Why do people keep asking me what help I want? If I knew what would make me better then I'd do it.

[sherlock holmes]

Things are bad.

Today I had to see the duty worker at the CMHT because I was feeling suicidal.

If anything I feel more frustrated, because nothing was accomplished from the meeting. I keep getting asked what I want to happen and what would help, but if I knew that then I wouldn't be in crisis.

He asked me a bunch of questions, told me to do the usual distractions and said that because i've always felt better in the past to have hope I'll feel better again. But I said that's the problem- this keeps returning. I keep having crises. I keep getting suicidal. I don't ****ing care that I might feel better tomorrow or next week, what I care about is that it comes back time after time and I can't deal with it any more. His response was to stop thinking about the future and just think about the now. That's impossible for me to do. I've tried.

So he said to ring if I feel worse, and that was it.

The thoughts are screaming at me again. I've got quite a lot of medication I can overdose on, and that's what the thoughts are saying to do.

My mum is going out soon. She knows I feel bad, but she has things to do. So I'll be alone.

Part of me wants to overdose. Part of me does not want to overdose. I dont want to end up brain damaged or alive but needing a transplant etc. If I overdose I want to die. The problem is I don't know the lethal doses of the medication I have. I've tried researching. But the thoughts are so loud.

Or maybe I could overdose a little bit, as self harm, to get rid of the thoughts. But I could still **** it up and end up brain damaged. I have no idea what quantities to take.

Oh I don't know.

I just want this to stop.

I love my boyfriend dearly, and he is supportive, but there's always the thought at the back of my mind that he'll get sick of this one day. That he wont be able to support me any more.

I'm living for him right now. I'm scared he'll leave.

University is too overwhelming.

I'm so tired of everything.

[Angelina]

*hugs*

I'm sorry you're so low. I feel exactly the same, I want to smash my head on the wall when my CC or anyone asks me this over and over again. It's infuriating!!

x

[sherlock holmes]

Thanks for your hugs.

I went out for a walk which has helped clear my head a bit, but I'm still scared about being alone later.

[Epicene]

Could you go out whilst your mum is gone, or call your boyfriend over? I think the fact that you're aware of the very real possibility of brain damage is a good fear to hold onto. However, being alone seems like the biggest risk so anything you can put in place to be with others is worth trying.

I'm sorry the duty worker was so unsympathetic but do keep trying to reach out for help.

[Patch.]

*sits with you*

I'm glad the walk helped you clear your head a little bit. Is there anything you can do to distract yourself when you are alone? what about a nice hot bath to soothe yourself a bit? Call your partner?

I'm here if you need me. I'll keep checking in with this thread

*leaves comforting hugs* x

[Harbour]

Hey, I don't have much advice - but I just wanted to say I hear you with your frustration at help in a crisis. I'm going through the same thing.

Tread gently x

[x-Silvermist-x]

Hi, how are you feeling now?

[sherlock holmes]

Thanks everyone.

My boyfriend is busy tonight and I didn't want to make him come over, I think it's important he has his own space away from me as I know I can be quite draining when I'm not well. I told him I was feeling low and having thoughts of overdosing, but didn't really go into detail.

Thankfully I feel okay this evening. The joy of bipolar I guess. My mood could crash at any time, but for now I'm safe and occupied.

I've spent the evening cooking dinner, eating dinner, watching TV and now online.

Thanks everyone.

I don't know what I'll do if the thoughts come back, probably try ringing the CMHT again.

I've taken half my evening meds, other half will be at bed time.

[sherlock holmes]

I feel strange.

I keep having weird thoughts.

Sometimes I panic because I feel dark inside.

[Patch.]

Hey lovely,
Would you like to talk about these thoughts you are having?

[sherlock holmes]

Hi,

They keep coming and going so it's hard to remember what they're about.

I checked my bank account and I've managed to spend £1000 in the past month. My bipolar is getting so much worse. I feel so ashamed.

[sherlock holmes]

The duty worker from yesterday rang me to see how I was. I said I was fine. I did feel fine.

Now I'm fixated on taking an overdose. I've researched the medication and every website is saying it's pretty much safe to OD on, not many people have died even when taking really high amounts, and I've got a considerable amount of tablets.

My mum will be home in half an hour.

I don't know what to do.

[sherlock holmes]

I planned it out. I had the tablets in front of me, and the numbers of my dad and boyfriend so the paramedics could contact them. I was going to OD and ring 999. I didn't want to die, just to get the thoughts to stop.

Mum came upstairs as I was preparing. She rang the CMHT and they were useless, again.

We went for a walk and I made some cakes, and I realised I want to get better. I want to try and overcome this.

I'm going to the cinema with my boyfriend soon. I'm feeling a little better, not as desperate.

[Patch.]

I'm glad that you decided not to OD and to go fr a walk and make some cakes instead. That takes a lot of courage to decide that you want to get better and over come this and not do the easier thing so I applaud you for that.

Hope the cinema was good, what did you see?

[floritee]

Im really really glad you didn't do that.
And I hope you had a lovely well deserved trip to the cinema.
Please let us know how you are doing.
xx

[sherlock holmes]

Thanks everyone. I saw Frankenstein- the play with Benedict Cumberbatch and Jonny Lee Miller :)

I'm feeling really positive today. I've written out an action plan for when I feel low/suicidal again.

Action Plan!
Remember- thoughts, feelings and emotions are NOT FACTS.
Thoughts cannot harm you so do not give them any power.
Remember in the darkness what you learned in the light.
1- As soon as you can go for a walk- it clears your head
2- If you are getting fixated on a thought then move to a different room and do something different
3- Watch shark cat on a Roomba
4- Listen to music through headphones to drown out the thoughts
5- Play rock band and pretend you are in a hugely successful band touring the world!
6- Clean the house- find things to do, tidy up, hoover
7- Have a shower and put on make up
8- Read a book
9- Have a nap
10- Bake a SMALL amount of cakes and decorate them

If you’ve got this far and you’re still feeling bad then go through the list again. Practice deep breathing. ACCEPT the thought and let it drift away.

Remember the good times!

You can cope- you’ve done it before. This time is no different. Keep calm- this will pass.

[Serendipity.]

I'm glad you're feeling more positive, and well done for managing to put together that plan - it looks really helpful :) I hope things keep getting better.

[Snow White.]

That's an amazing action plan, well done! I'm very proud of you :)

[sherlock holmes]

Thanks. Last night was hard. The flat opposite were smoking weed which made our flat stink too. The smell gave me a headache and triggered me quite badly. I got into bed and Dave gave me cuddles until we went to sleep.