ohmigoditsL
04-06-2011, 12:12 AM
I know this is extremely long, but please read, I NEED HELP
Ever since the beginning of second semester last year my life started to go downhill. I was planning to major in music so I switched to a more complicated lesson plan and from their I started loosing interest.
Music used to be the thing that defined me. Everything was perfect last year, it was probably the happiest time of my life. But now any time I try to get motivated to practice like I used to I just can't. I get these sick feelings in my stomach, I feel so guilty that I want to throw up. I'm not even taking lessons right now and I STILL feel bad, possibly worse.
I went to a therapist for a little while and now im taking meds and not going to the therapist because going to the therapist started to become almost like a part of me, so I was viewing myself in negative ways because of it.
Now I feel so disconnected from my piano. Anytime I play I just feel terrible inside, I'm surprised that im still trudging on after all this depression.
Since I've been loosing my passion for music I've tried to latch on to other things to help myself feel better and I found that this year when I started learning Spanish I really enjoyed it, and I also have found that I have quite a knack for it. The only problem is that I only took Spanish because my school didn't have German. German has always been my favorite language, even before I had the option to take language classes I was always searching things on German.
But now I'm starting to have multiple identity crisis. I haven't felt like myself in an entire year, and to tell you the truth I don't know how much more I can take of it. My voice never sounds like my voice, everyday is a challenge to try to be the old me. I can''t wear anything without questioning if if defines who I am. I can't even learn a damn language without complaining about how it wasn't my favorite, and how I don't like how it sounds or the culture even though i'm truthfully really enjoying it(spanish). Yet in the last couple of days I've been feeling that way about German, even though it used to seem to be the language I was really passionate about. I can never enjoy anything without doubting my enjoyment of it.
I got a 75 in Chemistry this year. It was the hardest class I had ever taken. It's the only C I've gotten in my entire school career. Now I'm gonna have to go to a community college or something.
Since I'm so mixed up about what I want to do and what I enjoy anymore I can never be proud of myself. I can never feel like I actually amount up to anything.
I really don't understand what's caused this. I've given up fighting and trying to make myself feel like the old me, but shouldn't the new me, if there is one, at least feel natural, like something?
I often feel like my life lately is like a dream, it just flies by and I can never remember what happened during the day. It doesn't even feel like I was ever there.
I don't even truly laugh with my friends anymore. I always get annoyed and complain about EVERYTHING and get feelings like I don't want to be friends with them anymore when I really still do.
And the strangest thing about all this is that before it I was the probably the most relaxed, hippy like person you could meet. I was always the peacemaker in the group, I would never act in such a perfectionist way. I don't get it.
What is wrong with me? I know most people would say I'm depressed, and yes, I've pretty much figured that out, but obviously meds can't fix everything. I've lost the will to think positive. Someone please help me??
Megan
Ever since the beginning of second semester last year my life started to go downhill. I was planning to major in music so I switched to a more complicated lesson plan and from their I started loosing interest.
Music used to be the thing that defined me. Everything was perfect last year, it was probably the happiest time of my life. But now any time I try to get motivated to practice like I used to I just can't. I get these sick feelings in my stomach, I feel so guilty that I want to throw up. I'm not even taking lessons right now and I STILL feel bad, possibly worse.
I went to a therapist for a little while and now im taking meds and not going to the therapist because going to the therapist started to become almost like a part of me, so I was viewing myself in negative ways because of it.
Now I feel so disconnected from my piano. Anytime I play I just feel terrible inside, I'm surprised that im still trudging on after all this depression.
Since I've been loosing my passion for music I've tried to latch on to other things to help myself feel better and I found that this year when I started learning Spanish I really enjoyed it, and I also have found that I have quite a knack for it. The only problem is that I only took Spanish because my school didn't have German. German has always been my favorite language, even before I had the option to take language classes I was always searching things on German.
But now I'm starting to have multiple identity crisis. I haven't felt like myself in an entire year, and to tell you the truth I don't know how much more I can take of it. My voice never sounds like my voice, everyday is a challenge to try to be the old me. I can''t wear anything without questioning if if defines who I am. I can't even learn a damn language without complaining about how it wasn't my favorite, and how I don't like how it sounds or the culture even though i'm truthfully really enjoying it(spanish). Yet in the last couple of days I've been feeling that way about German, even though it used to seem to be the language I was really passionate about. I can never enjoy anything without doubting my enjoyment of it.
I got a 75 in Chemistry this year. It was the hardest class I had ever taken. It's the only C I've gotten in my entire school career. Now I'm gonna have to go to a community college or something.
Since I'm so mixed up about what I want to do and what I enjoy anymore I can never be proud of myself. I can never feel like I actually amount up to anything.
I really don't understand what's caused this. I've given up fighting and trying to make myself feel like the old me, but shouldn't the new me, if there is one, at least feel natural, like something?
I often feel like my life lately is like a dream, it just flies by and I can never remember what happened during the day. It doesn't even feel like I was ever there.
I don't even truly laugh with my friends anymore. I always get annoyed and complain about EVERYTHING and get feelings like I don't want to be friends with them anymore when I really still do.
And the strangest thing about all this is that before it I was the probably the most relaxed, hippy like person you could meet. I was always the peacemaker in the group, I would never act in such a perfectionist way. I don't get it.
What is wrong with me? I know most people would say I'm depressed, and yes, I've pretty much figured that out, but obviously meds can't fix everything. I've lost the will to think positive. Someone please help me??
Megan