snapcracklepop
19-06-2011, 10:55 PM
Hi, everyone, I'm new obviously. I started off posting about my situation on Yahoo! Answers in the midst of one of my hysterical crying episodes and received a whole lot of "Wow, you should just kill yourself" answers, so I decided I'd try here. :/ I don't expect you guys to have the solutions...there really is no solution to my situation. I'm just quite frankly really lonely and going to combust if I don't like get this all out to real human beings.
I guess I'll start from the beginning of when this is all started. When I was a senior in high school, I started having these random episodes where I would get dizzy seemingly out of nowhere and especially in rooms with hard floors and bright lighting for whatever reason. My dad chalked it up to me being a hypochondriac. I did go to a doctor the same year b/c of constant knee pain I was having, told him I got dizzy a lot, and he said "okay" and told me I should just go to a counselor b/c it was probably due to the stress of my mom being in the hospital undergoing chemo at the time.
I took to the internet and began searching my "symptoms" and, being an ignorant teenager, concluded I had cancer and began trying out all these pseudoscience "natural cures" that I found on the internet and thought were legit.
Well, none of that stuff worked obviously, and what started out as minor dizzy spells progressed into so many different health problems that, to be honest, I don't even remember all of the stuff that's gone on with me over the past 6 years. Currently, I have constant, never-ending, 24/7 pressure/pain in my chest, almost 24/7 pain on the right side of my head, trouble concentrating, balance problems, hands that are sometimes shaky, possible hair loss (I had a lot of hair to begin with so it's hard to tell), and these debilitating panic attacks (I call them that anyway) that are destroying my life.
It was all annoyances and pain until one day I went to Subway. While waiting for the girl to make my sandwich, I just all of a sudden began to feel SO PANICKED...my hands were shaking so bad I could barely get my card out of my wallet to pay, and I felt as though I may pass out any time. I legitimately believed I was having a heart attack and, for all I know, maybe I was. I bolted out of there as soon as I got my hand on my food, and drove around for about 30 minutes until I began to calm down a little bit and then went home and laid in bed all day.
Ever since that episode, I have these panic attack-like episodes all of the time, so I pretty much spend 90% of my time in my bed either crying or trying to distract myself with the internet. I do the minimum that I have to do to keep people from thinking I've completely lost it and putting me in a psychiatric hospital or something. Like, I go to college just to shut my dad up; he doesn't know what a hell being in my classes can be for me sometimes, though. I've had numerous instances where in the middle of a lecture or exam I started shaking and feeling panicky and bolted out of the room and/or begged the professor to let me take the test at a later time b/c I was feeling like I may pass out. I can sometimes get myself up to go to like the grocery store, but there have also been times where I went to the grocery store, began feeling like I was going to faint, and ran out of the place. I'm okay-ish in my bedroom and in my car (most of the time), so I pretty much survive off of whatever food I can get from drive-thrus, although I do try to limit it to the healthiest options possible like salads and potatoes from Wendy's.
My family thinks I'm this psycho woman who just all of a sudden stopped talking to them and stopped going places with them because, whenever they invite me somewhere, my answer is almost always "No, I don't feel good." Same with my friends. They pretty much all stopped talking to me because they don't believe me when I say I can't go party with them because I don't feel good.
I've developed a massive fear of going to doctors b/c I figure, if I have a brain tumor or heart condition which many of my symptoms point straight to, it's gotta be pretty bad now and I'm just really scared of hearing, "Um..you're probably going to be dead within the next 3 years." It's illogical, I know, but I can't bring myself to do it. I may be able to if I could just schedule the appointment on my own, but I'm still on my dad's freaking insurance, so he has to make it and will insist on going with me and will tell me how stupid I am for waiting this long the entire time. Then, if it did turn out that I have some life threatening condition, he would rant and rave about how much of an imbecile I am for the entire drive home and then for the rest of my life. That's how he treated my mom when she was dying, and that's how he'd treat me.
I just want my life back. All I want is friends, the ability to go have fun with those friends, to go on roller coasters and attend numerous concerts like I did when I was a kid, to date, and to be able to get a job where I can actually be around people. Instead, I'm stuck inside my house alone almost all of the time working Work at Home jobs.
It's not even the physical issues that I'm concerned with much anymore. I'm just emotionally drained. I hate knowing everyone I care about is mad at me and it's kind of all my fault. I hate being alone. I hate that nobody wants to talk to me because I can't go out and have a good time like them. I hate people thinking I prefer to be a homebody when I'm aching to bust out and go have a good time. I hate seeing my family go off on trips to Six Flags while I sit at home when what I really want is to hop on one of those roller coasters with them without feeling like I'm going to pass out. I hate telling people I don't do thinks like drink alcohol because I "don't want to."...I mean, I don't really care to do the getting drunk every Saturday thing, but the real reason I don't consume any alcohol at all is because I'm scared I have a heart condition that it would set off. I hate that I used to want to be a writer and now have trouble concentrating on my work long enough to write anything decent. I just...have lost everything in life I once found enjoyable. :(
There's a lot more to the story; remember, this has been going on about 6 years, but I'm kind of tired of typing lol. Plus, there's just no real way to get it ALL out there. Anyway, thank you for reading. :)
I guess I'll start from the beginning of when this is all started. When I was a senior in high school, I started having these random episodes where I would get dizzy seemingly out of nowhere and especially in rooms with hard floors and bright lighting for whatever reason. My dad chalked it up to me being a hypochondriac. I did go to a doctor the same year b/c of constant knee pain I was having, told him I got dizzy a lot, and he said "okay" and told me I should just go to a counselor b/c it was probably due to the stress of my mom being in the hospital undergoing chemo at the time.
I took to the internet and began searching my "symptoms" and, being an ignorant teenager, concluded I had cancer and began trying out all these pseudoscience "natural cures" that I found on the internet and thought were legit.
Well, none of that stuff worked obviously, and what started out as minor dizzy spells progressed into so many different health problems that, to be honest, I don't even remember all of the stuff that's gone on with me over the past 6 years. Currently, I have constant, never-ending, 24/7 pressure/pain in my chest, almost 24/7 pain on the right side of my head, trouble concentrating, balance problems, hands that are sometimes shaky, possible hair loss (I had a lot of hair to begin with so it's hard to tell), and these debilitating panic attacks (I call them that anyway) that are destroying my life.
It was all annoyances and pain until one day I went to Subway. While waiting for the girl to make my sandwich, I just all of a sudden began to feel SO PANICKED...my hands were shaking so bad I could barely get my card out of my wallet to pay, and I felt as though I may pass out any time. I legitimately believed I was having a heart attack and, for all I know, maybe I was. I bolted out of there as soon as I got my hand on my food, and drove around for about 30 minutes until I began to calm down a little bit and then went home and laid in bed all day.
Ever since that episode, I have these panic attack-like episodes all of the time, so I pretty much spend 90% of my time in my bed either crying or trying to distract myself with the internet. I do the minimum that I have to do to keep people from thinking I've completely lost it and putting me in a psychiatric hospital or something. Like, I go to college just to shut my dad up; he doesn't know what a hell being in my classes can be for me sometimes, though. I've had numerous instances where in the middle of a lecture or exam I started shaking and feeling panicky and bolted out of the room and/or begged the professor to let me take the test at a later time b/c I was feeling like I may pass out. I can sometimes get myself up to go to like the grocery store, but there have also been times where I went to the grocery store, began feeling like I was going to faint, and ran out of the place. I'm okay-ish in my bedroom and in my car (most of the time), so I pretty much survive off of whatever food I can get from drive-thrus, although I do try to limit it to the healthiest options possible like salads and potatoes from Wendy's.
My family thinks I'm this psycho woman who just all of a sudden stopped talking to them and stopped going places with them because, whenever they invite me somewhere, my answer is almost always "No, I don't feel good." Same with my friends. They pretty much all stopped talking to me because they don't believe me when I say I can't go party with them because I don't feel good.
I've developed a massive fear of going to doctors b/c I figure, if I have a brain tumor or heart condition which many of my symptoms point straight to, it's gotta be pretty bad now and I'm just really scared of hearing, "Um..you're probably going to be dead within the next 3 years." It's illogical, I know, but I can't bring myself to do it. I may be able to if I could just schedule the appointment on my own, but I'm still on my dad's freaking insurance, so he has to make it and will insist on going with me and will tell me how stupid I am for waiting this long the entire time. Then, if it did turn out that I have some life threatening condition, he would rant and rave about how much of an imbecile I am for the entire drive home and then for the rest of my life. That's how he treated my mom when she was dying, and that's how he'd treat me.
I just want my life back. All I want is friends, the ability to go have fun with those friends, to go on roller coasters and attend numerous concerts like I did when I was a kid, to date, and to be able to get a job where I can actually be around people. Instead, I'm stuck inside my house alone almost all of the time working Work at Home jobs.
It's not even the physical issues that I'm concerned with much anymore. I'm just emotionally drained. I hate knowing everyone I care about is mad at me and it's kind of all my fault. I hate being alone. I hate that nobody wants to talk to me because I can't go out and have a good time like them. I hate people thinking I prefer to be a homebody when I'm aching to bust out and go have a good time. I hate seeing my family go off on trips to Six Flags while I sit at home when what I really want is to hop on one of those roller coasters with them without feeling like I'm going to pass out. I hate telling people I don't do thinks like drink alcohol because I "don't want to."...I mean, I don't really care to do the getting drunk every Saturday thing, but the real reason I don't consume any alcohol at all is because I'm scared I have a heart condition that it would set off. I hate that I used to want to be a writer and now have trouble concentrating on my work long enough to write anything decent. I just...have lost everything in life I once found enjoyable. :(
There's a lot more to the story; remember, this has been going on about 6 years, but I'm kind of tired of typing lol. Plus, there's just no real way to get it ALL out there. Anyway, thank you for reading. :)