Alone and shaken

[kidsfirst]

I'm writing this with the hope that somehow it will be cathartic and get me through the day.

I'm 40ish, male and feel like I'm destroying the world around me, setting myself up for failure and I can't stop myself.

I find myself sitting in a hotel room in a foreign country scared to reach out to my support group because of the amount of anguish I've already caused them. I'm contemplating suicide knowing I couldn't go through with it because of the effect it would have on my kids.

My business (the reason I'm in a foreign country) is floundering. I have to decide how much of the staff I'll have to layoff once I return. While my girlfriend is amazing, the way I treated her recently has been atrocious and she has nicely let me know she can't do us anymore if I don't make changes. Its completely my fault, I've let drink start to control my life and have said horrible things to her. During the day (sober) I'm the man she loves. It seems to have become a weekly occurance that I get blackout drunk and try to break up with her. Which sober me wants nothing less, she's awesome.

So I have to stop drinking... And that's where I'm at today. Which should be easy. My problem is a little under two years ago my wife of 15 years came home pregnant with another mans kid. I subsequently found out she was cheating for a long period of time and had plans to leave me anyway, but first tried to get me to buy a new house so that when she did leave she could take it from me and move in her boyfriend. And many other atrocious details. I was clueless to it before it happened. I was concentrating on building a happy family and home.

Then my oldest son, whom had a history of mental issues committed suicide at 15. Basically attributing it to the conflict his parents were in and not being able to handle it. This was within two weeks of finding out about my then wife. I haven't been the same since.

I met my now girlfriend shortly after all of this happened and I actually thought i coul make it though this. Here i am almost two years on and my life is in shambles. I actively am destroying any of the opportunities to succeed in any aspect of my life. I stood on my balcony contemplating the fall this morning. I can't/won't do it because of myother 3 young kids. I can't do that to them.

So now here I am. Alone and distressed and notknowing how to fix myself. I can quit drinking but that doesn't help me deal with the pain I was masking or the self destructive behavior.

So I found this forum. I don't know what to do next.

KF

[LegoGirl]

It sounds like you have been through some terribly painful things. And no, you are quite right, nothing is going to take that pain away.

But it also sounds like you know you have some things to fight for.
Your current girlfriend and and your kids.
And you know the first step of that fight, stoping drinking.

Those are two massive steps in the fight already. Just because you can't see beyond them now doesn't mean there isn't a better life beyond that, that's the nature of the beast, it doesn't let you see much happiness in the future.

Alcohol is a depressant anyway so stopping drinking is going to make a massive difference to your mental and emotional health on its own.

You mentioned your support group? What fears do you have about reaching out to them, it sounds like you need all the support you can get right now.

Keep talking here.

[kidsfirst]

Hi. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

You're right about somewhat knowing what I have to do, but no, I can't seem to find away around the pain of loosing my son. It scares the heck out of me. And it makes any other stress seem so much more amplified. I used to be able to take on the world, now its hard to get up in the morning, take a deep breath and fight through another day. My previous standard was so high and I can't reach that level, let alone maintain it.

My support group is my family, parents, sister, my girlfriend, my partner and a few good friends. They are all understanding but I fear my antics in the last year have left them all shaking their collective heads. Stopping drinking will help but... Damage has been done.

I saw a psychologist (?) for a while but it seemed like after a couple months I had nothing to talk about when I was there.

KF

[LegoGirl]

Maybe professional support or grief counselling would help. Sometimes space outside those immediately close to you is really helpful?
It could be that particular psychologist just wasn't the one for you.
You have a lot to live for in spite of what must be terrible pain at the loss of your son.