Shame

[Sketchy]

I used to be so hard working, I have worked since a young age and all through my degree and beyond, where I often had 2 jobs.

I'm now unable to work, and have had it verified I'm not ready yet. The shame of it is making me feel even more hatred towards myself, which really isn't hard at the moment. All through media, tv etc there is all this negative press towards people on benefits. It doesn't help with my self hatred. I feel like a waste of space, not worthy of even being here. I am taking up peoples money by being here. But if it was someone else, I wouldn't be so harsh, I would say that's what benefits are for, to help people in need. Why can't I treat myself the same way?

I know I'm unwell, but I don't know. Is it my fault? There are days I can't function, get paranoid and very very low, but is it my fault? Am I not trying hard enough? I told my cpn I need to try harder, but how do I do that? I really don't know. I just feel so confused, scared and uncertain, like I can't even imagine the future.

I basically feel like a horrible person.

[Heidi Tiger]

The way I found through a similar situation was doing what I was able. So unless I was under the crisis team or in hospital, I'm normally capable of going to a community garden for people with mental health difficulties. At the moment I can work part time, when I'm better I can work full time. So long as you are doing all you are able, you have no reason to feel guilty.
It sounds like some uncommitted voluntary work could be a good start, something you can turn up to on your better days. Your aim from there should be to get a regular voluntary position, even if only for a few hours a week.
I am a great believer in the healing powers of work. Personally I tend to stick my hours out until I'm hospitalised, then return ASAP afterwards. I don't think protracted periods without occupation are helpful for many people.

[sherlock holmes]

Hi Sketchy,

I'm sorry you're feeling this way at the moment. It's clear that you are incredibly hard working and place a lot of self worth in being able to work.

There's no shame in being too ill to work. I know there's currently a lot of programmes and debates over benefits, but the majority of that stems from benefit claimants who are fraudulent or able to work but simply unwilling to do so.

You have been told by professionals that you are too ill to work, so you have a very valid reason to be out of work and receiving benefits. Can you think about it from the point of view that when you were working, you worked very hard and sometimes had two jobs that paid into the 'pot' that the benefits get paid out of? You put the time in, and now you're getting something back that you need.

Please don't push yourself too hard. I think you are trying hard 'enough'. If you forced yourself back to work too early then you'd make yourself more ill. Heidi has some good advice- why not try a voluntary position for a few hours a week, and build up from there? My CMHT have an employment support person who helps people find voluntary work, employment and courses that are suitable according to their illness and ability levels. Is there anyone like that at your CMHT?

[Sketchy]

Heidi, that's really helpful thank you. I'll take what you said on board and have a think about voluntary work. I do go to a writing group for two hours a week. This is incredibly frightening, but I need to push myself as my confidence is low. I am an artist and have been thinking of submitting work for a specific project I saw advertised. Its just a small submission, but that way i can go at my own pace and do what i can.I think you are right, even if it's only a couple of hours a week, then I might feel less like a waste of space.

Sherlock, thank you for the kind words. It really helps. I guess I need to admit I'm unwell and can't do what I used to. I think my cmht has the same thing. I'll ask my cpn about it when I see her next week.

[not_so_insig]

I don't know what to say other than you're not alone. 11 years ago I was working - getting up at 5 am sometimes (I did shift work).

I agree with Heidi Tiger with starting voluntary work - it was suggested to me & this year I am celebrating 10 years of doing the same job! The branch co-ordinator said yesterday that I was one of the best volunteers that this branch has.

[Wonderland.]

I can very much relate.

Leaving you some love and hugs <3

[Sketchy]

Thank you Dawn and Ames. I appreciate that.

[Patch.]

Hey you :)

I'm sorry you are having these distressing feelings towards yourself. I think that it's important to note that it's okay that you are unable to work at the moment. First of all, there is no reason to feel guilty about being unwell. Even if you haven't worked a day in your life, it's not something that you always have control of. Also, you have said that you were, in the past , able to work - often working 2 jobs. So, technically you have payed for your time off now. You have contributed, and you may be able to contribute again. Try not to pressure yourself too much.

I also agree with trying voluntary work. You can go at your pace.

I can relate to feeling as though I have to try harder in my recovery and I have recently had a similar convo with my own cpn. Instead of focusing on what you can't do, try and focus on what you can do. For example, I know from many a conversation with you, that you always try so hard to distract yourself when you feel low. That is positive and takes a lot of work. You clean your flat and you go out with your sister. That takes loads of effort. You paint and create things, which takes loads of effort.
So, even though you may not be working at the moment, you are still doing loads of things that are beneficial to your recovery and are self-helpful.

Hope this makes sense, my thoughts are a bit muddled at the moment. Only a pm or text away x x

[Pi.R^2]

All through media, tv etc there is all this negative press towards people on benefits.
The media also think teachers are lazy, doctors are incompetent, bankers are greedy, social services are **** etc etc. The media hate everyone, so I wouldn't take it personally! At the end of the day, the people who know you don't judge you for it, and understand that your circumstances make it impossible for you to work.

I agree with others that voluntary work might be a place to start, when you feel ready. Especially if you can find somewhere which offers volunteering on an ad hoc basis, so you could just sign up every now and again for a slot when you felt up to it, without any regular commitment.

You say that you told you CPN that you needed to try harder, but I don't think that's necessarily true- you already try hard, and that is all anyone could ever ask. Don't feel pressured by the media or anyone else to do more than you are able!

[Sketchy]

Thank you Taylor and Jenna. You are both right. The thing is, when other people are unable or have never been able to work, I would treat them with compassion and understanding, but I can't seem to do the same to myself.

I think I need to remember I have to take things slowly and do what I can.

[Patch.]

lf.

I think I need to remember I have to take things slowly and do what I can.

This is absolutely right.

Why do you feel that it's easier to have compassion for others, but when it comes to yourself, it's easier to be critical of yourself?

x x

[Sketchy]

I don't know. I've always been like that. I guess it's something I have to work on.x

[release-me]

Thank you so much for posting this, because I feel so reassured and some what comforted that I am not alone with these feelings. The grief of a life lost and the despair we all face with accepting a life with illness is desperately painful and lonely at times.

[Sketchy]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way too. Thank you for understanding.