_hell]

Nobody understands me. I struggle to control my emotions and become really overwhelmed which leads me to self harm or start feeling suicidal. It comes and goes and occasionally isn't triggered by something so I feel I have to blame it on something to justify it. My psych doesn't help and my psychologist has discharged me as we have finished our sessions. I feel really alone like I will never be able to live a normal life...

Does anyone know what I mean? And does anyone know of people who've had long term recovery?

[LizzieRose]

I know the feeling for most of that. Only difference is I feel like my psychs are helping me. Everything else is spot on. *hugs*

[in_BPD_hell]

Hi, thanks for your reply. Can I ask, how are your team helping? I'm under the CMHT and see a consultant on roughly a 3 monthly basis, where she asks me the 'how are you?' question and I'm like 'yeah, I'm ok..' which as you know isn't actually the truth even though I may feel like I'm ok, she knows that and so we see each other again a few months later. I come out cry excessively and then I cant control myself for the time in between... its not getting anywhere.

[sherlock holmes]

Why did the psychologist discharge you? It sounds as if you still are in need of therapy- a three monthly appointment with a psychiatrist doesn't sound like it's doing enough to help you.

Can you get back in contact with your CMHT and ask about having more therapy, or doing some work with a CPN on a more regular basis?

[in_BPD_hell]

Hi

I am desperately in need of therapy. It was a time limited CBT thing, and as we had come to the end of the sessions that was it. The problem I have is I am afraid to contact the CMHT as I don't particularly like them or find them useful and they can be really very patronising, but more importantly they let me down big time and they are not a confidential service at all... so I am scared to talk to them

[sherlock holmes]

What about contacting your local Mind and/or Rethink? They offer counselling and groups, maybe you'd feel more comfortable seeing them?

[in_BPD_hell]

Thank you, I will try

[FabulousMike]

Hey, I don't have much advice but it does sound like you're having a pretty rubbish time of it lately and i'm sorry for that!

I agree with some of the posts here that contacting places like Mind, Gofal and Rethink are good ideas!

[in_BPD_hell]

Thanks for the messages. I'm worried tho because if you say that your having suicidal thoughts do they have to share them with someone?

[Shenanigans]

Thanks for the messages. I'm worried tho because if you say that your having suicidal thoughts do they have to share them with someone?

I think this is more to do with your emotional and mental state. Having suicidal thoughts is very distressing, but thoughts themselves does not necessarily mean they need to contact emergency services or anything like that. They will if they believe you to be in serious danger of harming yourself and/or others, and I think this applies for most places because they will want to make sure you are safe. However, seeking support because of suicidal thoughts is something many people do and mostly places will not share this information unless you say that they can or they feel you are in severe crisis or risk. I myself have phoned places like samaritans and other charities with suicidal thoughts and my info was never shared and they were very helpful and kind.

Please do not be afraid of reaching out for support, you deserve support and safety.

[in_BPD_hell]

Hi thanks guys.. Yes I'm over 18.

I can understand why they have shared but I worry that I will struggle to reach out again. For me I Don't believe I'm actually at risk of suicide. I think it's my emotions that I can't deal with and need to develop better coping mechanisms.

Right now I have been off work (forced to be) and I feel like things could easily get out of control. I feel that of I were to disappear nobody would actually miss me but I wouldn't do anything about it.

I do feel quite distressed

[Shenanigans]

I'm sorry you're feeling so distressed but I'm glad you feel able to reach out here. It's also really positive to see that you have a great understanding with what you feel and where you wish to go with recovery. Understanding that you need better coping mechanisms and wanting to engage in changing these is a really positive thing to hear. I think the above advice about contacting mind is a really good thing to look into.

Do you feel that being off work is having a positive or negative reaction on how you're feeling? Or perhaps it's a little bit of both?

[in_BPD_hell]

a negative, in fact, very negative reaction. It is making me feel useless, crap, a waste of space, pathetic, horrible, lazy, fat, disgusting, not worthy of even having the job in the first place, like everyone hates me, like everyone feels let down by me, that I will never be allowed to go back, or that I will never be the same in work ever again, no-one will ever have any respect for me, I will never catch up on my tasks. Everyone from work is not contacting me or ignoring me like I have some sort of contagious disease, I would love to just have a little text or email saying 'hey, thinking of you'. Cos its ****, and I feel that I am 10000000000000000000% worse by being off.

The problem is the psychiatrist rang work and said I wasn't fit to be in, because she didn't trust that I would do it, and even tho she now said that I can go back 3 weeks ago, they are still investigating why she said that in the first place and what is going on, and if I am fit enough to ever go back..

I cant cope with it

[LizzieRose]

Hi, thanks for your reply. Can I ask, how are your team helping? I'm under the CMHT and see a consultant on roughly a 3 monthly basis, where she asks me the 'how are you?' question and I'm like 'yeah, I'm ok..' which as you know isn't actually the truth even though I may feel like I'm ok, she knows that and so we see each other again a few months later. I come out cry excessively and then I cant control myself for the time in between... its not getting anywhere.

I see my life skills psych every week and my regular one every two weeks just about. My life skills psych acts like more my friend than a psych I suppose which really helps me to be more open with her. My normal psych acts more professional, so it's a bit harder with her. I live in America and am in a program called Cummins. Not really sure how much help this is. v.v

[in_BPD_hell]

Ah that sounds really helpful for you. Im glad it helps and is available to you. sadly in the UK I have failed to find that level of support

[Shenanigans]

I'm very sorry to hear that, it sounds very stressful and upsetting to you. But I'm sure that no one there hates you or blames you for anything. Try to remember that people get ill, both physically and mentally, and no one can blame you for being ill. It sounds like you are putting a lot of blame and guilt onto yourself, could you try and show yourself a little more kindness? I know that can seem very hard but you are deserving of kindness, especially from yourself.

Have you tried speaking to your work and perhaps organizing a slow track back to work? If they are worried about you going back it may be better to go back with reduced hours to make it easier for you? Then as things go these can be increased back to what you're used to without it being completely overwhelming.

[LizzieRose]

Keep trying. I know there has to be a UK psych that has to provide the right support for you!

[in_BPD_hell]

Hi thanks, yes I am full of guilt... lots of it, always have been about various things, that I know I shouldn't feel guilty about. I think that's what the plan will be, but they need to get more information about me first from my psych and GP and then they will review me in another 3 weeks. In the meantime I am left at home staring at the walls, and even though I have tried to do stuff I become soooo distressed and upset that I cant do anything

[LizzieRose]

You can PM me whenever you need to talk. I'll try to reply as soon as I can. I should be better at replying now since I have a new computer at home now. *hugs* Stay strong, alright?

[Shenanigans]

I'm glad they're working to support you properly, that's really positive and I know it must be stressful whilst things are erring sorted, but it sounds to me that they want to get things sorted to best support you coming back and going to work.
I can relate to feeling guilty, I have struggled with feeling excessive guilt a lot and can understand how distressing it is. I find trying to think logically about a situation and fighting my guilty feelings with that. For example, I had to have time off work for illness a few months ago and felt very guilty about it. I would remind myself that it wasn't my fault I was ill, everyone gets ill, I would tell myself that if I went to work ill I wouldn't be able to do my job properly, it was better to be off and go back well and that no one in my work had said they were angry at me and they were very supportive of me coming back. Try to remember that your guilt is probably based on your own negative attitudes to yourself rather than anyone else's and try to treat yourself fairly. It's not easy, and it took me a while to get into it, but it might help relieve some of your anxiety and reassure you.
I can also understand that the lack of routine is difficult. Could you try setting yourself an easy routine to do while you get better. Try to get outside and some fresh air at least once a day and things like that? I find a lack of routine and stability very difficult and find things easier when I give myself achievments to reach each week, not too overwhelming, but enough to help me gain a sense of accomplishment and confidence. Rather than setting things very strictly I give myself a few days/a week to achieve things so I have a wiggle room incase I have a bad day and don't eel pushed on them, and that I'm not overwhelmed when I'm feeling a bit better does that make sense?
I really hope you start feeling better soon, it sounds like you're working very hard on getting better and you have a very positive attitude about what you need and what you are working towards. I can see this hasn't been easy for you and you should be proud of yourself for working so hard.