I just need some support I guess...

[Reki]

Sorry it's been a long time since I've been here... I just don't know who to turn to anymore. And I could really use some support...

I started going to university in September. I'm in a biology program and I really love most of my classes. Learning makes me happy, it motivates me and I really need this right now, I need a goal.
But in order to keep my scholarship I need a general average of 85% and it stresses me so much. I don't think I can do it, even if I get help for the classes I struggle with the most. And I am so terrified of losing my scholarship.
Before I even applied to uni my mom told me she would pay for my tuition if I got a summer job and I paid for my books and the rest of the material I needed for my classes. Which I did. Then I got the scholarship (which pays 50% of my tuition), as well as another smaller but substantial scholarship, and then when came the time to pay for the rest (40% of what we initially thought we'd have to pay), my mom asked me "so, when are you going to repay me?". Then she argued that it was too expensive and she couldn't afford to pay this much for 4+ years...
So I repaid part of it and she didn't bring it up again. But now I can't imagine what it'll be like if I lose my scholarship. She told me not to worry about it and just do my best but how am I supposed to trust her?? I already feel really guilty for costing so much money when I can't even work more than 5 hours a week and I'm so exhausted all the time that I can't even be useful around the house or help my mom with cleaning and stuff. I feel like burden to her.
I honestly don't know what I'll do if I lose the scholarship. I'm so stressed that I don't even enjoy school anymore. I used to be happy in class, now it's just anxiety and pressure and guilt and shame.
I'm so sick of feeling like I'm never good enough. I feel like a failure.
If I can't continue my studies I don't think my life has a point. And if I continue my studies but lose the scholarship I'm not sure my mom will be able to afford it.
I spent the whole day crying at the thought of going to school tomorrow. I already feel like I'm going to fail miserably at whatever I attempt. I feel like I ruin everyone's life. I really wish I could just disappear.
I've been having more suicidal thoughts lately and I'm really scared. I don't have access to a therapist anymore and I don't know how much longer I can do this alone before I break down and do something stupid... it seems inevitable.

Sorry this post is so long... I have no one to talk to about this. I've brought it up with friends but they don't seem to understand how terrifying this situation is for me.
I'm really sick of never being good enough.

[LegoGirl]

I think you definitely need to sit down with your Mum and explain how much pressure the mixed messages she is giving you about finances are putting you under. Do it at a time when neither of you are stressed.

Is there anyone else on similar scholarships you can talk to about the pressures of work or any tutors you can confide in?

It seems like you need support right now, does your uni offer any kind of counselling service or student support programme?

[Patent Pending]

I can completely understand how stressful this is for you. I am feeling similar stresses; though not exactly the same.

The above poster is right; it sounds like you need to speak to your mum at a time when you're both calm and relaxed and explain how stressful it's all become and ask her to clarify where she stands on the financial issues.

I think you should speak to a counsellor or tutor about everything and put some support and help in place at Uni with your classes. The best way to relieve the stress is to ask for help prior to it becoming a problem. Stressing about not getting the right grdes can cause it to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I hope things get sorted for you and you can get back to enjoying your studies.

x x x

[Fiddlesticks]

My mother pulled the exact same thing on me. She's probably just terrified of losing you, or what would happen if things went wrong. The point is you shouldn't allow your mum to emotionally blackmail you and I agree with the advice above: you should talk to your mum and explain how this makes you feel. Also, in regards to maintaining a high grade to pass- you'll manage more than you realise, and if things are difficult there is plenty of student support services there to help lift you back up onto your feet.

You shouldn't be so hard on yourself and should just try taking a deep breath as the world is not going to cave in. You have all the support you need. All you need to do is ask.

[Reki]

Thank you!

I tried talking about it with my mom yesterday and she just kept telling me not to worry about it and then she got angry at me because I told I couldn't just magically stop stressing about it... She even denied asking me to pay for part of my tuition at the last minute.
She says I need to make friends in class, like I didn't know already. She doesn't get how hard it is for me to talk to people, to her it's "as easy as saying hello" and she keeps saying she used to be exactly like me and I doubt that very much. To my mom everything is a choice, I chose to be anxious, I chose to be afraid, I chose to be sad. I chose to be mentally ill as well I guess. Social interactions have been very draining for me lately and I doubt I could make friends until the end of the semester... Even spending time with my best friends is hard. I have some lab partners but even just interacting with them in class is a huge effort so I'm not going to magically start talking to strangers during lectures...
I'll try to get some help for the class I struggle with the most this week... this is very scary for me but I'll try. Hopefully it'll help.
I have a friend who has the same scholarship but she's in a different program and the class averages in her program are a lot higher than they are in science programs... For her it's easy to maintain good grades, so she doesn't really relate to my situation.

There is a counselor service in school, I checked the web page to find out how to schedule an appointment with them but it says they don't deal with issues of "mood disturbances" or "chronic anxiety and mental illness", and while I guess I could still go to them just to talk about my school-related stress I don't really feel like investing so much energy into this if they won't help me deal with the rest...
Two months ago I took an appointment with a psych for an evaluation but my appointment isn't before the end of November... So until then I'm pretty much on my own. I used to see a therapist but when I moved they assigned me a new therapist and I found her very judgmental about my SI and she didn't seem to be taking me seriously at all so I asked if I could see someone else and they refused... I'd need another doctor referral to see another therapist and even then it would take months.

Thanks again, I really appreciate the support!

[Zurg]

Hi Reki.

Your posts really struck a nerve with me and i feel like i should post a reply to this. First of all, kudos to you for getting into university and getting a scholarship. You should be proud of yourself for that.

Second, i really do understand the pressure you feel to do well. I'd feel the same way and i think most people would, even people without any mental health problems. So you're not weak or anything of that sort. You're trying. That's all you can do. I am sure, however, that there is help for you. Talk to the uni, your tutors, they can help point you in the right direction. I am sure there must be some help available for people who struggle with their classes, you are not the only one.

I know it's scary to admit you're struggling but i'm sure that the university will do their best to help you getting through your education. After all, it's in their best interest to keep you going and completing the course.

You found a counselling service that you're not sure can help you. But contact them anyway. Maybe they can set up some appointments for you until you get sorted out with the psych evaluation. Places like that do not tend to you leave you struggling on your own even if what they can offer is limited.

My best advice is to approach your tutors, they'll know how to help you. You're not weak and you're not stupid, in fact, i think you're really brave for how far you've made it already. And there is help. You don't have to struggle alone.

[Reki]

Hi Zurg,
I'm sorry it took me so long to reply I had an insanely busy week. Thank you for your reply I really appreciate it!
I think yeah I just need people to tell me I should contact the tutors and counselling service... I'm afraid of doing it on my own. I might ask my friend to be with me when I call them maybe that would help... Thank you for your encouragements and support!
I have a few phone calls to do this week (that I've been putting off for too long already...) so this is added to the list. I'll see how many I can do... and try not to avoid it this time.
I'll just try to do my best and whatever happens happens...
This week-end has been really hard for me. I barely did any schoolwork because I can't concentrate. My friend tried to cheer me up I spent the night with her yesterday but now that I'm back home I feel miserable again.
All I want to do is hide in my closet and sleep and forget everything...