YodaBearInterrupted
22-09-2013, 05:36 AM
I am very much on edge right now and thinking bad thoughts. Like really bad dealing with SH and other things. I am tired of all the sh*t that goes on in my life. All the drama, all the forced things I have to do because of family and work, all the crap I have to take at work and at home. All I have is screaming in my mind right now thanks to the Voices telling me that I deserve all of this because I am not a good person and deserve to die for it. Well... I am pretty much at the point where I am agreeing with the Voices. I just want to escape all of this, get away from all of it.
There is no place for me to run, they will always find me. If I say that I am taking a walk, I cannot escape the Voices. If I go to work, its the drama there in the office and the crap the admin puts me through. At home, its worse... yes I still live at home to save money and stuff, but its making my life really bad with a cold father who doesn't reciprocate the love and things I do for him and an overbearing mother who berates me if I refuse to do things for my younger brothers and sister.
I am caught in the middle at work between two groups in the office who use me as a emotional yo-yo and don't seem to care how it affects me personally. Complain to me, blame me, tell me how the other group in the office are this and that... then an admin lies to me about something and blames me to the higher-ups so I get railroaded... I can't leave/quit the job because its the only job I have for right now and I kind of need it to save money. Also, I get taken advantage of often at work, but I say nothing for fear of retribution and that it is the only way I can keep "friends."
At home its worse. My mother uses emotional and verbal abuse to get her way with me. If I don't want to do something, she will berate me until I do. For example, sometimes I have to pick up my sister at the metro because dad is at work still (I am the only one besides my dad who can drive... other siblings never learned). If I say no or just a minute, she accuses me of only thinking of myself and that I am a bitch and stuff. My father is cold towards me no matter what I do. He does things with all my other siblings (I am the oldest, two younger brothers and one younger sister) and refuses to do anything with me. Nothing at all. He doesn't even love me anymore and screams and yells at me when I do the simplest thing wrong. I can't move out right now cause apt prices are ridiculous around here right now (like 1500 a month) and I need to save more money, so I just take the emotional and verbal abuse from both parents.
The Dark Lord and the Voices take all of that stuff and their own fantasy world of darkness and destroy my world. I really have no where to turn right now, and I am tired of all of this and really want to hurt myself. In fact, most of my past journal entries in the past two weeks have dealt with death and suicide and the fight over whether its right to do it or not... whether Matt is crazy or not.
I am ready to die if need be. The Voices tell me I must be ready, and I am. I have the stuffs. I am just holding on to that last sliver of hope on the rope... but I know that wont last long. I don't know what to expect from writing all of this or what else to say but... help, I guess?
There is no place for me to run, they will always find me. If I say that I am taking a walk, I cannot escape the Voices. If I go to work, its the drama there in the office and the crap the admin puts me through. At home, its worse... yes I still live at home to save money and stuff, but its making my life really bad with a cold father who doesn't reciprocate the love and things I do for him and an overbearing mother who berates me if I refuse to do things for my younger brothers and sister.
I am caught in the middle at work between two groups in the office who use me as a emotional yo-yo and don't seem to care how it affects me personally. Complain to me, blame me, tell me how the other group in the office are this and that... then an admin lies to me about something and blames me to the higher-ups so I get railroaded... I can't leave/quit the job because its the only job I have for right now and I kind of need it to save money. Also, I get taken advantage of often at work, but I say nothing for fear of retribution and that it is the only way I can keep "friends."
At home its worse. My mother uses emotional and verbal abuse to get her way with me. If I don't want to do something, she will berate me until I do. For example, sometimes I have to pick up my sister at the metro because dad is at work still (I am the only one besides my dad who can drive... other siblings never learned). If I say no or just a minute, she accuses me of only thinking of myself and that I am a bitch and stuff. My father is cold towards me no matter what I do. He does things with all my other siblings (I am the oldest, two younger brothers and one younger sister) and refuses to do anything with me. Nothing at all. He doesn't even love me anymore and screams and yells at me when I do the simplest thing wrong. I can't move out right now cause apt prices are ridiculous around here right now (like 1500 a month) and I need to save more money, so I just take the emotional and verbal abuse from both parents.
The Dark Lord and the Voices take all of that stuff and their own fantasy world of darkness and destroy my world. I really have no where to turn right now, and I am tired of all of this and really want to hurt myself. In fact, most of my past journal entries in the past two weeks have dealt with death and suicide and the fight over whether its right to do it or not... whether Matt is crazy or not.
I am ready to die if need be. The Voices tell me I must be ready, and I am. I have the stuffs. I am just holding on to that last sliver of hope on the rope... but I know that wont last long. I don't know what to expect from writing all of this or what else to say but... help, I guess?