Depersonalization?

[-Shae-Lynn*]

I am currently involved in an 8-week inpatient program to work through anxiety and depression. I'm home for the weekend, but during the week we are there full time.

Anyways. In week three we start process group. This is basically group therapy where you can talk about whatever you want. The other groups during the day have a specific theme: self-esteem, communication, anger management, re-scripting your life etc. Process group happens every monday through thursday for 1 hour. The group I'm in tends to run over but that's okay.

The other day, after the group ended, one of the facilitators came up to me and asked if I was okay. I hadn't said anything that day but was trying to listen. She said that it looked like I was disassociating. I've never had a way to describe what I was feeling before and so I'm not sure.

For a long time now I've had an experience of being apart from my body. Not looking down on it or like I was watching a movie of my life, but more like I was floating just above my body. When this happens, by body feels really weird. Not so much numb as empty. Like there is nothing inside of me. When I catch it early I can usually make my body feel one again but that isn't always the case. I've found that if I take deep breaths, wiggle my toes and names what I can see, taste, feel, smell and hear than I can find my way back. If I don't catch it though I'll completely like "zone out" until something brings me back. I don't usually know how much time has passed or what has been going on around me.

I can usually tell when it's starting because my head starts to feel the empty floaty feeling and then it usually spread from there.

I googled depersonalization and disassociation and it kind of sounds right but I don't know. I told my psych and my prime nurse about it but they didn't really have anything to say. My nurse actually said she had never heard of a patient reporting this before.

Any advice? Or suggestions? Even a "I've had this, you're not completely losing it!!" would be greatly appreciated.

[Geranium]

I'm not speaking from personal experience here, but I've heard quite a few accounts of 'disassociating' and your description is very similar to other peoples.

You wrote a key thing here:
When I catch it early I can usually make my body feel one again but that isn't always the case. I've found that if I take deep breaths, wiggle my toes and names what I can see, taste, feel, smell and hear than I can find my way back.
So you have some really good tricks for bringing yourself back to your body/the present moment already. I guess the thing to work on is catching it before it goes too far. Do you know what triggers it?

Hope the therapy programme is helpful
xx

[KarynEclipsed]

I used to experience this too so you're not alone. Some mental health people don't believe in it for some reason but it is a real condition.

[Papercut]

I get this too, you've not completely lost it :) unfortunately Im not quite sure how to come to terms with it yet but just so you know you're not alone

Xx

[riotgrrrlcori]

It's definitely real. It's experienced by a lot of people, child abuse or other trauma survivors are particularly likely to experience it. I've experienced it. My boyfriend experiences it. My understanding is that dissociation is when you separate yourself from your body and/or emotions and depersonalization is when you feel that you are not you, rather watching a movie of someone else, as if in the third person. Depersonalization seems like it's pretty common for people who suffer from panic attacks or anxiety. It's a way for you to cope with things going on around you when things are too much. It sounds like you've got a pretty good way to control it, by grounding yourself in your body.

Another thing I'd suggest, is try and identify things that "trigger" attacks. Is there a common thought that crosses your mind? Is there a particular thing about the environment or something that reminded you of something else? If you know your triggers, you can prepare yourself better and be better able to catch yourself and ground yourself before you zone out completely. :)

Feel free to PM. :) I hope things work out for you.

[flutterby butterfly]

I dissociate & get quite severe depersonalisation/derealisation. It's definitely real!!

I've had this - you're not losing it!

Feel free to pm me if you like x

[roiben]

Dissociation is a defense mechanism that the mind/psyche uses in reaction to times of stress or anxiety. I experience this and also find the technique you described (sometimes referred to as mindfulness) helps me if I catch it early enough.

It may be worth bringing it up with your care team again and maybe ask them to look into it. It shouldn't be the first they have heard of it, as it is fairly common.

It may be that an anxiety management course could help provide you with some more techniques (breathing exercises, distraction techniques, emergency stop etc) which can be added to the grounding techniques you already use.

Be gentle with yourself.

Roiben x

[when.will.it.end]

I dissociate quite badly so it's not just you. The grounding stuff you already use is really good. Focus on that. x